I hope by now you're all recovered from the heat, booze, and brisket that you bathed in last weekend. As I said, it really meant a lot for you all to come down here, despite me explicitly asking you not to. Despite none of us setting foot on Dirty Sixth or Rainey Street, or any lakes or rivers, I hope you got a flavor of Austin.
While it was obviously cheaper and easier for me to have the draft in my home of 11 years, one of the less obvious reasons that Austin is a great draft city, is that it allows me to use Dazed and Confused for draft grades. Enjoy.
Zacherman
Wooderson: Say, man, you got a joint?
Mitch: No, not on me, man.
Wooderson: It'd be a lot cooler if you did.
The easiest and most obvious quote goes to Z, though for his team I could just as easily substitute "Runningback" for "joint." Relying on Zeke as your RB1 is questionable enough, but complementing him with Cordarrelle and a slew of backups has me very uneasy about picking Ajay over you in the Division Draft. I see a trade of Russ and St. Brown for a mediocre RB in your future.
Best Pick: Ezekiel Elliott for $36. I don't love relying on Zeke, but I do like the value you got. He came in right around JK Dobbins and Cam Akers, and I much prefer Zeke to those players.
Worst Pick: Travis Kelce for $45. Picking the first player at a onesie position is always a risk (see Barnard's Allen pick), and in this case, the market did not follow you (Andrews was $13 cheaper). Having Kelce will be fun, but you definitely sacrificed elsewhere.
Grade: C+
Levine
Wooderson: All right, all right, all right.
The best quote of the movie goes to the team that I have as the Stevens Bowl favorite. Levine's strategy is well known by now, but the fact that he never deviates, and never speaks, during the draft remains impressive. As always, Levine's team has massive ceiling questions, including a group of RBs that may not get the lion's share of their teams carries. But he's an injury away from a couple of RB1s, and has absurd WR depth that will only get better once Nuk is back Week 7 (I'm still salty about the Bateman malfunction, but after getting a beer dumped on your computer in Canada, I supposed you were due for some technology-aided karma). The Niners' offense will play an outsized role in your success, and Jimmy G's presence complicates that a few ways, but this is easily a playoff team and likely a scary one.
Best Pick: Rashod Bateman for $7. I don't want to talk about it.
Worst Pick: DeAndre Hopkins for $7. Levine rarely overpays with his strategy, and this could look extremely dumb in four months, but Hopkins just isn't worth an investment this year. He's guaranteed to miss half the fantasy regular season without even being able to use an IR slot on him, and he's injury prone even when he's not suspended. Seven bucks isn't a lot, but it could have been used elsewhere.
Grade: B+
Nick
Clint: I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer.
[glances over his shoulder]
Clint: Looks like we're almost outta beer.
Could have easily gone to Esco for the fact that the house kept running out of beer, but instead goes to our resident Los Angeleno who seemed determined to start a fight at the soccer game. Witnessing Nick have 5 different people tell him he spilled a woman's beer, and him respond exactly the same every time, "I DON'T CARE!", was nothing if not on brand. Speaking of on brand, Nick saw his roster miss the playoffs last year, and just decided to run it back. I liked his roster after the draft in Asheville. I like it less this year.
Best Pick: Saquon Barkley for $48. Obviously a massive injury risk, but not enough to be $20 less than Ekeler, $10 less than Mixon, and only slightly more than guys like Chubb.
Worst Pick: Melvin Gordon for $9. As fun as it is to rip on Melvin, I actually think the price here was fair. The issue is more than Nick used essentially the last of his budget on a fourth RB (who was not a handcuff to any of his other guys), without having a WR2. Rob Woods is a decent consolation, but if he had even a few dollars left, he could have gotten a guy like Bateman, Mooney, or Jeudy, and I would like his team a lot more.
Grade: C-
Lowe
Slater: Imagine how many people out there are fuckin' right now man, just goin' at it.
Pretty sure Lowe said this exact sentence at some point this weekend, and for some reason Alan got jealous.
Marco
O'Bannion: You are an embarrassment to the game of pool and should be glad I even let you play at my table.
This quote goes to the team with the worst draft grade. The major caveat here is that Marco is by far the most active trader in the league, so there is no way he ends the season with anything close to this roster. It may not be better, but it will definitely be different.
Best Pick: Aaron Jones at $45. Not a ton of value or overpays on this team, but I did like the Jones pick. While Dillon is looming, Rodgers only has a couple of guys he trusts left, and Jones is one of them. Paying less then Fournette and way less than Kamara was a good move.
Worst Pick: Mark Ingram at $7. I believe this was by accident, but Rachaad White at $5 also applies. Because you got big names at WR and TE, you needed to be extremely careful with how you handled RB2. Instead, you have to hope Kamara gets suspended and/or Fournette lives close to a buffet.
Grade: D+
Kumpf
Mrs. Kramer, Mitch's Mother: Have you been drinking?
Mitch: No
[falls on bed and can't even take off both boots]
Mrs. Kramer, Mitch's Mother: Are you drunk?
Mitch: [clearly drunk] Psshh
This unfortunate exchange goes to me, and while I didn't actually drink, waking up for class at 6am every morning of Draft Weekend made it feel that way. I'm pretty sure I would have been near the bottom of the list on a "Who will be the first league member to have a sober Draft Weekend?" odds pool, but here we are. It may have somewhat helped my eventual roster, but I left $6 on the table that could have been used to raise my ceiling at WR or TE, so maybe the booze gave me power.
Best Pick: Rashaad Penny for $12. At one point in the draft, the only viable starting RBs left were Edmonds, Mitchell, and Penny. Edmonds went for $26, Mitchell went for $27, and Penny went for less than half that.
Worst Pick: Michael Carter for $8. Despite rumors that he's the guy for the Jets, this money (along with the money left on the table) should have been used to upgrade at WR or TE.
Grade: B
Esco
Pickford: Slater-san, how's it goin'?
Slater: Fixin' to be a lot better, man.
After a terrible 2021, Esco is looking for a revival this year, and I think he has the makings of a playoff team.
Best Pick: Tony Pollard for $10. This is up there with best pick in the entire draft. Pollard is on par with Dillon as the top handcuffs in the league, and there is a legit chance he's the starter in Big D come playoff time. All for the same price as Dallas Goedert? Well done Esco.
Worst Pick: Michael Pittman for $37. Pittman definitely has the ability and situation to be worth this price, but that's about his ceiling. You never want to pay for the ceiling.
Grade: B
Bennett
Dawson: Did you hear that O'Bannion flunked?
Pink: Yeah, what a dumbshit.
Bennett is not getting the worst grade this year, but like Ben Affleck in the movie, he keeps repeating the same mistakes and expecting similar results. He made some good picks early on, but then completely shat the bed on rounding out his team, overpaying for an Eagle, and justifying his annual first round Division Draft selection. The upside is there for this team, but so is the Shot Spot potential.
Best Pick: Javonte Williams for $41. The timeshare is concerning, but I really like the value here.
Worst Pick: Devonta Smith for $15. This is probably the worst pick in the draft. Smith has talent but has shown nothing that justifies him going for $5 more than Jerry Jeudy or $1 more than DK Metcalf.
Grade: C
Gutman
Slater: Oh, man, I'm fuckin' wasted.
We got a rare glimpse of Old Gutman on Draft Day, complete with goofy laugh, unconvincing trash talk, and general incoherence. Always great to have that guy around. Not so great for his team though. Gut essentially went with a half-Billy strategy, grabbing two somewhat big names at RB and hoping there is enough around them to compete. My issue with this team is that it's basically a half-measure: Ekeler and Mixon aren't going to guarantee you 40+ points per week, yet the rest of your team is also not going to prop them up. If you hit on all your starters, this is a playoff team. Odds are you'll have a miss in there due to injury or underperformance.
Best Pick: George Pickens for $2. These are the types of picks that can make or break the Billy strategy. You didn't have much money left at this point, but spending the extra dollar here could pay off with a weekly Flex option.
Worst Pick: Tyler Allgeier for $5. Your studs all went for reasonable prices, but that meant you needed to be super careful with your bench slots (like Pickens). Picking the RB3 for the worst team in the league at $5 is not being super careful, especially with guys like Rob Woods and MVS going for under $5 later on.
Grade: C
Barnard
Carl Burnett: Don't let the fact that you won't be able to sit down all summer affect your game.
Quote presented without comment, but it could apply to Barnard's fantasy season after dropping a whopping $37 on Josh Allen. Allen is undoubtedly fun to have on your team, but 1) he's going to play the Pats twice, and 2) he went for the same price as Justin Herbert and DK Metcalf combined. I honestly don't hate this team, but I would like it a lot more if the Allen price was reasonable.
Best Pick: David Montgomery for $25. This was an under the radar outstanding value. Monty is not fun to watch or root for, but he's a weekly RB2 and went for at least $10 less than he should have.
Worst Pick: Josh Allen for $1 more than Tyreek Hill. No need to pile on.
Grade: B-
Alan
Mitch: Are you starting again next year?
Pink: I dunno man, I may not even play.
This quote goes to the two-time Stevens Bowl Champ who is perpetually on the verge of quitting the league but never really does (and likely never will). Alan had an interesting approach this year, which was apparently, "I'm getting these five players on my team no matter what they cost." I was honestly jealous of him during the draft as he literally never lost an auction. It didn't lead to the best team, but CMC and Lamar will be fun, while Keenan and Fat Lenny provide a pretty high floor. His WR2 is a complete debacle, but there are definitely worse teams out there.
Best Pick: Leonard Fournette for $48. Not a ton of huge values on this roster, but I liked getting Fournette for under $50.
Worst Pick: James Cook for $7. Similar to some of the criticisms above, this value may not be terrible, but spending your last medium budget on the fourth rushing option on Buffalo over some of the remaining receivers was a misstep.
Grade: C+
Billy
Pink: It's best to get it all at once. After the first 10 licks your ass gets so numb you don't feel it.
Despite deviating slightly from his usual strategy, Billy still went big on the clear-cut top RB. He complemented JTT with studs at QB and WR, which gives him a bit more balance than usual, but I'm not sure if his team is better overall. I have honestly no idea what the plan is at RB2, and while Renfrow for $4 was a steal, the only real upside on your bench is probably MVS. You can never say never with a Billy squad, but I think I like Stud RB Billy more than Attempt At Balance Billy.
Best Pick: Hunter Renfrow for $4. This one slipped in while everyone was drunk, but it's exactly what a Billy team usually needs.
Worst Pick: Diontae Johnson for $22. I don't hate the value, and though he's already hurt again and is often massively frustrating to own, I typically like Diontae. The issue here is that there was much more value available at WR than RB, so rather than start Renfrow at WR2 and spend $22 on a Miles Sanders/Josh Jacobs type at RB2, you're stuck with (checks roster) J.D. McKissic at RB2.
Grade: C
Weissbard
Pink: All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself.
Swap "years" with "team", and this fits perfectly for Weissbard. After making the Stevens Bowl three times in four years, he does not appear to be set for a return trip this year. This grade is for how things stood at the time of the draft, so it considers Brian Robinson to be RB2 in a committee in DC, but even then, there is a lot of question marks on this roster. Will Davante still be a stud away from Rodgers? Can Deebo put up absurd TD numbers two years in a row? Can Najee survive with no QB and a terrible O-Line? The answers could all be yes, but that's 75% of your draft budget on three players who will need to average 75 points per week to keep your team afloat.
Best Pick: Dameon Pierce for $14. His stock has only risen since the draft, but getting him for under $20 that early in the draft was a big time move.
Worst Pick: Deebo Samuel for $40. Even if he stays healthy all year, the entire Niners offense will look different this year, as will his role in it. Unless he keeps busting 50+ yard TDs at a historic clip, I think he'll have trouble living up to this price.
Grade: C-
AGD
Slater: Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.
With Belfer the only league member not in attendance, I got a front row seat to hear Reap's side of the conversation during the draft. This led to some enjoyable back-and-forths, including a "you hang up first, no you hang up first" end to the phone call. The best part was after Belfer was off the phone for a good half hour, he put in a random bid for a player that was definitely not necessary at the time. I don't think I've seen Reap lose his cool before but that was close.
Best Pick: Darnell Mooney for $10. I don't love Mooney and I definitely don't like the Bears, but $10 for the only viable WR on an offense that will be trailing most of the time is a hell of a value.
Worst Pick: Isaiah Spiller for $6. Not a lot of bad picks on this roster, so I'll settle for spending over $5 on the current RB4 on the Chargers, who is not even your own handcuff.
Grade: B
Ajay
Slater: I'm letting you have shotgun. But cuz it's cuz only 'cuz I'm goin' inside.
We'll close with a somewhat random line that I can totally picture Ajay saying. I chose Ajay over Z for my division with the thought process that they have had similar performances recently, Z has a better PAA than Ajay since the start of this league, and Ajay is my Rival this year. That rationale quickly backfired, as Z has no runningbacks and Ajay has 6 that would be RB2 for Z. Ajay has a similar depth vs. ceiling situation that each of the top 5 graded teams do, and while he has more question marks than Levine, I think he's right there for best squad in the league.
Best Pick: Jerry Jeudy for $10. Top three value in the draft, and will be endlessly annoying to watch him become a top 10 WR with Russ.
Worst Pick: Devin Singletary for $20. At the time Ajay had no RBs so this kind of makes sense, but given how the rest of his team turned out, I think this money was better spent elsewhere.
Grade: B+
Draft Grade Summary:
Levine: B+
Ajay: B+
Kumpf: B
AGD: B
Esco: B
Barnard: B-
Alan: C+
Zacherman: C+
Billy: C
Gutman: C
Bennett: C
Nick: C-
Weissbard: C-
Marco: D+
No A grades this year, as I think we collectively did a pretty solid but not spectacular job drafting our squads. My grades almost completely contradict ESPN's which is probably a good sign for me and a bad sign for AGD. The official Stevens Bowl pick is Levine over Ajay, so I look forward to Marco trading his way to a chef's coat over a Weissbard team that somehow makes the finals with the 11th most points scored.
One final update, relating to the blog this year. My life has become endlessly more complicated in the last year, so the weekly Power Rankings will be on hiatus for at least this season. I'll likely check in from time to time with a quarterly or halfway post, as well as a Mock Trade Extravaganza, but the only regular posts here will be Trade Grades. Guest writers are encouraged if anyone has the urge.
Football!
