FALAFEL 2014 Season Recap

Although I feel like I've apologized and been punished enough for my lack of active participation this year, I want to reiterate that while I regret nothing (other than handing AGD the Stevens Bowl with the Jeremy Hill for Jermaine Kearse trade), I wish I could have juggled my real-life and fantasy-life a bit better in 2014. But before we write this season off, I'd like to offer my Monday Morning Quarterback thoughts on each of your teams, seasons, and you as people. Consider this your CPP fix for 2014.

(Teams are ranked based on points scored in the regular season, which, if you haven't noticed, has an extremely strong correlation with CPP. Also, I haven't kept up my CPP spreadsheet this year, and ranking teams by wins just seems like a waste of time)

1. AGD - 1374.5 Points Scored
Congrats to you guys on an impressive season where you had the best record, most overall points, and won the Stevens Bowl. On top of all that, you eliminated Barnard in the most heartbreaking way possible, which had to give you extra karma points heading into the Stevens Bowl. I still can't get over the fact that you started Shonn Greene with the Chef Coat on the line, but it somehow paid off. During the season, you had big-name trades that landed you Calvin and Graham, but neither of them actually panned out as well as you guys probably hoped, especially in the playoffs. The aforementioned Hill for Kearse trade, as well as Russell Wilson's absurd play, won you your first coat, which I'm sure wasn't your gameplan after the draft.

Speaking of our trophy, I assume we're all in agreement that despite having co-owners as champs, they only get one coat. Outside of the obvious $2 per person price increase, it will be extremely entertaining to watch these two draft while both wearing the coat next year.

And before moving on from the champs, while I was updating the FALAFEL record books, I realized that in the 6 years that this league has been in its post-Cortesian form, we've had 6 different champs. But that doesn't necessarily mean we've had parity. If we consider Lutz-owned teams to be the same, we've only had 7 different teams make it to the Stevens Bowl, as 4 of our 6 champs have lost a different Stevens Bowl. Another fun fact: Stevens Bowl champs make up 6 of the top 8 spots in our historical winning percentages. The only two top 8 teams to not win (or even make) a Stevens Bowl are Joseph and Barnard. And in "one of these things is not like the other" news, Alan has by far the lowest career winning percentage from a Stevens Bowl champ.

Alright, enough of that.

2. Levine - 1335.7 Points Scored
Talk about a turnaround. In his inaugural year, the Kimmel stink had Levine below the dreaded Long-Line (.346 winning percentage), but he rattled off an impressive sophomore year that saw him come within 22 points of getting a Chef Coat. Outside of a nice draft that gave you Brady, Murray and Foster, trades are what really put you over the top. The only thing that makes me feel better about the Jeremy Hill trade is that Nick gave you Antonio Brown and Jesus Chr... Odell Beckham in the same trade. It wasn't quite a raping, but it sure looks good for you in hindsight. Your other trades, while not as spectacular, were all strategic and defensible, which is all you can really ask for. Even though you fell short this year, you have my respect as a fantasy owner, something that Barnard would sacrifice his friendship to Alan to attain.

3. Weissbard - 1305.1 Points Scored
I look at your team and I don't see how you had the third most points. Julius obviously helped you early on, but you cut bait on him at about the right time, and the Luck upgrade proved to be huge. I'd say that your record was lucky because you faced the easiest schedule in the league, but the scoreboard don't lie. I'm not sure if it was starting the right players at the right time, or if it was just a weird year, but history has told us that you're more like the team that couldn't hit 65 points in consecutive playoff games than the one who broke 130 points twice. I'm calling for some Weissbard regression in 2015.

4. Gutman - 1278.3 Points Scored
I was obviously not paying as close of attention as usual this year, but I feel like Gutman's team was never a serious threat to win it all. The big trade with Esco early in the season combined with the Justin Forsett bid gave you your most successful campaign since our inaugural season, so that's nice. It didn't backfire like I thought it would, but giving up both Titans RBs for Malcom Floyd is still a dumb decision. But really I can't complain about a roster that ends with top 25 contributors at every position. A lot of them shat the bed in your first round loss, but you made it there and that's better than life has been for you since you were still being called the Prez.

5. Barnard - 1247.3 Points Scored
While it likely would have made me happier to see you not even make the playoffs after your hot start, losing by 2 yards in garbage time was a nice consolation prize. I honestly liked the way you handled your season from start to finish, other than dropping Romo of course. You got a little bit lucky on the Golden Tate/Tre Mason trades panning out as well as they did, but I can't complain about buying low on Gordon/Trent while selling high on Steve Smith after you banked a few wins. If it's any consolation, if you had beaten AGD, and updated your roster for the Stevens Bowl, you would have beaten Levine. So you have that to think about all year.

6. Kumpf - 1226.4 Points Scored
You've already read my sob story about ridiculous losses, so I won't bore you with those again. But I will point out that my team averaged over 110 points per game in the playoff weeks without me updating my roster. It's going to take awhile to get over this season.

7. Ajay - 1225.9 Points Scored
It was a pretty quiet year for Ajay, who finished the year with one of the better rosters in our league. Giving up Golden Tate early on ended up hurting more than you would have thought, but you used Floyd to eventually pull in Dez, so I'd call that a break-even at worst. It seems like Ajay's issue was that, outside of an absurd Week 10, his players never really had good weeks at the same time. Some years just turn out that way, but it doesn't mean you need to go back to the drawing board.

8. BAM - 1201.4 Points Scored
This was the team to out-perform their point total by the most in 2014, somehow pulling an 8-5 record from the 8th most points. All of this despite an abject unwillingness to make any trades at all, which you would think would have the opposite effect on their karma. Looking at their roster, they honestly just drafted pretty well for the second year in a row. Not as dominant as their two-headed RB monster from last year, but there are no glaring holes on that team. Draft skill has proven difficult to repeat year-after-year, so 2015 may need to be the year that these two actually have to make a trade to continue their run of playoff appearances.

9. Joseph - 1143.0 Points Scored
With this point total, he shouldn't really have been a Tannehill completion away from a playoff spot, but it was a weird year. In terms of trades, the Tre Mason move backfired immediately, but likely wouldn't have affected the playoffs. The other trade may well have torpedoed Nick's chances. Trading away ODB and Antonio Brown, likely two of the top five WRs drafted next season, while only recouping two lesser (albeit solid) receivers and a lotto ticket at RB doesn't make a lot of sense. Desperation aside, unless he thought Sankey was on the verge of a breakout, this trade kept our Commish home in December, watching ODB's brilliance from afar.

10. Bennett - 1139.6 Points Scored
On Halloween, Bennett traded Mike Evans, Larry Fitzgerald and Joseph Randle to Levine for Andrew Hawkins, Jonas Gray and Shonn Greene. The next week, Gray scored 44.1 points on Bennett's bench. That pretty much sums up his season right there. Bennett actually had some good pickups with Romo and Sanu, and he won Week 11 without Gray anyway, but none of that was enough to overcome the general mediocrity that is his team and his life.

11. Alan - 1037.5 Points Scored
The fact that Alan isn't in the bottom three after losing AP after Week 1, and generally fielding a worse roster than the Knicks right now, is honestly impressive. His final roster didn't even pull in $100 in the draft, and they only break $50 because Weissbard for some reason though Montee Ball was good at football. Alan made some good moves in giving up Luck and Julius Thomas for some depth in separate trades, but I can't ever be a fan of trading away Dez for Michael Floyd and Matt Asiata. Regardless, you kept fighting Alan, finishing above the three pathetic souls I'm about to discuss, and you should be proud of that. That and what is by far the best Christmas Card I've ever received.

12. Esco - 1025.1 Points Scored
A wise man once said, "If you ain't first, you're last." Esco took that literally this year, going from Stevens Bowl Champ to ripping 7 shots an hour before next year's draft (Luke Lill Champ? We need a name for this honor.). I tend to trust Esco's strategy during the draft, but this year he came away with more depth than usual, and no one who could really carry his team if he needed it. Some years, that's good enough, but this was not that year. To his credit, Esco was pretty active early-on in the trade market (and would have been higher than 12th in old-school CPP), but the best player he brought onto his team was a choice between Mark Ingram, an banged-up Jimmy Graham and Kelvin Benjamin. Not exactly the 2014 All-Pro Team. Like Ajay, I think you got some bad luck this year, but that doesn't mean you should change your draft approach. You know, other than being 7-deep next year.

13. Zacherman - 1024.1 Points Scored
Ending the season at 5-8, with the second least points scored, and three Jets on your roster is pretty depressing, but why didn't you make a trade? In this league, when you start 0-3, it's almost mandatory to make some sort of move, yet you did nothing. That's my biggest complaint with your season. There's nothing you can do about Brees, Desean, Percy and VJax underachieving in the same season, but flipping two of them for some depth would have made sense. Also, since your Stevens Bowl loss, you've gone 6-7 and then three straight years of 5-8, and if you remove your 12-1 season, you have the lowest winning percentage of anyone not named Long or Kimmel. We have a darkhorse for the first pick in the division draft next year!

14. Donaldson - 1004.8 Points Scored
Donny very nearly missed the 1000 point mark on the season, which is sad in an of itself, but I also remember leaving the draft thinking he had one of the strongest teams. The combination of Peyton and Calvin could easily have averaged over 40 points per game, and the supporting cast was good enough to think that Donny was in store for a return to the playoffs. Alas, it was not to be. Injuries and subpar play from pretty much everyone besides and eventually including Peyton derailed this season before it could even get started. Next year might be different though. Prior to this season, Donny had only one season below .500, and even after a 4-9 record, he remains in the top 5 by overall record.

That covers everyone, but before I go, I want to include an excerpt from an email I received from our eventual Champs during the week leading up to the Stevens Bowl:

"Although I'm a few months late, I realize I never congratulated you on being a married man. Me and Reap are very proud of your accomplishments and maturity. It seems like just yesterday you were one with the mold in the crowsnest. Thank you for humbling insults of our questionable flex start...we know as the next generation of FIJI FALAFEL, we bring an exciting vitality to the league that intimidates some older members (there comes a time where the great Tom Brady must step down for Russell Wilson). 

While reminiscing about the league last night, and what FALAFEL & FIJI means to us, we reflected on your vital role in shaping what this league stands for today. Your e-mail and analysis, your passion and seemingly endless amount of time to write about nothing in the most entertaining way possible, gave a new meaning and value to that chefs coat.

You see Kevin, you have a talent. While you may think people watch your power hour videos just to get fucked up, those videos were so powerful because your true essence shined through: everyone felt your passion and hours of craft that went into something completely asinine, but APPRECIATED that dedication."

While the purpose of this email was an unabashed request for a season recap, I appreciated the sentiment. I'd like to think that I have cornered the market on providing meaningless entertainment to everyone I come across. So even though the first request was denied at the time (and hopefully this post suffices), I am more than happy to grant the secondary request that came later in the email. Without further ado...

BELFER! REAP! LEVINE! KIMMEL'S BALD SPOT! IT'S THE STEVENS BOWL!

Congrats again to AGD, and we're only 2 months away from the Fourth Annual Draft Location Madness!

See y'all in what promises to be a much more active 2015 for me in this hallowed league.

Week 11 Write-Up: Donny

The few of us who have been unlucky enough to be the low scorer of the week have done a great job with the rankings. I hope to continue that trend. The actual rankings are based on a statistical examination of each team and the league as a whole. The number in parentheses is the percent chance of that team scoring greater than or equal to the cumulative median score of all teams in all weeks. So the best teams will have a high average score and a lower standard deviation, based on the basic bell curve. If you don't understand then you probably studied psych or some nonsense and I can't help you, or you're Gutman, and I'll help you if you ask. For my own twist i compared each team or person to a movie/tv show character, as I have little knowledge base to do much more than math and tv, this email exhibits my fullest potential. Enjoy the links.

1. Reap and Belfer (0.83)
    A lot of great duos to choose from Corey Matthews and Shawn Hunter, Chandler and Joey, Bert and Ernie, Mulder and Scully....well maybe not that last one. But I've got to go with Drs. Egon Spangler and Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters. Bring back the cornell gangsta vid next draft weekend. (We all know Reap is really Jay Baruchel...)

2. Weissbard (0.82)
    You are Jeff (Nick Swardson) in Grandma's Boy. You game like an eighth grader on winter break and you don't care who knows it. Don't worry, you'll get some sweet rims on that race car bed one day. Just joking, you're good people. 

3. Ajay (0.71)
Nahga nahga not gonna win another chefs coat this year. You are Samir Nagaheenajar from Office Space because you're Indian, likable, and can probably do this dance move. 

4. Gutman (0.70)
This is an easy one, you are john c Reilly as dean the deanzie Ziegler from Cedar Rapids. Fun loving, alcohol drinking and a goofy smile. You won't be taking the last place shots in your hole next draft day but you're going down this weekend cause I'm coming for you mothafucka i'm youre krazy eyez killa.

5. Barnard (0.69)
You are one of the lesbian mothers of Byong Sun in Kicking and Screaming. You could also be Ross Geller from Friends. Or you're Jason Biggs in Loser. Either way you get the point. 

6. Levine (0.67)

You are Dante Hicks from Clerks, cause you're not even supposed to be here. Just kidding, you field a much better team than the jokes that were teams Long and Kimmel.

7. Bill and Marshall (0.59)
Hmm. This one took some time. But I've got to go with Ren and Stimpy cause you are both out of control in your own lovable way. 

8. Benjamin Bennett (0.55)
I would say you are Steve carell as the boring weatherman in Anchorman but that's too easy. You're Chris Elliot in Groundhog Day. Yeah I put no effort into this one.

9. Kumpf (0.54)
You are Kramer. You seem to fall ass backwards into success with seemingly no effort or planning. It's either karma or Kramer, or both. 

10. Nicholas (0.47)
You are Levy from The Wire. No explanation necessary.

11. Esco (0.32)
You are Vance Munson from Hitch. I can't decide if this is an insult or a compliment, or even at all accurate.

12. Alan (0.32)

Alan my friend, you were Jon Favereau in this scene in Swingers, but you've got a gf now. So you're just George Lopez.

13. Donald (0.24)
You are probably pound for pound the most handsome falafel member. You're Kurt Russell in Tequila Sunrise. Though maybe more a mix ofReuben Feffer from Along Came Polly and Tim Allen in Home Improvement. 

14. Zach Attack (0.18)
Zach, it's been a tough year for us both. I'm going to let you off easy and give you Ernie, I mean Ice, the bully with the hat in Hocus Pocus. Is that letting you off easy?

Week 8 Write-Up: Alan

So it was inevitable that with my team, after fractured hips and child abuse allegations, I would be up for the lowest score. I decided to surprisingly follow Levine's approach on the write-up and look at how everyone's draft went now that we are 8 weeks into the season. While there were a ton of injuries and trades that occurred, I just looked at those players who were active and what they averaged per game vs. what people actually paid for them. I also excluded kickers and defenses b/c that shit is just crazy:

1. Barnard - Sitting on top of FALAFEL finally, after 6 years of .500 records and witty yet secretly insecure emails. I bet this has been the most memorable period in your life, even more than the time you got engaged to your soon to be wife. This is all due to the fact you got Rivers for $4 and he has been averaging 20.7 pts/game for you. He's got his bye coming up in wk 10 but you've got that playoff spot pretty much locked up. Your worst pick that you still have is Gore (8 pts/game) and that's not terrible considering what else is being thrown out there so touche Barnard, touche 

2. Weiss - We had our beef not too long ago Weissbard but I gotta admit, your new name says it all..Everything is Coming up Weiss. You've been going on dates, you're recharging your mitzvah next month, and your team leads the league in points scored. You had a few solid picks based on draft value but I'd say Bradshaw has really carried you averaging 13.4 points/game and you got him for $5. 

3. Rob Woods Giant Cock - You've gotten some lucky wins so far this year considering the fact you spent $71 on Lacy and he's averaging 10.7 points/game for you. There are 6 other rbs you could have gotten for less than that who have played 8 games so far this yr and averaged more than that that. You're bright spot so far was Gates until you traded him last week. He's highest in scoring amongst all TEs ( 13.7 pts/game) and you got him for $2

4. Levine - I'm pretty sure Levine actually didn't drink all those fireball shots before the draft b/c he was sober enough to find great value with his $200. You've got Demarco ($50) carrying you at 20.2 pts/game and Foster ($53) throwing in 17.9. As long as those 2 stay healthy the rest of the year which is a big if, you are in good shape. You really do have a future in accounting man. You're going bald, you're Jewish, and you can do a lot with $200.

5. Big Nutz Black Dick - Still not sure who's actually running this team. Lutz is either on a rig or wasted and Marshall is busy telling hour long stories about that time when he almost got involved in a 3some (the story gets better every time Marshall). Charles (13.3 pts/game) and Jeffery (9.6) have been underwhelming for you so far this year as you spent $105 on those 2 players combined but I see things turning around for them in the 2nd half. 

6. Me - Not much to say here. Luck literally carried me for most of the year at 25 pts/game ($20). Now that he's gone, it's probably only downhill from here. 

7. Ajay Ajay - You got Sanders for $18 and he's the 6th highest WR at 12.8 points/game. Also, you're $32 for Gronk has turned out to be solid value considering he's picked it up the last couple games and is now averaging 12.2 points/game. Us Brown people always end up getting fucked though so I don't see you making the playoffs unfortunately.

8. Bennett - I don't feel like doing this one.

9. Gut - Your unluckiness has been overshadowed by your terrible trades. Also, spending $41 on Rodgers wasn't ideal. While he's averaging 21.4 pts/game for you, there were 3 other QBS averaging more than 20 points/game that you could have gotten for a lot less than $41. Also, you had Palmer averaging 19 points/game when his shoulder wasn't dead. Maybe you could have traded Rodgers for a Palmer fill in while he was hurt and some depth which you could have used. On top of that, you had Kelvin Benjamin for $4 and hes averaging 10.6 points/game and traded him away. 

10. Donnie - You spent $58 on Megatron for a whopping 9.4 points/game before sending him away to AGD. Also, looks like you drafted Hillman at some point for $1. Can't blame you for dropping him however. Also, I love you Donnie but I think it's absurd that you never paid dues and no one has called you out on that for the past 2 years.

11. Mind of the Married Man - Really? You still never changed this? Are you busy painting the porch outside? You've withdrawn yourself from the league for more important matters which I understand. You are getting paid for actually writing about Fantasy Football after all. You had interesting strategy of going after stud WRs by shelling out $110 for 3 of them. I wouldn't say it's necessarily paid off with your 2-6 record but you are ranked 6th in the league in scoring. Demaryius is 2nd amongst WRs (16.4) in scoring so I would say you're $47 there was well spent although Antonio Brown is averaging slightly more points/game and he was $10 cheaper. Julio at 11.2 points/game has been underwhelming so far to say the least and you could have gotten 5 other guys who have averaged more over 8 games for less money. 

I just wanted to get up to Kumpf and this has been more of a pain in the ass as I thought so here are the last 3 

12. Nick - Best value - Antonio Brown: 16.7 points/game at $37. 

               Worst value - McCoy: 9 points/game at $79

13. Esco - worst value - this is obvious --> Stacy at 5.9 points/game for $45

14. Z Dawg - best value - Chris Ivory with 11 points/game for $3

                   worst value - CJ?K with 5.5 points/game for $25

Finally, I wanted to take this time to announce my retirement from FALAFEL year end. I've spent way too much time this past year and the game has lost it's charm. I'm ready for the next chapter. 

Alan AKA the Artist Formally Known as Muffin 

Trade Analysis 2

I was lazy about getting this out because it’s the second one I’ve done but with the flurry of trades late in the week you guys gave me something to write about. Only one trade is likely to make much of a difference in the playoff hunt but enjoy

To: Deputy Sheriff Nucky Thompson (VanA) - Patrick D

From: Rob Woods' Giant Cock (AGD) - Evan Reap, Adam Belfer

VanA traded Calvin Johnson, Det WR to AGD
VanA traded Colts D/ST, Ind D/ST to AGD
VanA traded Bobby Rainey, TB RB to AGD
VanA traded Kenny Stills, NO WR to AGD
AGD traded Mike Wallace, Mia WR to VanA
AGD traded Branden Oliver, SD RB to VanA
AGD traded Rams D/ST, StL D/ST to VanA
AGD traded Michael Crabtree, SF WR to VanA

Best Player Involved: This is obviously CJ but question marks abound. He already publically stated that he isn’t going to play when he hurts and Detroit has a strong enough defense and supporting cast this year that I don’t see him being rushed back. Mike Wallace has had an outstanding year so far but I really don’t see him reaching CJ levels.

Donaldson Trade Grade: You were in pretty dire straits before this trade and you at least have respectable players starting at every position now. I like Oliver’s chances at remaning fantasy relevant even after Matthews comes back in a couple weeks. Oliver is a pass catcher out of the backfield so he should do fine in such a pass heavy offense. Crabtree gives you some flexibility so you don’t have to start Sjax every week and Wallace is immediately your number 1 WR. Its never fun to trade away a top draft choice but I think this was a very good haul for CJ when you were so desperate. Im not sure if this will turn the tide in your season but it certainly can’t drop you further.

Grade: B

AGD Trade Grade: This is a calculated risk. Give up depth now, reap (get it?) the rewards in the playoffs when the entire team is healthy. You tried this last year with Aaron Rodgers with hilarious results but because this is earlier in the season your likelihood of this trade paying off is much higher.  I really want to find a hole in your team but with Ingram getting healthy and my belief that Montee Ball isn’t worth more than a bag of trash your team is getting pretty out of hand. WR is still a concern healthwise because CJ and Garcon are unlikely to remain healthy for the rest of the year but with your RB depth I’m guessing another trade is in your future.

Team Grade: A-

To: Bell's Sankey Blount (GUTM) - Adam Gutman

From: Kimmel's Bald Dome (LEV) - STEVEN LEVINE

GUTM traded Bishop Sankey, Ten RB to LEV
GUTM traded Shonn Greene, Ten RB to LEV
LEV traded Malcom Floyd, SD WR to GUTM

Best Player Involved: I’m actually not really sure about this. Bishop Sankey has had a few good weeks but partly that has been due to Greene’s injury. I don’t think the Titans trust Bishop to be a work horse back and I don’t think he has developed the all-around skills for it yet (which is why Dexter McCluster is somehow getting touches). I thought Malcolm would have retired after last year after that hit that left him motionless for 15 minutes on the field after that brutal collision but apparently he doesn’t mind risking his life for a few million dollars. I think he may have taken over the starting receiver role from Keenan Allen and even if Keenan rounds back into form I think Malcom’s numbers are for real in this system.

Gutman Trade Grade: I know everyone ripped on you as soon as this trade happened but considering how our trade is turning out in your favor so far this year and what I think about Malcom Floyd I don’t actually hate this. I think you need a WR more than a Flex worthy RB right now because your WR corp is a disaster. Of course if Lamar gets hurt and Bishop suddenly becomes a workhorse back this could backfire but I would be pretty satisfied if I were you right now.

Trade Grade: A-

Levine Trade Grade: Bishop is probably going to replace Floyd in your flex spot for the forseeable future but the more important aspect of this trade is the RB depth you so desperately need. Foster is a coin flip to play seemingly every week and you really have no other startable RBs on your roster. The play for James White didn’t seem to work out so far and Dunbar is a 3^rd string RB so this was a trade that had to happen. I’m not thrilled about Bishop as a flex player every week but the dropoff between starting Bishop at RB2 during Demarco/Foster’s bye week / any time they get injured and the trash sitting on your bench makes this trade very sensible

Trade Grade: B+

To: We Made It (BARN) - James Barnard

From: Inomin8gehrig4 the #icebucket (NIJO) - Nick Joseph

BARN traded Bernard Pierce, Bal RB to NIJO
BARN traded Reggie Wayne, Ind WR to NIJO
NIJO traded Carlos Hyde, SF RB to BARN
NIJO traded Tre Mason, StL RB to BARN

Best Player Involved: There isn’t much to work with here. I guess Wayne is the most consistent performer but Hyde has the most upside as the season progresses. I’m going to lean towards Wayne here because people have been claiming the downfall of Frank Gore basically since he entered the NFL and somehow he keeps trucking along. Wayne has rebounded far better than I expected from the ACL tear for a veteran player and should be good for 50 yards and an occasional td every week this year.

Barnard Trade Grade: I don’t really understand this. You already had a mediocre RB you could flex in a pinch in Pierce. Do you really think Hyde is going to help your team? All I see is a potential source of frustration every time Hyde vultures a touchdown. I don’t see Gore getting hurt, just a lot of difficult matchup decisions from here on out. And Wayne is a good asset. He’s a perfect low end WR2 in our league and a very comfortable flex and I think you could have traded him straight up for Hyde without losing Pierce in the process. The fall of Team Barnard is imminent

Trade Grade: D

Nick Trade Grade: Nothing wrong with this. Give up a 2^nd string and 3^rd string RB, get a half decent flex RB and a startable WR in return. Not sure if this really does anything to your team’s chances for success over the course of the entire season but at least it won’t impact you negatively

Trade Grade: B+

Week 5 Write-Up: Joseph

As the FALAFEL futility tour makes its way to Chelsea, I take my turn at recapping where we stand as a league this week. I sincerely apologize for the delay and, as you'll see, not finishing the rankings. I've had an unusually busy week, but you guys deserve better from me. Given the emerging theme of people putting their personal spin on the rankings, some of you may be expecting a searing excoriation of everyone's team and personality. I'm disappointed that those of you may think me such a verbal barbarian, and I will offer a conciliatory gesture to apologize for my inattentiveness to my league responsibilities this week by providing authentically adulatory commentary for each of you. Prepare to be disarmed.

1) Barnard (5-0, 526 points)

Your squad answered any questions as to its legitimacy as the #1 team in the league this week by shattering the previous season high score. Your TE/Def/K alone would have beaten me. Heading into the stretch run, especially after adding Josh Gordon, you will be the clear favorite and will only be denied a chef coat with a Josephian playoff collapse. More importantly, your contributions to this league have long been overlooked and, stunningly, even derided. You've been unfairly called, among other things, stupid, effeminate and thoroughly unfunny. However I want you to know how important you've been to my enjoyment of fantasy football over the years. Whether intentional or not (a meaningless distinction really), you bring laughter to my life. Your emails are often quite clever and your commentary on world and league events quite deft. The lack of credit you receive for your wit, no doubt a product of the league's unfair but seemingly universal disrespect for you as a human, is a true travesty. I urge you to continue being yourself and not to conform to some people's, or even the overwhelming majority of people's, conception of "normal."

2) Beezle (3-2, 520 points)

How could I get through my day without your numerous, dare I say constant gchats? You share my love for taking pleasure in the suffering of others, yet deep down you have a steadfast moral compass that obliges loyalty to those most important to you. I know that, despite your Muffin-imposed team name, you could easily have any young lady you want were it not for your deep respect for women that compels you to wait until you find your soulmate. Your team is a thing of beauty, even if it may not prove to be a model of consistency. When your running back corps is back at full health, you will be a force to be reckoned with. Plus you have a guy named Storm.

3) Muffin (4-1, 452 points)

You've made it Alan. I always knew you would. Girlfriend who seems normal, living in the city, fantasy team in first place. Don't bother pinching yourself buddy, it only seemslike you're living a dream. The truth is, you deserve everything you've attained because of the person you are on the inside. Never mind that you've been likened to an amphibian, or that your team has been called "the worst team on paper in FALAFEL history" by someone who gets paid to provide fantasy analysis. Nothing can stand in your way Alan. I know you'll prevail because you're a man who embodies loyalty and hope, and I know this because, although many so-called "rational" people would toss him to the wayside, AP still calls your roster home.

4) AGD (3-2, 492 points)

Your team looks poised to mount perhaps the most serious threat to James' dominance going forward. With Ingram returning, you'll have the best running back depth in the league, which combined with serviceable receivers and the perpetually overachieving Russell Wilson, represents a scary matchup to anyone. It's appropriate that Wilson, with whom you two share many attributes, serves as your team's poster-boy. You both live life with a youthful exuberance, boyish good looks, and represent the future of your respective leagues. Although Wilson needed to write an article about himself claiming that he was a tough guy growing up to be seen as anything but an unintimidating choir boy, you two are far more secure with being perceived as feeble quasi-children. I know that, despite many people's assumptions, your love for each other is not sexual in nature. You simply recognize each other's inherent vulnerability, and realize that each of your survival in this world depends on the other's support and care. We should all learn a valuable lesson from your mutual devotion to each other.

5) Lutz/Marshall (4-1, 440 points)

It shouldn't surprise anyone that you guys are this high on the list. You are both highly intelligent individuals who excel in demanding and sought-after jobs. Yet at times many have questioned both of your ability to function at all in society. But your success in life, as well as fantasy, begs the question: perhaps, given your successes, it is in fact society that should change to reflect your personas. Perhaps Chris' seemingly nonsensical emails contain hidden genius that we are merely unable to appreciate because of our own deficiencies. Perhaps tiger-moms seeking to ensure their children's success at landing a prestigious career should, instead of pressuring them to sacrifice their social lives to get better grades, encourage them to drink to the point of having their eyes roll back in their heads on a daily basis like young William. You two make us question everything we think we know about the value of "civilized" behavior. Bravo.

6) Kumpf (2-3, 480 points)

It's a joy to see how far you've come Kevin. Who would have thought that the lovable asexual lump whose goals in life seemed not to extend beyond the crow's nest door would be the first among us to truly become a man? Your rapid hyper-maturation has given hope to even the most grotesque among us that we too can find true love. It pains me to see your disengagement from league duties this year, but who am I, a mere unmarried barbarian, to question the workings of adult life. I see many happy days ahead for both your new family, and for your fantasy team, especially if you are able to add some running back depth to your studly receiver duo. 

7) Joseph (3-2, 421 points)

No one cares about how someone feels about their own team or life. Thats why people, presumably including me at some point, have to pay money for therapy.

8) Ajay (2-3, 453 points)

One thing that can always be said about Ajay is that you know what you get with him. He is steadfast in his ways, and does not waiver according to the whims of society. For all the jokes that have been made about "New Gutman," "New Kumpf," and so on, no one can argue that Ajay has changed much over the years. Although some might call it stubbornness, complacency, or even lack of creativity (to be fair, Ajay's last three team names have been "ajay," "Ajay Ajay", and "Ajay Temp"), I believe there's something to be said for such stability. Sadly, Ajay has deviated from his life strategy this year in fantasy, assembling perhaps the most injury-prone and inconsistent group of players in the league. Ajay, you're a man I respect a great deal, and I hope you'll return to the qualities that originally garnered that respect, including your refusal to let the world dictate the "appropriate" place and manner that one defecates, so that you may get a second chef's coat.

9) Levine (2-3, 427 points)

Some may call you "bland," "a numbers bid for life," and "oh yeah, that guy." I, however, see you for the unique and beautiful person you are. I enjoyed our trade discussions this week, although we were unable to reach a deal, but I can't help but feel that this resulted from your team quietly being among the most complete in the league. Much in the same way that I hope your team ultimately receives the recognition it deserves, I hope that you yourself will continue to show the world what a complex and multi-talented being you are. I look forward to many more years of friendship.

I've now spent close to an hour on this and have other shit to do. Here's the rest of the rankings. Bottom 5 don't really deserve to have anything nice said about them anyway. 

10) Esco (2-3, 417 points)

11) Gutman (1-4, 427 points)

12) Bennett (2-3, 402)

13) Donnie (1-4, 404)

14) Z-Ball (1-4, 346)

Week 4 Write-Up: Levine

The “What If” Analysis

As low scorer of the week (special shout out to the Falcons Defense (-3), Stevan Ridley (2.8), Shayne Graham (4) and Tom Brady (4.4)), I have the honor/pleasure/obligation to craft the Week 4 Weekly Write-up. This will not be a generic write-up where I bash every team, although some of that will certainly be done. Rather, this write-up will be rooted in the “What If”. No, not the “what if I had started one of my bench players” or “what if Tom Brady didn’t throw 2 interceptions and fumble once in an embarrassing Monday night performance”. This weekly write-up is the “What If … I had someone else’s schedule in the league”. 

A bit of background – I started doing this analysis last year after everyone started hating on my 0-6 start because I wanted to see if I truly had a bad team or if it was a product of the matchups (as an fyi, it was a product of the matchups… not that anyone cares). Given that this will be my first major email contribution to the league I figured it should be substantial. I do not know as much about football as Esco, I am not as self-deprecating as Barnard, as cutting as Nijo, etc., so I have decided to go with a somewhat analytical approach combined with my general opinion of your teams.

The Power Rankings generated from the “What if” analysis are based on the Average Win/Loss rate a team would have across all schedules. I think analysis helps to show consistency of teams and may also have you cursing the fantasy football gods for your bad luck with scheduling. I have attached the excel file for people who are bored and/or have nothing better to do.

Before the power rankings a few fun facts

·         - Donny (413.5 pts against) and Gutman (409.9 pts against) have had the hardest schedule to date; next closes is over 30 points less. No real sympathy here though as they are 11 and 12 on the power rankings.

·        - Bennett has had by far the easiest schedule (282.7 pts against) to a stellar 2-2 record. Next closest is wbard with 318 against.

·         - Having the highest cumulative score doesn’t always get you the best record. Sorry wbard your 416.4 pts (next closes is Barnard with 384.2) has only yielded 2 wins due to consistency of performance combined with a somewhat unlucky schedule, but the power rankings still love you for this week. More to come.  

The Power Rankings                

		Avg Record
	Team	Wins	Losses
1	Barnard	3.00	1.00
2	Weissbard	2.71	1.29
3	Joseph	2.29	1.71
4	Masand	2.21	1.79
5	Reap/Belf	2.14	1.86
6	Lutz/Marsh	2.07	1.93
7	Escalante	1.86	2.14
8	Shah	1.79	2.21
9	Kumpf	1.64	2.36
10	Bennett	1.57	2.43
11	Gutman	1.43	2.57
12	Donaldson	1.21	2.79
13	Levine	1.14	2.86
14	Zacherman	0.93	3.07

Barnard (We Made It)

Word on the street is that you don’t remember the havana nagila that broke out at this year’s draft… if it was due to drunkenness, you should thank the bartenders and pray that whoever comes out last this year bestows upon you the 5 pre-draft shots; it may not have helped the 2 league members who had to partake this year (8^th and 13^th in the power ranking) but you are an anomaly. With that said, I haven’t been in the league long enough to assess you fantasy football acumen and from what everyone says, including yourself, it has not been pretty. Everyone shits on Barnard, but this year Barnard might be doing the shitting. This team could be destined for greatness.  You would be 4-0 or 3-1 in 10 of the 14 schedules with only one losing record (if you had Donnys), so your record is no fluke and your team is legit. Star power at key positions (Lynch, Green, Rivers), depth at every position and the potential for a number one receiver coming back in week 12, thanks to your trade with wbard, that could carry you deep into the playoffs. You may look to improve your WR2 position in the interim by trading away some of your depth (see Shah/Masand Trade), but if not, your team is still very formidable and more importantly, consistent unlike the #2 team in these power rankings.

Weissbard (Even Esco Can’t Get Me Laid)

Your team is off to a good start scoring in the triple digits 2 of the first 4 weeks, but I am skeptical if that will continue. The trade for smith was a nice boost at WR2 but Flacco is garbage and I don’t see Smith catching 60+ yard tip passes for tuddys on a weekly basis. Jordy, Cutler, and Thomas should be solid fantasy contributors all year but after that I am highly skeptical mainly because of your rb situation. Bradshaw is in a time share and cant possibly score a receiving touchdown every week , Ball hasn’t done much in his 3 games on a prolific offense, and Tate, assuming he is back this week, just isnt that exciting on a pretty miserable offense. The Power Rankings like you this week as you would be 4-0 or 3-1 in 8 of the 14 schedules and similar to Barnard would only have one losing record (donnys schedule). A bit unfortunate to be 2-2 but your team will likely make a strong push for the playoff, even if under the Nijo rule.

Joseph (Inomin8gehrig4 the #icebucket)

Another team off to a solid start this young fantasy football season and the solid start will likely translate into a playoff run for the commish. As with team “Even Esco Cant Get Me Laid”, you would be 3-1 in 8 of the 14 schedules. However, what kept you from eclipsing wbard from the number 2 spot in the rankings is that in 4 of the 12 schedules you would currently have a losing record. This is no reflection on the quality of your team as it realistically has underperformed.  Shady has not been shady, but even if he doesn’t come close to the season he had last year, he is better than his current ranking of 28^th. QB and RB2 are really my only concerns with this team, but Big Ben is serviceable so the only real hole is RB2. The combo of Taliaferro/MJD/McFadden wont get it done on a weekly basis but your flex is strong with a sold receiving core. Im sure you will make a move to improve you RB2 slot and potentially QB but if not, this team is still in good position. You are in what looks to be the toughest division this year but a top 6 seems likely.

Masand (AP is Weissbard’s BabySitter)

This ranking is nonsensical. Sure the Power Rankings have you batting cleanup and you have put up some solid numbers, but it defies logic. You would be above 500 in 5 of the 14 schedules and below 500 in only 3 of the 14 schedules so from that perspective the ranking is justified. However, your team leaves something to be desired. Luck, the only true asset left on this team, is off to an insane start this year and while he should be a top 5 fantasy QB all year, his 26.9 weekly Avg seems high. Jennings is a solid RB1 and if Eli can build off of last weeks stellar performance, Jennings will likely finish as a top 10 back. But after that the wheels fall off. You traded your greatest asset (other than Luck) away for a WR3 (maybe) and a Flex RB. Asiata will not score 28 pts again in his career and will likely start to split time at RB. This team has been hurt by the injury bug (Pitta) and by the beating up children bug. There is less than a 1% chance that Peterson sees the field this year so you should probably drop him; he wasn’t smoking weed like Josh Gordon… he was “disciplining” children. We know Alan loves him some Allen but this team isnt making the playoffs… even with loads of Luck.

Belfer/Reap (Rob Woods’ Giant Cock)

At 2-2, AGD can’t be happy; they had a rough first week which really brought down there chances for a top 3 Power Ranking and all but sealed their fate for a 2-2 start. In 6 of the 14 schedules, AGD would be 3-1, but that is less than 50% so cant really feel bad especially since in 4 of the 14 schedules you would be under 500. Be happy at 2-2 and ride your deep team to another playoff berth. Lacy will play better than he has the first 4 weeks, he was playing against the best run defenses after all, but your receivers are about where they should be. This team has some depth to bolster the receiving core with a legit WR1 but either way the Wilson, Lacy, Gio core along with WRs that can go off in a given week should be enough to get you to the dance.

Lutz/Marshall (Big Nutz Black Dick)

At 3-1 this duo should be very happy. Your team had lackluster performances in week 2-3, but were excellent in weeks 1-4. In 5 of the 14 schedules, BNBD would be 3-1, which is less than 50% so to escape a few bad weeks with a 3-1 record keeps the owners smiling as it could’ve been worse with 4 of the 14 schedules giving you a record of under 500.  With JC back to full strength this team looks keep the ball rolling with a formidable match-up against NIJO. This team is not deep and will not continually get 22.5 from its flex but there is enough star power (JC, Stafford, Jeffrey, Bennett) mixed in with other solid contributors (Morris, Johnson,) to make a run at the playoffs, barring injury of course; also on this team’s side is the weakest division with the 9^th, 13^th and 14^th ranked teams in the Power Ranking, and a child beating team that is highly overrated. You should like your chances this year.

Escalante (Alan Loves Him Some Allen, D)

We are now getting into the teams that have an average win rate of less than 2. There is only 1 shedule (Wbards) in which Esco would be above 500. Its hard for me to gauge this team; Esco seems to find a way to put together some wins and make the right fantasy moves but other than a solid week 1 performance the team has been uninspired. Snagging Graham, Benji and Allen in early season trades will likely pay-off and Killa Cam will likely Avg more than 14.8 pts/gm. Stacey and Sproles will be hit or miss, boom or bust all year but this team still has enough depth to make some moves down the road to make a final push for a playoff spot. Esco is in the toughest division but until the champ is knocked out you have to like his chances to make a push.

Shah (Ajay Temp)

The lack of team name is not working for you, but everyone loved your trade rape of Alan. Dez and Sanders are a solid duo at WR, Kap is a top 10 QB, Gronk will continue to get healthy and finish as a top 5 TE. You have a mish mash of RBs all of which are low end RB2 or high end Flexes. A potential trade to bolster the RB position and clear out some depth could quickly put this team back in the conversation for a playoff berth, especially in the weakest division. The power rankings don’t reflect the aforementioned potential as 3 of your 4 weeks were mediocre. In 2 of the 14 schedules you would be above 500 but in 5 of the 14 schedules you would be below 500 so 2-2 feels about right for this team. Im guessing this team will continue to climb in the power rankings over the upcoming weeks but the team needs to come together soon to have a shot at a playoff berth.

Kumpf (Mind Of The Married Man)

This team would be under 500 in half of the schedules and above 500 in only 2, so you should be quite happy to be at 2-2. This may be the last team I have positive things to say about mostly because I think your team has underperformed and you filled a glaring need by picking up a RB2 in a trade with Donny that helped our raining league champ take down the ship last year. Mathews is always an injury risk but as we have seen this year, who isnt? Demariyius has let you down a bit but there is no way he is not a top 15 receiver. He is unlikely to find a top 5 finish given the love Manning has been showing to Sanders but either way, your WR core is formidable. Top end star power with Ryan, Bell, Jones, and Thomas as well as serviceable players at other positions will make this team tough to beat down stretch. Barring injury I like this team, but unfortunately you are in what looks to be the toughest division.

Bennett (It Ertz When Eifert)

The epitome of generic, this team has had the weakest schedule and is 500. It could only have gotten worse for you in other schedules with 5 opportunities to be below 500 including 0-4 under Nijo’s schedule. Be happy being generic and not making the playoffs this year. Forte and Cobb will be solid all year but the rest of the team will likely flounder and be hit or miss… mainly miss. Time share RB2, no WR2 (fitzy aint fitzy no more), a QB1ish and limited depth. You are still in the thick of your division at 2-2 but Wbard and Reap/Belf are light years ahead. Don’t worry Bennett. On the plus side… you likely wont finish last as the next 4 teams are painful to watch.

Gutman (Bell’s Sankey Blount)

Im gonna go out on a limb and say at this point in the season you did not want to be 0-4 and have already traded away your best asset not named Rodgers and your rookie flier, who looks to be flying high for running back depth. To be fair, in 11 of the 14 schedules you would have at least 1 win and in 8 of the 14 schedules you would be at least 500. But fate dealt you the second hardest schedule coupled with a bad team. Your team lacks star power but surprisingly has a plethora of RB3s and maybe a RB2 If we are being generous. Pray on the weak via trade during bye weeks and you might be able to add some star power to pair with Arod and turn in respectable finish. Realistically, a playoff run is out of the question as Reap/Belf and Wbard are gonna have a better record than you and the Nijo rule is a pipe dream.

Donaldson (Calvin, Stills and Cruz)

Patty D… you have had the hardest schedule to date. However, in only 4 of the 14 schedules would you be 500 or better. No wins to date is a tough pill to swallow because you would have at least 1 win in 12 of the 14 schedules, but your team very top heavy and its currently toppling. Manning and Megatron will keep you in the picture most weeks but short of record breaking days on a weekly basis, your lack of serviceable starters at other positions will keep on the losing side of head to head matches more times than not the rest of the season. I understand why you made the trade with kumpf but your top 2 RBs are both in time shares and are both old… not a recipe for the winning sauce. I would test the trade market for Mega and Manning to see what you can get in return to bolster some other positions. You can always call in a few favors to see if Tony Gionopolis can crack some skulls.

Levine (Kimmel’s Bald Dome)

1) Drunk people make bad decisions 2) I hate Mathew Berry; Mr Berry…. It is not more luckily than not that Tom Brady will go back to being Tom Brady. Thanks to whoever dropped Andy Dalton. He isnt a top 5 fantasy QB like his numbers showed last year but anything is better than Tom Brady. There are only 3 of 14 schedules where I would be 500 (none which I would be better). Luckily I was able to have one of those schedules, haven’t completed been eliminated and in the weakest division, but I wont be in any race for the Nijo rule this year. Here’s to not getting last place.

Zacherman (Squeaky Curd Factory)

There is only one schedule where you would be 500. You currently have hot potato. Things aren’t looking good overall. You still have drew brees who can help you win a week here and there. Your RBs are on the low end of RB2s (and that might be generous). You have a lot of big names and receiver but they just haven’t panned out yet. Percy is in a very unselfish offense so he will likely not put up big points on a regular basis. Vjax is on his 2^nd QB of the season already (but Mike Evans is out for a few weeks which could help… sorry Bennett).  Welker is concussion prone and Manning seems to like his new toy better. And Djax will be highly volatile as ‘skin.