Stevens Bowl Preview

What started in Vegas will finish on Christmas weekend. It's been four long months but we're finally here...

Shah! Lutz! It's The Steven's Bowl!

That really never gets old.

This week will be a quick rankings, as I assume most of you aren't at work, or are having parties while you're there. Except Gutman, who is stuck in the backwoods of Tennessee instead of enjoying one of the Crazy Nights.

Bitching About Kicking

My study this year clearly showed that kickers are the least predictable of any of the roster positions, outside of Defense. Defense has a wider range of scoring, so that makes sense. Kickers are just worthless. I won't be at Winter Meetings, but I seriously want to eliminate them next year. They add nothing to the enjoyment of fantasy football and waste $1 of our draft budget.

Consolation Prizes

Esco: I think that nice wad of cash that Barnard is sending you is enough. A championship would have been nice, but ask Zacherman how money can make up for the lack of the Stevens Bowl trophy.

AGD: After another respectable finish, I'm starting to come around on the whole multiple owners thing. So what do you get for the gay couple that has everything? Some "Made for Each Other" gay pillowcases! No need to tell the league which one of you is which puzzle piece.

And now for the main event...

Shah! Lutz! It's The Steven's Bowl!

The Stevens Bowl: Ajay vs. Billy

Quick Summary: I've been over Ajay's team too many times already. Odd draft strategy, didn't quite pan out, but his work on the waiver wire put him in the best situation possible heading into the playoffs. He's caught some breaks, had some nice matchups, and he very well could win six straight to end the year. As for Billy, I am constantly amazed that his team produces every week. Not just Brees and Foster, but everyone. When Harvin gets shut out, Reggie puts up 27. When Lloyd has an off week, Fasano finds the endzone. He doesn't just find ways to win, he finds ways to destroy his opponent. Right now, these really are the two best teams in our league.

QBs: Romo has had a great year, and he can put up stats with the best of them. But the best of them is Brees, and Brees on MNF spells 25+. Romo might keep up, but then again he might not. Edge: Billy

RBs Arian and Reggie might make the most unlikely dominant backfield out there, but they are as reliably great as Brees is. No matter who Ajay plays of Gore/Helu/Spiller, they'll be extremely lucky to match Billy's duo. This is very similar to the QB situation. Edge: Billy

WRs: Though one of them somehow produces week after week, this is Billy's clear weakness. Unfortunately for Mr. Lutz, it also happens to be Ajay's strength. Big Edge: Ajay

TEs: Jermaine Gresham vs. Anthony Fasano is the equivalent of Bennett playing himself. No one would watch and no one wins. Edge: Even

Defenses: Ajay's Broncos have a nice matchup against the turnover prone Bills, but could surrender some garbage time points. I can't possibly think Billy is leaving the Bears D in against the Pack, but as it stands they are his only defense. Edge: Ajay

Owner Awareness: As I've said again and again, this is where Ajay separates himself from his opponents. If Billy replaces that Bears D then he might have a chance, but there's slim pickings out there. Big Edge: Ajay

Final Verdict: This is as close a matchup as we've had in these playoffs. The question is, can Billy's stars put up enough points to compete with Ajay's depth. With the matchup coming down to Brees vs. Roddy on MNF, I say there's gonna be a party in NOLA, even if Billy's the only one attending. Stevens Bowl Champion: Billy

Final consolation prizes and the Stevens Bowl virtual trophy will be handed out next week. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or just a solid weekend.

Semi-Final Preview

When any beloved entity loses one of its signature members unexpectedly at the end of a season, it's a tough moment. When that member is vital to the organization's identity and provides its members and followers with both joy and pain, sometimes simultaneously, it's that much harder. Needless to say, this past weekend we all experienced one of those moments. Of course I am talking about the events that went down during the season finale of Boardwalk Empire. I won't say any more for those who haven't seen it yet or inexplicably don't watch the show.

As for our league, well let's just say that every miracle run must come to an end. Now I'm speaking about both our former commissioner, former league-member I guess, and our mostly-automated defending champion.

Bitching About Kicking

QB - Rodgers 18, Vick 11 - Experts 320, Random 178
Difference per game of 10.14
RB - Rice 18, Helu 12 - Experts 228, Random 130
Difference per game of 7
WR - Calvin 3, Walter 13 - Experts 171, Random 123
Difference per game of 3.43
TE - Gronk 28, Graham 5 - Experts 152, Random 73
Difference per game of 7.18
Kicker - Akers 14, Barth 2 - Experts 115, Random 91
Difference per game of 1.71
Defense - Ravens 10, Lions 27 - Experts 138, Random 145
Difference per game of -0.5

Consolation Prizes

Donaldson

Unfortunately I have no idea how much losing affects you. I am willing to bet that less than 1% of your emails to the listserve have referenced fantasy football, whether you include the F8's or not. What I do know is that you suffered an even bigger loss this week in the form of a video being taken off Youtube. While I cannot rectify that situation, I can offer this gif, which is sure to make you smile.

Joseph

If you had missed the playoffs while having the most points scored, I can see wanting to take a year off. But you made the playoffs. Barnard missed thanks to losing both starting RBs in the same week, Zacherman easily has a case for making the playoffs, and I would likely be in your place if a rash of injuries didn't rape my team all year. So although Monday night was a truly excruciating way to end your season, I think this retirement talk is a bit of an overreaction. Your consolation prize is this movie that Larry David directed that no one ever saw.

Semi-Final Preview

Matchup 1 - Esco vs. Ajay

Quick Summary: This is the matchup of the best drafted team against the best managed team. Esco dominated draft day, no question about that. The depth of his team allowed him to make risky trades at will, knowing he had a solid group to fall back on if it didn't work out. Ajay on the other hand drafted a group of under-performing receivers, non-performing backs, and two legitimate starting QBs. He flipped Stafford for Gore, then worked the waiver wire so well that he now has some extremely tough roster decisions to make.

QBs: With Big Ben either out or severely banged up, Esco is forced to start Michael Vick. Yes, forced to start the man Matthew Berry wrote 2,000 words about as the #1 overall pick, and Gutman decided to spend nearly a quarter of his budget on during the draft. Vick faces a Jets D that has been surprisingly vulnerable this year, last week notwithstanding. While he could put up good numbers, Romo gets to feast on a Bucs D that is probably the worst in the league. Edge: Ajay

RBs: Ajay has some decent matchups here, and his backs are pretty much the only options on their respective teams, but he can't compete with Esco's stable of Rice, Bush and Hillis. And for those of you asking yourselves "Wait, didn't you trade him Hillis?," my response is that he would have had Benson who gets to run train on the Rams pathetic excuse for a run defense. Edge: Esco

WRs: This is obviously where Ajay's team shines, but the decision between Austin and Robinson could be the difference between winning and losing. Good luck. Esco if I were you I would want Ben to sit. If he plays, they'll likely attempt to run on San Fran, but if he sits I can easily see Chuck Batch throwing bombs to Wallace and Brown all day. Edge: Ajay

TEs: If Gresham scores, he's startable. If not, you're getting three points. Jimmy Graham is probably Esco's best receiver. Big Edge: Esco

Defense: Ajay is starting a shitty defense against a shitty offense. Esco is starting a great defense against a great offense. Basically a coin flip, but I think Patrick Peterson is due again. Slight Edge: Ajay

Owner Awareness: These are the two owners who have been the most aware all season long. Ajay has managed his team better during the season, but to give him the edge would be an insult to Esco's draft and his lack of needing to manage the team. Edge: Even

Final Verdict: Based on regular season scoring, this should be no contest. But Ajay is peaking at the right time, and Esco had a rough week last week. With Roddy and the Cowboys playing before Sunday, Ajay will likely be up 40+ before Esco even takes the field. But the Wallace/kicker combo on MNF should be enough to have Esco prevail by a slim margin. Winner: Esco

Matchup 2: Billy vs. AGD

Quick Summary: AGD was one of my sleepers during the season, their consistent production was never spectacular but it got the job done. You could always count on them to break 80, but they would rarely break 100. Unless of course they were facing Nick in a win-or-go-home situation. As for Mr. Lutz, he has the benefit of being the newcomer to the league. Two years ago Alan won in his first year, last year Donnie and Yahoo won in their first year. So there is certainly precedent. Does lightening strike thrice?

QBs: Going into the season Brees vs. Eli would have been a no-brainer. And this season Brees has been his usual, dominant self, even cutting back on interceptions. But Eli's play has been truly amazing. He has single handedly won the G-Men a few games, and more surprisingly, hasn't lost them any. Part of this is due to the sudden collapse of their running game, but Eli's play has definitely hit a new level. Even so, he's no Brees. Edge: Billy

RBs: I can't believe this is the case, but Foster/Bush looks poised to put up more than MoJo/Turner/Tolbert. The matchups and current play of the backs make this pretty clear cut actually. MoJo is the wild card here. If he puts up 20+ again, then AGD has a chance, but I can't imagine the Falcons not putting 10 in the box tonight. I can easily see Arian putting up 30 on Carolina, even if they put 10 and Cam in the box. Slight Edge: Billy

WRs: The receivers in this matchup are a pretty pathetic group overall, especially for a Semi-Final matchup. Honestly, I don't think it's even worth discussing. Edge: Even

TEs: This is pretty much the same situation as the receivers, but I think Keller has the much higher ceiling. Edge: AGD

Defense: Bears D has a better matchup, but if they continue to be incapable of moving the ball on offense, Seattle will score some points. The thought of Alex Smith against the Steelers is too appetizing to pass up. Edge: AGD

Owner Awareness: Neither of you made too many moves during the season, which is just not fun. I'll give this one to AGD thanks to their blackmailing trade strategy. Whether it was successful or not, it made the league more entertaining. Edge: AGD

Final Verdict: Looking above, Billy has the edge in QB and RB, which makes sense due to his Brees/Foster dream team. Any advantages AGD has won't be able to compete with that. At least you guys knocked Nick into retirement, like that Bills backer did to Favre last year. Winner: Billy

See you next week for the Stevens Bowl Preview!

Quarterfinal Preview

Honestly, I've been in a funk all week since that Sunday night debacle. I owe Kevin Smith one of my wins, but his inability to stay on the field kept me out of the playoffs. That and Jason Hanson's inability to make field goals. Kickers and injuries, who would have thought?

We'll get to the Final 2011 CPP Rankings, complete with consolation prizes, and the Quarterfinal Preview, but first...

Bitching About Kicking

I could go on a long rant about Jason Hanson, complete with MmmBop references, but I'll just stick to the normal stuff.

QB - Rodgers 32, Josh Johnson 16 - Experts 302, Random 167
Difference per game of 10.38
RB - Rice 30, Spiller 15 - Experts 210, Random 118
Difference per game of 7.08
WR - Calvin 6, Tampa Mike 9 - Experts 168, Random 110
Difference per game of 5.27
TE - Gronk 24, Witten 4 - Experts 124, Random 68
Difference per game of 5.09
K - Kasay 7, Akers 14 - Experts 101, Random 89
Difference per game of 1.09
Defense - 49ers 18, Eagles 3
Difference per game of 0.91

Final 2011 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 313.48 - Last Week: 1st
2. Joseph - CPP: 299.51 - Last Week: 2nd
3. Billy - CPP: 284.80 - Last Week: 3rd
4. Zacherman - CPP: 269.37 - Last Week: 4th
5. AGD - CPP: 261.50 - Last Week: 7th
6. Kumpf - CPP: 257.78 - Last Week: 5th
7. Barnard - CPP: 242.81 - Last Week: 6th
8. Kimmel - CPP: 222.35 - Last Week: 8th
9. Weissbard - CPP: 216.06 - Last Week: 10th
10. Ajay - CPP: 214.31 - Last Week: 9th
11. Autodraft - CPP: 196.79 - Last Week: 11th
12. Alan - CPP: 182.34 - Last Week: 12th
13. Gutman - CPP: 176.14 - Last Week: 14th

And the James Barnard Memorial Last Place CPP Award goes to...

14. Bennett - CPP: 173.09 - Last Week: 13th

In the model of Barnard and Long, Bennett you are a true embarrassment to yourself, your family, and this league.

Consolation Prizes

Barnard

Your consolation are these plastic bed sheets. Barnard is coming down to Austin this weekend, and while he will be sleeping on an air mattress, I still prefer he does not soil it. Anyone else that has been eliminated is also welcome. Even you Bennett.

Kumpf

While I've all but given up hope on my "Eliminate Kickers" campaign, I think I can fix my other problem: injuries. I don't need an MRI, I need something better. I need The Rehabilitator. Kimmel's injuries may have been more high-profile, and Zacherman's starters may have missed more time, but mine were the most widespread. My day one starting lineup was Schaub, McCoy, Best, Jennings, Manningham, Moss and Clark. Only McCoy and Jennings missed less than 4 games. This is me justifying why I'm the only person to be in the league all three years who has not made the playoffs.

Zacherman

Your consolation prize is a Killer Cam jersey. I'll admit you were right about him. Unfortunately a combination of bad injury luck, and bad matchup luck kept you out of the playoffs. I almost feel bad for you. But then again you made a lot of money last year by losing in the championship.

Weissbard

You had the most inconsistent season of anyone this year or any year. As I've said before, the gap between your highest and lowest scores was 94 points. In honor of that, your prize is one of the signature games of 1994, Earthworm Jim.


Quarterfinal Preview

With Esco and Billy on byes, we have two matchups to discuss this week.

Matchup 1: Ajay vs. Donnie

Quick Summary: These two teams only scored in the top 7 of a given week 10 times (5 each), which means combined they have the same number of "deserved" wins as Esco, Joseph and Billy (and less than non-playoff teams Kumpf, Zacherman, Barnard and Kimmel). But they are in the playoffs nonetheless. And one of them will move on to lose to Esco in the Semi-Finals, but still get a shot at third place.

QBs: Romo hasn't necessarily been consistent, and he will be chased around by the G-Men pass rush all night, but he is a legit fantasy starter. Josh Freeman is probably a borderline starter when he's healthy, but he is not. If he plays he gets a nice matchup, but if he doesn't you're forced to start Kolb, who wasn't even good enough to stay on Bennett's team. Big Edge: Ajay

RBs: We all know how pitiful Donnie's RB situation is (that's what happens when you autodraft), but Ajay doesn't get enough credit for blocking a few of Donnie's presumed waiver claims. Spiller, Gerheart, Ogbonnaya and Hardesty would all have been upgrades for Donnie, but Ajay has hoarded them. Whether he starts the correct ones or not is irrelevant, as Gore and Helu should blow Tate and Grant out of the water. Big Edge: Ajay

WRs: After the draft I thought Ajay had the best group of receivers in the league by far. As it turned out, that honor belonged to the Yahoo autodraft, who picked up Calvin, Welker, Smith 1.0, and AJ Green. And despite trading Smith and consistently benching Green for Tony Gonzalez, that edge remains over Ajay's solid, yet under-producing receivers. Edge: Donnie

TEs: This has been Donnie's hallmark all year for some reason. Both Finley and Gonzo are better than Gresham, and while only one of them should be starting, even if they both do it somehow gets Donnie wins. Big Edge: Donnie

D/ST: The Broncos D has come on like no other unit over the course of the season. And instead of having to deal with Cutler and Forte this week, they get Hanie and Barber. Meanwhile, the Giants D has combined to -1 over the past 2 weeks. Edge: Ajay

Owner Awareness: This one isn't close. Some of it Donnie couldn't control; his draft technical difficulties, his waiver position, etc. But Ajay has mastered our flawed waiver wire like no one else, and that is why he's in the playoffs and other, better teams are not. Big Edge: Ajay

Final Verdict: Based on everything you read above, it would seem Ajay will run away with it. But he has some tough roster choices to make, and against Donnie teams tend to make the wrong ones. Combine that with the inevitable 20+ point performances by Calvin and Welker, and this one will be close. But I'll never pick a team that Yahoo drafted. Winner: Ajay


Matchup 2: AGD vs. Joseph

Quick Summary: Thanks to AGD not following my advice, they draw the Joseph juggernaut in the first round instead of feasting on Ajay or Donnie. I realize you need to make the playoffs to have a chance, but seeing how Joseph's team is playing, I have as good a chance at winning the Stevens Bowl as you do.

QBs: Hey Rodgers! Discount Double-Check! Big Edge: Joseph

RBs: Over the course of the year, MJD, Turner and Tolbert were a more consistent group than CJ, Green and Law Firm. But right now? Nick's group picked the right time to peak. I still say it's close, but Joseph's crew could put up 50 easily (or completely no-show). Slight Edge: Joseph

WRs: I'm not a fan of either of your WR duos. Jordy has been sick this year, but he's not the most reliable performer week to week. The same can be said of Boldin, and his team just rides Ray Rice. AGD could use a healthy Maclin this week, but even if he does play he likely is a risky start. If I had to choose one I guess it's Nick. Slight Edge: Joseph

TEs: Gronkowski is by far the best receiver in this matchup.By far. Big Edge: Joseph

D/ST: As I write this, it's looking like the Steelers will put up about 10, which is solid. Seattle's D is surprisingly good and gets a sweet matchup, but by MNF it won't matter anyway. Edge: AGD

Final Verdict: All year I've said AGD was a playoff team, and I was right. But this is where the road ends for them. Winner: Joseph

Week 13 Rankings

This week is going to be a different style of rankings. There are a few reasons for this.

1. My beautiful girlfriend spilled wine on my computer and now the l key does not work. I can hit alt+108 to make an l, but it's a pain in the ass, so the rankings will be short until I get my new keyboard. I may even make video posts for the playoff previews next week.

2. There are no consolation prizes to give, as no one new was eliminated.

3. I've made enough playoff scenario update emails over the last two weeks that you have heard enough of me.

So you can scroll down for Bitching About Kicking and the Week 13 Rankings, but first I have something that will hopefully occupy some of our time at work, and keep those of us who are eliminated interested in the league:

D-Name Madness!

We have an underused poll feature on this blog, and I am out to change that. What better way than to rank and match up our favorite D-Names of all time? Granted, this will be a bit era-biased, as we have 3 2008s, 4 2009s, 4 2010s, 2 2011s, and 2 2012s in the league, and I'm not sure who else is on the listserve and reads the rankings. So the names will likely fall within that range, but any particularly good names from outside that range should be included.

The way I ideally want to do this is to have each of you send me your top 5 names, ranked. I'm aware that it takes effort for people to do this, but even our laziest members (namely Nick and Weissbard) have a passion for D-Names. I will compile a master list and then create a bracket. The voting will be done through the poll feature, and will take as long as it takes to go through the bracket. I'm assuming it will be a 16-name bracket, with a possible play-in game. Send your lists to me personally (kevkumpf@gmail.com) by next Thursday for them to be included.

If this doesn't come together than so be it, but I think we all can get behind wasting time at work and hazing.

Bitching About Kicking
QB - Rodgers - 20, Palko - 1, Experts - 270, Random - 151
Difference per game of 9.92
RB - Foster - 12, Foster - 12, Experts - 180, Random - 103
Difference per game of 6.42
WR - Calvin - 10, Sid Rice - 0, Experts - 162, Random - 101
Difference per game of 5.08
TE - Gronk - 11, Fasano - 3, Experts - 100, Random - 64
Difference per game of 3.00
Kickers - Kasay - 7, Vinatieri - 8, Experts - 94, Random - 75
Difference per game of 1.58
Defense - Steelers - 13, Vikings - 4, Experts - 110, Random - 115
Difference per game of -.42

Week 13 Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 302.42 - Last Week: 1st
2. Joseph - CPP: 286.39 - Last Week: 2nd
3. Billy - CPP: 272.75 - Last Week: 5th
4. Zacherman - CPP: 264.19 - Last Week: 6th
5. Kumpf - CPP: 263.44 - Last Week: 3rd
6. Barnard - CPP: 254.25 - Last Week: 4th
7. AGD - CPP: 251.08 - Last Week: 7th
8. Kimmel - CPP: 216.36 - Last Week: 8th
9. Ajay - CPP: 213.17 - Last Week: 10th
10. Weissbard - CPP: 208.83 - Last Week: 9th
11. Autodraft - CPP: 197.61 - Last Week: 11th
12. Alan - CPP: 187.86 - Last Week: 13th
13. Bennett - CPP: 180.33 - Last Week: 12th
14. Gutman - CPP: 179.56 - Last Week: 14th

Next week 4 consolation prizes will be handed out and the Final 2011 Rankings will be revealed. Hopefully we'll still be talking about the game Vince Young had against the Seahawks. And hopefully I have a keyboard.

Week 12 Rankings

Last year after 11 weeks, 12 of the 14 teams were 5-6 or better, still with a chance at the playoffs. This year that number is down to 10, and teams with a realistic shot at the playoffs is down to 8 (sorry Z and Weissbard). So it’s not going to be as dramatic as last year, but we’re also not going to have a team as pathetic as Barnard’s was last year make the playoffs thanks to dumb luck.

We have some big matchups these last two weeks that will determine the fate of our league, but I’ll get into that later.

Bitching About Kicking
After taking a week off, here’s where we stand.
QB – Rodgers 24, McCoy 12 – Experts 250, Random 150
Difference per game of 9.09
RB – AP 8, Michael Bush 16 – Experts 168, Random 91
Difference per game of 7
WR – Calvin 8, Smith 1.0 12 – Experts 152, Random 101
Difference per game of 4.64
TE – Gronk 21, Pettigrew 9 – Experts 89, Random 61
Difference per game of 2.55
Kicker – Akers 12, Janikowski 9 – Experts 87, Random 67
Difference per game of 1.82
Defense – 49ers 16, Falcons 4 – Experts 97, Random 111
Difference per game of -1.27

Through 12 weeks the experts have picked:
4 different #1 QBs
3 different #1 RBs
3 different #1 WRs
4 different #1 TEs
8 different #1 Kickers
5 different #1 Defenses

Week 12 Rankings
This week’s rankings will take a look at where each team stands now, what their last 2 games entail, and whether they will be in our out of the playoffs. We also have our first installment of consolation prizes to give out, so it’s an exciting week for everyone.

1. Esco – CPP: 288.18 – Last Week: 1st
Record: 9-2
Schedule: vs. Gutman, vs. Zacherman
In or Out? Esco has already clinched the playoffs, and is playing for a bye and the regular season prize. If (when) he beats Gutman this week, he will clinch all of that, and has a decision to make: Does he sit players in Week 17 to give Zacherman a chance at the playoffs and potentially knock out AGD? With Z’s team getting healthy I wouldn’t want him around. IN

2. Joseph – CPP: 271.67 – Last Week: 2nd
Record: 5-6
Schedule: vs. Kumpf, vs. Kimmel
In or Out? His terrible luck aside, Joseph has a legit chance to make the playoffs. He needs to win out (obviously), and have either 1) AGD lose both their matchups or 2) Barnard beat Ajay and Ajay beat me. Considering my injury-depleted roster and AGD’s less than easy schedule, that’s not too far-fetched. IN

3. Kumpf – CPP: 260.61 – Last Week: 5th
Record: 7-4
Schedule: vs. Joseph, vs. Ajay
In or Out? I’m less than pleased with my schedule these last two weeks, but at least I control my own destiny. The Matt Leinart Experience starts this week, and if he is serviceable at QB, I should be able to win one of these matchups. One of the biggest shockers for me this year is “Week 10” replacing “Dogma” as my number one reason to love Kevin Smith. IN

4. Barnard – CPP: 253.63 – Last Week: 4th
Record: 7-4
Schedule: vs. Ajay, vs. Alan
In or Out? You hold Ajay’s fate in your hands this week, though you may not be at full strength. If AP and/or Freddy can’t go, your roster gets real thin real fast. I repeatedly told you to make a trade, but you continued to believe Deion Branch is a starter. Luckily for you, even if Ajay gets past you this week, you face Alan in Week 13. While he may have 5 years’ worth of pent up rage ready to unleash on you, I don’t think this is the time or place. IN

5. Billy – CPP: 251.75 – Last Week: 3rd
Record: 8-3
Schedule: vs. Kimmel, vs. Donnie
In or Out? If Aaron Hernandez holds onto that ball and the other TD doesn’t get called back, you’re sitting down at 7-4 with Barnard, AGD and myself. Instead, you have the inside track at a bye, and represent the only possible threat to Esco’s regular season title hunt. With your schedule, you still should hit 10 wins, which is always nice. IN

6. Zacherman – CPP: 243.90 – Last Week: 6th
Record: 5-6
Schedule: vs. AGD, vs. Esco
In or Out? First of all, I just want everyone to notice how the top 6 teams stayed the same in the new CPP, with some order shifting. Consistency, that’s what we’re going for. As for Zacherman, it has to suck that McCluster couldn’t muster one more rushing yard and one more receiving yard. Fractional points should be in effect next year, to reward every yard, not just the arbitrary 10-yard milestones. The only real way you can make the playoffs is if I beat Joseph, Barnard beats Ajay, Ajay beats me, and you win out, or if AGD loses out, Joseph loses at least one, and you win out. Not impossible, but not likely. OUT

7. AGD – CPP: 231.23 – Last Week: 7th
Record: 7-4
Schedule: vs. Zacherman, vs. Weissbard
In or Out? You may have noticed that I have already listed 5 teams as IN, and we haven’t gotten to Donnie yet. That doesn’t bode well for you. The way I see it, something crazy is going to go down this week, and either my team or your team won’t make the playoffs. You face Zacherman, who gets Andre back this week, and I spend countless hours writing these rankings every week. If it comes down to me or you two, I chose me every time and thrice on Thanksgiving. OUT

8. Kimmel – CPP: 215.18 – Last Week: 8th
Record: 3-8
Schedule: vs. Billy, vs. Joseph
In or Out? ELIMINATED
Consolation Prize: This neck massager. Maybe if Peyton had used this a little more, he would have been worth the $28 you spent on him. At least you get the chance to play spoiler two weeks in a row, first to Billy’s bye chances, and then to Nick’s playoff dreams.

9. Weissbard – CPP: 204.68 – Last Week: 10th
Record: 5-6
Schedule: vs. Donnie, vs. AGD
In or Out? There should be a rule that any team that loses to Gutman can’t make the playoffs, but here you are, still with a chance. Your scenarios are basically the same as Zacherman’s, but you also have about 60 points to make up on me and AGD. With your team anything is possible, but I don’t see that happening. OUT

11. Ajay – CPP: 199.99 – Last Week: 12th
Record: 6-5
Schedule: vs. Barnard, vs. Kumpf
In or Out? If only your Points Scored wasn’t so pathetically low, you would basically control your own destiny. As it stands, you need to be a game ahead of one of the current 7-4 teams to have a chance. So not only do you need to win out, but you need either Barnard or myself to lose our other matchup or AGD to lose out. I think you’ll have a tough enough time getting past us. OUT

10. Autodraft – CPP: 198.27 – Last Week: 9th
Record: 8-3
Schedule: vs. Weissbard, vs. Billy
In or Out? There is a distinct chance you will be playing Billy in Week 13 for the right to have a bye. I know the rest of the playoff hopefuls are either dying to face you because your team has scored 83 or less in 7 of 11 weeks, or scared to death to face you because you’ve won while scoring 90 or less 5 times and your luck is absurd. Even if you start Curtis Brinkley next week you’ll be in the playoffs and the regular season title is still a possibility. IN

12. Bennett – CPP: 181.06 – Last Week: 11th
Record: 1-10
Schedule: vs. Alan, vs. Gutman
In or Out? ELIMINATED
Consolation Prize: I’ve thought long and hard about this. To commemorate you dropping your 10th straight week, partly due to not setting your lineup and being forced to start 3 members of Tyler Palko’s high-octane Chiefs offense, your prize is a framed picture of this. If you don’t start sending some emails the Kick Out Bennett movement will start to gain steam.

13. Alan – CPP: 174.16 – Last Week: 13th
Record: 3-8
Schedule: vs. Bennett, vs. Barnard
In or Out? ELIMINATED
Consolation Prizes: That’s right Alan, you get two prizes. First, is hopefully a new job. And not one in Minnesota, where Barnard was pushing you just so he would have an excuse to visit once and see if it’s lamer than New Hampshire. The second is the chance to knock Barnard out of the playoffs if he loses to Ajay this week. Yes, the man who once told you he had no respect for you to your face. It’s a golden opportunity, so you better take advantage. I still say you learn something from John F-O-X and start Tebow.

14. Gutman – CPP: 171.78 – Last Week: 14th
Record: 3-8
Schedule: vs. Esco, vs. Bennett
In or Out? ELIMINATED
Consolation Prize: In honor of the summer I assume you spent at the Second Mile’s Little Lions camp, one of these dolls.
Congrats on your third win.

Happy Thanksgiving Henry.

Week 11 Rankings

Sorry for the delay folks, but hopefully it will be worth it.

There are two reasons the rankings are late this week. One of them should be exciting for everyone. The other is only exciting to me.

The main reason is that I spent most of my free time this week revamping the CPP to make them more accurate reflections of the skill level being displayed in the league. I'll discuss this in more depth in the rankings section, but that is my legit excuse.

The bullshit excuse is that I started my new job, and have less free time than I'm used to. It's exciting for me because I can wear shorts and flip-flops to work, the fridges are always stocked with beer, the desk next to me is a functioning bar, today someone said "I'm running to Toys R Us, anyone want anything?," and they have Nerf wars. The biggest (only?) downside is the desk structure, which makes it difficult to spend the requisite time on these rankings. I'm assuming I'll be able to get them done outside of work, but my motivation level drops considerably when I leave work, and that's saying something. So we'll see how this goes.

Bitching About Kicking

We'll be taking a break from everyone's favorite section this week, as I spent enough time fucking around in Excel on the new CPP that I couldn't stand to open up my Kickers file. Next week will cover Weeks 10 and 11.

Week 11 Rankings

The CPP was flawed. Everyone knew it, including myself and Gutman. It relied too heavily on subjective factors, my own bias, and mainly Yahoo! projections. Well those are all gone now. The new CPP focuses only on things the owner can control, and provides a more sabermetric look at the Rankings.

The biggest change is that Gutman is out. Much like Zuckerberg kicked that Spanish dude out of Facebook once the company got too big, I'm giving Gutguy the boot. Hopefully an Asian chick will light a fire on your hotel room bed or something. In the movie, Zuckerberg chose Timberlake over his best friend, which cost him a friendship, but led him to billions. Well Billy is my Timberlake. His mid-season rankings took a different look at the league, and I have incorporated some of those things into the new ranking measure.

Here are the main facets of the new CPP:

Adjusted Points Per Game: This takes your total points scored, eliminates your highest and lowest scoring week, and then divides by games played minus 2. This rewards consistency, and takes outlier perfomances, both positive and negative, out of the picture.

Difference Between Actual and Optimal Lineup Per Game: Self-explanatory. Rewards teams who play their optimal lineup or come close.

Total Games Missed by Injured Starters: An owner has no control over his team's injuries. Granted, some players are more injury-prone than others, but for the most part injuries are random. This stat is not perfect, and does not include injured players who got dropped. So Kimmel drafting Peyton only affected his CPP for the weeks he had Manning on his roster. It also only includes clear starters, so Donnie not having Joseph Addai for a few weeks does not matter, as Addai is not a clear starting RB.

Transactions: Rewards owners who take an active approach to their team. Trades are worth three times as much as player adds, because they make the league more fun, even if they may hurt an owner's team.

Weekly Rank: First place for a week gets 14 points, last place gets 1 point. Rank is summed up over the season so far.

Actual Wins: Matchups are determined at random, so weeks when you finish in the top 7, you get an actual win. This is heavily weighted, as we are a head-to-head league, so weekly performance matters.

For this weeks ranking, I'll give reasons why teams fall where they do. If you don't like it, come up with your own ranking system.

1. Esco - CPP: 267.76 - Last Week: 2nd
Why?: Why not? Great roster management, high-scoring team, 7 actual wins. The only thing working "against" you is that you've only had 1 starter miss a game.

2. Joseph - CPP: 257.29 - Last Week: 9th
Why?: Your insanely bad luck in weekly play does not matter to the new CPP. You have the highest Adjust Points Per Game, good roster management, and oh yeah Aaron Rodgers. You have only had 1 starter miss a game as well, but knowing you the injury bug will bite soon.

3. Billy - CPP: 255.90 - Last Week: 1st
Why?: You are tied for the league lead with 8 actual wins. You've also had 4 starters miss a game, which means you've had worse lineup luck than any of the other top 4 teams. This is a dangerous team.

4. Barnard - CPP: 254.31 - Last Week: 4th
Why? Also tied with 8 wins, you have the worst roster management of the top 4 teams. You are also one of only 4 teams who hasn't made a trade, despite your obvious strength at RB and weakness at WR and QB. That might come back to bite you.

5. Kumpf - CPP: 239.11 - Last Week: 8th
Why? Because I made this ranking system. My roster management has been shitty, but a whopping 8 starter injuries (not even including losing Schaub) puts me as the third most injured team in the league. Hopefully the trade with Esco rights my ship, because otherwise I'm missing the playoffs.

6. Zacherman - CPP: 232.96 - Last Week: 6th
Why? You lead the league with an astounding 15 starter injuries, but some of that is self-inflicted. You traded for Andre knowing full well that he would be out at least a month. That was a smart move at the time, provided your team could afford to drop a few and still make the playoffs. At this point I'm not so sure.

7. AGD - CPP: 226.54 - Last Week: 5th
Why? This is just a solid team. Nothing really stands out. Good roster management, more injuries than average, a couple trades. This team's fate will be decided by a few lucky bounces for or against them.

8. Kimmel - CPP: 201.20 - Last Week: 11th
Why? Injuries mainly. The new CPP officially gives you 10 injured starters, but theoretically that number should increase by two every week due to Britt and Peyton. The only reason I don't include them is because they aren't on your roster, so they're not hurting your ability to be competitive by clogging a roster spot.

9. Autodraft - CPP: 196.39 - Last Week: 3rd
Why? 8th in Adjusted PPG, second worst roster management, no injured starters, only 6 pickups, and 5 actual wins. The new CPP has no respect for this team. And neither do I.

10. Weissbard - CPP: 191.67 - Last Week: 7th
Why? The new CPP rewards consistency, and this team has been the antithesis of that. The difference between your highest and lowest scoring weeks is 94. That is absurd.

11. Bennett - CPP: 181.40 - Last Week: 14th
Why? I don't know. For some reason the new CPP has an ounce of respect for you, which I do not. I get the pleasure of trying to hand you a 10th straight loss this week, and even with my injury-riddled team I look forward to seeing double digits in the streak column for you.

12. Ajay - CPP: 178.89 - Last Week: 12th
Why? Because you don't score many points. Injuries have hurt, but you have been the luckiest team other than Donnie so far. You really have no business being .500, but there you sit, on the verge of playoff contention.

13. Alan - CPP: 174.4 - Last Week: 10th
Why? Because you can't manage your roster. I discussed it earlier in the year, but a team as shitty as yours should only be leaving about 5 points on the bench a week. Instead you sit at 16.6, leading the league for the second time in three years. The first time you won it all, but history will not repeat itself this year.

14. Gutman - CPP: 148.13 - Last Week: 13th
Why? Because your team is terrible. I know that kicking you out of the CPP Committee now is harsh, especially given the events of the last few weeks. But I have some news that will cheer you up. Hollywood just announced that they are combining two old Schwarzenegger movies for a remake: Kindergarten Predator, starring Jerry Sandusky.

Week 10 Rankings

And we’re back!

Apologies for the lack of rankings last week, moving halfway across the country was a bit more involved than I had initially thought. Since the last rankings, we’ve seen our lone undefeated team fall (twice), three teams change their names, and the league break into haves and have-nots. With four more regular season weeks, only 4 of our 14 teams sit within a game of .500. That leaves us with 5 teams on the fast track to the playoffs, and 5 teams who are dreaming about next year.

One of those teams is manned by my CPP counterpart and FALAFEL Draft Planner, Mr. Adam Gutman. While Gutguy has had a rough week with the Eagles losing, his team scoring a measly 58 points, and Penn State turning from Linebacker U to a national black eye, I think we need to start planning next year’s draft. I know a few locations have been thrown around, like Chicago, Miami or Austin, but I think the front-runner should be New Orleans. On my road trip I was there for Halloween, and it was unreal. Granted, like 10 people were shot on Bourbon Street shortly after I left, I still think it would be an amazing spot. Billy clearly knows more than I do, and has been outspoken for NOLA all year, but I think these talks should start soon.

Bitching About Kicking
Words can’t express how happy I am that Nick lost to Alan by 1 point thanks to Robbie Gould throwing up 14 on MNF. You can’t script something better than that. Ironically enough, I broke my own rule and was carrying two kickers last week (to my own detriment). Let’s check the updated stats on which positions are “predictable” and which ones are not.

QB – Rodgers 30, Rodgers 30 – Experts 198, Random 122
Difference per game of 8.44
RB – Arian 20, Law Firm 6 – Experts 130, Random 71
Difference per game of 6.56
WR – Jennings 10, Lloyd 8 – Experts138 , Random 63
Difference per game of 8.33
TE – Graham 7, Jared Cook 2 – Experts 65, Random 46
Difference per game of 2.11
K – Dan Bailey 12, Matt Bryant 7 – Experts 66, Random 54
Difference per game of 1.33
DEF – Ravens 6, Falcons 13 – Experts 80, Random 96
Difference per game of -1.78

Week 10 Rankings
This week will be yet another gimmick, but one that could help determine who wins the league. With the trade deadline coming up on November 19th, this is the Second Annual Mock Trade Rankings!

1. Billy – CPP: 141.17 - Two Weeks Ago: 2nd
No one in the league is enjoying as much of a hot streak as Billy. A healthy Arian, rejuvenated Reggie, and the always excellent Brees have this team thinking playoffs. We have an interesting matchup this week, and if it comes down to my Packers vs. your Viking on MNF, I think I put an end to your streak.
Needs: #1 WR, RB depth (I’m not buying Bush or LT)
Has: WR depth

2. Esco – CPP: 139.92 - Two Weeks Ago: 1st
As much as Billy has succeeded without the rankings, Esco has failed. Without me building him up for the last two weeks, his self-esteem (and his team’s performance) has suffered. Oddly enough, last week in your rankings spot I was going to put a link to the audio of “Down goes Frazier!” But at this point I think that would be like me linking a video of Barnard blowing little boys in the Penn State shower. This week you get an Alan team coming off an impressive, yet lucky, win over Nick. If we’ve learned anything in this league, it’s that you can never look past a Masand team.
Needs: WR depth
Has: QB and RB depth

3. Autodraft – CPP: 131.96 - Two Weeks Ago: 5th
Of course you upset Esco due to Ben Things I Tate About You. Two weeks ago, I thought your luck was turning, but you’ve proven again and again that you will not be denied. You have an interesting dilemma this week. If Bradshaw plays, the G-Men have a much better chance of beating the Niners, but if he doesn’t play, you have a much better chance of beating Z. Somehow I think you’ll end up beating Z without Bradshaw as Eli defies logic and plays well again.
Needs: RB, QB upgrade
Has: WR, TE

4. Barnard – CPP: 130.07 - Two Weeks Ago: 6th
Well you beat me once again. I really don’t see a championship team with you, but it’s definitely a playoff team. You may be in the best position to make a trade of anyone, with your depth at RB. The question is, is it worth it to break up the AP/FJax/SJax trio in order to upgrade your QB or WRs.
Needs: WR, QB upgrade
Has: RB

5. AGD – CPP: 128.92 - Two Weeks Ago: 9th
One week after our trade, it looked like a waste of time. Hillis and Tolbert didn’t play, and Cadillac was immediately cut from my squad. Two weeks after our trade, it looks like you got the best of me. Hillis is out indefinitely, Mathews is a bitch, and Tolbert looks healthy and hungry. I think this team makes the playoffs.
Needs: WR upgrade, TE
Has: RB

6. Zacherman – CPP: 125.77 - Two Weeks Ago: 3rd
After 4 straight wins, Z got robbed by Torrey Smith’s big game. No one is shedding any tears, and the upcoming schedule looks like Z will have a hard time getting into the playoffs. Your future success or failure will likely come down to the health of Bradshaw and Andre, neither of which I’d be willing to stake my season on.
Needs: His team to get healthy, RB depth
Has: WR depth

7. Weissbard – CPP: 120.62 - Two Weeks Ago: 10th
We’ll see how much the name change helps you. After a thrilling upset of Zacherman, you sit as the only 4-5 team in the league. The upcoming schedule is fairly easy for you, so 7-6 is absolutely within reach. The question is, will that be enough for the playoffs?
Needs: RB upgrade
Has: Two top WRs

8. Kumpf – CPP: 115.12 - Two Weeks Ago: 4th
I currently sit fourth in the standings at 6-3. My three losses are to the teams ranked 1-3. If I lose to Billy, I’ll likely fall to fifth, having lost only to the top 4 teams. I have no idea what my team’s true rank is, but I do know that a Best/Hillis combo sounds a lot better than Keiland Williams/Chris Ivory.
Needs: My team to get healthy, WR depth
Has: RB depth (if they ‘re healthy)

9. Joseph – CPP: 109.67 - Two Weeks Ago: 7th
I know you’re well aware of this, but let me point it out to the rest of the league: Nick has the third most points of anyone in the league, yet sits at 3-6, and will need a miracle to make the playoffs. There are a few possible reasons for this. Maybe it’s your hilarious yet wildly offensive new team name. Maybe it’s because you put us in commissioner purgatory by stepping down. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. Either way, you’re probably the only Rodgers-led team in the world who won’t make the playoffs.
Needs: A top WR
Has: RB depth

10. Alan – CPP: 102.62 - Two Weeks Ago: 12th
Alan pulls off an improbable win thanks to his kicker and multiple Saints RBs. Say what you will about the trades he’s made thus far (and I have), but the Muffin Man will not stop trying. One player I want you to trade is Tebow. You would never start him over Rivers (provided last week means he has righted the ship), but he would be an interesting option for a team like Barnard’s or Donnie’s. I just love having Tebow in the NFL and it’s about time he got some PT in the FALAFEL.
Needs: RB
Has: WR depth, Tebow

11. Kimmel – CPP: 101.19 - Two Weeks Ago: 11th
Big win over Bennett last week. With a loss, you may have fallen all the way to last place in these rankings, a spot that has been permanently reserved for Gutman and Bennett from here on out. Your schedule going forward is pretty rough, so I’d be shocked if you made the playoffs, but you’ve put up a hell of a fight after losing Peyton and Britt. Unfortunately, your roster doesn’t really have much trade value so this column won’t help you too much.
Needs: WR upgrade, RB upgrade
Has: Weak depth at RB and WR

12. Ajay – CPP: 96.59 - Two Weeks Ago: 8th
When I look at your team, I see a great roster that has under-produced. While you are over .500, you barely have more points than Gutman, and have won weeks with scores of 77, 68 and 61. So you are an under-producing team who has also gotten extremely lucky. One or both of these things will even out over time, so I can see you finishing 9-4 or 5-8.
Needs: TE, your team to start playing like they can
Has: WR

13. Gutman – CPP: 67.88 - Two Weeks Ago: 14th
As if things couldn’t get any worse for you these past two weeks, the one week you actually win a game, there’s no rankings. The player who has the most TDs on your team is Scott Chandler, and he’s only been thrown to 21 times all year. Your only really valuable players are DMC, who’s hurt, and Murray, whose value is questionable when Felix gets back. At this point you’re just living to play spoiler.
Needs: QB, WR
Has: RB

14. Bennett – CPP: 47.74 - Two Weeks Ago: 13th
8 straight losses. Wow. You just passed Barnard’s 2009 7-game losing streak for the second-worst stretch in our league’s history. The only one worse than you was Long’s epic 10-game losing streak last year, and we saw how that worked out. The next two weeks you get Barnard and then myself, so you could easily match that number. I’m not saying we should kick you out of the league, I just think there should be some sort of punishment for this futility.
Needs: QB, WR, TE
Has: RB depth

Mock Trades:
Trade #1:
Esco trades Cedric Benson and Darrius Heyward-Bey to Billy for Brandon Lloyd and LT
Trade #2:
Donnie trades AJ Green and Santonio Holmes to Barnard for Stephen Jackson and Lance Moore
Trade #3
AGD trades Maurice Jones-Drew to Weissbard for Vincent Jackson and Jonathan Stewart
Trade #4
Kumpf trades Jahvid Best and Mario Manningham to Zacherman for Andre Johnson
Trade #5
Ajay trades Roddy White, Roy Helu and Jermaine Gresham to Joseph for BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Rob Gronkowski, and Devery Henderson
Trade #6
Alan trades Dez Bryant and Pierre Thomas to Kimmel for Willis McGahee and Mike Williams
Trade #7
Gutman trades Darren McFadden to Bennett for DeSean Jackson and Jackie Battle

Let’s get some trade offers going! We’ve already had 11 trades this year (5 by Alan), so let’s keep it up.
Next week I start work, so I have no idea how the rankings will be affected, but I assure you they will exist.

Week 8 Rankings

This is a bittersweet moment for me. I’ll be turning in this computer at the end of the day, as I complete my 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 2 days at Johnson & Johnson. I have a lot of great memories on this computer. I watched seasons 1-6 of Lost, 1-4 of Mad Men, 1-5 of Friday Night Lights and 1-5 of The Office on this computer. I did a little bit of work on this computer. But most importantly, I have written each week’s rankings on this computer, dating back to that fateful day before Week 1 of 2009 when Gutman and I were so bored at work that we came up with a somewhat arbitrary ranking system.

Since that day the CPP has been refined to a less useless tool for ranking the teams in our hallowed league, and my weekly columns have gone viral (994 blog views and counting!). All of that happened because of this computer and this job, both of which I am leaving today. I’m not sure what the future brings for myself and these rankings, but it’s been a fun two years.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Bitching About Kicking

QB – Rodgers 25, Stafford 11 – Experts 156, Random 79
Difference per game of 11
RB – DMC 0, Addai 1 – Experts 83, Random 56
Difference per game of 3.857
WR – Calvin 17, Santana 1 – Experts 110, Random 50
Difference per game of 8.571
TE – Graham 17, Daniels 7 – Experts 55, Random 36
Difference per game of 2.714
Kicker – Rayner 0, Vinatieri 1 – Experts 43, Random 43
Difference per game of 0
Defense – Ravens 10, Panthers 10 – Experts 66, Random 71
Difference per game of -.714

Lineups this week:
Experts: Brees, AP, Calvin, Graham, Hanson, Ravens
Random: Ponder, Mendenhall, Marshall, Heath Miller, Prater, Chiefs

Week 8 Rankings

1. Esco – CPP: 168.53 - Last Week: 1st
As if you needed any more help, just as Benson goes down to suspension, Michael Bush becomes a startable RB. What has impressed me the most about your season so far is your roster management. In our league, the best teams tend to leave a lot of points on the bench because they have the best rosters top to bottom (there are exceptions, more on this later). But despite putting up a league-leading 109 points per game, you’re only leaving 5 points per week on the bench, good for 3rd in the league. In years past this has not been sustainable, so I’m not sure if it means that you’re “due” for a letdown or not, but you do get a surprisingly tough matchup against the Nard Dog this week.

2. Billy – CPP: 132.05 - Last Week: 7th
Great job with your “sabermetric” rankings. The logic makes more sense than elements of the CPP do, I’ll be the first to admit it. Once I get to TX, I’ll probably have a bunch of free time on my hands, and one of my first priorities (other than getting a couch), will be to revamp the CPP. So I’ll likely be using some of your methods. In other words, welcome to the CPP team! As for your team, two weeks ago I said, “When I said that Arian and Brees could carry you to the playoffs, I thought you understood that it was implied that they would need help.” Well last week they didn’t really need the help. Bennett’s team outscored them by a mere 17 points, and the rest of your team finally showed up to make up the difference and then some. And on top of that, you get a Rodgers-less Joseph this week, which should push you further over .500.

3. Zacherman – CPP: 118.50 - Last Week: 5th
As much as I hate when Donnie does well because he autodrafted, I’d prefer that to Zacherman doing well with a team he picked, because I always have to hear about it. After withstanding the Masand/Sproles attack last week, Z emerges over .500 for the first time all season. He gets an interesting matchup with Kimmel, who has some nice matchups. I think the Giants slaughter of the embarrassing Dolphins gives you the win.

4. Kumpf – CPP: 118.43 - Last Week: 6th
A blackmailing trade that I thought would end up being a backup QB swap ends up making my team very interesting. If Hillis can get his shit together, then my roster becomes much more formidable. If not, then between him, Jahvid, Santana, and the currently banged up Jennings, injury luck may push me out of the playoffs.

5. Autodraft – CPP: 116.20 - Last Week: 3rd
Your luck never ceases to amaze me. This week you won thanks to a pick 6 courtesy of the Colts in garbage time (which incidentally started in the second quarter of that game). I give you credit though, picking up and starting the Saints D was a smart move, so it wasn’t all luck. You do get the luck of playing Gutman in a week when byes strip you of Freeman and Jermichael. I think I speak for the rest of the league when I say that you should play with no QB just to see how lucky you really are, and how bad Gutman’s team really is.

6. Barnard – CPP: 115.29 - Last Week: 9th
Well you withstood Fred Jackson’s bye week, and escaped with a win despite 77 points. I still look at your team and abhor it, but I guess your monster RB trio is enough to win in this league. I was about to say you have as good a chance of beating Esco as anyone this week, but then I saw that you’re starting Alex Smith. Good luck with that one.

7. Joseph – CPP: 100.00 - Last Week: 2nd
I thought you had a chance to take down our perpetual #1 last week. Rodgers held up his end of the deal, Shonne Green and Boldin showed up, and even your kicker put up 15. But Jordy was held in check, CJ2K is apparently still holding out, and you decided to start Doug Baldwin, who’s only productive moment in his life was beating your Giants. Questionable roster decisions aside, you might actually have something with Marion Barber. The Bears are using him like the G-Men use Jacobs, so he has flex value in this league. Maybe not more than 2 chicken wings, but it’s still something.

8. Ajay – CPP: 95.64 - Last Week: 11th
How you possibly moved up three spots after that performance should be Exhibit A in why the CPP needs to be re-formulated, but a win is a win. I really wish the Ravens had settled for a field goal, the snap got botched, and Cundiff ended up losing a fumble, causing you to lose to Gutman. That probably would have been second only to the retroactive stat correction keeping Zacherman out of the playoffs two years ago, in terms of worst losses ever. Conventional wisdom says you should have no issues with Bennett this week, but then again it took you until the two minute warning of MNF to dispatch of Gutman last week. Crazier things have happened.

9. AGD – CPP: 91.43 - Last Week: 4th
Your team was hurt by byes and poor performances last week, but that shizz happens. We all enjoyed your annual email, and the blackmail strategy was a good one, but why turn down offers for Schaub and Fitzpatrick to help your QB situation, and accept the one you did? I think our former commissioner put it best:
Nick: Did you really just rip Belfer off in a trade after he blackmailed you to make a trade in his favor?

10. Weissbard – CPP: 86.03 - Last Week: 8th
God your team is terrible outside of Brady and Nicks. I believe Tashard Choice’s -2 is the lowest score by a starter this season, so congrats on that. And also congrats on getting to play me in what will be by far my weakest week. If you don’t beat me then you might want to consider autodrafting next year, I hear it usually turns out well.

11. Kimmel – CPP: 83.88 - Last Week: 10th
It’s weird, I find myself rooting for Kimmel to win every week. He just always seems to be matched up against a team I want to lose. Last week he was a Saints pick 6 away from taking down Donnie, and I found myself more upset that he lost, than happy that I won. This week is no different, as I would like nothing more than to see Mathews destroy Gates on MNF as Zacherman comes up with some absurd excuse why he got robbed of the win.

12. Alan – CPP: 78.94 – Last Week: 12th
I can’t remember another time where the bottom three teams stayed the same two weeks in a row. So keep up the good work guys. Alan, I still admire your efforts, as futile as they may be. As I mentioned in Esco’s section, leaving a lot of points on your bench is typically the reflection of a top team in our league. Well you are the exception to that rule. After Donnie and myself (combined record 11-3), you are third by leaving over 16 points per week on your bench. If you turned that around, you may have had a chance at the playoffs, but it might be too late for you this year.

13. Bennett – CPP: 66.36 – Last Week: 14th
You actually had a very respectable week with 90 points and an unlucky loss. But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about a revelation I had this past week. You really are Andre from The League. We mock your name, your profession, and even on the rare occasions when you have success, we find a way to turn it around on you. I can absolutely see an episode of The League coming up where Andre comes to everyone with a great deal on knockoff jerseys, only to get torn apart. The only thing we haven’t done is film a porno with Alan in your apartment. Or have we…

14. Gutman – CPP: 56.30 – Last Week: 13th
I love starting my workday with a GChat from Gutman saying “I hate fantasy football” or “Is my team worse than Bennett’s?” It’s up there with SportsCenter and the morning dump as the highlights of my day (Just Married quote right there, get on my level). I really want to think of a way that you can beat Donnie this week, and I think I came up with one: If the Patriots and Lions planes collide in mid-air on their flights. Even then, you’ll probably lose because Pettigrew died. I mean, you’re starting Curtis Painter and 2 TE’s, from the Bills and Lions. Have some pride.

Next week the Rankings will be extremely short or non-existent, as I move into my place in Austin a week from today and I won’t have internet until Friday. So there’s a chance they’ll be out over the weekend, but I will put up some sort of deliverable (travel blog?) next week.

It’s been fun Jersey, on to Texas.

Week 7 Rankings

Last week was a very odd week in the NFL. Scoring was pretty similar to what we’ve seen all year, yet fantasy scoring was down across the board in all my leagues. Maybe bye weeks play some part in that, maybe it was just a weird, wild week. Or maybe it just meant that the people who usually do the fantasy scoring were replaced by a new group of Fantasy Studs who are all ripe for the picking from the Waiver Wire.

Unfortunately I will never know what it feels like to get a Waiver Wire Stud, unless I lose a few games in a row, because of our fucked up waiver system. I think we’re all in agreement on this one, but I’m so used to Bitching about Kicking that I rarely have the chance to point out other facets of our league that need to be fixed. I know Esco 2012 is on my side, but I would think any commissioner candidate should have a firm stance on our waiver system.
Anyway, back to the usual…

Bitching About Kicking

QB – Rodgers 24, Campbell 1 – Experts 131, Random 68
Difference per game of 10.5
RB – AP 9, DMC 15 – Experts 83, Random 55
Difference per game of 4.67
WR – Calvin 11, Santana 3 – Experts 93, Random 49
Difference per game of 7.33
TE – Graham 12, Watson 3 – Experts 38, Random 29
Difference per game of 1.5
Kicker – Rackers 2, Crosby 6 – Experts 43, Random 42
Difference per game of 0.17
Defense – Packers 12, Pats 7 – Experts 56, Random 61
Difference per game of -.83

Lineups this week:
Experts: Rodgers, DMC, Calvin, Graham, Janikowski, Ravens
Random: Stafford, Addai, Santana, Daniels, Vinatieri, Panthers

Week 7 Rankings

1. Esco – CPP: 152.15 – Last Week: 1st
Blah, blah, blah Esco’s in first again. But it wasn’t easy. He needed a mediocre performance by Daniel Thomas on MNF to squeak past me, and if I had decided to start multiple-time Pro Bowler Dallas Clark instead of Ed Fucking Dickson, then we would have a new #1. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Two weeks ago against Weissbard, you got lucky and he didn’t capitalize. Last week against me it was all skill, as you played your optimal lineup, and I tried to get cute and blew it.

2. Joseph – CPP: 121.06 – Last Week: 4th
Your steady climb to #2 included taking down Donnie (impressive) as well as perpetual bottom-dweller Bennett (yawn), but you still remain at .500 in the standings. This is the point of the CPP though. If the playoff started today, you would have the 5 seed, and be facing off against the 4 seed, Barnard. While Yahoo might like Barnard’s trio of RBs better than your admittedly unorthodox lineup, the CPP still has faith in you. Unfortunately you get Esco this week. A Vick-less Esco, but Esco nonetheless. I think you fall back below .500.

3. Autodraft – CPP: 118.34 – Last Week: 6th
After a one week reprieve from your lucky ways, you bounce right back. 74 points was good for 10th best in the league last week, but of course Ajay had to attempt a record for futility, and you got the win. I shouldn’t even be surprised at this point. It’s good to see you finally came to your senses and benched Tony G in favor of AJ Green, something you don’t have the luxury of doing this week. You’ll be facing a revamped Kimmel squad, so I think you’ll need a little more of your karma magic to start another winning streak.

4. AGD – CPP: 114.38 – Last Week: 5th
You barely escaped a secretly good Kimmel team last week, thanks mainly to Rex taking a dump all over his chances. I’ve said all year that I’m not looking forward to facing you, and of course I get to do just that in the week where I’m most hurt by byes/injuries. Yahoo has me edging you barely in a matchup that features Nate Burleson, Keiland Williams, James Jones and Cadillac Williams. If Baltimore can’t contain MoJo on MNF, then you should win easily.

5. Zacherman – CPP: 110.04 – Last Week: 8th
You got about as lucky as Donnie last week, though everyone expected Gutman to score in the 50’s so it’s not that much of a surprise. The bad news for you is that Cam is starting to look like the rookie that he is. Teams are catching on to his style, and his supporting cast just isn’t good enough to put him in a position to score. That shouldn’t matter once again this week against an Alan team that is still searching for its identity.

6. Kumpf – CPP: 105.06 – Last Week: 3rd
My God, my lineup looks terrible this week. I’m still pissed I missed the chance to dethrone our last undefeated team for the second straight year, but maybe I’ll get that chance again in the playoffs. With my RB situation I was banking that if Best got hurt, Mathews would too, making Tolbert a starter. Unfortunately he’s concussed too, which creates a big headache for me.

7. Billy – CPP: 103.83 – Last Week: 13th
Quite the big jump for Mr. Lutz this week, and rightfully so after taking down a streaking Barnard (kind of like his frozen run from Carpenter Library). Devin Hester has been a nice weapon for you, and you don’t even have to start him thanks to teams still kicking away to him for some reason. The rest of your team won’t inspire much fear into your opponents, but at least they don’t inspire laughter like Bennett’s, who you should easily dispatch of this week.

8. Weissbard – CPP: 103.61 – Last Week: 11th
I guess your bump in the rankings is due to winning that barn-burner with the Muffin Man. The CPP may respect that win, but I sure as hell don’t. You had three players combine for 1 point, and one of them was promptly cut after the week. While I hope you beat Barnard this week, I don’t think you have a prayer of making the playoffs with your roster the way it is right now.

9. Barnard – CPP: 99.88 – Last Week: 2nd
This is more like it. How you got to #2 is beyond me, but hopefully it never happens again. I’m sure when you drafted your team, your first thought was, “Man I’m screwed when Fred Jackson has his bye.” You got a bit unlucky last week, but this week you deserve to lose. And you will.

10. Kimmel – CPP: 97.19 – Last Week: 9th
The hits keep coming for you. First Peyton, then Britt, and now even Rex Grossman can’t contribute any more. I think the trade for Stafford was necessary, but there’s a distinct chance that you handed Ajay the title when his team starts producing. Yahoo has you favored by 27 over Donnie, which is just unfathomable to me. I truly hope you make good on this, but it’s Donnie’s world and we all just live in it.

11. Ajay – CPP: 84.22 – Last Week: 7th
Well last week was terrible, so all I’ll say is other than Romo, Austin, Ingram and your kicker, the rest of your lineup combined to put up 7 points. That won’t happen again I hope, for everyone’s sake. I’d rather focus on your lineup for the rest of the season: Romo, Gore, Ingram, Austin, Fitz, Roddy. Damn, that’s nice. You have to assume Roddy and/or Fitz will start putting up numbers, and Ingram is only getting better. I’m assuming you make the playoffs as a 5 or 6 seed, and that will be one dangerous team.

12. Alan – CPP: 79.66 – Last Week: 10th
13. Gutman – CPP: 69.48 – Last Week: 12th
14. Bennett – CPP: 65.95 – Last Week: 14th
This is when things start to get ugly. Literally half of our league is .500, so they obviously have a chance at the playoffs. Kimmel is 2-4, but I don’t take him for dead yet. The bottom three teams were either struck with bad injury luck (Alan), had a terrible drafts (Gutman), made dumb trades (Alan and Gutman), or were just slapped in the face with bad luck from the moment they were born (Bennett). I give Alan credit, he’s still trying. His trades might not yield excellent results, but he has a somewhat respectable lineup still, and he has used his waiver position to snag useful players like Earnest Graham, Eric Decker, and our lord and savior Jesus Tebow. He has 13 adds and 5 trades to his name. But the 2 Jewish Philly fans? You’ve used your perpetually shitty waiver position to net Jackie Battle, and that’s about it. I still give Alan an outside chance at the playoffs if Rivers turns it on, but Gutman and Bennett will be sitting awkwardly together watching Eli face Romo in the first round of the playoffs while reminiscing of the good old days with McNabb bouncing passes to Reggie Brown.

Trade Analysis 2

Back to our Trade Expert to go through three more recent trades. Here's Esco's thoughts:


Okay, after another flurry of trade activity its time to hand out some grades. Thankfully Zacherman isn’t involved in any of these trades so I don’t need to worry about any angry gchats about how every trade deserves an A+.
This first one is a little old since we’ve had a game since it happened but it’s quick and easy so here we go and again the “Projected Points” is what Yahoo! estimates for each player for the remainder of the season.

Kimmel (Players to Trade):
James Starks GB (RB) Projected Points: 75

Bennett (Players to Trade):
Mike Williams TB (WR) Projected Points: 63

Yahoo Winner: Bennett narrowly edges Kimmel here. Also important to note that both players still have their byes coming up so no one gets a boost there.

Best Player Involved: Ugh, this is really a wash. Both guys came into the year with lots of fantasy pundits touting their upside after promising regular seasons (Williams) and playoffs (Starks) last year. Neither has gotten anywhere near the levels of production expected so far. I’m going to give this to Mike Williams and Kimmel for one reason. Green Bay clearly wants Starks to take control of the starting job in Green Bay and he has had every opportunity imaginable already to do that, his upside is pretty much zero. At least with Williams you can hope Josh Freeman can get back to last year’s level of play and Williams all of a sudden becomes a solid WR2.

Potential Starters Received: You both basically traded a flex for a flex. This makes Bennett pretty weak at wide receiver since you will now have to start the corpse of Hines Ward or Steve Breaston for the rest of the year but it doesn’t affect the bottom line of either team that much.

Conclusions: No one got screwed here, and no one did any screwing. This was a low risk low reward move. Maybe Bennett was sick of having Williams for a year and a half now, maybe Kimmel thinks Starks is about to blow up. Either way I’m giving you both a B. Nothing outstanding, nothing truly creative, not surprising at all that Bennett was involved with this.

Okay on to the bigger trades of this week

Kimmel (Players to Trade):
Frank Gore SF (RB) Projected Points: 107

Ajay (Players to Trade)
Willis McGahee Den (RB) Projected Points: 113
Matt Stafford Det (QB) Projected Points: 175

Also Kimmel is dropping Marcedes Lewis but the man once traded for a chicken wing has really fallen off since he signed his new 35 million dollar deal at the beginning of the year so not a huge loss.

Yahoo Winner: I don’t know what idiot at Yahoo thinks McGahee is more valuable for the rest of the year than Gore but Kimmel wins in a landslide here 288-107. Gore does have his bye this week while McGahee is already past his but I don’t think that is enough to make Yahoo’s projections make sense.

Best Player Involved: This is an easy one for me. Gore showed against the Lions that he is still a top back and the 49ers are going to ride him until his legs fall off. Probably not a good player to go for next year in the draft but for now he is a must start back every week. All 3 players involved here carry some injury risk with their pasts so that evens out here. Stafford is good but he is not nearly on the same level fantasy wise as Gore just yet.

Potential Starters Received: Another obvious one. All 3 players involved here are instant starters for their new teams. Kimmel currently has zero QBs on his team and before that he had only Andy Dalton and Sexy Rexy so this is a huge upgrade for him. Both teams are very thin at running back so I see no point in the future where both running backs aren’t starting for their team.

Conclusions: Both of these teams are on the cusp of the playoffs but I would call neither a lock to make it with their current teams. Something needed to happen to mix it up and this certainly qualifies. Stafford was expendable for Ajay just like Rivers was for Zacherman last week and Big Ben was for Alan this week so he basically got an upgrade at RB for nothing. I’m worried McGahee may eventually lose his job to Moreno as he returns to health but Kimmel already has Knowshon so that shouldn’t be a concern for him. Ajay’s starting lineup becomes tremendously strong with this new addition and really your only concern now is injury because you have no depth but as long as that doesn’t happen I could see you being favored in most of your matchups here on out. Also just for thought, if I had to guess the over/unders on how many games each of very injury prone players would make it through this year:
McGahee: 14
Gore: 13
Stafford: 12

No one has missed a game yet so we will see how this plays out as the season progresses.

Rating:
Ajay: A- The only reason this isn’t an A is because now you have to scrounge on the waiver wire for a QB and the odds of Romo making it through the year intact are about the same as Stafford’s so that definitely should be a concern for you. Otherwise this trade really has no downside, your starting lineup is now definitely playoff worthy, I’m glad I already played you.
Kimmel: A If I were to grade your overall team it’s not nearly as strong or deep as Ajay’s but this trade does a lot more for you than it does for him. I think Ajay had better than 50% odds of making the playoffs before this; yours were maybe 15%. This takes your team from the bottom to a fighting chance. Usually 7-6 is the cutoff for the playoffs in our league so if you were to lose to Donny this week your fate may have been sealed and with the team you had before this I think you would have lost. Now you have a real chance to sneak in especially with all the teams currently hovering around 3-3 and 2-4.

Alan (Players to Trade):
Ben Roethlisberger Pit (QB) Projected Points: 163

Esco (Players to Trade):
Malcom Floyd SD (WR) Projected Points: 55
Pierre Thomas NO (RB) Projected Points: 63

Yahoo Winner: Big Ben outperforms Floyd and Thomas 163-118. Again I’m not really sure what the hell Yahoo is smoking here. Floyd is far far more valuable than Thomas is and I can’t understand how Yahoo doesn’t understand this.

Conclusions: I’m not going to go into full detail with a trade I am directly involved in but here are my thoughts. This makes Alan’s previous trade a definite A. He got value for his 2nd QB just like others did before. I think I overpaid slightly for Big Ben but I also have seen Vick get abused repeatedly every week and I can’t rely on Sam Bradford for anything so I really needed a quality backup. I’m not sure if I would start Floyd over Alan’s current WR2 Reggie Wayne but he certainly deserves constant consideration for your flex spot every week and in case the Saints have a mass of injuries Thomas gets a big boost in value.

Still a full month away from the trade deadline so plenty of time to make moves if you haven’t already, action is always better than inaction. Ask Chris Long if you don’t believe me.

Week 6 Rankings

As many of you have heard already, I will be moving to Austin, Texas in two weeks. This will affect the rankings in a few ways:

Pros: Because Tara is busy with law school, I’ll have more time to devote to these rankings outside of work, due to pure boredom among other things, and I hope to increase the functionality of the blog. Additionally, this opens up Austin as a more favorable draft location, and the New Orleans-Austin road trip becomes a definite for 2012. I also have 25 vacation days, which I’ll no longer be spending on my girlfriend, so I’ll be able to make all league meetings as long as I have enough notice.

Cons: The next two weeks will likely suffer because I have other shit to do to prepare for my move. After that, I have no idea what my work situation is going to be like, so the rankings may continue to suffer until I get my routine down.

If you don’t like those terms, I don’t care because it’s happening anyway.

Bitching About Kicking
QB – Rodgers 23, Gabbert 9 – Experts 107, Random 67
Difference per game of 8
RB – Foster 17, DMC 6 – Experts 74, Random 40
Difference per game of 6.8
WR – Calvin 19, Santonio 12 – Experts 82, Random 46
Difference per game of 7.2
TE – Graham 12, Olsen 8 – Experts 26, Random 26
Difference per game of 0
Kicker – Rackers 11, Vinatieri (Carpenter was on a bye) 8 – Experts 41, Random 36
Difference per game of 1
D/ST – Lions 7, Jets 5 – Experts 44, Random 54
Difference per game of -2
Lineups this week:
Experts: Rodgers, AP, Calvin, Graham, Rackers, Packers
Random: Campbell, DMC, Santana, Watson, Crosby, Pats

Week 6 Rankings

1. Esco – CPP: 158.25 – Last Week: 1st
Looks like you’re going to be getting comfortable up here. After Donnie finally lost last week, you stand alone as the last undefeated team. If you were playing half the teams in the league you would have gone down as well, but as it turned out Weissbard’s team forgot to show up. Those are the breaks you catch when you’re in first. This week you get my team, which shouldn’t be the one to dethrone you, but you are a little thin at receiver. Crazier things have happened but I see you staying here next week. And thank God, because if you lose…

2. Barnard – CPP: 143.42 – Last Week: 3rd
Good god Barnard cannot see first place in the CPP. Granted, the last time it happened was two years ago, and he promptly lost 7 straight and collapsed as bad as the Red Sox, but I still can’t stomach seeing him in first. As it stands I’ll be seeing him enough in person that I can’t have his team be successful. Which reminds me, everyone in this league is welcome to visit Austin whenever they want, however there is a hierarchy for who gets to crash on the couch. It goes Alan, then everyone else, then Barnard. Schedule your visits accordingly.

3. Kumpf – CPP: 126.22 – Last Week: 8th
For the first time I can remember, I have something clearly more important to do than write up these rankings. Will that stop me? We’ll see. Also I hate having my entire team besides the immortal Ed Dickson playing at 1pm. Even if I’m up 50 it won’t be enough. I get the bonus of having Daniel Thomas crush my upset bid against the Jets on MNF as the Fins drop closer to 0-16. I’m so glad I put $5 on “Will there be an 0-16 team?” at 30:1 during the preseason. Andrew Luck and a hundred fifty bucks makes it almost worth it.

4. Joseph – CPP: 124.90 – Last Week: 5th
The good news is you have the 4th most points in the league. The bad news is that you’re 2-3. But the somewhat good news is that puts you in the playoffs, if they started today. Honestly, just beating Donnie last week was enough to put you at #1 in my personal power rankings, but the numbers don’t lie. You should easily find .500 this week against Bennett, even if your WRs combine to put up 2 points again.

5. AGD – CPP: 118.35 – Last Week: 12th
I can’t figure out why you’re 2-3. I look at everyone’s team, and I think I might like yours the best. Obviously your QBs are a joke in real life, but they’ve done pretty well for you so far. I don’t think you have a clear area of improvement that needs to be addressed. And yet, sub-.500. The 505 points against explains part of it, but you’ve only broke 90 once. I think our teams have a similar problem, in that we have solid rosters, but will never blow people out of the water.

6. Autodraft – CPP: 117.31 – Last Week: 2nd
One week. I missed your team’s implosion by one fucking week. Your RB’s put up two combined points. Of course they did! They’re Stevan Ridley and Joseph Addai! I have to admit, when Megatron caught that 70-yard bomb on MNF, I thought you were gonna pull off the 38-point comeback. That’s how shit has worked for you the last year in this league. This week you get a streaking Ajay team who gets Miles Austin back. Is this when the tide finally starts to turn?

7. Ajay – CPP: 111.87 – Last Week: 10th
It’s pretty amazing that only 5 of our 14 teams are over .500. I don’t know what that says about the league or about this season, but it certainly gives Esco, Donaldson, and myself a big advantage in terms of making the playoffs. Ajay rounds out that over-.500 group and rightfully so. Thanks to McGahee’s resurgence, Ingram’s steady rise, and solid play at QB and WR, this is a team no one wants to play right now.

8. Zacherman – CPP: 110.19 – Last Week: 11th
If you win the championship, I’m not sure which you would rather get: the money, or the chance to say “I told you so” to everyone that doubted your trades. Okay, obviously it’s the money. But I’ve never seen someone so dead set on proving people wrong than you are with these trades. They look good after one week, I’ll say that. Whether they hold up remains to be seen.

9. Kimmel – CPP: 104.84 – Last Week: 6th
It always sucks losing after leading going into MNF. We’ve all been there. But I think your team has bigger issues. Looking at the production from your players last week, that’s really your best case scenario. And it was only 74 points. That’s not good. I know you lost Peyton and Britt, which is nearly impossible to bounce back from in this league, but I might try to trade one of my productive RBs for a WR that can give you something.

10. Alan – CPP: 97.61 – Last Week: 9th
You lost the annual Battle of the Brown, on MNF as well, which stings. Your team has a definite ceiling of about 85 points, and after that it’s really tough to imagine you hanging with anyone. So when your opponent drops 77, you need to take advantage. If I were you I’d be most pissed that Curtis Painter seems to only be banging Garcon and not Wayne (or Clark, much to my chagrin). On second thought, I’d be pissed that you gave up Andre to get Rivers, and then when you start him, you lose because of it. Or that you decided that Eric Decker and Jacoby Jones were worth starting over DeAngelo Williams. One of those reasons would get me pissed.

11. Weissbard – CPP: 91.65 – Last Week: 4th
God dammit Weissbard. You have to capitalize when a first place team lays an egg. Your team played so terribly, that I’ll let you sum it up in your own words:

Dan: it was embarassing
i think the worst i've had in my fantasy career
which says a lot considering my week 1

as well as

Dan: besides the fact that my team is awful this week
jacobs and blount both might not play
which already are mediocre at best players
so the fact that i'm hurting by them not playing pretty much describes my team

12. Gutman – CPP: 87.93 – Last Week: 14th
91 points! That’s awesome! Keep up the good work!
Seriously though, if we had played, we would have tied. So there’s that. Unfortunately you ran into the Nard Dog’s three-headed monster of AP, Fred Jackson and D-Bowe. If I were you I would start Painter the rest of the season, just to see who can win a game with him first, you or the Colts. I’ll take Colts -110 on that one.

13. Billy – CPP: 80.29 – Last Week: 7th
When I said that Arian and Brees could carry you to the playoffs, I thought you understood that it was implied that they would need help. Last week they put up 38 points combined, which is solid. No one else on your team broke 4. 4! That needs to change. Also, I’m going to be in New Orleans on Halloween and the day after. Not sure if you’re around, but let me know.

14. Bennett – CPP: 78.64 – Last Week: 13th
Everyone here knows I love the Home Alone movie franchise. And while Home Alone 2 is the superior movie, the first one laid the ground work. It also contained a quote that I think of every time I hear your name or look at your team. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTJ7t-pWc_0. Although it does use my name, I think it specifically applies to you, including your lame reaction of “Shut up.”

Week 5 Rankings

Can’t really come up with an opening that wouldn’t lead to me going into a baseball rant, so I’m going right into it.

Bitching About Kicking
In past years in this space, I have argued that kickers should get negative points for misses, which would treat them like any other player. The argument against that is, from what I can tell, either A) Kickers don’t have control over blocked kicks, and B) I don’t care if we change their scoring or not. Well it’s been over two years and no change has come, so my crusade against kickers must continue.

This year I’m trying to prove that, in a game where we pride ourselves on skill, kickers take all skill out of the equation. In Nick’s critique of my analysis he was correct about some things and incorrect on a few as well. First, taking Kaeding out of the equation Week 1 is not fair, he was #1 going into the week and his getting hurt was unpredictable ahead of time. Anyone that started him received 0 points, so that’s how it should be for this study. In terms of outliers, it’s going to be a growing sample as the year progresses so the sample size will increase. And I do not follow Yahoo’s projected points, I think they’re as worthless as everyone else does. I follow ESPN’s “experts” rankings. While this is admittedly not perfect, those men are paid to provide fantasy advice, so they’re as much of a reliable source as you can find. And I’ll be using them all year, so at least it’s consistent.

The one area where Nick was absolutely correct is that I can’t just do this for kickers, I need to do it for every position! So I have done just that.
Pretty interesting results so far, though a couple of “outlier” performances were chosen at random (Gates being shut out by the Pats, Ravens D this past week). Here are the results by position so far:

QB – Experts 84 (Rivers, Rodgers, Brady, Brady) – Random 58 (Cassel, Rivers, Newton, Ryan)
Difference per Game of 6.5 points.
RB – Experts 57 (Peterson, Peterson, Peterson, Peterson) – Random 34 (Hillis, Gore, Lynch, D. Williams)
Difference per Game of 5.75 points.
WR – Experts 63 (Andre, Andre, Andre, Calvin) – Random 34 (Harvin, Sims-Walker, Denarius Moore, Wallace)
Difference per Game of 7.25 points.
TE – Experts 14 (Gates, Gates, Witten, Gronkowski) – Random 18 (Shiancoe, Finley, Chandler, Shiancoe)
Difference per Game of -1 point.
K – Experts 30 (Kaeding, Gostkowski, Rackers, Rackers) – Random 28 (Nugent, Hauschka, Suisham, Longwell)
Difference per Game of 0.5 points.
DEF – Experts 37 (Steelers, Steelers, Steelers, Packers) – Random 49 (Chiefs, Eagles, Bucs, Ravens)
Difference per Game of -3 points.

Even if we don’t change our kicker situation, I’m interested to see these results. This week the experts’ team is Rodgers, Foster, Calvin, Jimmy Graham, Rackers and the Lions. And the random team is Gabbert, McFadden, Holmes, Olsen, Carpenter, and the Jets.

Week 5 Rankings
1. Esco – CPP: 181.52 – Last Week: 1st
Calling the rest of the league irrelevant last week was probably warranted. That was impressive. But no one likes an undefeated team, just ask David Tyree. And while Yahoo/Donaldson might be target #1, you are not far behind. But seriously, if Mike Wallace putting up 7 is your worst performer, there’s not a chance you drop a game this season. This week you may have your first hiccup. Byes to future MVP Ray Rice, Ravens D and Daniel Thomas force his French cousin Pierre and Michael Bush into your lineup, and you get a rolling Weissbard team with Brady clean cut and ready for revenge. I’m not predicting a loss, but without your studs you’ll be as ripe for an upset as ever.

2. Autodraft – CPP: 141.50 – Last Week: 2nd
I said everything I had to in the lyrics to your Fantasy D-Name (now with no cocks!). I really wanted to perform the name, but I was on the road without my webcam-enabled computer. Also, my Dangerfield ©days are behind me, so my voice is not as good at hitting Cee Lo’s notes. Having said that, Yahoo deservedly beat me last week. Going forward, this is more of a Donaldson team. I like the moves you’ve made, going from a backfield of dog shit to Addai/Ridley is no small feat in our league. This week you face-off against Joseph, who continually ranks you at the top spot of the fake power rankings. I don’t know if his esteem for you works in your favor or not, but I do know that Calvin and Welker won’t combine for 42 every week (they do have byes) so your luck is bound to turn at some point.

3. Barnard – CPP: 134.61 – Last Week: 5th
I think you’re one of the only teams in this league that actually has the proper record. I look at your roster and see a solid but not spectacular QB, as good of an RB trio as you can get in our league, and shit for WRs. That spells a .500 record to me. I don’t think it spells playoffs for you, but on a given week when AP is roided up, you can matchup with anyone in this league. Luckily for you, you have Gutman this week, who anyone’s bench can matchup with every week.

4. Weissbard – CPP: 128.72 – Last Week: 9th
Why you have someone named Alfonso Smith on your team is beyond me. I keep forgetting to mention that in this space, then I see it when I check each team’s roster every morning and I laugh. If that is your ultimate motivation, then it’s succeeding. Your team is clearly built around Brady’s dominance (and no longer his hair), Nicks/VJax and their big play ability, and the hope that one or two of your (Mc)cluster-fuck of RBs finds the endzone. It’s not a bad strategy, particularly when Blount appears to be hitting his stride, but it might not be strong enough to get you to the promise land. I’m coming out with my annual Mock Trade column next week, and I already have yours figured out. I’m sure you’re on the edge of the phone book you put on your seat.

5. Joseph – CPP: 122.57 – Last Week: 11th
It might be panic time for you. Rodgers is playing out of his mind, he’s continuing to throw to Nelson, Aaron Hernandez is still out, and the Titans are winning, yet you’re 1-3. Granted, CJ has been about as productive as Eddie George this year, but considering everything else, your team has been in a pretty good spot so far. Pretty soon A-Her will be back, Rodgers will spread it even more, Ridley will surpass the Law Firm, and Marion Barber and/or Roy Williams will get cut. Your window for wins is closing fast, so I really hope you beat Donnie this week, for your sake and the league’s.

6. Kimmel – CPP: 117.68 – Last Week: 13th
You definitely win the award for “Team That Looks Terrible But Actually Has Some Talent From A Fantasy Perspective.” Not to mention that you lost Peyton and Britt, and your best remaining players from a name recognition perspective (Gore, Colston) haven’t even given you any production. While I think your outlook for the playoffs is bleak, I was not too excited about playing you this week. And on top of your sneaky-good roster, I have the karma of shitting on you for your lack of fantasy success waiting to bite me in the ass. I see a low-scoring close game on the horizon for us, and I think it will come down to whoever wins the Tolbert/Mathews battle for carries.

7. Billy – CPP: 115.82 – Last Week: 6th
I’m gonna start by apologizing. Last week I told you that Ryan Torain (among others) had no place on your bench due to having no carries all year. Oops. While I hope I am not your only source for fantasy advice like I am for Alan, I still feel bad about that one. Moving on, the fact that Reggie and Steve Slaton have a bye, and that actually hurts your team, is a bad sign. At least Arian showed up in full force, and I still believe that him and Brees can carry you to the playoffs, but you won’t get far deciding between LT and Reggie for your RB2 spot.

8. Kumpf – CPP: 107.83 – Last Week: 3rd
Looking at my roster, that is not a 4-0 team, so I can’t complain about where I’m at. It is, I think, a playoff team. The main issue I have with my team is that it will never put up those 130+ point weeks. I’ll linger around 90-100 every week, win two out of three games, grab the 4 seed and lose in the first round of the playoffs. And after my performance the last two years, I’m fine with that. Random note, what were the odds going into the year that I would look at Kimmel’s roster the week I’m playing him and say “Thank God Rex Grossman is on a bye.”

9. Alan – CPP: 107.18 – Last Week: 10th
I find it funny that you “lost” the trade with Gutman (though it was close), then Andre got hurt, and a week after that your team is in a much better place than it was before this whole process started. I’m sure you must cry yourself to sleep more than usual at night thinking about what might have been if Charles stayed healthy. Nevertheless, I like your team. It might not be a playoff team, but it’s respectable. And if you can possibly flip Rivers or Ben, then who knows where you might end up. What I’m trying to say is good job.

10. Ajay – CPP: 106.83 – Last Week: 4th
You really need to get rid of Stafford or Romo. I hate having to choose between Schaub and Fitzpatrick every week, but at least they have similar production. The highs are higher and the lows are lower for you. At least you don’t have to make the call this week, but I would look to make trade for an RB as soon as you can, because now you have Alan in the same position. And I think I speak for the rest of the league in saying that when I have two Indian men offering me a “great deal,” I assume I’m getting ripped off on lotto tickets.

11. Zacherman – CPP: 101.51 – Last Week: 12th
That’s what a good team does, plan for the future. You gave away a sure fire #1 QB in Rivers, stashed away Andre Johnson at 70 cents on the dollar, and went all-in on the Carolina Panthers. I only have a few problems with that. One, it’s been four weeks, Rivers will turn it around. Two, you’re 1-3 so sacrificing at least three weeks without Andre, and then having his bye, is a tough proposition. And three, it’s only a matter of time before teams figure out Cam, he stops throwing to Smith in triple coverage, Smith gets mad and breaks Cam’s arm in a locker room fight. And on that day I will be the one who said I told you so.

12. AGD – CPP: 89.53 – Last Week: 8th
Yikes the byes hit you hard this week. Not having Marshall or Hillis this week will be tough to work with, especially when you’re replacing them with Crabtree and David Nelson, who has as generic a name as our very own jersey-selling entrepreneur/scam artist in Albany. Luckily you face an equally fucked Billy this week, so your chances aren’t completely shot. I can easily see this team snatching a 6 seed in the last week of the season, then running train through the playoffs and losing in the finals a la 2009.

13. Bennett – CPP: 88.74 – Last Week: 14th
Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re serious. I’m not talking about the lineup you put out each week, your team name, or even your profession. But trying to sell us knock-off jerseys? And refusing to back down no matter how many people shit on you? I would love to know what goes on in your head. Also, I think you’re the only person in the world who started Forte last week and lost.

14. Gutman – CPP: 82.63 – Last Week: 7th
26 points from Pierre Garcon! That’s awesome!
I’ve decided that I will be starting your section with any positive I can find each week, and I’m sure there won’t be many of them. While Garcon’s TDs were relatively fluky, Painter sure was looking his way a lot. So much so that you decided he was worth a roster spot apparently. Don’t feel too bad, I was there last year, talking myself into Dan Orlovsky, but also don’t kid yourself that you have a chance in hell of making the playoffs. Those dreams are as dead as Steve Jobs (too soon?).