One year ago, a hurricane hit the East Coast, stranding some
of us in Vegas and forcing Donnie to autodraft his team again. I don’t know
what was more horrifying, the experience Alan, Esco, Joseph and myself had at
the Riviera, or Donnie seeing that Yahoo drafted him two defenses and three
tight ends.
This year, after the wildly popular First Annual FALAFEL Draft
Madness bracket, we head to Nashville. In the process, we are losing a few key
members to graduate school and Judaism, but at least Bennett isn’t coming.
We’re now at the point in the preseason where each league
member starts to think about what their team will look like in the upcoming
season. As FALAFEL’s resident blogger/power ranker, I take it upon myself to
think about what every team will
look like, and perform a Mock Auction. The Mock Auction has no dollar values,
and leans more towards the Mock and less towards the Auction, but it is an
important exercise regardless, as I typically nail my predictions for Barnard,
scaring him away from players he loves.
On to the Mocktion:
Kumpf
Most likely to draft:
Tony Romo. It’s hard to avoid the Cowboy love deep in the heart of Texas,
and Romo is undervalued in my opinion.
Other probables: Mohamed
Sanu, Ricky Williams, Tim Riggins
Will not draft: Kenny
Britt. I love my Rutgers guys, but when you get a DUI on an Army base with a
female cadet in your car, that’s where I draw the line. Who am I kidding, that’s
fucking awesome. I would gladly take Britt for the right price.
Ajay
Most likely to draft:
Brandon Lloyd. Lloyd loves him some Josh McDaniels, so him and Ajay have
that in common.
Other probables: Laurent
Robinson, Dominic Toretto, Aaron Hernandez
Will not draft: Eli
Manning. Burn Ajay once, shame on you. Burn Ajay twice? You get a second Super
Bowl ring and host SNL.
Zacherman
Most likely to draft:
Stephen Hill. “You guys don’t even know, Hill is the next Calvin Johnson.
I’ll be laughing all the way to the Stevens Bowl. I don’t even need to pay my
entry fee. No really, I’m not paying.”
Other probables: Jared
from Subway, Bilal Powell, Jermichael Finley
Will not draft: Antonio
Gates or Andre Johnson. Healthy seasons from them would have put you in the
playoffs last year.
Weissbard
Most likely to draft:
Victor Cruz. One of the Giant fans is going to overpay for the salsa
dancing receiver’s breakout season, and I can see Weiss doing it just so he can
bust a move at the draft. Either that or he’ll miss the draft entirely because
he’s too distracted by the arcade games and skeeball at Dave & Buster’s
Other probables:
Torrey Smith, Avicii, Steve Weatherford
Will not draft:
Brandon Jacobs. Weiss respects loyalty, and players that don’t tiptoe in the
backfield.
Donaldson
Most likely to draft:
Mike Winchell. Kid just wins games
Other probables: Michael
Strahan, Kelly Ripa, The Ronimal
Will not draft: Danny
Watkins. Not only is he an Eagles offensive lineman, but those fahckin
firefightahs are a bunch of fahckin queeahs.
Gutman
Most likely to draft:
Sage Rosenfels. He might not even make the Vikings team, but he is probably
the only player in the league who would miss his draft to go to Birth Right.
Other probables: Shady
McCoy, David Akers, David Guetta
Will not draft: Any
player who wears un-tailored football pants. So unstylish right now.
Esco
Most likely to draft:
Mike Wallace. I feel like Esco has Wallace every year, and provided he
signs this weekend, Wallace will provide value this year.
Other probables: BenJarvus
Green-Ellis, Doug Martin, Eric LeGrand
Will not draft:
Jimmy Graham. He paid $6 for him this year. He’ll likely have to drop at least
$26 for him this year, and that ain’t the Commish’s style.
Billy
Most likely to draft:
Drew Brees. Brees won Billy a championship last year, so there’s no reason
to think Lutz won’t go back to the well with his Bourbon Street buddy again
this year.
Other probables: Percy
Harvin, Keith Stone, Santonio Holmes
Will not draft: While
sober. When you’re the champ, you do what you want. And Billy never wants to be
sober.
Kimmel
Most likely to draft:
Matthew Stafford. Looking at your final roster from last year, he was literally
the only player who is worth more than $15 in the auction this year. You owe
him loyalty.
Other probables:
Mikel LeShoure, Shonn Greene, Chad Johnson
Will not draft: Mark
Sanchez. Why pick a QB who you’ll want benched by Week 4?
Barnard
Most likely to draft:
Tom Brady. For all the shit I give Barnard, he’s usually a very logical fantasy
footballer. He probably thinks that the return of Josh McDaniels will put Brady
in 2007 form. He forgets that “throw it deep to Moss” is no longer an option,
and Tom Terrific likely won’t be worth the money it costs to get him.
Other probables: Brandon
Lloyd, Terrell Owens, Magic Mike
Will not draft: Arian
Foster. In all the conversations I’ve had with him about fantasy this year, he
always mentions Rice and McCoy as the top 2 RBs, so he clearly wants none of
Foster. Maybe he realizes that a pasty white kid taking a guy named Arian is
not the best for his thug image.
AGD
Most likely to draft:
Tim Tebow. Their name might imply that they’re ambiguously gay, but after
seeing Tebow shirtless in the rain, there’s no ambiguity about it.
Other probables: Joe
McKnight, RG3, the McCourty Twins
Will not draft: From
the same location. Seriously, how is this gonna work? Can you both click +1 in
the auction? Is one of you just drafting and the other taking a back seat? I
need a logistics update.
Joseph
Most likely to draft:
Hakeem Nicks. When Bennett inevitably mentions that he fractured his foot, Nick
will give a biting comeback that will shut Bennett up for the rest of the draft
Other probables: David
Wilson, Dez Bryant, Cam Newton
Will not draft:
Marcedes Lewis. Though we will be drafting at Dave & Buster’s, Nick will
not be in attendance, so the Lewis-for-chicken wing trade is not on the table.
Bennett
Most likely to draft:
Michael Vick. With his wrist and ribs now ailing him, Vick will come at a draft
day discount!
Other probables:
DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Freddie Mitchell
Will not draft:
Kevin Kolb. Even Bennett doesn’t make the same mistake more than twice.
Alan
Most likely to draft:
Marshawn Lynch. It’s like clockwork with Alan, he always takes the RB who had a
breakout the year before. In 2010, it was Chris Johnson. In 2011, it was Jamaal
Charles (oops). This year it seems like either Lynch or McCoy fits the bill, but
I’m betting on Lynch.
Other probables:
Eli Manning, Rob Gronkowski, Dan Gronkowski (after he accidentally bids $25 on
the wrong Gronk)
Will not draft:
Ben Roethlisberger. He’s taken Big Ben in the last two auctions, but despite
their similar approaches in picking up girls, I can’t see him doing it again.
I’ll see most of you wingnuts this weekend. I’ll see a few
of you in the playoffs. And I likely will never see Bennett again.
Now that’s ending on a high note.
