It's been four months since Belfer literally rode a topless Alan on the floor of our apartment in Savannah. Little did I know that it would be the highlight of my season. Belfer's too for that matter, as it always sucks to lose when you have the best team. But shit happens, especially in the playoffs, and here we are with a championship matchup of Esco vs. BAM.
Wait, that's not how we do things around here. It's motherfucking Stevens Bowl!
BILLY! ESCO! MARSHALL! DIKEMBE! IT'S THE STEVENS BOWL V!
We have a few things going on this year. Billy going for his second Chef Coat. Esco looking to avenge a Stevens Bowl defeat last year. Marshall trying to be our fourth rookie champion in five years. Both of our multi-racial teams in the championship game. If this were the actual Super Bowl, I'm not sure which storyline ESPN would beat to death. So let's get to the preview:
Stevens Bowl Preview: Esco vs. BAM
Quarterbacks:
Based on the stats and the matchups, Esco has the edge here as Cam has put up yet another top-3 fantasy season. But as things usually go with Billy and Marshall, looks can be deceiving. In his road games this year, Russell Wilson has averaged 16.4 PPG. However when he plays in the madhouse in Seattle, that number jumps up to 19.8 PPG. In case you were wondering, Cam has average 19.2 PPG this year. I fully expect both of these guys to have huge games.
Edge: Even
Runningbacks:
Ordinarily, BAM has this part of the breakdown wrapped up. Shady has been RB2 on the season, with Skittles right behind him at 4. But Esco can throw up a pretty nice counterpunch here, with Forte (RB3) as well as the FJax/Mathews combo (RBs 12 and 14). It's hard relying on Mathews ever, and Jackson is constantly a threat to lose touches to Spiller or get hurt, but I'm not comfortable awarding a huge edge to BAM here. Make no mistake though, with Shady matched up against Chicago, this is position is not even.
Edge: BAM
Wide Receivers/Tight Ends:
At receiver, Esco has an astronomical edge, but there are some caveats. First, Esco needs to hope that Philly is trailing so that DeSean can steal some touches from Shady. Next, whatever happened with Demaryius last week cannot happen again. And finally, the Colston/James Jones combo for BAM is possibly as good as it's been all year. Colston has 17 receptions, 200+ yards and 3 TDs in his last two games, and Jones will likely be getting Rodgers back. I ordinarily hate BAM starting Brandon LaFell, but there is always the chance that he counteracts some of Cam's points, a fine bit of gamesmanship in any matchup, let alone the Stevens Bowl.
As for TE, this is where it gets interesting. Esco's decision between Pitta and Cameron notwithstanding, BAM has Vernon Davis going as the last player on either side. We saw both the Buttholes and Weissbard fall short with the last player left last week, but it certainly makes things interesting. I'm not sure how big a lead Esco would need to have going into MNF to feel comfortable, but I guarantee it's more than 25.
Edge: Esco
Defense:
Neither team here is playing a stud defense. Esco is starting San Diego over his typical Arizona D, but I agree with the move, as if Seattle destroys AZ at home (which I think they will), then not only will Wilson and Skittles put up good numbers, but the Cards D will also suffer. I like the SD matchup with Oakland, but the Chargers have a unique ability to suck at the worst possible times. As for BAM, they're starting the Bills D against a Miami team that just upset the Pats. And I love it. This is the type of game that Miami is destined to blow, and Tannehill has all the makings of a 4 turnover game in cold weather. I don't think the defenses swing this matchup one way or the other, and that's a good thing.
Edge: Even
Discussion:
I've gone 1-3 in playoff predictions this year, so this whole thing may be a giant waste of time, other than giving Gutman something to read while he's trying to poop as quickly as possible. The matchup will determined on SNF, with Shady going up against Forte/DeSean. Even if Esco comes out of that game with a decent lead, the Falcons have been miserable at stopping anyone this year, so I think Vernon gives BAM the win. And in case you were wondering, yes, I'm picking them solely so we can see this with the Chef Coat at the draft next year.
Verdict: BAM in a close one.
It's also worth noting that the Wessibard/Buttholes matchup will determine who the final Division Captain is this year, so that game does have some value. As you might imagine, I'm picking the Buttholes in a blowout.
I'm en route to Jersey as we speak, so maybe I'll see some of you over the next couple weeks. Or maybe not. Either way...
BILLY! ESCO! MARSHALL! DIKEMBE! IT'S THE STEVENS BOWL V!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Semi-Final Preview
Considering I was 0 for 2 last week in my haphazard picks, it's time to examine things a little more closely this week. But before I do that, we need to say goodbye to two of our luckiest playoff teams in recent memory.
Barnard - It's fitting that the first time all year that your team looked somewhat acceptable, your season immediately ends. Over the course of the season, you amassed exactly one no-doubt starter, and while Calvin is truly transcendent, he needs a supporting cast. Obviously S-Jax was injured, as were all of Brady's weapons, but I have a hard time remembering how you spent $200 on this roster. Next year you need to just watch a couple SportsCenters and remember that there are more teams in the league than the one who gets absurd game-changing PI calls in their favor every week.
Donny - Your matchup vs. Weiss was all about consistency vs. boom/bust. The good news was that you put up nearly your highest point total of the season, despite getting jack shit from 3 of your starters and your DST. The bad news is that Weiss had one of his good weeks, and in his good weeks, he's nearly unbeatable. Regardless, you had a nice bounce-back year and got me to change the way I spell your name.
Semi-Final Preview
Matchup 1: Buttholes vs. BAM
Quarterbacks:
This was supposed to be the week that the Josh Gordon trade paid off for the Buttholes. Instead, they have to trot out Kaepernick, who has looked good as of late. Unfortunately, he's going up against the player whom he will be compared against for the rest of his career. And even more unfortunately, that player gets to feast on the G-Men.
Edge: BAM
Runningbacks:
If Peterson plays, this becomes a discussion, but right now that's looking unlikely. BAM drafted their duo and didn't trade them for WR help, for better or worse. It was for better last week, and looks to be so again this week.
Edge: BAM
Wide Receivers/TE:
The Buttholes obviously own the receiver part of this position grouping, but BAM makes up at least a little ground in the TE world. Maybe the biggest thing that VD offers BAM is the ability to counteract some of Kaepernick's points. Other than that, it's all Butthole.
Big Edge: Buttholes
Defense:
As is stands right now, the two defenses are the Packers and the Bills, who have each let up 61 points in their last two games. Buffalo does get Jacksonville this week, but that doesn't mean what it did two months ago. I've already discussed this enough.
Slight Edge: BAM
Discussion:
Surprisingly, BAM owns the positional edge in three of the four categories. But it's that other category that will determine this matchup. I can see BAM holding a 10 point edge heading into SNF, but that's where the receiver edge truly takes hold, and I expect AJ Green to lead the Buttholes to a come-from-behind victory, and there's nothing Reap and Belfer like more than coming from behind with each other.
Verdict: Buttholes by less than 10.
Matchup 2: Esco vs. Weissbard
Quarterbacks:
I got no beef with Cam, but on Sunday Peyton's gonna cut that meat.
Edge: Weissbard
Runningbacks:
I'd put Forte and Murray pretty even for this week, and I might even rank Murray slightly higher given his recent explosions. However outside of that it's Fred Jackson and Ryan Mathews vs. Pierre Thomas. Even Weissbard would make that trade.
Edge: Esco
Wide Receivers/TE:
My only question here is how this even happened to Weissbard's receiving corps? Just no one that I would be remotely comfortable relying on in the FALAFEL Semi-Finals. I'd call the TE matchup even, but it likely won't matter.
Huge Edge: Esco
Defense:
These two defenses are surprisingly two of the best in the league, both reality and fantasy. The Chiefs remind me a lot of the Bears D last year, where they made a good Joseph team look great, but instead they're making a terrible Wessibard team look decent. If I remember correctly, the Bears failed Nick in the playoffs last year, and I have a feeling the Chiefs let you down this week, after putting up 25 last week. But that doesn't mean you don't still have the edge here over a Honey Badger-less Cards D.
Edge: Weissbard
Discussion:
We'll obviously know a lot more about this matchup after the TNF matchup. If Manning throws 4 TDs, with none to Demaryius, then I think Weiss can make a game of it. But with Welker out, I don't think that happens. Weiss gets the last player in the matchup though, so he'll be rooting for a big day from Emmanuel Sanders. Doesn't that sentence make my decision for me?
Verdict: Esco in a blowout.
Next week: the 5th Annual Stevens Bowl Preview!
Barnard - It's fitting that the first time all year that your team looked somewhat acceptable, your season immediately ends. Over the course of the season, you amassed exactly one no-doubt starter, and while Calvin is truly transcendent, he needs a supporting cast. Obviously S-Jax was injured, as were all of Brady's weapons, but I have a hard time remembering how you spent $200 on this roster. Next year you need to just watch a couple SportsCenters and remember that there are more teams in the league than the one who gets absurd game-changing PI calls in their favor every week.
Donny - Your matchup vs. Weiss was all about consistency vs. boom/bust. The good news was that you put up nearly your highest point total of the season, despite getting jack shit from 3 of your starters and your DST. The bad news is that Weiss had one of his good weeks, and in his good weeks, he's nearly unbeatable. Regardless, you had a nice bounce-back year and got me to change the way I spell your name.
Semi-Final Preview
Matchup 1: Buttholes vs. BAM
Quarterbacks:
This was supposed to be the week that the Josh Gordon trade paid off for the Buttholes. Instead, they have to trot out Kaepernick, who has looked good as of late. Unfortunately, he's going up against the player whom he will be compared against for the rest of his career. And even more unfortunately, that player gets to feast on the G-Men.
Edge: BAM
Runningbacks:
If Peterson plays, this becomes a discussion, but right now that's looking unlikely. BAM drafted their duo and didn't trade them for WR help, for better or worse. It was for better last week, and looks to be so again this week.
Edge: BAM
Wide Receivers/TE:
The Buttholes obviously own the receiver part of this position grouping, but BAM makes up at least a little ground in the TE world. Maybe the biggest thing that VD offers BAM is the ability to counteract some of Kaepernick's points. Other than that, it's all Butthole.
Big Edge: Buttholes
Defense:
As is stands right now, the two defenses are the Packers and the Bills, who have each let up 61 points in their last two games. Buffalo does get Jacksonville this week, but that doesn't mean what it did two months ago. I've already discussed this enough.
Slight Edge: BAM
Discussion:
Surprisingly, BAM owns the positional edge in three of the four categories. But it's that other category that will determine this matchup. I can see BAM holding a 10 point edge heading into SNF, but that's where the receiver edge truly takes hold, and I expect AJ Green to lead the Buttholes to a come-from-behind victory, and there's nothing Reap and Belfer like more than coming from behind with each other.
Verdict: Buttholes by less than 10.
Matchup 2: Esco vs. Weissbard
Quarterbacks:
I got no beef with Cam, but on Sunday Peyton's gonna cut that meat.
Edge: Weissbard
Runningbacks:
I'd put Forte and Murray pretty even for this week, and I might even rank Murray slightly higher given his recent explosions. However outside of that it's Fred Jackson and Ryan Mathews vs. Pierre Thomas. Even Weissbard would make that trade.
Edge: Esco
Wide Receivers/TE:
My only question here is how this even happened to Weissbard's receiving corps? Just no one that I would be remotely comfortable relying on in the FALAFEL Semi-Finals. I'd call the TE matchup even, but it likely won't matter.
Huge Edge: Esco
Defense:
These two defenses are surprisingly two of the best in the league, both reality and fantasy. The Chiefs remind me a lot of the Bears D last year, where they made a good Joseph team look great, but instead they're making a terrible Wessibard team look decent. If I remember correctly, the Bears failed Nick in the playoffs last year, and I have a feeling the Chiefs let you down this week, after putting up 25 last week. But that doesn't mean you don't still have the edge here over a Honey Badger-less Cards D.
Edge: Weissbard
Discussion:
We'll obviously know a lot more about this matchup after the TNF matchup. If Manning throws 4 TDs, with none to Demaryius, then I think Weiss can make a game of it. But with Welker out, I don't think that happens. Weiss gets the last player in the matchup though, so he'll be rooting for a big day from Emmanuel Sanders. Doesn't that sentence make my decision for me?
Verdict: Esco in a blowout.
Next week: the 5th Annual Stevens Bowl Preview!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Week 13 CPP Rankings & Quarterfinal Preview
Typically in this space, I hand out the few remaining Consolation Prizes, unveil the final CPP Rankings, and give a preview of the first round of the playoffs. But due to the 7 teams that were eliminated last week, I just can't think of that many even marginally amusing prizes, so we're going to skip the Consolation Prizes.
Well except for one...
Kimmel - After starting the season with 6 straight losses, it appeared that you were doomed to follow your namesake down the road of disaster. But through shrewd trading (read: Trading with Weissbard) and patience, you came within a few points of making the playoffs. Congrats on a nice, if ill-fated comeback, and for that your Consolation Prize is to regain your name. We've all spent this entire season calling you Kimmel, and every time I do these rankings, I picture the actual Kimmel, but that is no more. I wouldn't blame you for keeping the team name, as that's a nice homage to our balding former league-member, but I will now be calling you Levine.
Final 2013 CPP Rankings:
1. Esco - CPP: 366.94, Last Week: 1st
2. Buttholes - CPP: 322.45, Last Week: 2nd
3. Levine - CPP: 301.53, Last Week: 3rd
4. Weissbard - CPP: 294.10, Last Week: 5th
5. Joseph - CPP: 293.12, Last Week: 6th
6. Gutman - CPP: 277.63, Last Week: 4th
7. Ajay - CPP: 269.98, Last Week: 11th
8. Kumpf - CPP: 269.84, Last Week: 7th
9. Bennett - CPP: 261.69, Last Week: 12th
10. Zacherman - CPP: 253.00, Last Week: 8th
11. Donny - CPP: 251.07, Last Week: 10th
12. BAM - CPP: 248.07, Last Week: 9th
13. Barnard - CPP: 240.70, Last Week: 13th
And the James Barnard Memorial Last Place CPP Award goes to...
14. Alan - CPP: 220.87, Last Week: 14th
Alan's FALAFEL season low of 45.9 helped him clinch an award that went to Billy last year, Bennett in 2011, Long in 2010 and Barnard himself in our inaugural 2009 season.
Quarterfinal Preview
Matchup 1: Donny vs. Weissbard
This one is ugly. With starters like Matt Ryan, Pierre Thomas, Lamar Miller, Rueben Randle, Brain Hartline and Emmanuel Sanders, this matchup just screams of mediocrity. ESPN is shockingly favoring Donny by more than 16 points, and I guess I see why. He's got plus-matchups outside of his RBs, but mostly, Weissbard's team just isn't very good. I might go a little more in depth with other matchups, but this one really isn't worth my time.
Verdict: Donny by 20+
Matchup 2: Barnard vs. BAM
Jesus, this isn't much better. There is more overall talent, but neither of these teams are really a threat to win the Chef's coat, which obviously means that we have only 2 good teams in this league. It was a weird fantasy year, but the lack of even solid teams in this league is truly...well either amazing or embarrassing, I can't decide which.
As for this matchup, ESPN has Barnard as a 1-point favorite, and looking at BAM's receivers, I can't say I disagree. With Steven Jackson Steven seemingly finding his stride, and Calvin a sure bet for 200+ yards against the Philly secondary, I like his team more now than at any other point this year. I have a feeling that this will be a relatively low-scoring matchup, but it's hard to bet against Calvin right now...at least until next week.
Verdict: Barnard by 12
The real playoffs start next week.
Well except for one...
Kimmel - After starting the season with 6 straight losses, it appeared that you were doomed to follow your namesake down the road of disaster. But through shrewd trading (read: Trading with Weissbard) and patience, you came within a few points of making the playoffs. Congrats on a nice, if ill-fated comeback, and for that your Consolation Prize is to regain your name. We've all spent this entire season calling you Kimmel, and every time I do these rankings, I picture the actual Kimmel, but that is no more. I wouldn't blame you for keeping the team name, as that's a nice homage to our balding former league-member, but I will now be calling you Levine.
Final 2013 CPP Rankings:
1. Esco - CPP: 366.94, Last Week: 1st
2. Buttholes - CPP: 322.45, Last Week: 2nd
3. Levine - CPP: 301.53, Last Week: 3rd
4. Weissbard - CPP: 294.10, Last Week: 5th
5. Joseph - CPP: 293.12, Last Week: 6th
6. Gutman - CPP: 277.63, Last Week: 4th
7. Ajay - CPP: 269.98, Last Week: 11th
8. Kumpf - CPP: 269.84, Last Week: 7th
9. Bennett - CPP: 261.69, Last Week: 12th
10. Zacherman - CPP: 253.00, Last Week: 8th
11. Donny - CPP: 251.07, Last Week: 10th
12. BAM - CPP: 248.07, Last Week: 9th
13. Barnard - CPP: 240.70, Last Week: 13th
And the James Barnard Memorial Last Place CPP Award goes to...
14. Alan - CPP: 220.87, Last Week: 14th
Alan's FALAFEL season low of 45.9 helped him clinch an award that went to Billy last year, Bennett in 2011, Long in 2010 and Barnard himself in our inaugural 2009 season.
Quarterfinal Preview
Matchup 1: Donny vs. Weissbard
This one is ugly. With starters like Matt Ryan, Pierre Thomas, Lamar Miller, Rueben Randle, Brain Hartline and Emmanuel Sanders, this matchup just screams of mediocrity. ESPN is shockingly favoring Donny by more than 16 points, and I guess I see why. He's got plus-matchups outside of his RBs, but mostly, Weissbard's team just isn't very good. I might go a little more in depth with other matchups, but this one really isn't worth my time.
Verdict: Donny by 20+
Matchup 2: Barnard vs. BAM
Jesus, this isn't much better. There is more overall talent, but neither of these teams are really a threat to win the Chef's coat, which obviously means that we have only 2 good teams in this league. It was a weird fantasy year, but the lack of even solid teams in this league is truly...well either amazing or embarrassing, I can't decide which.
As for this matchup, ESPN has Barnard as a 1-point favorite, and looking at BAM's receivers, I can't say I disagree. With Steven Jackson Steven seemingly finding his stride, and Calvin a sure bet for 200+ yards against the Philly secondary, I like his team more now than at any other point this year. I have a feeling that this will be a relatively low-scoring matchup, but it's hard to bet against Calvin right now...at least until next week.
Verdict: Barnard by 12
The real playoffs start next week.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Week 12 CPP Rankings
As we embark on the last week of the regular season, as well as Thanksgiving, this will be short, sweet, and playoff focused. Kind of like Alan.
Current Playoff Picture
1. AGD - Clinched playoffs. Clinches a bye with a win.
2. Donny - Clinched playoffs. Clinches a bye with a win.
3. Esco - Clinched playoffs. Can get a bye with a win and a Donny or AGD loss, though the points will be close with AGD.
4. BAM - Clinches playoffs with a win. Can be eliminated from the playoffs only by the NiJo rule, so if they lose, Barnard wins, and Bennett wins and maintains his points lead over them, Kimmel would replace them as the 6 seed.
5. Barnard - Same deal as BAM. He needs to root hard against Bennett because if Bennett wins and Barnard loses, the NiJo rule will definitely be enacted.
6. Kimmel - Would currently replace Bennett via the NiJo rule. But Bennett requires some discussion:
Bennett - If he wins and Barnard loses, he's in. If Bennett loses, shit gets wild, as it opens the door for literally everyone else other than Nick (and possibly Ajay), who is our first team eliminated. Which brings us too...
Consolation Prize
Joseph - While technically he's still alive based on the NiJo rule, he would need to score roughly 250 points this week to be in the running, so I think we can safely call him eliminated. It's been a rough year for our Commish, who dealt with a frustrating injury to Gronk, and lackluster performances from most of the rest of his players. He also didn't draft any receivers, which was a bold strategy at the time and didn't pay off. During your offseason of reflection you should have plenty of free time, so your consolation prize will hopefully give you some new perspective on life. Enjoy Growing Up Gronk.
Week 12 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 344.41, Last Week: 1st
Week 13 Opponent: BAM
Esco needs a win to have a chance at the all-important bye, and I see no reason why he doesn't get there, even against a full-strength BAM team.
Prediction: IN - 2 Seed and a Bye
2. AGD - CPP: 316.89, Last Week: 2nd
Week 13 Opponent: Zacherman
Even with a loss, AGD should still likely get a bye, but I don't think they'll even need to worry about that.
Prediction: IN - 1 Seed and a Bye
3. Kimmel - CPP: 293.60, Last Week: 4th
Week 13 Opponent: Kumpf
As much as I'd love to play spoiler, even if I win, Kimmel is still primed to use that NiJo rule.
Prediction: IN - 6 Seed via NiJo Rule
4. Gutman - CPP: 277.53, Last Week: 3rd
Week 13 Opponent: Alan
The CPP has shown the love to its former co-creator this year, but no one fucks with Alan right now.
Prediction: OUT
5. Weissbard - CPP: 268.85, Last Week: 5th
Week 13 Opponent: Bennett
You were my pick for worst team to start the year, and there's still hope for me to be correct, by record anyway. With Bennett's team well-rested, I expect a blowout here, Peyton or no Peyton.
Prediction: OUT
6. Joseph - CPP: 266.96, Last Week: 6th
Week 13 Opponent: Barnard
This is too perfect. An eliminated Nick team with no motivation other than beating Barnard so that he'll fall to the 6th seed and thus be eliminated via the rule that bears Nick's name. You can't make this stuff up.
Prediction: OUT
7. Kumpf - CPP: 248.86, Last Week: 7th
Week 13 Opponent: Kimmel
I remember just 5 short weeks ago when I was 5-2 and I thought "Wow, my team kind of sucks, but if I just win one more game then I'll probably be in the playoffs". Yeah, about that. Fucking Benny Cunningham.
Prediction: OUT
8. Zacherman - CPP: 248.66, Last Week: 10th
Week 13 Opponent: AGD
Of the bevy of 5-7 teams, Z actually has the best chance of making the playoffs. If he can beat AGD and Bennett loses, then the door is wide open for Z, who should be immune to the NiJo rule. Unfortunately, I don't think he stands a chance against the best team in our league.
Prediction: OUT
9. BAM - CPP: 245.92, Last Week: 8th
Week 13 Opponent: Esco
You are by no means a shoo-in for the playoffs, but while I think you do lose to Esco, the other things that need to happen are too unlikely for you to be eliminated.
Prediction: IN - 4 Seed
10. Donny - CPP: 245.78, Last Week: 11th
Week 13 Opponent: Ajay
As he said he would do all year, Donny is peaking at the right time, cracking the top 10 in CPP for what I believe is the first time this season. I think he loses to Ajay this week, but it won't matter.
Prediction: IN - 3 Seed
11. Ajay - CPP: 242.96, Last Week: 12th
Week 13 Opponent: Donny
This is likely a case of too little too late. As far as I can tell, your only way into the playoffs is via the NiJo rule, which you have no shot at. So you very well might be eliminated, but there is too much math there for me to figure it all out.
Prediction: OUT
12. Bennett - CPP: 239.94, Last Week: 9th
Week 13 Opponent: Weissbard
Pretty much everyone will be rooting against you this week for a change. Wait, nevermind, that's every week. I think you win, unfortunately, but the thought of you winning a playoff matchup is laughable.
Prediction: IN - 5 Seed
13. Alan - CPP: 222.94, Last Week: 13th
Week 13 Opponent: Gutman
I'm pulling for you, even after Benny Cunningham single handedly ruined my season. I think you win this week, but your only hope is to have Bennett lose and Kimmel shit the bed. I don't think either of those things happens.
Prediction: OUT
14. Barnard - CPP: 216.16, Last Week: 14th
Week 13 Opponent: Joseph
The good news is that you finally cracked 200 in CPP points, and there's a chance that you don't finish last there. The bad news is that you're set up all too well to fall to the 6th seed and then lose your playoff spot. Actually that's good news too.
Prediction: OUT
More updates to come via email after the Thursday games as well as after each round of games after that.
Happy Thanksgiving Henry.
Current Playoff Picture
1. AGD - Clinched playoffs. Clinches a bye with a win.
2. Donny - Clinched playoffs. Clinches a bye with a win.
3. Esco - Clinched playoffs. Can get a bye with a win and a Donny or AGD loss, though the points will be close with AGD.
4. BAM - Clinches playoffs with a win. Can be eliminated from the playoffs only by the NiJo rule, so if they lose, Barnard wins, and Bennett wins and maintains his points lead over them, Kimmel would replace them as the 6 seed.
5. Barnard - Same deal as BAM. He needs to root hard against Bennett because if Bennett wins and Barnard loses, the NiJo rule will definitely be enacted.
6. Kimmel - Would currently replace Bennett via the NiJo rule. But Bennett requires some discussion:
Bennett - If he wins and Barnard loses, he's in. If Bennett loses, shit gets wild, as it opens the door for literally everyone else other than Nick (and possibly Ajay), who is our first team eliminated. Which brings us too...
Consolation Prize
Joseph - While technically he's still alive based on the NiJo rule, he would need to score roughly 250 points this week to be in the running, so I think we can safely call him eliminated. It's been a rough year for our Commish, who dealt with a frustrating injury to Gronk, and lackluster performances from most of the rest of his players. He also didn't draft any receivers, which was a bold strategy at the time and didn't pay off. During your offseason of reflection you should have plenty of free time, so your consolation prize will hopefully give you some new perspective on life. Enjoy Growing Up Gronk.
Week 12 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 344.41, Last Week: 1st
Week 13 Opponent: BAM
Esco needs a win to have a chance at the all-important bye, and I see no reason why he doesn't get there, even against a full-strength BAM team.
Prediction: IN - 2 Seed and a Bye
2. AGD - CPP: 316.89, Last Week: 2nd
Week 13 Opponent: Zacherman
Even with a loss, AGD should still likely get a bye, but I don't think they'll even need to worry about that.
Prediction: IN - 1 Seed and a Bye
3. Kimmel - CPP: 293.60, Last Week: 4th
Week 13 Opponent: Kumpf
As much as I'd love to play spoiler, even if I win, Kimmel is still primed to use that NiJo rule.
Prediction: IN - 6 Seed via NiJo Rule
4. Gutman - CPP: 277.53, Last Week: 3rd
Week 13 Opponent: Alan
The CPP has shown the love to its former co-creator this year, but no one fucks with Alan right now.
Prediction: OUT
5. Weissbard - CPP: 268.85, Last Week: 5th
Week 13 Opponent: Bennett
You were my pick for worst team to start the year, and there's still hope for me to be correct, by record anyway. With Bennett's team well-rested, I expect a blowout here, Peyton or no Peyton.
Prediction: OUT
6. Joseph - CPP: 266.96, Last Week: 6th
Week 13 Opponent: Barnard
This is too perfect. An eliminated Nick team with no motivation other than beating Barnard so that he'll fall to the 6th seed and thus be eliminated via the rule that bears Nick's name. You can't make this stuff up.
Prediction: OUT
7. Kumpf - CPP: 248.86, Last Week: 7th
Week 13 Opponent: Kimmel
I remember just 5 short weeks ago when I was 5-2 and I thought "Wow, my team kind of sucks, but if I just win one more game then I'll probably be in the playoffs". Yeah, about that. Fucking Benny Cunningham.
Prediction: OUT
8. Zacherman - CPP: 248.66, Last Week: 10th
Week 13 Opponent: AGD
Of the bevy of 5-7 teams, Z actually has the best chance of making the playoffs. If he can beat AGD and Bennett loses, then the door is wide open for Z, who should be immune to the NiJo rule. Unfortunately, I don't think he stands a chance against the best team in our league.
Prediction: OUT
9. BAM - CPP: 245.92, Last Week: 8th
Week 13 Opponent: Esco
You are by no means a shoo-in for the playoffs, but while I think you do lose to Esco, the other things that need to happen are too unlikely for you to be eliminated.
Prediction: IN - 4 Seed
10. Donny - CPP: 245.78, Last Week: 11th
Week 13 Opponent: Ajay
As he said he would do all year, Donny is peaking at the right time, cracking the top 10 in CPP for what I believe is the first time this season. I think he loses to Ajay this week, but it won't matter.
Prediction: IN - 3 Seed
11. Ajay - CPP: 242.96, Last Week: 12th
Week 13 Opponent: Donny
This is likely a case of too little too late. As far as I can tell, your only way into the playoffs is via the NiJo rule, which you have no shot at. So you very well might be eliminated, but there is too much math there for me to figure it all out.
Prediction: OUT
12. Bennett - CPP: 239.94, Last Week: 9th
Week 13 Opponent: Weissbard
Pretty much everyone will be rooting against you this week for a change. Wait, nevermind, that's every week. I think you win, unfortunately, but the thought of you winning a playoff matchup is laughable.
Prediction: IN - 5 Seed
13. Alan - CPP: 222.94, Last Week: 13th
Week 13 Opponent: Gutman
I'm pulling for you, even after Benny Cunningham single handedly ruined my season. I think you win this week, but your only hope is to have Bennett lose and Kimmel shit the bed. I don't think either of those things happens.
Prediction: OUT
14. Barnard - CPP: 216.16, Last Week: 14th
Week 13 Opponent: Joseph
The good news is that you finally cracked 200 in CPP points, and there's a chance that you don't finish last there. The bad news is that you're set up all too well to fall to the 6th seed and then lose your playoff spot. Actually that's good news too.
Prediction: OUT
More updates to come via email after the Thursday games as well as after each round of games after that.
Happy Thanksgiving Henry.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Week 11 CPP Rankings
For the next two weeks, AKA the rest of the regular season, these rankings will be purely devoted to the playoffs. It's quicker that way and this week I need to Barnard-proof my apartment (which mostly entails lining the walls and floors with plastic and removing all phallic shaped items) before he stops by on Saturday, and next week is Thanksgiving so I'll put out a rushed CPP on Wednesday.
Current Playoff Picture
1. Esco (first round bye)
2. AGD (first round bye)
3. Donny
4. BAM
5. Bennett
6. Weissbard*
*Replaces Barnard via NiJo rule
Week 11 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 322.63, Last Week: 1st
Week 12 Opponent: Kimmel
Week 13 Opponent: BAM
The CPP has Esco has a clear favorite, but I think we can all agree that the smart money is on AGD. Regardless, picking up Desean and F-Jax from Bennett was huge and while I think Kimmel edges him out this week, Esco should handle BAM easily in Week 13.
Prediction: IN - 2 Seed and a Bye
2. AGD - CPP: 294.26, Last Week: 2nd
Week 12 Opponent: BAM
Week 13 Opponent: Zacherman
Another team that made trades looking ahead, but they get to feast on a severely undermanned BAM team this week and likely eliminate Z next week.
Prediction: IN - 1 Seed and a Bye
3. Gutman - CPP: 274.19, Last Week: 3rd
Week 12 Opponent: Donny
Week 13 Opponent: Alan
Even with another mediocre Matty Ice performance last night, I just have a feeling that Donny beats you this week, putting you in a group of teams that will need some luck to get into the playoffs at 6-7. You'll have to beat Alan first to get there, and I don't think you have what it takes.
Prediction: OUT
4. Kimmel - CPP: 265.69, Last Week: 6th
Week 12 Opponent: Esco
Week 13 Opponent: Kumpf
As we have established, your only hope for the playoffs is via the NiJo rule. So it really doesn't matter at all who you face, just who ends up in that 6th seed. Based on my predictions, there are 3 teams that will be tied at 6-7, and all 3 have point totals outside the top 6. So if your roster performs well enough, that spot is yours. I think your trades pay off.
Prediction: IN
5. Weissbard - CPP: 262.38, Last Week: 4th
Week 12 Opponent: Zacherman
Week 13 Opponent: Bennett
I think you could have had a solid roster at some point this season, but your trades have just been complete disasters. I think you lose out and leave an opening for Kimmel to take advantage of the NiJo rule.
Prediction: OUT
6. Joseph - CPP: 258.06, Last Week: 7th
Week 12 Opponent: Ajay
Week 13 Opponent: Barnard
You need to win out, and while your team looks actually pretty good right now, I think Ajay edges you this week. That puts you out of the playoffs but with potentially the ability to knock Barnard out as well in Week 13.
Prediction: OUT
7. Kumpf - CPP 249.69:, Last Week: 5th
Week 12 Opponent: Alan
Week 13 Opponent: Kimmel
I don't really want to talk about my team, but needless to say my matchup with Alan looks to be a close one. I think it comes down to Gore making up 15 or so points on MNF, and the Skins are a great team to do that against. Kimmel will likely beat me in Week 13 as well, wrapping up my 6-game losing streak.
Prediction: OUT
8. BAM - CPP: 244.66, Last Week: 10th
Week 12 Opponent: AGD
Week 13 Opponent: Esco
Luckily they banked wins earlier in the year, because that is a rough roster right now. This week is a lost cause, and they should fall to Esco next week as well, but in a league full of mediocre records, they have risen to the top .
Prediction: IN - 5 seed
9. Bennett - CPP: 235.95, Last Week: 11th
Week 12 Opponent: Barnard
Week 13 Opponent: Weissbard
A presumed win against Barnard this week could lock up the division, and one next week could eliminate Weissbard. I'm all aboard the Bennett-train right now for no other reason than to keep seeing his absolutely amazing one-liners on the list serve.
Prediction: IN - 4 seed
10. Zacherman - CPP: 228.60, Last Week: 8th
Week 12 Opponent: Weissbard
Week 13 Opponent: AGD
Whatever hope you gain against Weiss this week will be crushed by AGD next week. This is a season full of what-ifs for Z-ball.
Prediction: OUT
11. Donny - CPP: 227.30, Last Week: 13th
Week 12 Opponent: Gutman
Week 13 Opponent: Ajay
I already called the "upset" of Gutguy this week, but I think you fall to the Brown Man to end the regular season. Won't matter though.
Prediction: IN - 3 seed
12. Ajay - CPP: 222.87, Last Week: 9th
Week 12 Opponent: Joseph
Week 13 Opponent: Donny
You need to win out to have a chance, which I think you will do. That puts you at 6-7, which is actually enough for the 6th seed. But you'll have to outscore the next team, which I don't think happens.
Prediction: OUT
13. Alan - CPP: 222.33, Last Week: 12th
Week 12 Opponent: Kumpf
Week 13 Opponent: Gutman
Same deal as Ajay, as I'm apparently buying the whole Brown is the New Black thing. I think you win out and barely edge Ajay in total points to earn the coveted 6th seed in terms of record. However, as previously stated, you will not be in the top 6 of total points, leaving the door open for Kimmel to snatch the playoff spot away from you just like it was a 69. Sorry my friend.
Prediction: OUT
14. Barnard - CPP: 188.95, Last Week: 14th
Week 12 Opponent: Bennett
Week 13 Opponent: Joseph
I have you losing your last two games, which would make the NiJo rule a moot point, but I would love to see you get a playoff spot taken from you. Unfortunately for me, you will be taking care of that yourself.
Prediction: OUT
Current Playoff Picture
1. Esco (first round bye)
2. AGD (first round bye)
3. Donny
4. BAM
5. Bennett
6. Weissbard*
*Replaces Barnard via NiJo rule
Week 11 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 322.63, Last Week: 1st
Week 12 Opponent: Kimmel
Week 13 Opponent: BAM
The CPP has Esco has a clear favorite, but I think we can all agree that the smart money is on AGD. Regardless, picking up Desean and F-Jax from Bennett was huge and while I think Kimmel edges him out this week, Esco should handle BAM easily in Week 13.
Prediction: IN - 2 Seed and a Bye
2. AGD - CPP: 294.26, Last Week: 2nd
Week 12 Opponent: BAM
Week 13 Opponent: Zacherman
Another team that made trades looking ahead, but they get to feast on a severely undermanned BAM team this week and likely eliminate Z next week.
Prediction: IN - 1 Seed and a Bye
3. Gutman - CPP: 274.19, Last Week: 3rd
Week 12 Opponent: Donny
Week 13 Opponent: Alan
Even with another mediocre Matty Ice performance last night, I just have a feeling that Donny beats you this week, putting you in a group of teams that will need some luck to get into the playoffs at 6-7. You'll have to beat Alan first to get there, and I don't think you have what it takes.
Prediction: OUT
4. Kimmel - CPP: 265.69, Last Week: 6th
Week 12 Opponent: Esco
Week 13 Opponent: Kumpf
As we have established, your only hope for the playoffs is via the NiJo rule. So it really doesn't matter at all who you face, just who ends up in that 6th seed. Based on my predictions, there are 3 teams that will be tied at 6-7, and all 3 have point totals outside the top 6. So if your roster performs well enough, that spot is yours. I think your trades pay off.
Prediction: IN
5. Weissbard - CPP: 262.38, Last Week: 4th
Week 12 Opponent: Zacherman
Week 13 Opponent: Bennett
I think you could have had a solid roster at some point this season, but your trades have just been complete disasters. I think you lose out and leave an opening for Kimmel to take advantage of the NiJo rule.
Prediction: OUT
6. Joseph - CPP: 258.06, Last Week: 7th
Week 12 Opponent: Ajay
Week 13 Opponent: Barnard
You need to win out, and while your team looks actually pretty good right now, I think Ajay edges you this week. That puts you out of the playoffs but with potentially the ability to knock Barnard out as well in Week 13.
Prediction: OUT
7. Kumpf - CPP 249.69:, Last Week: 5th
Week 12 Opponent: Alan
Week 13 Opponent: Kimmel
I don't really want to talk about my team, but needless to say my matchup with Alan looks to be a close one. I think it comes down to Gore making up 15 or so points on MNF, and the Skins are a great team to do that against. Kimmel will likely beat me in Week 13 as well, wrapping up my 6-game losing streak.
Prediction: OUT
8. BAM - CPP: 244.66, Last Week: 10th
Week 12 Opponent: AGD
Week 13 Opponent: Esco
Luckily they banked wins earlier in the year, because that is a rough roster right now. This week is a lost cause, and they should fall to Esco next week as well, but in a league full of mediocre records, they have risen to the top .
Prediction: IN - 5 seed
9. Bennett - CPP: 235.95, Last Week: 11th
Week 12 Opponent: Barnard
Week 13 Opponent: Weissbard
A presumed win against Barnard this week could lock up the division, and one next week could eliminate Weissbard. I'm all aboard the Bennett-train right now for no other reason than to keep seeing his absolutely amazing one-liners on the list serve.
Prediction: IN - 4 seed
10. Zacherman - CPP: 228.60, Last Week: 8th
Week 12 Opponent: Weissbard
Week 13 Opponent: AGD
Whatever hope you gain against Weiss this week will be crushed by AGD next week. This is a season full of what-ifs for Z-ball.
Prediction: OUT
11. Donny - CPP: 227.30, Last Week: 13th
Week 12 Opponent: Gutman
Week 13 Opponent: Ajay
I already called the "upset" of Gutguy this week, but I think you fall to the Brown Man to end the regular season. Won't matter though.
Prediction: IN - 3 seed
12. Ajay - CPP: 222.87, Last Week: 9th
Week 12 Opponent: Joseph
Week 13 Opponent: Donny
You need to win out to have a chance, which I think you will do. That puts you at 6-7, which is actually enough for the 6th seed. But you'll have to outscore the next team, which I don't think happens.
Prediction: OUT
13. Alan - CPP: 222.33, Last Week: 12th
Week 12 Opponent: Kumpf
Week 13 Opponent: Gutman
Same deal as Ajay, as I'm apparently buying the whole Brown is the New Black thing. I think you win out and barely edge Ajay in total points to earn the coveted 6th seed in terms of record. However, as previously stated, you will not be in the top 6 of total points, leaving the door open for Kimmel to snatch the playoff spot away from you just like it was a 69. Sorry my friend.
Prediction: OUT
14. Barnard - CPP: 188.95, Last Week: 14th
Week 12 Opponent: Bennett
Week 13 Opponent: Joseph
I have you losing your last two games, which would make the NiJo rule a moot point, but I would love to see you get a playoff spot taken from you. Unfortunately for me, you will be taking care of that yourself.
Prediction: OUT
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Trade Analysis 5
Kumpf
Gets:
Matthew
Stafford QB DET
Ray
Rice RB BAL
Reggie
Bush RB DET
Mike
Tolbert RB CAR
Santana
Moss WR WAS
Hakeem
Nicks WR NYG
Jordan
Reed TE WAS
Coby
Fleener TE IND
Ajay
Gets:
Jimmy
Graham TE NO
Montee
Ball RB DEN
Nick
Gets:
Chris Johnson RB TEN
Chris Johnson RB TEN
Pierre
Garcon WR WAS
Jay
Cutler QB CHI
Donny
Gets:
Matt
Ryan QB ATL
Lamar
Miller RB MIA
Daniel
Thomas RB MIA
#HotSportsTake:
Wow guess when your team is on a three game losing streak and is in danger
of missing the playoffs its time to make some serious changes. The only players
of note left on Kumpf’s team are Victor Cruz and Cecil Shorts. This is a
Florida Marlins style house cleaning … Who
could have expected this?
Most
Valuable Addition: This is a tough call between Jimmy Graham and Reggie
Bush. Both have had their injury concerns in past seasons and have already been
hampered for parts of this season. Reggie is more likely to get injured over
the course of the year but Jimmy has an ankle injury that is likely to continue
to bother him slightly for the length of the year. Because Graham has handled
this injury well for several weeks already and he’s averaging 2.4 more points
per game than Bush I’m going to say
Graham is the best player involved here but maybe I’m biased because I’m
hoping Bush gets nicked up again so I can have a great starter in Joique Bell
once more.
Potential
Starters Gained:
Considering Kumpf basically remade his
entire time I’m not going to spend too much time on him here but suffice to say
he has a lot of new starters for Week 11.
Ajay gets a massive upgrade at TE with
Graham but without Bush his Flex/RB2 options are Rashad Jennings, Trent
Richardson, and Dwayne Bowe… gross
Nick gives up most of his disappointing
haul from his Zacherman trade for a big upgrade at WR with Garcon and a minor
upgrade at RB/Flex with the Chris Johnson/Ray Rice exchange. Jordan Reed is
gone now but hopefully this will just clear up your Flex player decisions from
now on.
Ajay
Trade Grade: The combined value of Bush/Fleener is higher than Graham/Ball
because Montee has negligible value as the 3rd RB in Denver but I
still like this trade for Ajay. Fleener is at best a low TE1 and his value may
continue to decrease if this Colts offense continues its downward trend without
Reggie Wayne. Reggie Bush has already burned you once this year by missing a
game due to injury and he comes out of games with minor nicks more than almost
any other RB1 I know. The big concern here is what the hell is your Flex
strategy going to be going forward. I guess you can hope Trent Richardson or
Dwayne Bowe get their shit together but the odds of that at this point are pretty
low. However, I don’t really mind being forced to scrounge for a flex player
when you now have Jimmy on your team.
Trade
Grade: B+
Nick
Trade Grade: You called me out for not loving your last trade but I think
it’s pretty clear who was right about that. However, since you were the only
one successful in picking a terrible division, you somehow still have a really
good chance of making the playoffs. I actually really like this trade. I hate
the idea of starting Hakeem Nicks or Ray Rice at this point in the season and
Jordan Reed was just sitting there as trade bait now that Gronk is full
strength. At the worst CJ2K will be the same as Ray Rice so you only have
upside there even if it is minimal and the upgrade to Garcon from Nicks is
massive. With Bell and Andre Brown at full health the lineup you can throw out
there for the next few weeks is pretty intimidating. With Gutman, Ajay and
Barnard left on your schedule I see a very good chance for three straight wins
and potentially a playoff spot. Trade
Grade: A
Donny
Trade Grade: Donny, Donny, Donny. I really hated this trade when I first
saw it and while my opinion has softened slightly this trade still concerns
me. There is no doubt that Stafford is a
better fantasy QB than Matt Ryan right now and even if Roddy White comes back
strong from his injury he is still no Calvin Johnson. Of the four other players
moved in this deal (Tolbert/Santana/Lamar Miller/Daniel Thomas) none are
thrilling but I like Tolbert the best because at least he consistently gets
into the end zone and in the panthers games I have watched he has shown
surprising burst for such massive man. Not only are the Dolphins in the middle
of a shit storm that won’t be letting up any time soon but the two players
involved were both starting O-linemen! Tannehill was getting killed on Monday
night and the Dolphins averaged 5.1
INCHES per rush against Tampa Bay. Yes, inches.
Trade
Grade: C-
Kumpf
Trade Grade: This has to be the most turnover any FALAFEL team has
experienced in a single week, but with your team barely clinging onto a playoff
berth this is the perfect time for such a move. I think it’s easiest to
understand if we look at your before and after projected lineups.
QB:
Matt Ryan à Matt Stafford
RB1:
Chris Johnson Ã
Reggie Bush
RB2:
Lamar Miller à Ray Rice
WR1:
Victor Cruz à Victor Cruz
WR2:
Pierre Garcon Ã
Cecil Shorts/Golden Tate/Hakeem Nicks
Flex:
Cecil Shorts à Cecil Shorts/Golden
Tate/Jordan Reed
TE:
Jimmy Graham à Jordan Reed/Coby
Fleener
Victor Cruz must be looking around
wondering what the hell happened. Right away you can see huge upgrades at QB
and RB and a big drop off at TE and a smaller one at WR2. Personally I would
probably start Jordan Reed at flex and try Golden Tate this weekend before
Percy Harvin gets back to full strength then ride Cecil Shorts for the rest of
the season unless Mike Tolbert somehow takes over more carries in the Carolina
backfield. I think overall I like your team more now than I did before, even
though Jimmy is one of the few players in the league who can single-handedly
swing a fantasy week. Plus who wouldn’t get excited about the future of a team
that is completely different than it was just 24 hours ago?
Trade
Grade: A-
Week 10 CPP Rankings
I'm still exhausted from Tuesday's trade-fest, so these rankings might be less than stellar. Esco's Analysis should be the main event this week, and I'm shocked he even figured out what each team's roster would end up looking like. I think Zacherman put it best by saying that I essentially had a new draft between Weeks 10 and 11, and I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal. I'm well aware that my new team is relying a little too much on a Ray Rice resurgence, and waaaaaay too much on the Giants' passing game, but these moves will either get me to the Stevens Bowl or cause me to miss the playoffs entirely. I'm fine with that.
Playoff Preview
If the season ended today, these would be the seedings:
1. AGD (Bye)
2. Esco (Bye)
3. Donny
4. BAM
5. Weissbard
6. Kumpf
If we were not using the new divisional rules, Gutman would be in that 6 slot instead of me. Thanks for drafting me Nick!
As for the NiJo rule, as I understand it, if a top-3 total points team is not in the playoffs based on record, and the 6th seed is not in the top-6 in total points, the top-3 total points team replaces the 6th seed in the playoffs. Please correct me if I'm wrong here. Nick and I had a discussion about this, and there will definitely be some issues if, for example, the 6th seed is a top-6 scorer, but the 5th seed is not. So we need to lock down this rule before Week 13 ends.
Week 10 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 291.69, Last Week: 1st
Getting that first round bye looked a lot tougher last week than it does right now. With Donny's team in an injury-related free-fall, you should be booking your ticket to the semi-finals over the next three weeks. I'm not sure what's up with Cam, and you still have a Flex problem, but for better or worse, this is the team you're going to battle with. It could be a lot worse.
2. AGD - CPP: 286.40, Last Week: 2nd
You guys are a win away from clinching the playoffs, and I maintain that this is the best and deepest team in our league. I think you could have done well to trade one of your RBs or WRs that could easily start for other teams in this league, but if you get hit with an injury, or if Brandon Marshall goes off the deep end, then you'll look smart. As long as BAM doesn't catch fire, a first round bye should be coming your way.
3. Gutman - CPP: 261.11, Last Week: 3rd
I don't know if it's the team name, the fact that you're missing Martin and DMC, or the fact that it's you, but I really don't fear this team. You did a good job getting some value for Kaepernick, which has offset some of your injury woes, but your only hope for a playoff run hinges on V-Jax and Hilton putting up multiple TDs per game. It might work once, but it won't get you a chef coat.
4. Weissbard - CPP: 252.48, Last Week: 5th
I can only imagine how much you were freaking out when you heard the words "Peyton Manning" and "MRI" together. It's never good to rely so heavily on one player, but given your subpar draft and abysmal trades, you have no choice. You are the only Peyton-owner in any of my five leagues who is in any danger of missing the playoffs.
5. Kumpf - CPP: 248.18, Last Week: 4th
This increase in CPP points after barely breaking 50 in Week 10 is due solely to my trades. If you want to game the system, just make a ton of trades, and you'll see your team move up these rankings. As I said earlier, 11/12/13 will be a day that lives in infamy in the FALAFEL history books, it just remains to be seen if I'll be remembered as a genius or a dumbass.
6. Kimmel - CPP: 237.23, Last Week: 7th
I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm impressed with the late-season Kimmel resurgence we've seen. Everyone left you for dead at 0-6, but you kept trying where the old Kimmel would have rolled over and died. If you can somehow get to 6-7 and be in the playoff discussion, you might even see your real name in this space next year. It might be tough to get there without Rodgers, but you still have a chance.
7. Joseph - CPP: 230.16, Last Week: 11th
Even without Gronk, our Commish doubled my score last week. To make things worse, he did it with the help of Andre Brown, who I spent $12 on during the draft. I took that slap in the face personally, and decided to completely revamp my roster. Nick on the other hand, looks like he has a pretty nice roster. It only took him 10 weeks, but better late than never right?
8. Zacherman - CPP: 221.78, Last Week: 6th
The loss of Blackmon kills Z-ball, who made his trade assuming JB would be a top-10 receiver for the rest of the season. Without Blackmon, this is a very ordinary team, that is capable of big weeks when Brees and Charles explode. After an easy matchup with Barnard this week, you get Weissbard and AGD to end the season, which sounds to me like it won't include the playoffs.
9. Ajay - CPP: 220.96, Last Week: 12th
The Brown Man has had some rough luck, and he's 4th in his division while being second in scoring. By ditching Reggie for Jimmy Graham, he upgrades TE by an exponential amount, but also puts a lot of pressure on Knowshon, T-Rich and Rashad Jennings, not exactly the Dream Team. Still, it was the right move to make given his situation, and his upcoming schedule doesn't make three straight wins impossible.
10. BAM - CPP: 217.91, Last Week: 8th
I had a series of trade talks with you guys over the last month, yet you were somehow not included in 11/12/13. I'm still all ears if you want to make a trade, and honestly I don't see how you haven't yet. If you don't make a move soon to get some actual receivers on this team, you'll challenge and injury depleted Donny team for the annual "James Barnard Award for Team Everyone Wants to Play in the Playoffs".
11. Bennett - CPP: 217.17, Last Week: 13th
Fly Eagles Fly! While it can be debated whether you or Barnard is the biggest homer in the league, it can't be debated that you use your homerism to your advantage better than the Nard Dog. I personally love having Bennett in the playoff picture, because he is literally the only person in this league who I feel has no chance to ever get a chef coat. So while you're currently nipping at my heels, I can take solace in the fact that even if you edge me out for the NFC East crown, you still have certain disappointment headed your way.
12. Alan - CPP: 212.79, Last Week: 9th
Does anyone else feel like Alan has been flying under the radar all season? He trade raped Barnard, and then essentially went into hiding. Yet here he sits, a game out in the division, with a relatively healthy team and a schedule that includes Esco minus Dez, a divisional matchup against me, and then Gutman to close the season. It's not an easy slate, but I think our first champ might have some life in him yet.
13. Donny - CPP: 207.26, Last Week: 10th
Despite losing Arian and Julio for the season with injuries, all is not lost for the Don. One of the conditions of our trade was that I no longer spell his name with an "ie" at the end of it. As you'll notice, I've kept my end of the deal, so he's already a winner in my book. For those who trashed Donny for this trade, I think Matty Ice and the Dolphins' RBs gives him a better chance than Stafford and Tolbert/Jacobs. At the very least, they give him a more balanced roster for the playoffs, which he should clinch with one more win.
14. Barnard - CPP: 163.77, Last Week: 14th
I swear I don't rig these ratings so that you end up last, you seriously are terrible at fantasy football. The fact that you haven't been officially eliminated from the playoffs is the biggest slap in the face to this league since Donny won the Stevens Bowl with an autodrafted roster. You have exactly one player who is a no-doubt starter every week, even Long did better than that.
Playoff Preview
If the season ended today, these would be the seedings:
1. AGD (Bye)
2. Esco (Bye)
3. Donny
4. BAM
5. Weissbard
6. Kumpf
If we were not using the new divisional rules, Gutman would be in that 6 slot instead of me. Thanks for drafting me Nick!
As for the NiJo rule, as I understand it, if a top-3 total points team is not in the playoffs based on record, and the 6th seed is not in the top-6 in total points, the top-3 total points team replaces the 6th seed in the playoffs. Please correct me if I'm wrong here. Nick and I had a discussion about this, and there will definitely be some issues if, for example, the 6th seed is a top-6 scorer, but the 5th seed is not. So we need to lock down this rule before Week 13 ends.
Week 10 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 291.69, Last Week: 1st
Getting that first round bye looked a lot tougher last week than it does right now. With Donny's team in an injury-related free-fall, you should be booking your ticket to the semi-finals over the next three weeks. I'm not sure what's up with Cam, and you still have a Flex problem, but for better or worse, this is the team you're going to battle with. It could be a lot worse.
2. AGD - CPP: 286.40, Last Week: 2nd
You guys are a win away from clinching the playoffs, and I maintain that this is the best and deepest team in our league. I think you could have done well to trade one of your RBs or WRs that could easily start for other teams in this league, but if you get hit with an injury, or if Brandon Marshall goes off the deep end, then you'll look smart. As long as BAM doesn't catch fire, a first round bye should be coming your way.
3. Gutman - CPP: 261.11, Last Week: 3rd
I don't know if it's the team name, the fact that you're missing Martin and DMC, or the fact that it's you, but I really don't fear this team. You did a good job getting some value for Kaepernick, which has offset some of your injury woes, but your only hope for a playoff run hinges on V-Jax and Hilton putting up multiple TDs per game. It might work once, but it won't get you a chef coat.
4. Weissbard - CPP: 252.48, Last Week: 5th
I can only imagine how much you were freaking out when you heard the words "Peyton Manning" and "MRI" together. It's never good to rely so heavily on one player, but given your subpar draft and abysmal trades, you have no choice. You are the only Peyton-owner in any of my five leagues who is in any danger of missing the playoffs.
5. Kumpf - CPP: 248.18, Last Week: 4th
This increase in CPP points after barely breaking 50 in Week 10 is due solely to my trades. If you want to game the system, just make a ton of trades, and you'll see your team move up these rankings. As I said earlier, 11/12/13 will be a day that lives in infamy in the FALAFEL history books, it just remains to be seen if I'll be remembered as a genius or a dumbass.
6. Kimmel - CPP: 237.23, Last Week: 7th
I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm impressed with the late-season Kimmel resurgence we've seen. Everyone left you for dead at 0-6, but you kept trying where the old Kimmel would have rolled over and died. If you can somehow get to 6-7 and be in the playoff discussion, you might even see your real name in this space next year. It might be tough to get there without Rodgers, but you still have a chance.
7. Joseph - CPP: 230.16, Last Week: 11th
Even without Gronk, our Commish doubled my score last week. To make things worse, he did it with the help of Andre Brown, who I spent $12 on during the draft. I took that slap in the face personally, and decided to completely revamp my roster. Nick on the other hand, looks like he has a pretty nice roster. It only took him 10 weeks, but better late than never right?
8. Zacherman - CPP: 221.78, Last Week: 6th
The loss of Blackmon kills Z-ball, who made his trade assuming JB would be a top-10 receiver for the rest of the season. Without Blackmon, this is a very ordinary team, that is capable of big weeks when Brees and Charles explode. After an easy matchup with Barnard this week, you get Weissbard and AGD to end the season, which sounds to me like it won't include the playoffs.
9. Ajay - CPP: 220.96, Last Week: 12th
The Brown Man has had some rough luck, and he's 4th in his division while being second in scoring. By ditching Reggie for Jimmy Graham, he upgrades TE by an exponential amount, but also puts a lot of pressure on Knowshon, T-Rich and Rashad Jennings, not exactly the Dream Team. Still, it was the right move to make given his situation, and his upcoming schedule doesn't make three straight wins impossible.
10. BAM - CPP: 217.91, Last Week: 8th
I had a series of trade talks with you guys over the last month, yet you were somehow not included in 11/12/13. I'm still all ears if you want to make a trade, and honestly I don't see how you haven't yet. If you don't make a move soon to get some actual receivers on this team, you'll challenge and injury depleted Donny team for the annual "James Barnard Award for Team Everyone Wants to Play in the Playoffs".
11. Bennett - CPP: 217.17, Last Week: 13th
Fly Eagles Fly! While it can be debated whether you or Barnard is the biggest homer in the league, it can't be debated that you use your homerism to your advantage better than the Nard Dog. I personally love having Bennett in the playoff picture, because he is literally the only person in this league who I feel has no chance to ever get a chef coat. So while you're currently nipping at my heels, I can take solace in the fact that even if you edge me out for the NFC East crown, you still have certain disappointment headed your way.
12. Alan - CPP: 212.79, Last Week: 9th
Does anyone else feel like Alan has been flying under the radar all season? He trade raped Barnard, and then essentially went into hiding. Yet here he sits, a game out in the division, with a relatively healthy team and a schedule that includes Esco minus Dez, a divisional matchup against me, and then Gutman to close the season. It's not an easy slate, but I think our first champ might have some life in him yet.
13. Donny - CPP: 207.26, Last Week: 10th
Despite losing Arian and Julio for the season with injuries, all is not lost for the Don. One of the conditions of our trade was that I no longer spell his name with an "ie" at the end of it. As you'll notice, I've kept my end of the deal, so he's already a winner in my book. For those who trashed Donny for this trade, I think Matty Ice and the Dolphins' RBs gives him a better chance than Stafford and Tolbert/Jacobs. At the very least, they give him a more balanced roster for the playoffs, which he should clinch with one more win.
14. Barnard - CPP: 163.77, Last Week: 14th
I swear I don't rig these ratings so that you end up last, you seriously are terrible at fantasy football. The fact that you haven't been officially eliminated from the playoffs is the biggest slap in the face to this league since Donny won the Stevens Bowl with an autodrafted roster. You have exactly one player who is a no-doubt starter every week, even Long did better than that.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Week 9 CPP Rankings
I'm off on Thursday and Friday because my parents are in town, so I'll take a quick look at the division strengths, then give the rankings with no commentary. Back to the usual format next week, possibly with a Consolation Prize or two.
Division Update
Esco's Faggots
Record: 24-21
Winning Percentage: .533
Points For: 4246.6
Points Against: 3906.7
Average Matchup Score: 94.37 - 86.81
Ajay's Rugmunchers
Record: 20-16
Winning Percentage: .556
Points For: 3228.8
Points Against: 3201.2
Average Matchup Score: 89.69 - 88.92
Can't Believe Bennett's In 1st
Record: 19-26
Winning Percentage: .422
Points For: 4006.5
Points Against: 4374.2
Average Matchup Score: 89.03 - 97.20
These are more just random facts than anything else, though it is interesting that a team playing against Esco's division scores over 10 points less per game than a team playing against Nick's division. I think Joseph may have spread his disease to the rest of the division, which was likely his plan all along. Ajay's division is exceptionally mediocre and I have literally nothing to say about it.
Another random bit of information, if the playoffs started today, these would be the seedings:
1. Donnie (Bye)
2. AGD (Bye)
3. Kumpf
4. Esco
5. BAM
6. Gutman
If we were not using our new division rules, these would be the seedings:
1. Donnie (Bye)
2. AGD (Bye)
3. Esco
4. BAM
5. Gutman
6. Kumpf
So the only differences are the first round matchups, so far. Also, Weissbard would be eligible for the NiJo rule, as he is currently a top 3 scorer, but none of the playoff teams other than Donnie fall outside the top 6, keeping Weiss out unless Donnie collapses, or Barnard somehow becomes the 6 seed.
Week 9 CPP Rankings:
1. Esco - CPP: 269.56, Last Week - 1st
2. AGD - CPP: 265.82, Last Week - 2nd
3. Gutman - CPP: 258.90, Last Week - 3rd
4. Kumpf - CPP: 242.91, Last Week - 5th
5. Weissbard - CPP: 238.72, Last Week - 4th
6. Zacherman - CPP: 214.96, Last Week - 6th
7. Kimmel - CPP: 211.97, Last Week - 7th
8. BAM - CPP: 211.65, Last Week - 8th
9. Alan - CPP: 208.21, Last Week - 10th
10. Donnie - CPP: 200.15, Last Week - 11th
11. Joseph - CPP: 197.32, Last Week - 9th
12. Ajay - CPP: 197.14, Last Week - 12th
13. Bennett - CPP: 185.96, Last Week - 13th
14. Barnard - CPP: 160.29, Last Week - 14th
Division Update
Esco's Faggots
Record: 24-21
Winning Percentage: .533
Points For: 4246.6
Points Against: 3906.7
Average Matchup Score: 94.37 - 86.81
Ajay's Rugmunchers
Record: 20-16
Winning Percentage: .556
Points For: 3228.8
Points Against: 3201.2
Average Matchup Score: 89.69 - 88.92
Can't Believe Bennett's In 1st
Record: 19-26
Winning Percentage: .422
Points For: 4006.5
Points Against: 4374.2
Average Matchup Score: 89.03 - 97.20
These are more just random facts than anything else, though it is interesting that a team playing against Esco's division scores over 10 points less per game than a team playing against Nick's division. I think Joseph may have spread his disease to the rest of the division, which was likely his plan all along. Ajay's division is exceptionally mediocre and I have literally nothing to say about it.
Another random bit of information, if the playoffs started today, these would be the seedings:
1. Donnie (Bye)
2. AGD (Bye)
3. Kumpf
4. Esco
5. BAM
6. Gutman
If we were not using our new division rules, these would be the seedings:
1. Donnie (Bye)
2. AGD (Bye)
3. Esco
4. BAM
5. Gutman
6. Kumpf
So the only differences are the first round matchups, so far. Also, Weissbard would be eligible for the NiJo rule, as he is currently a top 3 scorer, but none of the playoff teams other than Donnie fall outside the top 6, keeping Weiss out unless Donnie collapses, or Barnard somehow becomes the 6 seed.
Week 9 CPP Rankings:
1. Esco - CPP: 269.56, Last Week - 1st
2. AGD - CPP: 265.82, Last Week - 2nd
3. Gutman - CPP: 258.90, Last Week - 3rd
4. Kumpf - CPP: 242.91, Last Week - 5th
5. Weissbard - CPP: 238.72, Last Week - 4th
6. Zacherman - CPP: 214.96, Last Week - 6th
7. Kimmel - CPP: 211.97, Last Week - 7th
8. BAM - CPP: 211.65, Last Week - 8th
9. Alan - CPP: 208.21, Last Week - 10th
10. Donnie - CPP: 200.15, Last Week - 11th
11. Joseph - CPP: 197.32, Last Week - 9th
12. Ajay - CPP: 197.14, Last Week - 12th
13. Bennett - CPP: 185.96, Last Week - 13th
14. Barnard - CPP: 160.29, Last Week - 14th
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Week 8 CPP Rankings
Last week was extremely ugly for most teams. To beat the average team in our league, you would only have to put up 87 points, which I assume is an all-time low. Between byes and injuries, no one is really separating themselves at the top, and only Joseph looks to definitely be eliminated.
This is as good a time as any to check in with the CPP metrics that go into this beloved rankings, and see who is standing out in each particular area.
Adjusted Points Per Game
This metric is simple, it takes your total points, removes your best and worst weeks, and averages it per game.
Best: Esco is 5 points better than AGD here at 107 APPG. No one else is over 100.
Worst: Barnard brings up the rear here at under 78 APPG. Nick is only slightly above him and no one else is under 80.
Difference Between Actual And Optimal Lineup Per Game
I don't have a great nickname or acronym for this one, but it's pretty self-explanatory.
Best: Kimmel is far and away the best here at under 9 points left on his bench per game, though that might have more to do with his terrible bench than anything else. No one else is under 10.
Worst: Weissbard is over 17, Barnard and BAM are in the 16's and Gutman is over 15. Lot's of terrible decisions there stemming from Weissbard's RBs, Barnard's unfounded loyalty to Brady, BAM's general confusion and Gutman's goofiness. All other teams are in the 11-12 range.
Injury Luck
Weighted total of average points lost by injured players for up to 4 games. The CPP Rankings do not punish you for injuries, so the Best teams below have had the best luck, but do not get the CPP-Injury boost that the Worst teams below do.
Best: AGD, Esco and Kumpf have all lost no starters to injuries this year. Two of them are dominant teams, which makes sense. The other is me, which is terrifying.
Worst: Barnard and Bennett stand at the top here. Barnard has had the Steven Jackson fiasco complicated by his trade for David Wilson, while Bennett has dealt with Vereen, Roddy and the Buffalo RB clusterfuck.
Transactions
Some would argue that simply adding or trading players does not necessarily correlate with fantasy success. But Cortese did win this league in college by making over 100 moves in a season, and while most of them were completely senseless, he still won. I would argue that making moves shows that you pay attention and plan ahead, and even terrible trades are more fun than no trades at all.
Best: I have the most acquisitions with 27, with Esco and Joseph both over 20 as well. Weissbard is the only team with 3 trades, though Gutman and Joseph have 2 each.
Worst: Bennett has decided that his hot start to the season warranted only 6 roster moves total, which has a lot to do with his current situation. AGD, Donnie and BAM have also made no trades, which makes me think that it's difficult to get multiple owners to agree to a trade, or to get a non-movie quote response from Donnie.
Weekly Ranking Points
Each week, teams are ranked 1-14 based on the points they score. That weekly score is then added together for this metric of overall consistency.
1. Esco - 85
2. AGD - 74
3. Gutman - 69
4. Weissbard - 67
5. Zacherman - 67
6. Kimmel - 65
7. Kumpf - 61
8. Donnie - 56
9. BAM - 55
10. Alan - 51
11. Ajay - 50
12. Bennett - 49
13. Joseph - 46
14. Barnard - 45
Schedule-Independent Wins
These are wins that are awarded for finishing in the top-7 in a given week. It takes scheduling out of the equation and acts like Victory Points, for those who have played that way before.
6 Wins - AGD, Esco, Gutman
5 Wins - BAM, Weissbard
4 Wins - Alan, Joseph, Kimmel, Kumpf, Zacherman
3 Wins - Ajay, Donnie
2 Wins - Barnard, Bennett
As you can see, some teams have gotten extremely lucky or unlucky thanks to the scheduling Gods.
Lucky - Donnie (+3 wins), Barnard (+2 wins)
Unlucky - Joseph (-3 wins), Kimmel (-2 wins), Gutman (-2 wins)
Week 8 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 271.62, Last Week: 1st
2. AGD - CPP: 241.49, Last Week: 3rd
3. Gutman - CPP: 234.88, Last Week: 5th
4. Weissbard - CPP: 229.86, Last Week: 2nd
5. Kumpf - CPP: 216.58, Last Week: 4th
6. Zacherman - CPP: 210.13, Last Week: 7th
7. Kimmel - CPP: 209.83, Last Week: 9th
8. BAM - CPP: 206.24, Last Week: 6th
9. Joseph - CPP: 189.22, Last Week: 8th
10. Alan - CPP: 182.48, Last Week: 11th
11. Donnie - CPP: 177.80, Last Week: 12th
12. Ajay - CPP: 174.79, Last Week: 10th
13. Bennett - CPP: 157.05, Last Week: 13th
14. Barnard - CPP: 152.31, Last Week: 14th
This is as good a time as any to check in with the CPP metrics that go into this beloved rankings, and see who is standing out in each particular area.
Adjusted Points Per Game
This metric is simple, it takes your total points, removes your best and worst weeks, and averages it per game.
Best: Esco is 5 points better than AGD here at 107 APPG. No one else is over 100.
Worst: Barnard brings up the rear here at under 78 APPG. Nick is only slightly above him and no one else is under 80.
Difference Between Actual And Optimal Lineup Per Game
I don't have a great nickname or acronym for this one, but it's pretty self-explanatory.
Best: Kimmel is far and away the best here at under 9 points left on his bench per game, though that might have more to do with his terrible bench than anything else. No one else is under 10.
Worst: Weissbard is over 17, Barnard and BAM are in the 16's and Gutman is over 15. Lot's of terrible decisions there stemming from Weissbard's RBs, Barnard's unfounded loyalty to Brady, BAM's general confusion and Gutman's goofiness. All other teams are in the 11-12 range.
Injury Luck
Weighted total of average points lost by injured players for up to 4 games. The CPP Rankings do not punish you for injuries, so the Best teams below have had the best luck, but do not get the CPP-Injury boost that the Worst teams below do.
Best: AGD, Esco and Kumpf have all lost no starters to injuries this year. Two of them are dominant teams, which makes sense. The other is me, which is terrifying.
Worst: Barnard and Bennett stand at the top here. Barnard has had the Steven Jackson fiasco complicated by his trade for David Wilson, while Bennett has dealt with Vereen, Roddy and the Buffalo RB clusterfuck.
Transactions
Some would argue that simply adding or trading players does not necessarily correlate with fantasy success. But Cortese did win this league in college by making over 100 moves in a season, and while most of them were completely senseless, he still won. I would argue that making moves shows that you pay attention and plan ahead, and even terrible trades are more fun than no trades at all.
Best: I have the most acquisitions with 27, with Esco and Joseph both over 20 as well. Weissbard is the only team with 3 trades, though Gutman and Joseph have 2 each.
Worst: Bennett has decided that his hot start to the season warranted only 6 roster moves total, which has a lot to do with his current situation. AGD, Donnie and BAM have also made no trades, which makes me think that it's difficult to get multiple owners to agree to a trade, or to get a non-movie quote response from Donnie.
Weekly Ranking Points
Each week, teams are ranked 1-14 based on the points they score. That weekly score is then added together for this metric of overall consistency.
1. Esco - 85
2. AGD - 74
3. Gutman - 69
4. Weissbard - 67
5. Zacherman - 67
6. Kimmel - 65
7. Kumpf - 61
8. Donnie - 56
9. BAM - 55
10. Alan - 51
11. Ajay - 50
12. Bennett - 49
13. Joseph - 46
14. Barnard - 45
Schedule-Independent Wins
These are wins that are awarded for finishing in the top-7 in a given week. It takes scheduling out of the equation and acts like Victory Points, for those who have played that way before.
6 Wins - AGD, Esco, Gutman
5 Wins - BAM, Weissbard
4 Wins - Alan, Joseph, Kimmel, Kumpf, Zacherman
3 Wins - Ajay, Donnie
2 Wins - Barnard, Bennett
As you can see, some teams have gotten extremely lucky or unlucky thanks to the scheduling Gods.
Lucky - Donnie (+3 wins), Barnard (+2 wins)
Unlucky - Joseph (-3 wins), Kimmel (-2 wins), Gutman (-2 wins)
Week 8 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 271.62, Last Week: 1st
2. AGD - CPP: 241.49, Last Week: 3rd
3. Gutman - CPP: 234.88, Last Week: 5th
4. Weissbard - CPP: 229.86, Last Week: 2nd
5. Kumpf - CPP: 216.58, Last Week: 4th
6. Zacherman - CPP: 210.13, Last Week: 7th
7. Kimmel - CPP: 209.83, Last Week: 9th
8. BAM - CPP: 206.24, Last Week: 6th
9. Joseph - CPP: 189.22, Last Week: 8th
10. Alan - CPP: 182.48, Last Week: 11th
11. Donnie - CPP: 177.80, Last Week: 12th
12. Ajay - CPP: 174.79, Last Week: 10th
13. Bennett - CPP: 157.05, Last Week: 13th
14. Barnard - CPP: 152.31, Last Week: 14th
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Week 7 CPP Rankings
This year has been filled with trades already, so this column isn't is vital as it has been in years past. But that doesn't mean it's not still fun to rip everyone else's roster apart and come up with fake trades that could be win-wins. Without further ado...
2013 FALAFEL Mock Trades
Mock Trade 1:
Esco receives Rob Gronkowski and Torrey Smith
Joseph receives Demaryius Thomas
Esco will likely be able to cruise to the playoffs, so his goal should be getting his roster as perfect as possible before that time. Jordan Cameron looked amazing for a couple of weeks, but Brian Hoyer isn't walking through that door. In his place, Brandon Weeden has struggled to get value out of Cameron or Josh Gordan, and I don't think anyone considers Cameron an every-week starter at TE anymore. It's nice being able to start two WR1's every week, but it might be worth balancing your roster to start an actual WR2 with what could be the #1 TE for the rest of the season.
Nick has rebounded somewhat after a miserable start, but he still lacks weekly consistency, especially at WR. With Jordan Reed's emergence in Washington, Gronk is actually expendable. The playoffs remain a long shot, but your lineup with DT and Reed looks better than it would with Torrey and Gronk. Will pride over spending $30+ on Gronk get in the way of improving your team?
Mock Trade 2:
Kumpf receives Marshawn Lynch, Robert Turbin, and Donnie Avery
BAM receives Pierre Garcon, Lamar Miller and Daniel Thomas
There is no question that outside of a potentially healthy Jimmy Graham, my team lacks consistent star power, especially at RB. BAM has a ton of star power at RB, but really nothing else other than Vernon. A trade like this would raise the ceiling of my team during weeks where my solid but not spectacular starters don't perform well, and it would give greater balance to a BAM team that can't assume its receivers will put up more than 5 points each.
Mock Trade 3:
Ajay receives Colin Kaepernick, Stevan Ridley and T.Y. Hilton
Gutman receives Reggie Bush, Dwayne Bowe and Terrelle Pryor
Ajay isn't out of it yet, but he still needs to dig out of his rough start. Complicating things is the fact that he is using three roster spots on QBs, another three on Denver RBs, and one more on an injured Randall Cobb. Roster flexibility is a premium in our league, and no one is at a bigger disadvantage there right now than our defending champ. Assuming the Philly QB situation works itself out soon, a Kaepernick and Eagles QB combo is more than enough to get the job done. And while the downgrade from Reggie to Ridley looks big based on current points, I'd wager that they end up similar for the rest of the season.
Gutman is on the up-and-up, but he's dealing with some mediocre starting RBs. Bush has been a no-doubt RB1 so far, and will slide in nicely next to Muscle Hamster and DMC. It will hurt to lose the big-game ability of Hilton, but buying low on Bowe might not be the worst thing. At first glance, I'm aware that this looks one-sided for Gutman, but Ajay's roster as presently constructed has roughly zero chance of making the playoffs.
Mock Trade 4:
Barnard receives Jacquizz Rodgers
Weissbard receives Greg Jennings
Bar none the least exciting Mock Trade goes to the two teams I dislike the most this year. Weissbard inexplicably gave up actual assets for Quizz right before Steven Jackson Steven was due back from injury. Only one team should value Rodgers, and that's Barnard. It's not too late to capitalize on this, because Jackson has been a royal pain in the ass in terms of his return from injury. Make up for your idiotic move last week by gaining some WR depth.
Barnard is essentially dealing with yet another lost season. He's like the Bucs of our league. Some middling success in prior years, a coach that literally everyone hates, some weird infections, and no real hope for a title in the near-term. Jennings wasn't a terrible draft pick at the time, but he certainly isn't going to start over Calvin or Wallace. Get yourself some actual Jackson insurance, and some penicillin.
Mock Trade 5:
Donnie receives Josh Gordon and Ben Tate
AGD receives Alfred Morris and Percy Harvin
Donnie is likely going to make the playoffs, but this past week wasn't a good sign for his franchise RBs. Foster getting yet another hamstring injury, and Morris losing 3 rushing TDs to Helu can't make the Don feel comfortable moving forward. Unfortunately for him, both of his handcuffs are owned by AGD, because of course they're into kinky shit like that. Assuming the Jacobs/Tolbert big man special is a usable RB2 combo while Foster is out, you can use Alf to upgrade your receivers and grab Tate. Once Foster is healthy, a Texans RB isn't terrible every week.
Pre-Foster injury, AGD would have likely had to give up Welker or Marshall to get Morris. But considering they could easily just plug Tate in as their RB2 right now, they should aim higher. A lineup with AP/Alf at RB, along with your stud receivers and either Rams RB X or Harvin at flex would look pretty unstoppable.
Mock Trade 6:
Alan receives Maurice Jones-Drew
Kimmel receives Danny Amendola
Neither of these teams is going anywhere this year, though Alan obviously has the better chance. And because he has the better chance, there is no way in hell he should be starting Leonard Hankerson or having an out-for-the-season Da'Rel Scott on his bench. MJD has been terrible this year, but he at least adds some respectability to a Masand team that, outside of trade-raping Barnard, has been a mess. Kimmel needs a miracle to make the playoffs, so he might as well go for the gold and hope that Amendola can return an put up 14-catch days in the fully healthy Pats offense. It can't get any worse than it already is.
Mock Trade 7:
Zacherman receives Bilal Powell and Roddy White
Bennett receives Andre Ellington and Rashard Mendenhall
Zacherman has subtly (for him) been making moves in the recent weeks, rattling off three straight wins before falling to Esco. After re-making his team, his only real weaknesses are choosing the correct Arizona RB to start, and figuring out his flex. This trade will at least give him the chance to choose between the correct Jets RB to start, and should solve his flex problem when Roddy gets on the field. These may be marginal improvements, but ones that could be the difference between making and missing the playoffs.
Bennett's two biggest issues this year have been injuries and the Bills. It has been impossible to choose between Spiller and Jackson on any given week, so you really have to hope that one of them gets hurt so the other will only have to split carries with Tashard Choice. This trade may look like it only complicates matters further, by giving you another RB duo on a shitty team to choose from, but it looks like Powell is no longer the no-doubt starter, so you need help. Best case, Spiller and Ellington emerge as legit starters, Vereen gets healthy and fills your flex, and other than QB, your team looks solid again.
Week 7 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 244.15, Last Week: 3rd
2. Weissbard - CPP: 232.13, Last Week: 2nd
3. AGD - CPP: 214.09, Last Week: 1st
4. Kumpf - CPP: 210.03, Last Week: 4th
5. Gutman - CPP: 209.68, Last Week: 5th
6. BAM - CPP: 204.83, Last Week: 7th
7. Zacherman - CPP: 186.23, Last Week: 6th
8. Joseph - CPP: 185.61, Last Week: 9th
9. Kimmel - CPP: 183.60, Last Week: 10th
10. Ajay - CPP: 175.14, Last Week: 8th
11. Alan - CPP: 162.49, Last Week: 14th
12. Donnie - CPP: 154.32, Last Week: 12th
13. Bennett - CPP: 152.81, Last Week: 11th
14. Barnard - CPP: 150.23, Last Week: 13th
2013 FALAFEL Mock Trades
Mock Trade 1:
Esco receives Rob Gronkowski and Torrey Smith
Joseph receives Demaryius Thomas
Esco will likely be able to cruise to the playoffs, so his goal should be getting his roster as perfect as possible before that time. Jordan Cameron looked amazing for a couple of weeks, but Brian Hoyer isn't walking through that door. In his place, Brandon Weeden has struggled to get value out of Cameron or Josh Gordan, and I don't think anyone considers Cameron an every-week starter at TE anymore. It's nice being able to start two WR1's every week, but it might be worth balancing your roster to start an actual WR2 with what could be the #1 TE for the rest of the season.
Nick has rebounded somewhat after a miserable start, but he still lacks weekly consistency, especially at WR. With Jordan Reed's emergence in Washington, Gronk is actually expendable. The playoffs remain a long shot, but your lineup with DT and Reed looks better than it would with Torrey and Gronk. Will pride over spending $30+ on Gronk get in the way of improving your team?
Mock Trade 2:
Kumpf receives Marshawn Lynch, Robert Turbin, and Donnie Avery
BAM receives Pierre Garcon, Lamar Miller and Daniel Thomas
There is no question that outside of a potentially healthy Jimmy Graham, my team lacks consistent star power, especially at RB. BAM has a ton of star power at RB, but really nothing else other than Vernon. A trade like this would raise the ceiling of my team during weeks where my solid but not spectacular starters don't perform well, and it would give greater balance to a BAM team that can't assume its receivers will put up more than 5 points each.
Mock Trade 3:
Ajay receives Colin Kaepernick, Stevan Ridley and T.Y. Hilton
Gutman receives Reggie Bush, Dwayne Bowe and Terrelle Pryor
Ajay isn't out of it yet, but he still needs to dig out of his rough start. Complicating things is the fact that he is using three roster spots on QBs, another three on Denver RBs, and one more on an injured Randall Cobb. Roster flexibility is a premium in our league, and no one is at a bigger disadvantage there right now than our defending champ. Assuming the Philly QB situation works itself out soon, a Kaepernick and Eagles QB combo is more than enough to get the job done. And while the downgrade from Reggie to Ridley looks big based on current points, I'd wager that they end up similar for the rest of the season.
Gutman is on the up-and-up, but he's dealing with some mediocre starting RBs. Bush has been a no-doubt RB1 so far, and will slide in nicely next to Muscle Hamster and DMC. It will hurt to lose the big-game ability of Hilton, but buying low on Bowe might not be the worst thing. At first glance, I'm aware that this looks one-sided for Gutman, but Ajay's roster as presently constructed has roughly zero chance of making the playoffs.
Mock Trade 4:
Barnard receives Jacquizz Rodgers
Weissbard receives Greg Jennings
Bar none the least exciting Mock Trade goes to the two teams I dislike the most this year. Weissbard inexplicably gave up actual assets for Quizz right before Steven Jackson Steven was due back from injury. Only one team should value Rodgers, and that's Barnard. It's not too late to capitalize on this, because Jackson has been a royal pain in the ass in terms of his return from injury. Make up for your idiotic move last week by gaining some WR depth.
Barnard is essentially dealing with yet another lost season. He's like the Bucs of our league. Some middling success in prior years, a coach that literally everyone hates, some weird infections, and no real hope for a title in the near-term. Jennings wasn't a terrible draft pick at the time, but he certainly isn't going to start over Calvin or Wallace. Get yourself some actual Jackson insurance, and some penicillin.
Mock Trade 5:
Donnie receives Josh Gordon and Ben Tate
AGD receives Alfred Morris and Percy Harvin
Donnie is likely going to make the playoffs, but this past week wasn't a good sign for his franchise RBs. Foster getting yet another hamstring injury, and Morris losing 3 rushing TDs to Helu can't make the Don feel comfortable moving forward. Unfortunately for him, both of his handcuffs are owned by AGD, because of course they're into kinky shit like that. Assuming the Jacobs/Tolbert big man special is a usable RB2 combo while Foster is out, you can use Alf to upgrade your receivers and grab Tate. Once Foster is healthy, a Texans RB isn't terrible every week.
Pre-Foster injury, AGD would have likely had to give up Welker or Marshall to get Morris. But considering they could easily just plug Tate in as their RB2 right now, they should aim higher. A lineup with AP/Alf at RB, along with your stud receivers and either Rams RB X or Harvin at flex would look pretty unstoppable.
Mock Trade 6:
Alan receives Maurice Jones-Drew
Kimmel receives Danny Amendola
Neither of these teams is going anywhere this year, though Alan obviously has the better chance. And because he has the better chance, there is no way in hell he should be starting Leonard Hankerson or having an out-for-the-season Da'Rel Scott on his bench. MJD has been terrible this year, but he at least adds some respectability to a Masand team that, outside of trade-raping Barnard, has been a mess. Kimmel needs a miracle to make the playoffs, so he might as well go for the gold and hope that Amendola can return an put up 14-catch days in the fully healthy Pats offense. It can't get any worse than it already is.
Mock Trade 7:
Zacherman receives Bilal Powell and Roddy White
Bennett receives Andre Ellington and Rashard Mendenhall
Zacherman has subtly (for him) been making moves in the recent weeks, rattling off three straight wins before falling to Esco. After re-making his team, his only real weaknesses are choosing the correct Arizona RB to start, and figuring out his flex. This trade will at least give him the chance to choose between the correct Jets RB to start, and should solve his flex problem when Roddy gets on the field. These may be marginal improvements, but ones that could be the difference between making and missing the playoffs.
Bennett's two biggest issues this year have been injuries and the Bills. It has been impossible to choose between Spiller and Jackson on any given week, so you really have to hope that one of them gets hurt so the other will only have to split carries with Tashard Choice. This trade may look like it only complicates matters further, by giving you another RB duo on a shitty team to choose from, but it looks like Powell is no longer the no-doubt starter, so you need help. Best case, Spiller and Ellington emerge as legit starters, Vereen gets healthy and fills your flex, and other than QB, your team looks solid again.
Week 7 CPP Rankings
1. Esco - CPP: 244.15, Last Week: 3rd
2. Weissbard - CPP: 232.13, Last Week: 2nd
3. AGD - CPP: 214.09, Last Week: 1st
4. Kumpf - CPP: 210.03, Last Week: 4th
5. Gutman - CPP: 209.68, Last Week: 5th
6. BAM - CPP: 204.83, Last Week: 7th
7. Zacherman - CPP: 186.23, Last Week: 6th
8. Joseph - CPP: 185.61, Last Week: 9th
9. Kimmel - CPP: 183.60, Last Week: 10th
10. Ajay - CPP: 175.14, Last Week: 8th
11. Alan - CPP: 162.49, Last Week: 14th
12. Donnie - CPP: 154.32, Last Week: 12th
13. Bennett - CPP: 152.81, Last Week: 11th
14. Barnard - CPP: 150.23, Last Week: 13th
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Trade Analysis 4
Weissbard
Gets:
Anquan
Boldin WR SF
Jacquizz
Rodgers RB ATL
Pierre
Thomas RB NO
Gutman
Gets:
Vincent
Jackson WR TB
Ajay
Gets:
Julian
Edelman WR NE
I’m going to treat this as one 3 way
trade because it’s really about Weissbard giving up assets to get startable RBs
#HotSportsTake:
Can Gutman actually win two trades in
the same year?? Our favorite trade addict must be putting all that extra time
of his to some use. Is one week of Jacquizz and Pierre really worth giving up those
WRs for Weissbard? Oh wait, Pierre is on
bye this week? Hmmm…
Most
Valuable Addition: I think Vincent
Jackson is a top 15 receiver with potential to break the top 10 by the end of
the season if Mike Glennon doesn’t completely fall apart. Everyone else in this
trade ranges from reliable flex to desperation flex with my preference for the
rest of the year being: Jackson, Edelman, Thomas, Boldin, and then Rodgers.
Potential
Starters Gained: For this week
Weissbard gets to insert Jacquizz in as a replacement for Sproles on his bye week.
He also will have to decide between Pierre, Boldin, Rob Woods, Brian Hartline
and Emmanuel Sanders for his WR2 and flex position for the rest of the year.
This is only if you assume Larry Fitzgerald will be healthy enough to be his
WR1 for the rest of the year which considering he has been questionable
basically every week this season, is a little concerning...
Ajay would never have started Pierre
over his three headed RB combo so losing him is no concern. Edelman becomes his
best bye week replacement for his WRs and maybe even a starter over Bowe if the
matchup fits.
Gutman gets an upgrade from Boldin to
Vjax every week and successfully sells high on Jacquizz right before his value
disappears.
Ajay
Trade Grade: Our defending champion gets
a much needed boost to his receiving corps after Randall Cobb fractures his
fibula, Pierre was being wasted on his bench this is a no brainer. Overall Trade Grade: A
Gutman
Trade Grade: I really like this trade
for Gutman which I can’t really believe I’m saying twice in one year. Vjax
automatically becomes his WR1 and so he has a solid trio of wide receivers
between Steve Smith, TY Hilton and Jackson. I don’t see Boldin or Rodgers as a
starting caliber player over anyone on his current roster for the rest of the
season so I see no concern in dealing them. And once McFadden gets off his bye
he also can be rotated into the RB and flex positions based on matchups and bye
weeks. Overall Trade Grade: A
Weissbard
Trade Grade: Considering the other two members involved in
this trade got As, you can assume this doesn’t bode well for Daniel. The
Edelman/Thomas trade makes sense except for the fact this week is your week of
greatest RB need and Thomas is on bye.
Also now you have both starting Saints RBs to decide between for the rest of
the year. They have yet to have a week where both of them succeeded at the same
time so do you start them both and hope for the best or just guess each week on
who is going to score the touchdowns? At least in terms of value though, this
trade is very even: Weissbard/Ajay Trade
Grade: B-
The trade with Gutman is far more
concerning. While this one makes far more sense in the short term because you
can start Jacquizz and Boldin right away this doesn’t really excite me in the
long term. Jason Snelling is now predicted to play this week for the Falcons so
Jacquizz won’t be getting any red zone carries and once Steven Jackson comes
back next week (or maybe even this week) Jacquizz becomes at best a handcuff.
So really this comes down to who do you like more over the course of the year
Vincent Jackson or Anquan Boldin. And it’s not even close, Jackson is the
better choice. Since his Week 1 explosion Anquan has averaged only 5.5 points
per week and he still has his bye coming up in week 9 while Vincent is already past his bye week
and appears to be healthy after an early season rib injury slowed him down. Weissbard/Gutman Trade Grade: C-
Overall
Trade Grade: C
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Week 6 CPP Rankings
First off, I want to thank Joseph for stepping in last week and putting together the quintessential Joseph rankings. I don't think there was one positive statement in there for any team, including his own.
I'm going to continue down the road to Negative Town this week, because as I went through each team this week while compiling the CPP, I noticed something disturbing. Every team has at least one player that has no business being rostered, even in our league. So I will be calling out those players in this week's rankings, as both a way to keep things short, and as a way to build excitement towards next week's Annual Mock Trade column.
Note that this was done on Tuesday, so today's moves were not considered.
Week 6 CPP Rankings:
1. AGD - CPP: 220.28, Last Week - 3rd
Rod Streater. You already have Marshall, Welker, Tampa Mike and the wildly FALAFEL overpaid Eddie Royal. Your roster is absurdly stacked and I consider you the Stevens Bowl favorite since Zac Stacy's emergence, but you are still wasting a roster spot.
2. Weissbard - CPP: 212.17, Last Week - 4th
Mike Goodson. I badly wanted to say Lance Dunbar, as the Joseph Randle Bidding War will live in infamy, but it's gotta be Goodson here. You realize he is the third string RB on the Jets right? Well he was, before he got hurt, which mercifully prompted you to drop him.
3. Esco - CPP: 210.90, Last Week - 1st
Sean McGrath. Honestly, I thought I went to high school with this guy. He sounds like he owns a hardware store in upstate New York, and should not be owned by any NFL team, let alone a fantasy team that gave up Garcon to get Jordan Cameron.
4. Kumpf - CPP: 209.83, Last Week - 2nd
Toby Gerhart. I can't lie, I picked him up solely because I thought AP was going to sit out and mourn the death of his son. And I feel like shit about it. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
5. Gutman - CPP: 183.44, Last Week - 7th
Jerome Simpson. It easily could have been Jeff Demps because, who? But handcuffs are more valuable in our league than most, just ask Weissbard, so it has to be the 4th target in the Christian Ponder/Matt Cassel/Josh Freeman led offense.
6. Zacherman - CPP: 183.12, Last Week - 10th
Matt Bryant. God dammit, a two-kicker team? Bryant is currently 24th in points scored among kickers, and while he might get more chances with Julio out, is he really worth holding onto during his bye? Your pledge class makes some confusing choices with their kickers.
7. BAM - CPP: 179.58, Last Week - 9th
Ted Ginn Jr. No. Just No.
8. Ajay - CPP: 171.57, Last Week - 5th
Justin Tucker. As much as it pains me to say it, I have a lot of respect for you as a fantasy athlete. Having said that, there is absolutely no reason to ever even consider owning two kickers, even if it is just for one week. Did you really think anyone else was going to pick up Tucker on his bye if you dropped him? You know better than that.
9. Joseph - CPP: 160.48, Last Week - 8th
Brian Robiskie. You probably have the best-worst-rostered player in the league, so congrats for that I guess. But Atlanta's offense is about to get really shitty, and I want no part of it. What's that? Matty Ice is my QB? Perfect.
10. Kimmel - CPP: 160.24, Last Week - 14th
Andrew Kimmel. Clearly the biggest issue with this team is its owner. I look at this roster, pre- and post-trade, and I don't see 0-6. If its not the players, its the coach. I'm not saying you should kill yourself, or even quit the league, but...well maybe I am saying those things.
11. Bennett - CPP: 156.69, Last Week - 6th
Felix Jones. When he is was 100% healthy on a solid Dallas offense, he was still un-startable. Now he's perpetually banged up on a terrible Pittsburgh offense. Get rid of him.
12. Donnie - CPP: 154.46, Last Week - 13th
Santana Moss. Another solid roster, and outside of a recently suspended Kellen Winslow, Santana has the least value here. I have to give you credit Don, your team lucked its way into a few wins to start the year, but those are in the books, and your team looks decent now. When Percy gets back, this team could have a hint of the 2010 Stevens Bowl Champion in it.
13. Barnard - CPP: 144.52, Last Week - 11th
Pats D/ST. Your consistent ownership of Michael Turner may have spurred this column idea, but your refusal to drop the 17th best fantasy defense is right in line with that. Granted the Pats get to face Geno this week, but I think you could have spared $5 of your $150 FAAB dollars to get them back. Without Wilfork, Talib and Mayo, they may not even be worth starting in Week 7.
14. Alan - CPP: 137.47, Last Week - 12th
Knile Davis. Your waiver wire moves have been baffling this year. Not asking for Leonard Hankerson in the trade with Barnard, followed by bidding $10 for him the following week. Dropping Stephen Hill for no reason, then losing him in free agency when he had value. Keeping an empty roster spot on your team for a week. But overall, you have some useful guys on your roster at this point. Davis has value as a handcuff to Jamaal Charles, but you don't own Charles. So you must just be hoping that he gets hurt.
MACH
I'm going to continue down the road to Negative Town this week, because as I went through each team this week while compiling the CPP, I noticed something disturbing. Every team has at least one player that has no business being rostered, even in our league. So I will be calling out those players in this week's rankings, as both a way to keep things short, and as a way to build excitement towards next week's Annual Mock Trade column.
Note that this was done on Tuesday, so today's moves were not considered.
Week 6 CPP Rankings:
1. AGD - CPP: 220.28, Last Week - 3rd
Rod Streater. You already have Marshall, Welker, Tampa Mike and the wildly FALAFEL overpaid Eddie Royal. Your roster is absurdly stacked and I consider you the Stevens Bowl favorite since Zac Stacy's emergence, but you are still wasting a roster spot.
2. Weissbard - CPP: 212.17, Last Week - 4th
Mike Goodson. I badly wanted to say Lance Dunbar, as the Joseph Randle Bidding War will live in infamy, but it's gotta be Goodson here. You realize he is the third string RB on the Jets right? Well he was, before he got hurt, which mercifully prompted you to drop him.
3. Esco - CPP: 210.90, Last Week - 1st
Sean McGrath. Honestly, I thought I went to high school with this guy. He sounds like he owns a hardware store in upstate New York, and should not be owned by any NFL team, let alone a fantasy team that gave up Garcon to get Jordan Cameron.
4. Kumpf - CPP: 209.83, Last Week - 2nd
Toby Gerhart. I can't lie, I picked him up solely because I thought AP was going to sit out and mourn the death of his son. And I feel like shit about it. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
5. Gutman - CPP: 183.44, Last Week - 7th
Jerome Simpson. It easily could have been Jeff Demps because, who? But handcuffs are more valuable in our league than most, just ask Weissbard, so it has to be the 4th target in the Christian Ponder/Matt Cassel/Josh Freeman led offense.
6. Zacherman - CPP: 183.12, Last Week - 10th
Matt Bryant. God dammit, a two-kicker team? Bryant is currently 24th in points scored among kickers, and while he might get more chances with Julio out, is he really worth holding onto during his bye? Your pledge class makes some confusing choices with their kickers.
7. BAM - CPP: 179.58, Last Week - 9th
Ted Ginn Jr. No. Just No.
8. Ajay - CPP: 171.57, Last Week - 5th
Justin Tucker. As much as it pains me to say it, I have a lot of respect for you as a fantasy athlete. Having said that, there is absolutely no reason to ever even consider owning two kickers, even if it is just for one week. Did you really think anyone else was going to pick up Tucker on his bye if you dropped him? You know better than that.
9. Joseph - CPP: 160.48, Last Week - 8th
Brian Robiskie. You probably have the best-worst-rostered player in the league, so congrats for that I guess. But Atlanta's offense is about to get really shitty, and I want no part of it. What's that? Matty Ice is my QB? Perfect.
10. Kimmel - CPP: 160.24, Last Week - 14th
Andrew Kimmel. Clearly the biggest issue with this team is its owner. I look at this roster, pre- and post-trade, and I don't see 0-6. If its not the players, its the coach. I'm not saying you should kill yourself, or even quit the league, but...well maybe I am saying those things.
11. Bennett - CPP: 156.69, Last Week - 6th
Felix Jones. When he is was 100% healthy on a solid Dallas offense, he was still un-startable. Now he's perpetually banged up on a terrible Pittsburgh offense. Get rid of him.
12. Donnie - CPP: 154.46, Last Week - 13th
Santana Moss. Another solid roster, and outside of a recently suspended Kellen Winslow, Santana has the least value here. I have to give you credit Don, your team lucked its way into a few wins to start the year, but those are in the books, and your team looks decent now. When Percy gets back, this team could have a hint of the 2010 Stevens Bowl Champion in it.
13. Barnard - CPP: 144.52, Last Week - 11th
Pats D/ST. Your consistent ownership of Michael Turner may have spurred this column idea, but your refusal to drop the 17th best fantasy defense is right in line with that. Granted the Pats get to face Geno this week, but I think you could have spared $5 of your $150 FAAB dollars to get them back. Without Wilfork, Talib and Mayo, they may not even be worth starting in Week 7.
14. Alan - CPP: 137.47, Last Week - 12th
Knile Davis. Your waiver wire moves have been baffling this year. Not asking for Leonard Hankerson in the trade with Barnard, followed by bidding $10 for him the following week. Dropping Stephen Hill for no reason, then losing him in free agency when he had value. Keeping an empty roster spot on your team for a week. But overall, you have some useful guys on your roster at this point. Davis has value as a handcuff to Jamaal Charles, but you don't own Charles. So you must just be hoping that he gets hurt.
Alan Masand
im hoping something happens to jamaal charles
MACH
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Week 5 CPP Rankings
This week we get our first set of guest rankings, brought to you by none other than our Commish. They have been edited for formatting, but not for spelling, capitalization, or grammer. Obviously:
1. Esco - CPP: 211.25, Last Week: 1st
How dare you give me a B in that trade with zball. Ray ray is a
champ and will lead the dingleberry nation back from the dead. More on that
later. Your teams not that good and you’ve been getting lucky. Your luck
finally caught up with you this week and I predict more losses to come
especially in week 9. No idea how you lost and your cpp shit went up. Probably
because these rankings are retarded. And I heard you’re a premature ejaculator.
If I was a fruitcake who communicated in gifs I’d post one of a Mexican eating
a bag of dicks. You’ll all just have to use your imagination.
2. Kumpf - CPP: 207.98, Last Week: 2nd
Guess how much I care about whether you think I could do better
naming my division? About as much as I care about some dumbass 4-way trade. You
need to not be starting benny agbayani’s cousin chris. Ill give you Donald
brown for cecil. And I’ll throw in 2 wings (not drumsticks) at winter meetings.
Come on bro. your team is pretty solid actually, relatively balanced. If cj2k
wasn’t such an enormous pussy you’d be better. You’re pretty weak at rb, but I
guess so are most people in this league. Big matchup against weezlebeezle this
week, if you can pick up the W with natty ice and lamar on byes you’ll be in
good shape going forward.
3. AGD - CPP: 205.25, Last Week: 3rd
After numerous rounds of trade talks with ding-tap broke down
last week, you got a nice victory over the worst franchise in falafel history.
Solid waiver pickup with Stacey. Good luck figuring out who to start between
him and Richardson for the rest of the year. I feel like you guys might be the
team whose managers weigh the least in the league even though theres two of
you. Did we ever decide to take you guys off probation?
4. Weissbard - CPP: 186.48, Last Week: 5th
Your team is actually pretty good, and usually you are pretty
bad at fantasy football. You should stop being such a bitch and sending out general
requests that people offer you trades and man up and trade for a decent rb.
You’re gonna have to overpay, just fucking do it. Try kimmel hes handing out
RBs like they’re jujubes. This might sound cray but you might wanna trade
peyton. His stock will never be higher and you could get a package of gold for
him right now. If only your roster and your general persona lived up to your
amazing team name. ya slapdick.
5. Ajay - CPP: 161.68, Last Week: 4th
I still can’t believe how fucked up you were when I found you on
the street that night. I want to meet the kids who made you rip shots and then
left you alone too plastered to get in a cab and/or stem the steady flow of
fecal leakage. I feel like I’d get along with them. Your team is decent but
you’re still brown. At least you’re not muffin. Also sick lineup decisions last
week dumbass.
6. Bennett - CPP: 159.76, Last Week: 6th
If I finish with a worse record than you I might kill myself.
Can’t believe you lost to Donnie who might be the worst 4-1 team in fantasy
history. Im really gonna fuck your life up when I go down to tampa in march. My
goal is to get you at least evicted and maybe stabbed. I wish you participated
on the listserv more so I had more opportunities to laugh at you, but I
understand why you choose not to given your profound lack of wit or valuable
insight. Cathy told me you have the tiniest dick shes ever seen. Did you know
bilal powell hails from the village where they shot “the air up there”? true
story. Your team really sucks a fat dick and will likely drop precipitously in
the standings, so enjoy being over .500 and relevant while it lasts. I’m on to
you weatherman.
7. Gutman - CPP: 155.91, Last Week: 12th
God I was so happy to see ridley be inactive after I traded him
to you. It’s really a special kind of feeling. Cant be easily simulated outside
of the fantasy context. I guess if you’re banging a chick and drop her and your
buddy starts hitting it and she gains 60 pounds that would be close, but I feel
like this is better. Don’t even care if that trade turns out in your favor, the
joy I got from ridley being out makes it worthwhile. I will say however that
the fact that you would have beaten me with just your TE, flex, d/st and kicker
mitigates my joy significantly. If rivers comes down with syphilis after
playing in Oakland it will be like chanukah came early. Loser of your/barnards
matchup this week is probably done.
8. Joseph - CPP: 155.73, Last Week: 9th
I don’t care if I’m 1-4, I’m about to rape all of you. After an
admittedly subpar draft effort where I actually forgot to bid on WRs and
literally spent half my budget on RGIII, ahmad and ridley, I basically turned
over my entire lineup last week and I think I’m ready to dominate. Espn agrees
as im favored by 37.8 against the “4-1” Donnie. I basically need to go 7-1
though, so I’m on extremely thin ice. If I somehow sneak into the playoffs
though you’re all fucked. The fantasy gods continued to torture me last week,
dangling an undeserved victory in front of me against black nutz and then
snatching it away in the form of schaub having one of the worst fantasy
performances I’ve witnessed. crazy shit can always happen when you’re playing
against the luckiest bastard in falafel history, but I feel confident going
into this matchup with my revamped lineup.
9. BAM - CPP: 150.72, Last Week: 7th
You guys are almost as lucky as Donnie to be 4-1. Looking at
your lineup it seems like it should be one of the better teams in the league,
but its just been under achieving. I have to be honest, I’m rooting against you
guys all year because I’d rather see you two dress up like women than
reap/belfer, especially since it would be only a mild deviation from normal for
reap. Your RBs are dirty and you have better depth than most, I’d say if you
could trade for an upgrade at QB without giving up one of your two starting RBs
you’d be a real contender. However, given how unintelligible your responses
were to my trade overtures recently, I’d tend to doubt your ability to do so.
Marshall please stay active on the listserv, your emails are one of only a
handful of things related to fantasy or real football that aren’t a source of
misery for me these days.
10. Zacherman - CPP: 148.88, Last Week: 11th
boy did I feel better about our trade after everyone’s
performance this past week. Although I kind of wish I hadn’t thrown in harry
douglas now that julios dead. Just the fact that I didn’t have to wait until
yesterday at noon to see schaub removed from my team made it worthwhile. I
think it helped both of us though, jamal is a straight up g and you have the
depth to take the hit at WR. By the way, can we can an update on kimmel (the
real kimmel)? I’m assuming you’re still in contact with your former butt buddy.
Is he alive? Does he have any thoughts or feelings on being unceremoniously
booted for steve Levine? Also I think if you lose to new kimmel this week you
should be kicked out of the league.
11. Barnard - CPP: 147.21, Last Week: 8th
You really need to stop writing those stupid fucking awards emails.
I never knew someone could try so hard to be funny and still fail so miserably.
I have about as much respect for you as the average dude in the espn cafeteria
has for john brenkus. To make matters worse your current lineup has replaced
mine as the biggest abomination in the league, and you definitely have the
smallest dick in the league. god you’re annoying. On the plus side I’ve
thoroughly enjoyed our lack of gchat interaction recently, lets keep that
going.
12. Alan - CPP: 130.07, Last Week: 10th
Glad to see you filled
out your last roster spot muff. However, the fact that you have totally
neglected to make a team name is really a slap in the face to the rest of the
league, especially those of us who have gone to the trouble to even upload a
team picture (me, Donnie and the gay twins; I don’t count gutman and zball
because theirs are lame). Even Bennett made some incredibly dumb team name to
remind us how much of an idiot he is, you cant do your part? I know you’re all
hot shit now because you’re dating chicks and living in an apartment and trying
to get people to call you alan and everything, but how about throwing us little
people a bone once in a while. At least you paid $30 to pick up a dude that no
one else bid on, so that was pretty amusing. You might not win another game.
13. Donnie - CPP: 129.05, Last Week: 13th
You motherfucker. How the fuck do you do it? I don’t know how
this cpp works but all I know is you have the 4th fewest points in
the league and are tied for the league’s best record. Looks like your luck may
have run out though with Julio going down. I was going to make fun of you for
bidding $77 on keenan allen, but then I saw your other WRs and now I get it.
Sidebet proposal: loser this week has to nair their nutsack on video and send
it to barnard.
14. Kimmel - CPP: 126.22, Last Week: 14th
Get your shit together dude. This could end up being the
shortest stint ever in falafel, even chris long made it through a couple
seasons before he got booted. When I look at your lineup I have to wonder who
you used all your draft dollars on, especially since I remember you got
deangelo for like 3 cents. Must really suck for you living with esco on Sundays
given how vastly inferior you are to him in fantasy, and must really suck
living with amir any day. I feel for you bro.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Trade Analysis 3
Nick Gets:
Ray Rice RB BAL
Bernard Pierce RB BAL
Steve Johnson WR BUF
Hakeem Nicks WR NYG
Zacherman Gets:
Matt Schaub QB HOU
Jamaal Charles RB KC
Scott Chandler TE BUF
Harry Douglas WR ATL
#HotSportsTake: Zacherman
gives up three startable players plus a strong handcuff for a top 3 RB and
spare parts. I think the price was a little high and now depth becomes an issue
but at least you know exactly who your starting lineup is every week. As for
Nick this trade makes perfect sense, you desperately need a complete roster and
now you get three starters for the price of one even if all of them come with
considerable question marks.
Most Valuable Addition: Without
question this is Charles. Along with AP and McCoy he is a top 3 running back
this year and I think you could make the case he will probably be the highest
scorer for the rest of the year. Because AP is so dependent on long runs for
his high point totals if he doesn’t break many more 60+ yarders Jamaal is
likely to pass him by. Also why doesn’t he have a nickname? Doug Martin gets
Muscle Hamster as a rookie and Jamaal can’t get one at 25 after multiple
Pro-Bowl seasons and a college career at UT? Someone needs to work on this.
Potential Starters Gained: Zacherman
only gains Charles as a starting player and any situation where is has to put
any of the other three players into the starting lineup is a scary one.
Nick will probably be starting Ray, Hakeem and Stevie every week from here
on out. Doug Baldwin is definitely worth consideration for that flex spot but
at the very least Nick gets at least one RB and a WR every week for Charles.
Nijo Trade Grade: You needed
to sell off your team for parts if you want any hope of making the playoffs and
you clearly have done that with the Ridley move and now this. We will see next
week if it pays off with Bell back from bye and this trade going through on
Tuesday. My fear with this trade if every part you picked up has serious red
flags. Ray Rice finally broke out this weekend but he has barely been on the
field over 50% of the time for the year and is no longer the stud he once was.
You are going to have to start him every week that he’s healthy but my guess is
Pierce will continue to get 10-15 touches every game and the Ravens just aren’t
good enough to assume you can get multiple touchdown games from Rice very
often. Hakeem is an injury risk and has already gotten a little banged up
earlier this year and the odds of him making it through every game this year
are basically zero percent. Since he entered the league in 2009 he has played
in 14, 13, 15, and 13 games so pencil him in for about two missed games at some
point this year. Stevie is going to have a rookie
from Duke throwing the ball to him this Sunday. When EJ Manuel gets back in
a few weeks hopefully he will return to WR2 value but until then it’s going to
be pretty rough in Buffalo. Just like your last trade this was a move you had
to make and while I don’t think you robbed Zacherman like you did to Gutman I
think this is good value for Charles who could end up being the 2013 Fantasy
MVP.
Zball Trade Grade: Zacherman
has pretty much set his RB/WR/Flex lineup for the rest of the year, Jamaal
Charles and Andre Ellington at RB and Eric Decker, Justin Blackmon and DeAndre
Hopkins at WR/Flex. That is a fine lineup and with Julius Thomas and Brees at
TE and QB you definitely have potential to put up big points every week. The
only concern is what happens on bye weeks. Without flex worthy players like
Stevie and Hakeem in the mix Harry Douglas becomes your best play off the bench
and being forced to put in any of your backup RBs on your current roster is
going to be very depressing. This is great news for Gutman who plays you in
week 9 when you will have Justin Blackmon, Eric Decker, Julius Thomas, Andre
Ellington and Rashard Mendenhall on bye. I will be very impressed if you break
60 that week. So basically you are giving up week 9 and potentially week 10
(Charles and Chris Ivory bye week) for a strong lineup the rest of the year. I’m
still concerned about the lack of depth but this move definitely makes you one
of the stronger teams when you can put your full starting roster in the lineup
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