This year's draft seemed to be a bit of an evolution. We didn't really hit up downtown Chicago, spent a lot of time at arcade bars, and tended to go to bed before midnight. There were some draft weekend staples, like Billy's wasted draft process and Marco needing medical attention, but there were also some notable absences, like Vanilla Ice and Barnard's runningbacks. There was also a lot of chatter about avoiding cities entirely in the future and just getting a baller AirBnB. While I love the idea in theory, the location will matter a lot in terms of travel, as a plane ride followed by an hour+ drive is not fun for anyone. Something to think about for next year's Draft Location Madness anyway.
As always, I will use Bill Simmons' my movie quote gimmick to assign draft grades. Home Alone is the obvious choice for Chicago, but I used that for our COVID draft, so we'll instead be using another John Hughes classic, Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Levine
Economics Teacher: Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
I usually have a tough time assigning a quote to Levine, but this year it was pretty easy. Didn't come to the draft, didn't say a word in the GroupMe or ESPN chat, and only allegedly drafted his division through Weissbard, who definitely could have been making it up. All told, a pretty standard Levine draft and draft weekend. I don't really like his team, but there is depth for sure and if the Broncos are good, he'll be a contender.
Best Pick: Javonte Williams for $21. This pick kind of slipped in without anyone noticing. Pierce, Akers, and Pacheco had just gone for $30+, and most teams didn't have a ton of money to spend, but anyone who needed an RB should be ashamed at this discount.
Worst Pick: Chris Olave for $35. No issues with Olave specifically, but this was the point in the draft where the teams saving their money needed to draft someone. Never a fun position to be in, and Olave ended up going for $10+ more than guys like Higgins, Devonta, and Nuk. Not the end of the world, but using that $10 to improve the RB or QB situation would probably have been better.
Grade: B-
Billy
Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
The most iconic line in the movie goes to the team with the most iconic draft strategy in the league. It also works because he was kicked out of the draft after nominating Eli Mitchell, and missing out on his most important handcuff. Without fail, Billy goes big on RBs early and tries to cobble together the rest of his roster late. This year had the added benefit of him being 5-7 drinks deep before the draft started, which led to an amazing TE2 pick with his last remaining budget. Never change Billy.
Best Pick: Josh Kelley for $1. It's rare to see a handcuff go for $1 in this league, so grabbing yours on the cheap could pay off huge.
Worst Pick: Jakobi Meyers for $6. I know you needed a startable WR at this point, but after drafting Meyers...you still needed a startable WR.
Grade: D+. This grade considers Jonathan Taylor as 50/50 between being traded and missing 4 games, which is about where things stood when we drafted.
Marco
Ferris: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!
A couple good options for Marco this year. Unfortunately this scene doesn't really work for a text-based blog, but you get the picture. I speak for everyone in being glad that you're okay and hoping that everything checks out with the cardiologist. Having said all that, you have a pretty good team! I will definitely nitpick some decisions, but overall I can't see you missing the playoffs.
Best Pick: Brian Robinson Jr. for $9. Most teams have to pay a premium to get players on their favorite NFL team, and while no one really expects big things from the Commanders, getting BRob for $20 cheaper than Pierce, Akers, and Pacheco is a steal.
Worst Pick: Deshaun Watson for $11. Ethical dilemma's aside, Watson was hot garbage last year when he played. He legitimately can't be worse, but paying over $10 assumes he's a no-doubt weekly starter. Russ went for $1 and I would have expected similar for Watson.
Grade: B+
Kumpf
Ed Rooney: Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine.
We've had spite waiver bids, spite trades, and even spite draft picks, but I think I am the first person to actually have a spite team. I had some targets going into the draft, with Pierce OR Akers at ~$20 on the list. Instead, I got into bidding wars with Barnard, won both players, and paid $62 for the right to start them both, tanking the rest of my roster in the process. Am I happy with my team? No. Am I happy that I caused Barnard's team? Yes.
Best Pick: Marvin Mims for $2. Honestly not a lot of value on my squad. I paid up for my starting lineup and was left with scraps. Denver's WR2 is not a bad scrap, but it's still a scrap.
Worst Pick: Cam Akers for $32. I would have been more than okay with Akers as my RB2, so having him as a flex is great. Leaving me with $16 to fill 9 roster spots, including my starting QB and TE? Not great.
Grade: D+
Alan
Cameron: I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.
Alan does seem determined to defend his title, getting involved with auctions early and often. He landed 5 of the first 48 players nominated (average would be ~3), and followed that up with two more double digit dollar picks before we even got to 100 players. Yes, two of them were quarterbacks, a questionable strategy. And yes, his RB depth isn't great. But this is Alan we're talking about. He will either win his fourth title and force me to find a new chef item to customize, or he'll finish 5-9.
Best Pick: Brandon Aiyuk for $8. When he's not injured, he's a no doubt WR2 that Alan gets the luxury of flexing. He's often injured, but still.
Worst Pick: Aaron Rodgers for $6. I don't have a huge problem with drafting two "startable" QBs. It does put a lot of pressure on you to trade one of them (something Alan doesn't typically like to do), but it can work out. What I don't like is bidding more than $5 on your second QB that early in the draft.
Grade: C+
Gutman
Girl on Bus: Gummi bear? It's been in my pocket; they're real warm and soft.
Gummy Gutman is as good, if not better, than drunk Gutman. Same laughs, same high pitched noises, improbably same bowel issues. Fun all around. As for his team, it's...fine? Definitely a playoff contender, potentially more than that, or less, which I guess is as good as you can hope coming out of our draft? Also, his team name is fun to say.
Best Pick: Drake London for $8. There was a decent chance that Gut would have been screwed at WR2. London doesn't fully alleviate that concern, but he's the only healthy pass catcher for an offense that may not throw the ball much, but plays in an easy division and will be trailing a lot.
Worst Pick: De'Von Achane for $3. I'm grasping at straws a little bit here because Gut didn't overspend wildly on anyone, but given his WR and TE situations, all of his extra dollars should have gone for depth there instead of a luxury pick like Achane, who is both injured and third string.
Grade: B-
AGD
Ferris: If you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend.
Cameron: You've been saying that since the fifth grade.
This is how I imagine the conversation between Belfer and Reap went on Saturday morning. Belfer trying to move, Reap trying to make up for anniversaries past, yet they somehow ended up in the same room for the draft. Lucky for them, it was our fastest draft ever. Unlucky for them they have the most fucked up QB situation in the league and next to no depth.
Best Pick: James Conner for $21. Considering how absurd some of the RB prices ended up being, Conner is in the Javonte category of a surprising steal. The Cards will be really bad, but Conner should still be an every week starter, which has traditionally cost $30 or more.
Worst Pick: Justin Herbert for $17. On it's own, the price isn't terrible. I'm not a Herbert fan, but there are signs he could be a top QB this year. HOWEVER, spending $17 on your backup QB is roster malpractice. Sure, Lamar could get hurt. But wasting a roster spot, and ~$15 that could have been spent elsewhere is not worth having piece of mind. I personally will enjoy you two picking the wrong QB every week and bickering about it.
Grade: D+
Zacherman
Boy in Police Station: Drugs?
Jeannie: Thank you, no. I'm straight.
Boy in Police Station: I meant, are you in here for drugs?
Jeannie: Why are you here?
Boy in Police Station: Drugs.
Charlie Sheen's cameo goes to Z for obvious reasons, but also because there was no Slap Cup quote. Don't think I've ever seen that much life in Zacherman's eyes before to be honest. It led to a...questionable team name, but also to an extremely solid team. The Mahomes/Kelce connection will be fun no matter what, but it also should preclude you from having any sort of depth. Not the case here, as Z was able to put together a relatively complete roster that has upside if things break right with his RBs. They could also break terribly, but this is a 14 team league.
Best Pick: Alvin Kamara for $22. Yes, he's missing at least three games, and yes, the Saints offense won't be at the same level that they were with Brees. But Kamara going for half the price of Jonathan Taylor doesn't make sense, and I didn't think Taylor was bad value. The rest of the league messed up here.
Worst Pick: 49ers D/ST for $4. I'm never a fan of spending more than $1 on a defense, and while San Fran does look good, you already had Mahomes/Kelce at this point and needed to save money for your RB/WR situation. I don't think it ended up burning you, but it easily could have.
Grade: A-
Weissbard
Ferris: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
I have no doubt that Weissbard has pulled this exact move, any many like it, several times in his life, both to his parents and Ilana. Classic Weissbard. His auction strategy this year was also Classic Weissbard. While Alan targets specific players, and Levine waits for value no matter what, Weissbard will join auctions late, just to piss someone off, and ends up winning some of them. In recent years he has ended up with solid rosters, and this year is no exception.
Best Pick: David Montgomery for $13. Last year I started multiple Lions RBs more often than not. It didn't lead to a ton of success, but the "backup" ended up outscoring the "starter". While I doubt that happens again, getting a flex-worthy RB with upside in a top 10 offense should cost more than $13.
Worst Pick: Chris Godwin for $14. Weiss definitely needed a WR2 at this point, but there were a ton of options left on the board still, and I want nothing to do with Tampa's offense. Guys like Aiyuk, Sutton, and Lockett went for less money later on, and I like them as much or more than Godwin.
Grade: B
Barnard
[the guys just notice the "additional miles" on the car]
Ferris: [to the audience] Here's where Cameron goes berserk.
Cameron: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
[Cameron's screams can be heard all across Chicago]
Surprisingly not a great quote for Barnard's team, but this works. When I "won" the Pierce and Akers auctions, we had the following exchange:
To be fair, I don't like my own team, however it was well worth it to get those texts. Barnard did recover somewhat well with a plethora of WRs. But pretty much every non-Billy team also has a good group of WRs, that's what positional scarcity means. Burrow-to-Higgins could be fun, and JJ is obviously a stud, but there are a ton of question marks after that, even without considering the trash fire at RB. I've given Barnard low grades in the past, mostly for fun, but this year he more than earned it.
Best Pick: N/A
Worst Pick: Calvin Ridley for $30. There were still a good amount of startable RBs on the board at this point, and we have no idea what Ridley will look like in a new offense after a year+ out of the game. At least you two can commiserate over lost parlays.
Grade: F
NickFerris: Hi. Do you speak English?
Garage Attendant: Uh, what country do you think this is?
Nick gets an exchange that he probably has with the service industry in LA at least three times a week. It still cracks me up that he participates in the Room Draft, and then gets his own AirBnB anyway, presumably to screw over Lowe? Still not really sure about the motivation, but glad some things don't change. Another thing that is unlikely to change this year is Nick's lack of a chef's coat. There are absolutely worse teams than his (raises hand), but his RB situation is only better than Barnard's, and he somehow has no real depth either. At least he gets to root for Dimes?
Best Pick: Jerick McKinnon for $7. Not just because this could somehow make Barnard's team look even worse, but if you're going to ride lottery tickets at RB2, hitching your wagon to the Chiefs receiving back isn't a bad choice, especially at this price.
Worst Pick: Deebo Samuel for $24. I'm not a big Deebo guy, but he went for more than guys like James Conner, James Cook, and Khalil Herbert, all unsexy picks that would be a massive RB2 upgrade
Grade: D+
Bennett
Ferris: Look, it's real simple. Whatever mileage we put on, we'll take off.
Cameron: How?
Ferris: We'll drive home backwards.
This is how I imagine Mejia tries to convince Bennett to let him make more draft picks. Honestly, after the attempted ownership sale and blatant disregard for required shot taking, we may need to treat Bennett like Dan Snyder. Lowe is not an ideal alternative, but we can at least open an investigation. After a shocking runner-up finish last year, I was curious to see how Bennett would approach the draft this year. It appears that he decided on a hybrid between a Bennett strategy (Goedert/Swift) and a Barnard strategy (Josh x2, Tyreek, Hardman). That is not a compliment.
Best Pick: DeAndre Hopkins for $17. He has looked very old the last couple years, but his situation as the only pass catching option in Tennessee is not bad for this price. Combining him with Tyreek gives you a very high floor at WR.
Worst Pick: D'Andre Swift for $14. The price isn't bad, but he's currently your RB2, when he may not even be that high on the Eagles depth chart. And he's healthy now, which is unlikely to last past Week 4.
Grade: C-
Ajay
Cameron: The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion.
Ferris: It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.
A very Ajay line goes to a very Ajay team. Similar to Levine, Ajay found a lot of value for players that everyone didn't really want, and for good reason. Najee and Etienne may not even play 50% of the snaps for their own teams, Rachaad White is on the Bucs, Jeudy and Jeff Wilson are walking-IR stints, Dak Prescott, etc. No issues with the Metcalf/Amari/Hock trio, but this won't be a very fun team to watch, even if it does make the playoffs.
Best Pick: Rachaad White for $19. The Bucs are the Bucs, but a starting RB is a starting RB, and in this league, that's worth $30+. Especially without any real competition in his own backfield.
Worst Pick: Travis Etienne for $42. Tank Bigsby has been all the rage this preseason, and not just because of his fantastic name. Even if Tank doesn't steal more than a few carries per game from Etienne, I don't want to pay $40+ to find out.
Grade: B-
Esco
Ed Rooney: What's the score?
Pizza Joint Owner: Nothin' nothin'.
Ed Rooney: Who's winning?
Pizza Joint Owner: The Bears.
The Pizza Joint Owner in the movie could have easily been related to any of the characters that worked at the draft bar. Against all odds, this was one of our better setups, with a massive TV, mostly reliable WiFi, and most importantly, no other patrons. Despite the ER trip and public gunfire, this was a pretty successful draft weekend in my book, so kudos for planning once again. And kudos to your team, which was the most effective "Find Value" roster we had this year. You do have some massive injury concerns between Kyler/Tua/Barkley/Dobbins/Mostert/Pitts, but if more than half of them stay healthy, this is a legit contender.
Best Pick: J.K. Dobbins for $24. Another RB that should have gone $30+, injury concerns aside. If he's healthy, he's an RB1 and Esco is back in the Stevens Bowl for the first time since 2017.
Worst Pick: Kyle Pitts for $10. He's already hurt, and even when he's been healthy he has never lived up to the hype. I wouldn't be shocked if he broke out, but I also wouldn't pay $10 find out.
Grade: B+
Draft Grade Summary:
Zacherman:A-
Esco: B+
Marco: B+
Weissbard: B
Ajay: B-
Levine: B-
Gutman: B-
Alan: C+
Bennett
AGD: D+
Nick: D+
Billy: D+
Kumpf: D+
Barnard: F
