Between the massive injury bug that hit last week, as well as the looming Trade Deadline, my Hot Potato is going to hit on a few trades that could (and most times should) be made. I'll put it in Power Ranking format to appease those who care about such things, but it will be rankings looking forward, not based on past performance. I may not be heading for the Stevens Bowl like I claimed two months ago, but someone is, so let's see who looks like the odds-on favorite.
1. Ajay
My other Stevens Bowl pick has lived up to the expectations. He rode Freeman and Lewis while Shady and Lamar struggled, and now his biggest RB issue is picking who to start. From a roster perspective, QB is the weakness here. Neither Carr nor Stafford is reliable enough of an option to feel comfortable in a given week, so it's probably worth targeting someone who is.
Mock Trade 1: Ajay trades Lamar Miller and Matt Stafford to Bennett for Ben Roethlisberger and Julius Thomas.
2. Esco
Record aside, this is a deeeeep team that is potentially a move (or injury) away from domination. He has QB, RB, WR and even fucking D/ST covered better than most teams in this league, which just leaves TE as an obvious hole. Reed has played pretty well on the off chance that he's healthy, so I don't think it's worth sacrificing depth just for a minor upgrade at a non-premiere position. My recommendation is to stand pat.
3. Levine
This team badly needs to make a move, because you currently have more startable players than roster spots, and not enough studs to take you over the top. Four legit starting WRs and three RBs should be impossible in this league, but Levine has managed to pull it off. If I'm him, I go for the win this year.
Mock Trade 2: Levine trades Marshawn Lynch and Tyrod Taylor to Alan for Aaron Rodgers.
4. Barnard
The Bell injury obviously hurts, especially when you traded depth for Gronk earlier in the year. At this point you're likely riding things out on the back of Gurley, which is not a bad place to be, and hoping that the Palmer/Fitz duo doesn't turn into a pumpkin. In lieu of trying to flip Gronk, your better bet is likely downgrading at WR and hoping that your relative depth there allows you to pick the right player in a given week.
Mock Trade 3: Barnard trades T.Y. Hilton to Kumpf for Frank Gore and Jordan Matthews.
5. Weissbard
We collectively need to give Weiss props. Not for finally having a decent team, but for drafting what is potentially the most difficult division imaginable. But I also think you will make the playoffs, with a very strong starting lineup. You might need an off week from one of the teams above to earn an extra small Chef's Coat, but if I'm in your shoes, I wouldn't make any major moves.
6. BAM
Your obvious weakness to start the season was at WR, so that Malcom Floyd pickup has the potential to be huge. The lack of studs on this team is an issue, so I'd try to upgrade by trading some of your depth for a potential home run.
Mock Trade 4: BAM trades Chris Johnson and Jarvis Landry to Nick for Dez Bryant.
7. AGD
You guys will likely make the playoffs over one of the teams above, but your roster just screams meh to me. None of your players are really a risk to go off in any given week, which means you need everyone to contribute to get a win. This being my second Hot Potato in 4 weeks tells you how that one can turn out. That said, you've been pretty active on the trade market already, and your depth is solid, so I don't think there is an obvious move to be made.
8. Zacherman
This has to be the worst 7-1 team in fantasy history right? You've almost allowed fewer points than I've scored, which is just insane at this point. Regardless, those wins are banked and you'll probably back into the playoffs, which is impressive given that you've lost Charles and Smitty already. At this point you have one of the worst rosters in the league, so trading is somewhat out of the question. You just need to hope Brees keeps throwing 7 TDs, and you suffer no more major injuries.
9. Nick
I already covered a trade that I think would help you balance your roster a bit and make a playoff push, but I don't hate your teams as it stands either. You clearly have a better roster than Z, but with three fewer wins, your fate is likely not in your control. If this is indeed your swan song, will you go out with the status quo, or in a trading blaze of glory?
10. Gutman
Your roster is a lesser version of Nick's, and you already traded your stud for depth, so that leaves you just hoping for the best. It looks like Fitz is going to start for the Jets, so that helps Marshall, but C.J. Anderson showed enough life last week that I would be worried about Hillman. It would take some serious luck for you to make the playoffs.
11. Bennett
You waited too long to replace an injured Roethlisberger, and now you're "stuck" with two productive QBs. I think a trade with Ajay makes sense, but you need it a lot more than he does, which is not a great place to be.
13. Alan
Alan's spite tour comes full circle, as DeAngelo Williams is once again a viable starter! I feel like your team is one big missed opportunity for trading. At this point it probably doesn't matter, but you had some pieces here that could have been flipped earlier in the year and weren't. Rodgers for a stud RB or WR still makes a lot of sense to me.
13. Kumpf
In some universe, a team led by last year's QB3, the starting RB for Andrew Luck, the starting RBs for two undefeated teams, and Calvin Fucking Johnson would be more than enough to make the playoffs. This is not that universe.
14. Donny
We have quite the showdown this week. The loser is unquestionably in the driver's seat for taking 7 shots before the draft next year, which brings up the possibility of the entire screenplay of Big Daddy being quoted. I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm excited for that either way.
Okay, peace out.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
Week 5 Hot Potato: Undeliverable
The theme for me this season has been the lack of delivery. I promised to return to my weekly posts. That didn't happen. I promised to avoid shitting on Barnard at his wedding. That didn't happen (though I blame his home friends for instigating). And most of all, I promised a Stevens Bowl victory for my team. That is almost assuredly not going to happen.
While some of these failures are on me, anyone that claimed to have a pulse on this NFL season prior to Week 1 is a fucking liar. Yes, that Patriots are good, but Dion Lewis as RB4 by points per game? Yes, the Lions are bad, but Calvin Johnson as WR38 by PPG? Devonta Freeman having more points through 5 weeks than Eddie Lacy, DeMarco Murray and Marshawn Lynch combined (not even including last night)? Anyone who says they "nailed" the draft this year is full of shit, because this has been the weirdest NFL season in recent memory.
Regardless, we are where we are. And while I feel more unqualified than usual to provide any sort of commentary on the NFL right now, my Hot Potato post will focus on the moves made from Weeks 2-6. I will try to focus on process rather than results, but it's likely that I will be somewhat blinded by what has happened since these moves went down.
Week 2
Best Pickup of the Week: Tyrod Taylor for $7 by Levine. Losing any player sucks, but especially your starting QB. Taylor looked legit in the first two games of the season, so I'm surprised that no one else bid on him. With the benefit of hindsight, this was still a great pickup, despite the MCL injury that leaves you scrambling once again.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Crockett Gilmore and Rishard Mathews for $22 each by Weissbard. Spending 22% of our annual budget on two players that no one else bid on is never a good thing. Granted, Mathews contributed to Weiss demolishing me that week, so Karma is a bitch, but I maintain that neither of these players are startable.
Trades: None.
Week 3
Best Pickup of the Week: Gary Barnidge for $3 by Weissbard. I'm not here just to hate on Weiss, and he absolutely nailed this one. While Johnny Football clearly could care less about throwing the ball to white people, Josh McCown clearly has no such aversion. In fact, he pulled an Eli and threw a TD pass to Barnidge with his eyes closed last week. Weiss has himself a legit starting TE, and for more than 7 times less than Crockett Gilmore cost.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Thomas Rawls for $88 by AGD. I have a few problems with how our defending champs handled this one. First, Marshawn was only out for a week, maybe two, at the time of this auction (it obviously turned out to be two and counting, but that was unknown at the time). Second, Fred Jackson is already present in Seattle, and was always going to be the third down back if Lynch went down. Third, who the fuck is Thomas Rawls? But most importantly, you didn't immediately do whatever it takes to trade Rawls to Donny, the one guy who actually needs him.Your team looks pretty solid as is, but parlaying Rawls and Maclin for Keenan Allen or something like that should have been a priority.
Trades: Barnard trades Brandon Marshall and Travis Kelce to Gutman for Rob Gronkowski and Kyle Rudolph. I love this trade. Barnard capitalized on his surprisingly hot start by giving up depth for a stud, while Gutman made up for his draft-day mistake by adding much needed depth. I actually give Gutman the slight win here, because I think Kelce winds up a lot closer to Gronk's point total moving forward than people expect, and Barnard may regret giving up Marshall when Watkins throws up another goose egg at the wrong time. But great trade all around.
Week 4
Best Pickup of the Week: Willie Snead for $30 by Alan. It's rare that a relatively unknown receiver becomes the top target for one of the best QBs in the league, but that appears to be what happened with Snead. Smart pickup and responsible bid by Alan, who beat Z by less than $10. Bidding does not appear to be Zacherman's strong suit, though he does get an honorable mention here for Kamar Aiken at $18. He can't take home the prize because no one else bid on him, but it was still a good pick.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Giants D for $7 by Zacherman. I've made my thoughts on backup defenses and/or kickers (AGD, looking at you!) well known, but this makes even less sense than Esco's Denver pick. At least the Broncos have an elite defense! The Giants D has been extremely mediocre, and despite playing the Niners, you didn't even start them. When reached for comment, Z said that he picked them up because he was playing against Donny. So yeah.
Trades: Ajay trades Richard Rodgers to Bennett for Rueben Randle. Depth for depth, but nothing really exciting here. I'm convinced that this trade went down solely because both guys' initials are R.R.. Not as exciting as a potential Charles Clay for Chandler Catanzaro swap, but still more exciting than...
Kumpf trades Christine Michael to Levine for James Starks. I get that Levine wanted Randle/DMC insurance, but I'd still prefer the 2nd string RB in Aaron Rodgers' offense to the 3rd string RB in Brandon Weeden's offense. But that's just me.
Week 5
Best Pickup of the Week: Charcandrick West for $113 by Kumpf. Obviously lots to say here, which I'll get to in a minute, but this was by far the highest grossing auction that was ever won by $1. Even the biggest Kumpf-haters have to respect that, especially because it beat out Z, and 12 teams bid on him.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Charcandrick West for $112 by Zacherman. No real bad moves that I saw this week, so I'll add insult to injury by giving this one to Z. If you weren't so cheap and spent $2 more, you would still have Calvin.
Trades: Bennett trades Amari Cooper and Jordan Reed to Esco for Philip Rivers and LeGarrette Blount. I'm a little bit confused by this trade. Bennett needed QB help when Ben went down, but he waited until he's nearly back to make the move? Esco needed to trade his depth for a stud, but did so when Cooper was on a bye? I guess that makes it kind of even, though this trade would have made more sense two weeks ago. I give Esco the edge because Cooper is a legit WR1, and Bennett may not be starting either of these players as soon as two weeks from now.
Kumpf trades Charcandrick West, James Starks, Travis Benjamin and Desean Jackson to Zacherman for Calvin Johnson, Marques Colston, Owen Daniels and Giants D/ST. My team is an absolute mess, and if I'm strong anywhere, it's RB. Charcandrick West is not going to save my season. Calvin Johnson could save my season if he's not finished. At 1-4, I'm willing to take that risk. Zacherman is extremely lucky that he beat Donny by less than a point to get to 4-1, because losing Charles is just terrible. He likely would have faced a tailspin if he didn't get another starting RB. Losing Calvin hurts, but he very well could be finished, and the Desean/Benjamin combo is intriguing to say the least. This isn't as much of a win-win as the Barnard/Gutman trade, but it gives both teams what they needed. I give the edge to Z, simply because his season was probably over without it, and my season is probably over regardless.
Alan trades Antonio Brown to Weissbard for Randall Cobb and Karlos Williams. This is a weird one. Both teams are 2-3, but Weiss has a much rosier outlook than Alan does. With Ben hurt, I like Cobb more straight up than Brown, but that obviously won't last forever. So this helps Alan more in the short term, so that he can see if one of his array of 2nd or 3rd string RBs can emerge due to injury, while seeing equal or even increased production at WR. Weiss is playing a dangerous game, sacrificing a bit in the short term to have a better chance at the Stevens Bowl. I give the slight edge to Weiss here, because we're all playing for the Chef's Coat, and I admire his moxie.
While some of these failures are on me, anyone that claimed to have a pulse on this NFL season prior to Week 1 is a fucking liar. Yes, that Patriots are good, but Dion Lewis as RB4 by points per game? Yes, the Lions are bad, but Calvin Johnson as WR38 by PPG? Devonta Freeman having more points through 5 weeks than Eddie Lacy, DeMarco Murray and Marshawn Lynch combined (not even including last night)? Anyone who says they "nailed" the draft this year is full of shit, because this has been the weirdest NFL season in recent memory.
Regardless, we are where we are. And while I feel more unqualified than usual to provide any sort of commentary on the NFL right now, my Hot Potato post will focus on the moves made from Weeks 2-6. I will try to focus on process rather than results, but it's likely that I will be somewhat blinded by what has happened since these moves went down.
Week 2
Best Pickup of the Week: Tyrod Taylor for $7 by Levine. Losing any player sucks, but especially your starting QB. Taylor looked legit in the first two games of the season, so I'm surprised that no one else bid on him. With the benefit of hindsight, this was still a great pickup, despite the MCL injury that leaves you scrambling once again.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Crockett Gilmore and Rishard Mathews for $22 each by Weissbard. Spending 22% of our annual budget on two players that no one else bid on is never a good thing. Granted, Mathews contributed to Weiss demolishing me that week, so Karma is a bitch, but I maintain that neither of these players are startable.
Trades: None.
Week 3
Best Pickup of the Week: Gary Barnidge for $3 by Weissbard. I'm not here just to hate on Weiss, and he absolutely nailed this one. While Johnny Football clearly could care less about throwing the ball to white people, Josh McCown clearly has no such aversion. In fact, he pulled an Eli and threw a TD pass to Barnidge with his eyes closed last week. Weiss has himself a legit starting TE, and for more than 7 times less than Crockett Gilmore cost.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Thomas Rawls for $88 by AGD. I have a few problems with how our defending champs handled this one. First, Marshawn was only out for a week, maybe two, at the time of this auction (it obviously turned out to be two and counting, but that was unknown at the time). Second, Fred Jackson is already present in Seattle, and was always going to be the third down back if Lynch went down. Third, who the fuck is Thomas Rawls? But most importantly, you didn't immediately do whatever it takes to trade Rawls to Donny, the one guy who actually needs him.Your team looks pretty solid as is, but parlaying Rawls and Maclin for Keenan Allen or something like that should have been a priority.
Trades: Barnard trades Brandon Marshall and Travis Kelce to Gutman for Rob Gronkowski and Kyle Rudolph. I love this trade. Barnard capitalized on his surprisingly hot start by giving up depth for a stud, while Gutman made up for his draft-day mistake by adding much needed depth. I actually give Gutman the slight win here, because I think Kelce winds up a lot closer to Gronk's point total moving forward than people expect, and Barnard may regret giving up Marshall when Watkins throws up another goose egg at the wrong time. But great trade all around.
Week 4
Best Pickup of the Week: Willie Snead for $30 by Alan. It's rare that a relatively unknown receiver becomes the top target for one of the best QBs in the league, but that appears to be what happened with Snead. Smart pickup and responsible bid by Alan, who beat Z by less than $10. Bidding does not appear to be Zacherman's strong suit, though he does get an honorable mention here for Kamar Aiken at $18. He can't take home the prize because no one else bid on him, but it was still a good pick.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Giants D for $7 by Zacherman. I've made my thoughts on backup defenses and/or kickers (AGD, looking at you!) well known, but this makes even less sense than Esco's Denver pick. At least the Broncos have an elite defense! The Giants D has been extremely mediocre, and despite playing the Niners, you didn't even start them. When reached for comment, Z said that he picked them up because he was playing against Donny. So yeah.
Trades: Ajay trades Richard Rodgers to Bennett for Rueben Randle. Depth for depth, but nothing really exciting here. I'm convinced that this trade went down solely because both guys' initials are R.R.. Not as exciting as a potential Charles Clay for Chandler Catanzaro swap, but still more exciting than...
Kumpf trades Christine Michael to Levine for James Starks. I get that Levine wanted Randle/DMC insurance, but I'd still prefer the 2nd string RB in Aaron Rodgers' offense to the 3rd string RB in Brandon Weeden's offense. But that's just me.
Week 5
Best Pickup of the Week: Charcandrick West for $113 by Kumpf. Obviously lots to say here, which I'll get to in a minute, but this was by far the highest grossing auction that was ever won by $1. Even the biggest Kumpf-haters have to respect that, especially because it beat out Z, and 12 teams bid on him.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Charcandrick West for $112 by Zacherman. No real bad moves that I saw this week, so I'll add insult to injury by giving this one to Z. If you weren't so cheap and spent $2 more, you would still have Calvin.
Trades: Bennett trades Amari Cooper and Jordan Reed to Esco for Philip Rivers and LeGarrette Blount. I'm a little bit confused by this trade. Bennett needed QB help when Ben went down, but he waited until he's nearly back to make the move? Esco needed to trade his depth for a stud, but did so when Cooper was on a bye? I guess that makes it kind of even, though this trade would have made more sense two weeks ago. I give Esco the edge because Cooper is a legit WR1, and Bennett may not be starting either of these players as soon as two weeks from now.
Kumpf trades Charcandrick West, James Starks, Travis Benjamin and Desean Jackson to Zacherman for Calvin Johnson, Marques Colston, Owen Daniels and Giants D/ST. My team is an absolute mess, and if I'm strong anywhere, it's RB. Charcandrick West is not going to save my season. Calvin Johnson could save my season if he's not finished. At 1-4, I'm willing to take that risk. Zacherman is extremely lucky that he beat Donny by less than a point to get to 4-1, because losing Charles is just terrible. He likely would have faced a tailspin if he didn't get another starting RB. Losing Calvin hurts, but he very well could be finished, and the Desean/Benjamin combo is intriguing to say the least. This isn't as much of a win-win as the Barnard/Gutman trade, but it gives both teams what they needed. I give the edge to Z, simply because his season was probably over without it, and my season is probably over regardless.
Alan trades Antonio Brown to Weissbard for Randall Cobb and Karlos Williams. This is a weird one. Both teams are 2-3, but Weiss has a much rosier outlook than Alan does. With Ben hurt, I like Cobb more straight up than Brown, but that obviously won't last forever. So this helps Alan more in the short term, so that he can see if one of his array of 2nd or 3rd string RBs can emerge due to injury, while seeing equal or even increased production at WR. Weiss is playing a dangerous game, sacrificing a bit in the short term to have a better chance at the Stevens Bowl. I give the slight edge to Weiss here, because we're all playing for the Chef's Coat, and I admire his moxie.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Week 1 Recap/Week 2 Preview
What a weird first week of the season. Lot's of injuries, lots of studs not performing well, and lots of TDs for TEs. I somehow went 0-6 in fantasy, but 5-0-1 (now 6-0-1) in gambling, which makes absolutely no sense, but is a good proxy for what type of week it was. I'm hoping that things even out this week, if only so that my impromptu speech at Barnard's wedding won't come off in poor taste. Well it will definitely be in poor taste, but it will be easier to get away with at 1-1 than 0-2.
Week 1 Recap:
In the "Game of the Week", neither team broke 85, and Donnie is the current Hot Potato thanks to apparently drafting Archie Manning as his QB. So let's take a look at the actual best game of the week:
Levine (99) over BAM (95.6)
Things started out rough right off the bat for Billy and Marshall, with the Colts getting destroyed, Miami failing to blow out the Skins, and Cam Newton forgetting that he has literally one person worth throwing the ball to. A couple of garbage time TDs made Luck's day respectable, and Jarvis Landry's punt return TD was a nice double dip, somewhat salvaging the 1pm games for BAM while Levine got a great performance from the Carolina D and a middling day for Alshon.
The 4pm games is where it looked like BAM put things away. Ingram and John Brown were solid enough, both hitting double digits, but they had to be happy watching AJ Green struggle, as well as Bishop Sankey putting up 20+ on Levine's bench. A seemingly innocent TD by Eric Ebron didn't seem like it would make much of a difference. More on that later...
BAM went into SNF up 75.3-55, with DeMarco and Mike Wallace still to play, likely feeling very confident. When Dez went down early, it looked like that closed the book for Levine. Romo responded with a great finish, but if Eli had literally just fallen down, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to put up another 6 points. More on that later...
Heading into MNF, Levine had taken the lead 99-75.3. Not a small margin, but with DeMarco taking on one of the worst defenses in the league, as well as whatever Mike Wallace has to offer, BAM had to be cautiously optimistic. And then...8 carries for 9 yards? Even two TDs couldn't save the day for Murray, and despite Wallace catching an insane (for him) 6 of 7 targets, Levine wins the week.
Best Start of the Week: Barnard starting Benny Cunningham (12.2) over Fred Jackson (2.9)/Bilal Powell (7.8). This section will typically be populated by someone who won themself a game by making the correct call in a tough lineup decision. Granted, Barnard's decision was only really tough because he drafted horribly, but I digress. Benny Cunningham shouldn't be in the NFL, and playing him against Seattle's D had the potential for a goose egg. If Barnard got stage fright and went conservative, he loses to Zacherman. He made the right call, in a classic blind squirrel/nut situation.
Worst Benching of the Week: Gutman benching James Jones (17.1) for Malcom Floyd (2.9). This section will typically be populated by someone who cost themself a win with a questionable decision. Gutman is totally fucked at WR. Kendall Wright seems to have a connection with Mariota, but I think Gutman's high school team could put up 30 points on Tampa, so that remains to be seen. At the other slot, you had a tough decision, but Malcom Floyd is never the answer. In situations like this, you need to start the guy with the highest upside. Great job picking up Jones. Too bad you were too much of a pussy to use him.
Week 1 (and Overall) Hot Potato: Donnie - 69.1
Week 1 Scoring Leader: Esco - 138
We only have two matchups of teams that won last week, and it's shockingly Alan vs. Bennett and Barnard vs. Esco. Seeing as the winner of those matchups will be looking pretty good at 2-0, I need to feature one of them, which is pretty much the opposite of Sophie's Choice. I was comparatively nice to Barnard earlier, so I'll give him an early wedding gift and talk about him some more
Week 2 Preview: Barnard (1-0) vs. Esco (1-0)
QB: Esco's gamble on Brady paid off in a big way last week, but things could change quickly in Week 2. Since the dawn of time, the way to get Brady to play poorly is to make him move his feet, and Buffalo blitzed the shit out of Luck last week. The Pats O-Line isn't great, so I wouldn't expect another 20+ points from Tom. However, you're going up against the biggest QB clusterfuck in the league, so even if Carson has a good day against the Bears, I would expect both Kaepernick and Mariota to outscore him, as Barnard will never pick the right QB. Edge: Esco.
RB: Until Barnard gets Bell back (and potentially after that), he automatically loses this category, but we can't gloss over Esco's RB situation. I've been an Ivory fan for years, but I wasn't high on Forte this year, and thought Abdullah would take few weeks to win the job, but things look different now. Forte was Chicago's entire offense, and even if that offense isn't great, it still means lots of fantasy points. As for Abdullah, he looks extremely legit. With Blount and Mathews on his bench, Esco has the deepest stable of RBs in the league. Big Edge: Esco.
WR: Hilton's injury is definitely unfortunate for the Nard Dog, but Watkins should bounce back after being completely shut down by Vontae Davis. I would assume the trio of Fitz/Marshall/Watkins will technically outscore Hopkins and VJax, but there's only one stud here. Ryan Mallet must think that Hopkins looks like his Meth dealer, because he only throws the ball that way. Slight Edge: Esco.
TE: I'm going to pretend that the Chiefs didn't already play, and talk about how absurdly good Kelce looked last week. With a competent QB, Kelce could be the next Gronk, minus all the weird shit. He was the focus of Denver's D last night, and didn't find the endzone, but he's still better than Charles Clay. Big Edge: Barnard.
D/ST: I'll cover the Broncos D in a minute, but most of the time this decision will be based on matchups. Houston is playing a Panthers team relying on Ted Ginn and Jericho Cotchery, and they also have J.J. Watt. STL is going up against human turnover machine Kirk Cousins and has Aaron Donald, the scariest man in the NFL not named Watt. Barring a defensive TD, I think this will be close, but I'll give it to the best front four in the league. Slight Edge: Esco.
Verdict: With his perpetual depth, the weakest time of the year for Esco's teams is usually September. If he gets off to a hot start, I fully expect him to get a bye, which is no bueno for the rest of us. If he was a nice guy, he would give Barnard a win as a wedding gift, but we all know who we're talking about. Winner: Esco.
2015 Record: 0-1
Best Pickup of the Week: Chris Johnson for $41 by BAM. Not a lot of great value on the waiver wire this week, but CJ?K is the starter for at least the next couple of weeks in Arizona, potentially longer given that Andre Ellington is not good at football even when he's healthy. This type of situation usually costs upwards of $70 in auctions, so I'm calling $41 a value, even if CJ plays like he has for the last few years. More starting RBs is never a bad thing, especially when it comes to trades.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Broncos D for $21 by Esco. No backup defense is worth over 10% of our season-long budget, I don't care if it's the '85 Bears. I had this written before the game last night, and even though they put up 20, I stand by it. You're also the early front-runner for "Worst Benching of Week 2" because YOU DIDN'T EVEN START THEM! Honorable mention to Barnard spending $8 on his 3rd QB in a league that only starts one.
Week 1 Recap:
In the "Game of the Week", neither team broke 85, and Donnie is the current Hot Potato thanks to apparently drafting Archie Manning as his QB. So let's take a look at the actual best game of the week:
Levine (99) over BAM (95.6)
Things started out rough right off the bat for Billy and Marshall, with the Colts getting destroyed, Miami failing to blow out the Skins, and Cam Newton forgetting that he has literally one person worth throwing the ball to. A couple of garbage time TDs made Luck's day respectable, and Jarvis Landry's punt return TD was a nice double dip, somewhat salvaging the 1pm games for BAM while Levine got a great performance from the Carolina D and a middling day for Alshon.
The 4pm games is where it looked like BAM put things away. Ingram and John Brown were solid enough, both hitting double digits, but they had to be happy watching AJ Green struggle, as well as Bishop Sankey putting up 20+ on Levine's bench. A seemingly innocent TD by Eric Ebron didn't seem like it would make much of a difference. More on that later...
BAM went into SNF up 75.3-55, with DeMarco and Mike Wallace still to play, likely feeling very confident. When Dez went down early, it looked like that closed the book for Levine. Romo responded with a great finish, but if Eli had literally just fallen down, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to put up another 6 points. More on that later...
Heading into MNF, Levine had taken the lead 99-75.3. Not a small margin, but with DeMarco taking on one of the worst defenses in the league, as well as whatever Mike Wallace has to offer, BAM had to be cautiously optimistic. And then...8 carries for 9 yards? Even two TDs couldn't save the day for Murray, and despite Wallace catching an insane (for him) 6 of 7 targets, Levine wins the week.
Best Start of the Week: Barnard starting Benny Cunningham (12.2) over Fred Jackson (2.9)/Bilal Powell (7.8). This section will typically be populated by someone who won themself a game by making the correct call in a tough lineup decision. Granted, Barnard's decision was only really tough because he drafted horribly, but I digress. Benny Cunningham shouldn't be in the NFL, and playing him against Seattle's D had the potential for a goose egg. If Barnard got stage fright and went conservative, he loses to Zacherman. He made the right call, in a classic blind squirrel/nut situation.
Worst Benching of the Week: Gutman benching James Jones (17.1) for Malcom Floyd (2.9). This section will typically be populated by someone who cost themself a win with a questionable decision. Gutman is totally fucked at WR. Kendall Wright seems to have a connection with Mariota, but I think Gutman's high school team could put up 30 points on Tampa, so that remains to be seen. At the other slot, you had a tough decision, but Malcom Floyd is never the answer. In situations like this, you need to start the guy with the highest upside. Great job picking up Jones. Too bad you were too much of a pussy to use him.
Week 1 (and Overall) Hot Potato: Donnie - 69.1
Week 1 Scoring Leader: Esco - 138
We only have two matchups of teams that won last week, and it's shockingly Alan vs. Bennett and Barnard vs. Esco. Seeing as the winner of those matchups will be looking pretty good at 2-0, I need to feature one of them, which is pretty much the opposite of Sophie's Choice. I was comparatively nice to Barnard earlier, so I'll give him an early wedding gift and talk about him some more
Week 2 Preview: Barnard (1-0) vs. Esco (1-0)
QB: Esco's gamble on Brady paid off in a big way last week, but things could change quickly in Week 2. Since the dawn of time, the way to get Brady to play poorly is to make him move his feet, and Buffalo blitzed the shit out of Luck last week. The Pats O-Line isn't great, so I wouldn't expect another 20+ points from Tom. However, you're going up against the biggest QB clusterfuck in the league, so even if Carson has a good day against the Bears, I would expect both Kaepernick and Mariota to outscore him, as Barnard will never pick the right QB. Edge: Esco.
RB: Until Barnard gets Bell back (and potentially after that), he automatically loses this category, but we can't gloss over Esco's RB situation. I've been an Ivory fan for years, but I wasn't high on Forte this year, and thought Abdullah would take few weeks to win the job, but things look different now. Forte was Chicago's entire offense, and even if that offense isn't great, it still means lots of fantasy points. As for Abdullah, he looks extremely legit. With Blount and Mathews on his bench, Esco has the deepest stable of RBs in the league. Big Edge: Esco.
WR: Hilton's injury is definitely unfortunate for the Nard Dog, but Watkins should bounce back after being completely shut down by Vontae Davis. I would assume the trio of Fitz/Marshall/Watkins will technically outscore Hopkins and VJax, but there's only one stud here. Ryan Mallet must think that Hopkins looks like his Meth dealer, because he only throws the ball that way. Slight Edge: Esco.
TE: I'm going to pretend that the Chiefs didn't already play, and talk about how absurdly good Kelce looked last week. With a competent QB, Kelce could be the next Gronk, minus all the weird shit. He was the focus of Denver's D last night, and didn't find the endzone, but he's still better than Charles Clay. Big Edge: Barnard.
D/ST: I'll cover the Broncos D in a minute, but most of the time this decision will be based on matchups. Houston is playing a Panthers team relying on Ted Ginn and Jericho Cotchery, and they also have J.J. Watt. STL is going up against human turnover machine Kirk Cousins and has Aaron Donald, the scariest man in the NFL not named Watt. Barring a defensive TD, I think this will be close, but I'll give it to the best front four in the league. Slight Edge: Esco.
Verdict: With his perpetual depth, the weakest time of the year for Esco's teams is usually September. If he gets off to a hot start, I fully expect him to get a bye, which is no bueno for the rest of us. If he was a nice guy, he would give Barnard a win as a wedding gift, but we all know who we're talking about. Winner: Esco.
2015 Record: 0-1
Best Pickup of the Week: Chris Johnson for $41 by BAM. Not a lot of great value on the waiver wire this week, but CJ?K is the starter for at least the next couple of weeks in Arizona, potentially longer given that Andre Ellington is not good at football even when he's healthy. This type of situation usually costs upwards of $70 in auctions, so I'm calling $41 a value, even if CJ plays like he has for the last few years. More starting RBs is never a bad thing, especially when it comes to trades.
Worst Pickup of the Week: Broncos D for $21 by Esco. No backup defense is worth over 10% of our season-long budget, I don't care if it's the '85 Bears. I had this written before the game last night, and even though they put up 20, I stand by it. You're also the early front-runner for "Worst Benching of Week 2" because YOU DIDN'T EVEN START THEM! Honorable mention to Barnard spending $8 on his 3rd QB in a league that only starts one.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Week 1 Preview
I said that I'd be back this year as FALAFEL's resident blogger, but what I didn't mention is that our beloved CPP is not coming back with me. I know that you're all wildly depressed, but it turns out that maintaining a borderline useless statistic is more time consuming than it's worth. Instead, I'll use this space to recap the best matchup(s) of the previous week, as well as preview the big games in the upcoming week. This does create the possibility that I won't discuss someone's team throughout the entire season, if they aren't a part of any big games, but I'm sure I'll find ways to work Barnard into the discussion in other ways.
With no other scientific way of determining the biggest game of the week, I'll go by the closest/highest scoring prediction by our friends at ESPN.
Week 1 Preview: Donny vs. Joseph
QB: This matchup includes some of the biggest names in the game, and brings with it a huge range of outcomes. That starts at the QB position, with a supposedly 100% Peyton Manning taking on a supposedly 100% Sam Bradford. Bradford has the better matchup, but Peyton put up 7 TDs on opening day against Baltimore two years ago. Things have changed since then, but not enough for me to pick against Peyton. Cut that meat. Edge: Donny
RB: If Arian was healthy, this would be close. If Arian was healthy, he also wouldn't have gone for as cheap in the draft. And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Marshawn is the obvious big name here, but Isaiah Crowell just got a boost with the trade of Terrance West. Until Duke Johnson gets up to speed, I like Donny's RB combo as much as most in the league. As for Nick, I'm sure that Yeldon and Gordon will have great careers, but in their first NFL games, my hopes aren't too high. Edge: Donny
WR: This is Nick's bread and butter. Dez, Julio and Andre will take down any WR trio in the league, and that includes his holiness Odell Beckham. Donny's only hope here is that a banged up Roddy can capitalize on Julio's double teams. I don't like those odds. Big Edge: Joseph
TE: Not a lot to like here. Whoever scores likely wins. I'll take Larry. Slight Edge: Donny
D/ST: Two solid defenses playing two great offenses. Home field advantage tips it in Zona's favor. Slight Edge: Joseph
Verdict: If Crowell can seize control of the carries in Cleveland and Roddy can stay healthy, then I think Donny is a playoff team. This is his first step. Winner: Donny
Next week I'll have more content, but not a lot has changed since the draft. Until then we can all appreciate the lineup that Barnard is trotting out this week. Zac Stacy!
With no other scientific way of determining the biggest game of the week, I'll go by the closest/highest scoring prediction by our friends at ESPN.
Week 1 Preview: Donny vs. Joseph
QB: This matchup includes some of the biggest names in the game, and brings with it a huge range of outcomes. That starts at the QB position, with a supposedly 100% Peyton Manning taking on a supposedly 100% Sam Bradford. Bradford has the better matchup, but Peyton put up 7 TDs on opening day against Baltimore two years ago. Things have changed since then, but not enough for me to pick against Peyton. Cut that meat. Edge: Donny
RB: If Arian was healthy, this would be close. If Arian was healthy, he also wouldn't have gone for as cheap in the draft. And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Marshawn is the obvious big name here, but Isaiah Crowell just got a boost with the trade of Terrance West. Until Duke Johnson gets up to speed, I like Donny's RB combo as much as most in the league. As for Nick, I'm sure that Yeldon and Gordon will have great careers, but in their first NFL games, my hopes aren't too high. Edge: Donny
WR: This is Nick's bread and butter. Dez, Julio and Andre will take down any WR trio in the league, and that includes his holiness Odell Beckham. Donny's only hope here is that a banged up Roddy can capitalize on Julio's double teams. I don't like those odds. Big Edge: Joseph
TE: Not a lot to like here. Whoever scores likely wins. I'll take Larry. Slight Edge: Donny
D/ST: Two solid defenses playing two great offenses. Home field advantage tips it in Zona's favor. Slight Edge: Joseph
Verdict: If Crowell can seize control of the carries in Cleveland and Roddy can stay healthy, then I think Donny is a playoff team. This is his first step. Winner: Donny
Next week I'll have more content, but not a lot has changed since the draft. Until then we can all appreciate the lineup that Barnard is trotting out this week. Zac Stacy!
Friday, September 4, 2015
2015 Draft Recap: You're In Carcosa Now
My hands stopped shaking on Tuesday, and I stopped walking with a limp on Thursday, so I think I can safely say I'm now recovered from New Orleans. It's been said over and over, but amazing job planning by the Adams and amazing job not showing up by Barnard. That was definitely a draft to remember, and one that I actually remember more than 50% of, which is a first.
And now, after taking a year off for nuptial duties, I'm back with my annual Draft Recap gimmick: assigning quotes to people and teams that are somewhat relevant to where we just drafted. Four years ago it was The Hangover for Vegas, followed by country music lyrics for Nashville, and then Forrest Gump quotes for Savannah. This year I was surprised at the relative lack of movies set in New Orleans. There are scenes from a lot of movies that were filmed in NOLA, but most of them are thrillers, like The Pelican Brief and Runaway Jury, which doesn't really lend itself to this exercise. The front runner is probably A Streetcar Named Desire, or just using jazz lyrics, but both of those are somewhat depressing.
So that leaves me with a show that didn't take place in The Big Easy at all, but was still full of that bayou flavor. And also full of McConaughey, which is always a good thing. Without further ado, our 2015 Draft Recap, set to quotes from Season One of True Detective.
Detective Rust Cohle: What do you think the average IQ of this group is, huh? Detective Martin Hart: Can you see Texas up there on your high horse? What do you know about these people? Detective Rust Cohle: Just observation and deduction. I see a propensity for obesity. Poverty. A yen for fairy tales. Folks puttin' what few bucks they do have into a little wicker basket being passed around. I think it's safe to say nobody here's gonna be splitting the atom, Marty.
This quote goes to all of the non-league members at the draft. Woods, Katz, Frink, ARy, Kallman and Marco (and Ivan), I appreciate your dedication of sitting in a college bar for 4 hours playing shuffleboard, but I also pity you for not coming up with literally anything else to do during that time. That said, the more the merrier at these events, and for the most part your presence was appreciated. But none of you are gonna be splitting the atom.
Detective Martin Hart: Do you wonder ever if you're a bad man?
Detective Rust Cohle: No. I don't wonder, Marty. World needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door.
This goes to our commissioner and resident asshole, Joseph. The world needs bad men and this league needs an asshole. It's not going to be nearly as enjoyable to hear Nick's rants when he doesn't have a team in the hunt. That would be like Lowe making fun of Barnard's RB situation. You want to be like Lowe, Nick? As for your team, I like the double barreled WR stud approach, as it worked well for me last year in terms of total points. However I still missed the playoffs, and I spent about $20 less on my guys last year. Combining that with $22 potentially lit on fire for Arian Foster, and I can easily see you starting 0-4. I like the Tannehill value though.
Detective Rust Cohle: Do I strike you as a talker or a doer, Steve?
This one-liner goes to last year's runner-up, Levine. I don't think he spoke one word during the entire draft, yet as usual he walked away with a very deep team. His collection of RBs likely won't scare anyone on their own, but if one of the Cowboys or Giants guys emerges as a stud, he's going to be competitive on a weekly basis. This is a playoff team for sure.
Detective Rust Cohle: This place is like somebody's memory of a town, and the memory is fading. It's like there was never anything here but jungle.
Detective Martin Hart: Stop saying shit like that. It's unprofessional.
Can't you just picture Billy and Marshall having this conversation? I don't know who is who, but it doesn't even really matter. Our most absurd team lived up to their billing last weekend, with Marshall consuming at least 72 raw oysters in 48 hours, and Billy projectile vomiting off a swamp tour boat. As for their team, in Billy's words, "Our strategy was to go big on runningbacks. Going big on quarterback was an impulse." I'm wary to ever bet against this team, and even after going all in on QB/RB, they have a pretty solid group of receivers to choose from, not to mention Greg Olsen, who could easily finish as TE2. This is playoff team #2.
Detective Rust Cohle: Can you get pills pretty easy?
[inhales deeply on cigarette]
Detective Rust Cohle: Relax, I want some.
Lucy: Speed?
Detective Rust Cohle: No! Quaaludes, anything barbital.
This goes to Z for obvious reasons, but also because he accidentally bought coke, which just an amazing sentence to type. That seems like something that should happen to Alan, not someone as... experienced as Z-Ball. Your team is three players deep, and one of those players lost his favorite weapon. If this was 2012, I'd say your team is a contender, but I just don't see a lot here outside of the top guys, despite great value on Colston and Steve Smith. $14 for Owen Daniels?!?
Detective Rust Cohle: I'd consider myself a realist, alright? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist.
Poor Gutman. If anyone else even had a slight internet connection issue, we paused the entire draft. Gutman spent 29% of his money on a Tight End, which is just absurd, and he was on autobid at the time. I've never known Gut to be a huge fan of his teams after the draft, but this one seems to be a new low. On the bright side, 16 games of Brady should definitely help, and I'm a big fan of the CJ/Forsett/Blue trio at RB. On the down side, Malcom Floyd and Kendall Wright are your starting WRs, and you spent $58 on a Tight End.
Detective Martin Hart: Shit, man, look, I've noticed you have a tendency toward myopia, tunnel vision... blows investigations... vision skews, twists evidence. You're... You're obsessive.
Detective Rust Cohle: You're obsessive too, just not about the job.
Detective Martin Hart: Not me, brother. I keep things... even, separate. Like the way I can have just one beer without needing 20.
Detective Rust Cohle: People incapable of guilt usually do have a good time.
This exchange goes to the Bennett/Mejia duo, which clearly needs a nickname. I have to say, I thoroughly and surprisingly enjoyed hanging out with a wasted Bennett in NOLA. I don't think I even spoke to him when he was sober, but Wasted Bennett is a good guy, get to know him. As for Mejia, his $2 bid on Green Bay's defense when they already had a D was a microcosm of what it's like to have Mejia involved in anything. Your team is silly deep at receiver, which could make us trade partners in the future, but lacking at RB and TE. Regardless, considering you were each 5 shots deep before the draft started, and starting out at an already low level of fantasy competence, I don't hate your team.
Detective Rust Cohle: Life's barely long enough to get good at one thing. So be careful what you get good at.
This goes to Donny, and is actually not in reference to his quoting ability. Well it is in reference to that, but it's also in reference to his buyer's remorse over spending $30 on Peyton. It's always nice to have Peyton on your team, but it comes at a price. And that price is having to start Isaiah Crowell at RB2 and Roddy at your Flex. Marshawn will be a no doubt stud, but you're putting a lot of faith in the health of Peyton and your lord and savior Odell Beckham. Good luck.
Detective Ani Bezzerides: I don't know...I mean can I say? I just really like big dicks. No, it's not just length. Everyone's always talking length. But, I mean that's fine. I mean...girth too. I really want to have trouble handcuffing the thing.
This goes to Barnard for so many reasons. One, I mean, come on. Two, he wasn't in NOLA, so he doesn't get a NOLA quote. Three, no one liked True Detective Season Two. But most importantly, he really does have trouble handcuffing. Your RB situation is already sub-par even when Bell is playing, but you basically punted the first two games of the season. Outside of RB, I like TY Hilton, but other than that, it's basically the Barnard equivalent of a fantasy team. Don't show Alexis your roster, or the wedding may be called off.
Detective Rust Cohle: Are you watching me sleep?
Detective Marty Hart: You know what, I just got here. I was gonna leave, but then you woke up. Jesus, what's your fucking problem.
Detective Rust Cohle: Nothing much of a problem.
Detective Marty Hart: Not a care in the world.
This exchange goes to our champs, who not only most likely watch each other sleep, but also currently have two chef coats and not a care in the world. This in until the season starts, because outside of Lacy, this team is the definition of meh. There's some nice lotto tickets here with Bryant, Funchess and Cobb, but it would require more than one of those to hit for you to repeat. At least you have the most expensive kicker and defense! And the aforementioned chef coats, which may well have been the peak of your lives.
Detective Rust Cohle: I'm not supposed to be here.
Detective Marty Hart: Yea... well, I'll come back by tomorrow buddy.
Detective Rust Cohle: Why?
Detective Marty Hart: Don't ever change man.
This goes to Alan, who has repeatedly tried to leave the league as well, just so we'll beg him to stay, and he can sheepishly accept our request. Everyone knows he won't leave, but the first ever Stevens Bowl Champ refuses to change. Also, in NOLA he didn't change his shirt, so this is doubly appropriate. Your team is interesting. It seems like your sole purpose was to fuck over Barnard, and to that I tip my cap to you sir. But once his RBs are playing, that means yours are not. I think we can all appreciate falling on the sword to prevent Barnard's success, but you may have taken it to an extreme. Rodgers/Graham/Antonio will win you some weeks by themselves, but if any of them falters, you're probably going to lose.
Detective Rust Cohle: Well, I can't say the job made me this way. More like bein' this way made me right for the job. I used to think about it more, but you reach a certain age, you know who you are. Now, I live in a little room out in the country behind a bar... work four nights a week... in between I drink. And there ain't nobody there to stop me. I know who I am. And after all these years, there's a... victory in that.
For as long as I can remember, Esco has drafted the same way. Never splurging on a top-tier stud, and then raking up all the $15 players he wants while the rest of us are out of money. It won him a chef's coat two years ago, and put him in last place last year. That's a pretty huge range of outcomes, but he is who he is. This year he mini-splurged on Forte, then hung back and pulled in four RBs, Torrey Smith, and as it turns out, Tom Brady, at huge bargains. RB2 and Flex are going to be tough decisions each week, but I think this is another playoff team.
Detective Rust Cohle: He ain't gonna talk with you.
Detective Marty Hart: I got a car battery and two jumper cables argue different.
The line that sounds most like it would be spoken by Vin Diesel obviously goes to Ajay. Honestly, this is my second favorite team. Starting lineup is loaded outside of TE and maaaybe QB, but there's talent there as well. No team is perfect in a 14-team league, but this is a team that will be favored to win most matchups.
Rustin Cohle: Days with nothing... that's what it's like when you work cases. Days like lost dogs.
This goes to Weissbard, who, as FALAFEL's preeminent gamer, has likely "lost" more days than the rest of us combined. And knowing him, he has no regrets. When it comes to his team, however, he may regret spending that much on AP and Cobb, but definitely on Latavius Murray. His bench can't even really be called a bunch of lotto tickets because at least lotto tickets have a chance of winning. I tend to hate on Dan's teams each year, and while he proved me wrong last year, he has a pretty solid track record of coming up short. (Honestly no pun intended, but when I was re-reading this before posting, I laughed)
Detective Rust Cohle: I'm the person least in the need of counseling in this entire fucking state.
I'm giving the last, and cockiest, quote to myself. If I talk shit in this league, it's usually just ripping on other people's teams or personalities, without ever saying anything positive about myself. But I think right now I'm a clear playoff team, and if a third party was betting on who would get a coat this year, it would be me. I'm not claiming to be dominant across the board, but I think only Ajay can compete with my starters, and considering I have 1-2 more starting RBs than anyone else, and currently 3 more than Barnard, I think I'm as set up for success as I've ever been.
So assuming it comes down to me and Ajay in the Stevens Bowl, I'll let Mr. McConaughey himself make an early prediction:
Detective Rust Cohle: Once there was only dark. You ask me, the light's winning.
And now, after taking a year off for nuptial duties, I'm back with my annual Draft Recap gimmick: assigning quotes to people and teams that are somewhat relevant to where we just drafted. Four years ago it was The Hangover for Vegas, followed by country music lyrics for Nashville, and then Forrest Gump quotes for Savannah. This year I was surprised at the relative lack of movies set in New Orleans. There are scenes from a lot of movies that were filmed in NOLA, but most of them are thrillers, like The Pelican Brief and Runaway Jury, which doesn't really lend itself to this exercise. The front runner is probably A Streetcar Named Desire, or just using jazz lyrics, but both of those are somewhat depressing.
So that leaves me with a show that didn't take place in The Big Easy at all, but was still full of that bayou flavor. And also full of McConaughey, which is always a good thing. Without further ado, our 2015 Draft Recap, set to quotes from Season One of True Detective.
Detective Rust Cohle: What do you think the average IQ of this group is, huh? Detective Martin Hart: Can you see Texas up there on your high horse? What do you know about these people? Detective Rust Cohle: Just observation and deduction. I see a propensity for obesity. Poverty. A yen for fairy tales. Folks puttin' what few bucks they do have into a little wicker basket being passed around. I think it's safe to say nobody here's gonna be splitting the atom, Marty.
This quote goes to all of the non-league members at the draft. Woods, Katz, Frink, ARy, Kallman and Marco (and Ivan), I appreciate your dedication of sitting in a college bar for 4 hours playing shuffleboard, but I also pity you for not coming up with literally anything else to do during that time. That said, the more the merrier at these events, and for the most part your presence was appreciated. But none of you are gonna be splitting the atom.
Detective Martin Hart: Do you wonder ever if you're a bad man?
Detective Rust Cohle: No. I don't wonder, Marty. World needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door.
This goes to our commissioner and resident asshole, Joseph. The world needs bad men and this league needs an asshole. It's not going to be nearly as enjoyable to hear Nick's rants when he doesn't have a team in the hunt. That would be like Lowe making fun of Barnard's RB situation. You want to be like Lowe, Nick? As for your team, I like the double barreled WR stud approach, as it worked well for me last year in terms of total points. However I still missed the playoffs, and I spent about $20 less on my guys last year. Combining that with $22 potentially lit on fire for Arian Foster, and I can easily see you starting 0-4. I like the Tannehill value though.
Detective Rust Cohle: Do I strike you as a talker or a doer, Steve?
This one-liner goes to last year's runner-up, Levine. I don't think he spoke one word during the entire draft, yet as usual he walked away with a very deep team. His collection of RBs likely won't scare anyone on their own, but if one of the Cowboys or Giants guys emerges as a stud, he's going to be competitive on a weekly basis. This is a playoff team for sure.
Detective Rust Cohle: This place is like somebody's memory of a town, and the memory is fading. It's like there was never anything here but jungle.
Detective Martin Hart: Stop saying shit like that. It's unprofessional.
Can't you just picture Billy and Marshall having this conversation? I don't know who is who, but it doesn't even really matter. Our most absurd team lived up to their billing last weekend, with Marshall consuming at least 72 raw oysters in 48 hours, and Billy projectile vomiting off a swamp tour boat. As for their team, in Billy's words, "Our strategy was to go big on runningbacks. Going big on quarterback was an impulse." I'm wary to ever bet against this team, and even after going all in on QB/RB, they have a pretty solid group of receivers to choose from, not to mention Greg Olsen, who could easily finish as TE2. This is playoff team #2.
Detective Rust Cohle: Can you get pills pretty easy?
[inhales deeply on cigarette]
Detective Rust Cohle: Relax, I want some.
Lucy: Speed?
Detective Rust Cohle: No! Quaaludes, anything barbital.
This goes to Z for obvious reasons, but also because he accidentally bought coke, which just an amazing sentence to type. That seems like something that should happen to Alan, not someone as... experienced as Z-Ball. Your team is three players deep, and one of those players lost his favorite weapon. If this was 2012, I'd say your team is a contender, but I just don't see a lot here outside of the top guys, despite great value on Colston and Steve Smith. $14 for Owen Daniels?!?
Detective Rust Cohle: I'd consider myself a realist, alright? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist.
Poor Gutman. If anyone else even had a slight internet connection issue, we paused the entire draft. Gutman spent 29% of his money on a Tight End, which is just absurd, and he was on autobid at the time. I've never known Gut to be a huge fan of his teams after the draft, but this one seems to be a new low. On the bright side, 16 games of Brady should definitely help, and I'm a big fan of the CJ/Forsett/Blue trio at RB. On the down side, Malcom Floyd and Kendall Wright are your starting WRs, and you spent $58 on a Tight End.
Detective Martin Hart: Shit, man, look, I've noticed you have a tendency toward myopia, tunnel vision... blows investigations... vision skews, twists evidence. You're... You're obsessive.
Detective Rust Cohle: You're obsessive too, just not about the job.
Detective Martin Hart: Not me, brother. I keep things... even, separate. Like the way I can have just one beer without needing 20.
Detective Rust Cohle: People incapable of guilt usually do have a good time.
This exchange goes to the Bennett/Mejia duo, which clearly needs a nickname. I have to say, I thoroughly and surprisingly enjoyed hanging out with a wasted Bennett in NOLA. I don't think I even spoke to him when he was sober, but Wasted Bennett is a good guy, get to know him. As for Mejia, his $2 bid on Green Bay's defense when they already had a D was a microcosm of what it's like to have Mejia involved in anything. Your team is silly deep at receiver, which could make us trade partners in the future, but lacking at RB and TE. Regardless, considering you were each 5 shots deep before the draft started, and starting out at an already low level of fantasy competence, I don't hate your team.
Detective Rust Cohle: Life's barely long enough to get good at one thing. So be careful what you get good at.
This goes to Donny, and is actually not in reference to his quoting ability. Well it is in reference to that, but it's also in reference to his buyer's remorse over spending $30 on Peyton. It's always nice to have Peyton on your team, but it comes at a price. And that price is having to start Isaiah Crowell at RB2 and Roddy at your Flex. Marshawn will be a no doubt stud, but you're putting a lot of faith in the health of Peyton and your lord and savior Odell Beckham. Good luck.
Detective Ani Bezzerides: I don't know...I mean can I say? I just really like big dicks. No, it's not just length. Everyone's always talking length. But, I mean that's fine. I mean...girth too. I really want to have trouble handcuffing the thing.
This goes to Barnard for so many reasons. One, I mean, come on. Two, he wasn't in NOLA, so he doesn't get a NOLA quote. Three, no one liked True Detective Season Two. But most importantly, he really does have trouble handcuffing. Your RB situation is already sub-par even when Bell is playing, but you basically punted the first two games of the season. Outside of RB, I like TY Hilton, but other than that, it's basically the Barnard equivalent of a fantasy team. Don't show Alexis your roster, or the wedding may be called off.
Detective Rust Cohle: Are you watching me sleep?
Detective Marty Hart: You know what, I just got here. I was gonna leave, but then you woke up. Jesus, what's your fucking problem.
Detective Rust Cohle: Nothing much of a problem.
Detective Marty Hart: Not a care in the world.
This exchange goes to our champs, who not only most likely watch each other sleep, but also currently have two chef coats and not a care in the world. This in until the season starts, because outside of Lacy, this team is the definition of meh. There's some nice lotto tickets here with Bryant, Funchess and Cobb, but it would require more than one of those to hit for you to repeat. At least you have the most expensive kicker and defense! And the aforementioned chef coats, which may well have been the peak of your lives.
Detective Rust Cohle: I'm not supposed to be here.
Detective Marty Hart: Yea... well, I'll come back by tomorrow buddy.
Detective Rust Cohle: Why?
Detective Marty Hart: Don't ever change man.
This goes to Alan, who has repeatedly tried to leave the league as well, just so we'll beg him to stay, and he can sheepishly accept our request. Everyone knows he won't leave, but the first ever Stevens Bowl Champ refuses to change. Also, in NOLA he didn't change his shirt, so this is doubly appropriate. Your team is interesting. It seems like your sole purpose was to fuck over Barnard, and to that I tip my cap to you sir. But once his RBs are playing, that means yours are not. I think we can all appreciate falling on the sword to prevent Barnard's success, but you may have taken it to an extreme. Rodgers/Graham/Antonio will win you some weeks by themselves, but if any of them falters, you're probably going to lose.
Detective Rust Cohle: Well, I can't say the job made me this way. More like bein' this way made me right for the job. I used to think about it more, but you reach a certain age, you know who you are. Now, I live in a little room out in the country behind a bar... work four nights a week... in between I drink. And there ain't nobody there to stop me. I know who I am. And after all these years, there's a... victory in that.
For as long as I can remember, Esco has drafted the same way. Never splurging on a top-tier stud, and then raking up all the $15 players he wants while the rest of us are out of money. It won him a chef's coat two years ago, and put him in last place last year. That's a pretty huge range of outcomes, but he is who he is. This year he mini-splurged on Forte, then hung back and pulled in four RBs, Torrey Smith, and as it turns out, Tom Brady, at huge bargains. RB2 and Flex are going to be tough decisions each week, but I think this is another playoff team.
Detective Rust Cohle: He ain't gonna talk with you.
Detective Marty Hart: I got a car battery and two jumper cables argue different.
The line that sounds most like it would be spoken by Vin Diesel obviously goes to Ajay. Honestly, this is my second favorite team. Starting lineup is loaded outside of TE and maaaybe QB, but there's talent there as well. No team is perfect in a 14-team league, but this is a team that will be favored to win most matchups.
Rustin Cohle: Days with nothing... that's what it's like when you work cases. Days like lost dogs.
This goes to Weissbard, who, as FALAFEL's preeminent gamer, has likely "lost" more days than the rest of us combined. And knowing him, he has no regrets. When it comes to his team, however, he may regret spending that much on AP and Cobb, but definitely on Latavius Murray. His bench can't even really be called a bunch of lotto tickets because at least lotto tickets have a chance of winning. I tend to hate on Dan's teams each year, and while he proved me wrong last year, he has a pretty solid track record of coming up short. (Honestly no pun intended, but when I was re-reading this before posting, I laughed)
Detective Rust Cohle: I'm the person least in the need of counseling in this entire fucking state.
I'm giving the last, and cockiest, quote to myself. If I talk shit in this league, it's usually just ripping on other people's teams or personalities, without ever saying anything positive about myself. But I think right now I'm a clear playoff team, and if a third party was betting on who would get a coat this year, it would be me. I'm not claiming to be dominant across the board, but I think only Ajay can compete with my starters, and considering I have 1-2 more starting RBs than anyone else, and currently 3 more than Barnard, I think I'm as set up for success as I've ever been.
So assuming it comes down to me and Ajay in the Stevens Bowl, I'll let Mr. McConaughey himself make an early prediction:
Detective Rust Cohle: Once there was only dark. You ask me, the light's winning.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
2015 Draft Preview
If it seems like it's been a long time since I've done one of these, that's because we're more than 2 years removed from my last draft preview. While that mainly reflects poorly on me, I also blame all of you personally for not giving me more fodder to write about. The most exciting things to happen in this league recently are Anson's insanely detailed thesis on how to pass a drug test, Marco attending the draft, and Frink emailing me. And none of those guys are even in the league!
So consider this the year of redemption. Both of my own ability to spend way to much time documenting our collective pursuit of a chef's coat, but also of our league returning to it's glory days. Barnard and Lowe aren't coming to the draft, so we're already off to a good start in terms of everyone's general enjoyment of life. And I have faith in NOLA as a host city, as well as the Adam-squared planning committee to ensure that we all have a memorable weekend.
Speaking of Belfer and his sidekick Reap, as you can tell from the new background image, we have a more eclectic reigning champion than usual. No offense to the former champs, but Esco isn't a great trash talker, Ajay probably sent one email and got lazy, Billy isn't even aware that he won, Donny auto-drafted, and no one is even aware that Alan won. Okay, maybe a little offense to the former champs (cue the "Where's your Chef Coat?" emails), but I have some high expectations for AGD's listserve game this year.
So while all of us spend the next few days frantically googling Jeff Janis and thinking about if Reggie Wayne is washed up or not, I'll do my Second (Kind Of) Annual Division Mock Draft. As a refresher:
So consider this the year of redemption. Both of my own ability to spend way to much time documenting our collective pursuit of a chef's coat, but also of our league returning to it's glory days. Barnard and Lowe aren't coming to the draft, so we're already off to a good start in terms of everyone's general enjoyment of life. And I have faith in NOLA as a host city, as well as the Adam-squared planning committee to ensure that we all have a memorable weekend.
Speaking of Belfer and his sidekick Reap, as you can tell from the new background image, we have a more eclectic reigning champion than usual. No offense to the former champs, but Esco isn't a great trash talker, Ajay probably sent one email and got lazy, Billy isn't even aware that he won, Donny auto-drafted, and no one is even aware that Alan won. Okay, maybe a little offense to the former champs (cue the "Where's your Chef Coat?" emails), but I have some high expectations for AGD's listserve game this year.
So while all of us spend the next few days frantically googling Jeff Janis and thinking about if Reggie Wayne is washed up or not, I'll do my Second (Kind Of) Annual Division Mock Draft. As a refresher:
- The Stevens Bowl Champ(s), Stevens Bowl Runner-Up, and Rogers Bowl Winner are the Division Captains. This year that's AGD, Levine and Barnard. I'm of the opinion that you need to be at the draft to be a Captain, and if the rest of the league agrees with me (which is obviously going to happen), then Weissbard gets the third spot.
- The Division Captains are responsible for naming their divisions before Week 1 and can change the names at any time.
- The Division Captains will pick their divisions in non-Snake format.
- The Stevens Bowl Champs, AGD, will have the choice of picking first, second or third, followed by Levine, and Barnard/Weissbard gets whatever is left. First pick gives you the first crack at the weakest competition, but also puts you in a five-person division, limiting your playoff odds if all teams are theoretically created equal. Second pick is similar, while third pick gives you the last pick in the each round, but also gives you a four-person division.
- After Week 13, whoever is in first place in each division is guaranteed a playoff spot. Byes will still go to the teams with the two best records overall. The only way this does not occur is if a division winner is in 6th place or worst in terms of overall points, while a top-3 point scorer does not make the playoffs. In this case, the division winner is booted from the playoffs in favor of the top-3 scorer.
I'm assuming that 1) AGD takes the 4-person division, 2) Levine takes first pick, 3) we vote to give Weissbard Barnard's captainship.
1. Levine takes Alan. The obvious pick here would have been Weissbard, but with him likely getting bumped up, everything changes. Alan has known nothing but pain since his Stevens Bowl, which was his only winning season in this hallowed league.
2. Weissbard takes Gutman. Technically, Bennett has a worse overall record, and is also Bennett, but with Mejia in the mix in an undetermined split of responsibilities, I'll go for the safe pick here.
3. AGD takes Bennett. Given their prior success, AGD doesn't need to be scared of Mejia. Additionally, the potential for a three-duo division is on the table, which would make for some great division names.
4. Levine takes Kumpf. After spearheading the "Call him Kimmel" movement for an entire season, Levine has been biding his time for revenge. That and he doesn't want to be alone with Alan, as the awkwardness is already overwhelming.
5. Weissbard takes Barnard. This may be considered a reach due to Barnard's extremely modest success in the past, but after already taking his captainship, Weiss can't resist humiliating Barnard again.
6. AGD takes Donaldson. His overall record is bolstered by some auto-drafted seasons, but The Don does have the fifth best record of anyone. AGD will gamble that his 4-9 2014 season was a sign of things to come.
7. Levine takes Zacherman. Z's wholly unsurprising drop down the draft board is Levine's benefit, as his division's winning percentage primed to be the lowest in the league. Unfortunately he drags it down as well.
8. Weissbard takes Ajay. The range of outcomes in Weiss's division is already quite large, and Ajay's sobriety at the draft is worth gambling on.
9. AGD takes BAM. The dream comes true! All three duos are in the same division with Donny, who allegedly shares ownership of his team with Rodney Hampton.
10. Levine takes Joseph. In a twist, Levine thinks that Joseph's lawyer workload will weigh him down more than Esco's internal disappointment with finishing last in 2014.
11. Weissbard takes Esco. He can only blame himself, but somehow Weiss went from usurping a division captainship, to landing himself the toughest division. That's so Weissbard.
See you all on Thursday.
Monday, January 12, 2015
FALAFEL 2014 Season Recap
Although I feel like I've apologized and been punished enough for my lack of active participation this year, I want to reiterate that while I regret nothing (other than handing AGD the Stevens Bowl with the Jeremy Hill for Jermaine Kearse trade), I wish I could have juggled my real-life and fantasy-life a bit better in 2014. But before we write this season off, I'd like to offer my Monday Morning Quarterback thoughts on each of your teams, seasons, and you as people. Consider this your CPP fix for 2014.
(Teams are ranked based on points scored in the regular season, which, if you haven't noticed, has an extremely strong correlation with CPP. Also, I haven't kept up my CPP spreadsheet this year, and ranking teams by wins just seems like a waste of time)
1. AGD - 1374.5 Points Scored
Congrats to you guys on an impressive season where you had the best record, most overall points, and won the Stevens Bowl. On top of all that, you eliminated Barnard in the most heartbreaking way possible, which had to give you extra karma points heading into the Stevens Bowl. I still can't get over the fact that you started Shonn Greene with the Chef Coat on the line, but it somehow paid off. During the season, you had big-name trades that landed you Calvin and Graham, but neither of them actually panned out as well as you guys probably hoped, especially in the playoffs. The aforementioned Hill for Kearse trade, as well as Russell Wilson's absurd play, won you your first coat, which I'm sure wasn't your gameplan after the draft.
Speaking of our trophy, I assume we're all in agreement that despite having co-owners as champs, they only get one coat. Outside of the obvious $2 per person price increase, it will be extremely entertaining to watch these two draft while both wearing the coat next year.
And before moving on from the champs, while I was updating the FALAFEL record books, I realized that in the 6 years that this league has been in its post-Cortesian form, we've had 6 different champs. But that doesn't necessarily mean we've had parity. If we consider Lutz-owned teams to be the same, we've only had 7 different teams make it to the Stevens Bowl, as 4 of our 6 champs have lost a different Stevens Bowl. Another fun fact: Stevens Bowl champs make up 6 of the top 8 spots in our historical winning percentages. The only two top 8 teams to not win (or even make) a Stevens Bowl are Joseph and Barnard. And in "one of these things is not like the other" news, Alan has by far the lowest career winning percentage from a Stevens Bowl champ.
Alright, enough of that.
2. Levine - 1335.7 Points Scored
Talk about a turnaround. In his inaugural year, the Kimmel stink had Levine below the dreaded Long-Line (.346 winning percentage), but he rattled off an impressive sophomore year that saw him come within 22 points of getting a Chef Coat. Outside of a nice draft that gave you Brady, Murray and Foster, trades are what really put you over the top. The only thing that makes me feel better about the Jeremy Hill trade is that Nick gave you Antonio Brown and Jesus Chr... Odell Beckham in the same trade. It wasn't quite a raping, but it sure looks good for you in hindsight. Your other trades, while not as spectacular, were all strategic and defensible, which is all you can really ask for. Even though you fell short this year, you have my respect as a fantasy owner, something that Barnard would sacrifice his friendship to Alan to attain.
3. Weissbard - 1305.1 Points Scored
I look at your team and I don't see how you had the third most points. Julius obviously helped you early on, but you cut bait on him at about the right time, and the Luck upgrade proved to be huge. I'd say that your record was lucky because you faced the easiest schedule in the league, but the scoreboard don't lie. I'm not sure if it was starting the right players at the right time, or if it was just a weird year, but history has told us that you're more like the team that couldn't hit 65 points in consecutive playoff games than the one who broke 130 points twice. I'm calling for some Weissbard regression in 2015.
4. Gutman - 1278.3 Points Scored
I was obviously not paying as close of attention as usual this year, but I feel like Gutman's team was never a serious threat to win it all. The big trade with Esco early in the season combined with the Justin Forsett bid gave you your most successful campaign since our inaugural season, so that's nice. It didn't backfire like I thought it would, but giving up both Titans RBs for Malcom Floyd is still a dumb decision. But really I can't complain about a roster that ends with top 25 contributors at every position. A lot of them shat the bed in your first round loss, but you made it there and that's better than life has been for you since you were still being called the Prez.
5. Barnard - 1247.3 Points Scored
While it likely would have made me happier to see you not even make the playoffs after your hot start, losing by 2 yards in garbage time was a nice consolation prize. I honestly liked the way you handled your season from start to finish, other than dropping Romo of course. You got a little bit lucky on the Golden Tate/Tre Mason trades panning out as well as they did, but I can't complain about buying low on Gordon/Trent while selling high on Steve Smith after you banked a few wins. If it's any consolation, if you had beaten AGD, and updated your roster for the Stevens Bowl, you would have beaten Levine. So you have that to think about all year.
6. Kumpf - 1226.4 Points Scored
You've already read my sob story about ridiculous losses, so I won't bore you with those again. But I will point out that my team averaged over 110 points per game in the playoff weeks without me updating my roster. It's going to take awhile to get over this season.
7. Ajay - 1225.9 Points Scored
It was a pretty quiet year for Ajay, who finished the year with one of the better rosters in our league. Giving up Golden Tate early on ended up hurting more than you would have thought, but you used Floyd to eventually pull in Dez, so I'd call that a break-even at worst. It seems like Ajay's issue was that, outside of an absurd Week 10, his players never really had good weeks at the same time. Some years just turn out that way, but it doesn't mean you need to go back to the drawing board.
8. BAM - 1201.4 Points Scored
This was the team to out-perform their point total by the most in 2014, somehow pulling an 8-5 record from the 8th most points. All of this despite an abject unwillingness to make any trades at all, which you would think would have the opposite effect on their karma. Looking at their roster, they honestly just drafted pretty well for the second year in a row. Not as dominant as their two-headed RB monster from last year, but there are no glaring holes on that team. Draft skill has proven difficult to repeat year-after-year, so 2015 may need to be the year that these two actually have to make a trade to continue their run of playoff appearances.
9. Joseph - 1143.0 Points Scored
With this point total, he shouldn't really have been a Tannehill completion away from a playoff spot, but it was a weird year. In terms of trades, the Tre Mason move backfired immediately, but likely wouldn't have affected the playoffs. The other trade may well have torpedoed Nick's chances. Trading away ODB and Antonio Brown, likely two of the top five WRs drafted next season, while only recouping two lesser (albeit solid) receivers and a lotto ticket at RB doesn't make a lot of sense. Desperation aside, unless he thought Sankey was on the verge of a breakout, this trade kept our Commish home in December, watching ODB's brilliance from afar.
10. Bennett - 1139.6 Points Scored
On Halloween, Bennett traded Mike Evans, Larry Fitzgerald and Joseph Randle to Levine for Andrew Hawkins, Jonas Gray and Shonn Greene. The next week, Gray scored 44.1 points on Bennett's bench. That pretty much sums up his season right there. Bennett actually had some good pickups with Romo and Sanu, and he won Week 11 without Gray anyway, but none of that was enough to overcome the general mediocrity that is his team and his life.
11. Alan - 1037.5 Points Scored
The fact that Alan isn't in the bottom three after losing AP after Week 1, and generally fielding a worse roster than the Knicks right now, is honestly impressive. His final roster didn't even pull in $100 in the draft, and they only break $50 because Weissbard for some reason though Montee Ball was good at football. Alan made some good moves in giving up Luck and Julius Thomas for some depth in separate trades, but I can't ever be a fan of trading away Dez for Michael Floyd and Matt Asiata. Regardless, you kept fighting Alan, finishing above the three pathetic souls I'm about to discuss, and you should be proud of that. That and what is by far the best Christmas Card I've ever received.
12. Esco - 1025.1 Points Scored
A wise man once said, "If you ain't first, you're last." Esco took that literally this year, going from Stevens Bowl Champ to ripping 7 shots an hour before next year's draft (Luke Lill Champ? We need a name for this honor.). I tend to trust Esco's strategy during the draft, but this year he came away with more depth than usual, and no one who could really carry his team if he needed it. Some years, that's good enough, but this was not that year. To his credit, Esco was pretty active early-on in the trade market (and would have been higher than 12th in old-school CPP), but the best player he brought onto his team was a choice between Mark Ingram, an banged-up Jimmy Graham and Kelvin Benjamin. Not exactly the 2014 All-Pro Team. Like Ajay, I think you got some bad luck this year, but that doesn't mean you should change your draft approach. You know, other than being 7-deep next year.
13. Zacherman - 1024.1 Points Scored
Ending the season at 5-8, with the second least points scored, and three Jets on your roster is pretty depressing, but why didn't you make a trade? In this league, when you start 0-3, it's almost mandatory to make some sort of move, yet you did nothing. That's my biggest complaint with your season. There's nothing you can do about Brees, Desean, Percy and VJax underachieving in the same season, but flipping two of them for some depth would have made sense. Also, since your Stevens Bowl loss, you've gone 6-7 and then three straight years of 5-8, and if you remove your 12-1 season, you have the lowest winning percentage of anyone not named Long or Kimmel. We have a darkhorse for the first pick in the division draft next year!
14. Donaldson - 1004.8 Points Scored
Donny very nearly missed the 1000 point mark on the season, which is sad in an of itself, but I also remember leaving the draft thinking he had one of the strongest teams. The combination of Peyton and Calvin could easily have averaged over 40 points per game, and the supporting cast was good enough to think that Donny was in store for a return to the playoffs. Alas, it was not to be. Injuries and subpar play from pretty much everyone besides and eventually including Peyton derailed this season before it could even get started. Next year might be different though. Prior to this season, Donny had only one season below .500, and even after a 4-9 record, he remains in the top 5 by overall record.
That covers everyone, but before I go, I want to include an excerpt from an email I received from our eventual Champs during the week leading up to the Stevens Bowl:
"Although I'm a few months late, I realize I never congratulated you on being a married man. Me and Reap are very proud of your accomplishments and maturity. It seems like just yesterday you were one with the mold in the crowsnest. Thank you for humbling insults of our questionable flex start...we know as the next generation of FIJI FALAFEL, we bring an exciting vitality to the league that intimidates some older members (there comes a time where the great Tom Brady must step down for Russell Wilson).
(Teams are ranked based on points scored in the regular season, which, if you haven't noticed, has an extremely strong correlation with CPP. Also, I haven't kept up my CPP spreadsheet this year, and ranking teams by wins just seems like a waste of time)
1. AGD - 1374.5 Points Scored
Congrats to you guys on an impressive season where you had the best record, most overall points, and won the Stevens Bowl. On top of all that, you eliminated Barnard in the most heartbreaking way possible, which had to give you extra karma points heading into the Stevens Bowl. I still can't get over the fact that you started Shonn Greene with the Chef Coat on the line, but it somehow paid off. During the season, you had big-name trades that landed you Calvin and Graham, but neither of them actually panned out as well as you guys probably hoped, especially in the playoffs. The aforementioned Hill for Kearse trade, as well as Russell Wilson's absurd play, won you your first coat, which I'm sure wasn't your gameplan after the draft.
Speaking of our trophy, I assume we're all in agreement that despite having co-owners as champs, they only get one coat. Outside of the obvious $2 per person price increase, it will be extremely entertaining to watch these two draft while both wearing the coat next year.
And before moving on from the champs, while I was updating the FALAFEL record books, I realized that in the 6 years that this league has been in its post-Cortesian form, we've had 6 different champs. But that doesn't necessarily mean we've had parity. If we consider Lutz-owned teams to be the same, we've only had 7 different teams make it to the Stevens Bowl, as 4 of our 6 champs have lost a different Stevens Bowl. Another fun fact: Stevens Bowl champs make up 6 of the top 8 spots in our historical winning percentages. The only two top 8 teams to not win (or even make) a Stevens Bowl are Joseph and Barnard. And in "one of these things is not like the other" news, Alan has by far the lowest career winning percentage from a Stevens Bowl champ.
Alright, enough of that.
2. Levine - 1335.7 Points Scored
Talk about a turnaround. In his inaugural year, the Kimmel stink had Levine below the dreaded Long-Line (.346 winning percentage), but he rattled off an impressive sophomore year that saw him come within 22 points of getting a Chef Coat. Outside of a nice draft that gave you Brady, Murray and Foster, trades are what really put you over the top. The only thing that makes me feel better about the Jeremy Hill trade is that Nick gave you Antonio Brown and Jesus Chr... Odell Beckham in the same trade. It wasn't quite a raping, but it sure looks good for you in hindsight. Your other trades, while not as spectacular, were all strategic and defensible, which is all you can really ask for. Even though you fell short this year, you have my respect as a fantasy owner, something that Barnard would sacrifice his friendship to Alan to attain.
3. Weissbard - 1305.1 Points Scored
I look at your team and I don't see how you had the third most points. Julius obviously helped you early on, but you cut bait on him at about the right time, and the Luck upgrade proved to be huge. I'd say that your record was lucky because you faced the easiest schedule in the league, but the scoreboard don't lie. I'm not sure if it was starting the right players at the right time, or if it was just a weird year, but history has told us that you're more like the team that couldn't hit 65 points in consecutive playoff games than the one who broke 130 points twice. I'm calling for some Weissbard regression in 2015.
4. Gutman - 1278.3 Points Scored
I was obviously not paying as close of attention as usual this year, but I feel like Gutman's team was never a serious threat to win it all. The big trade with Esco early in the season combined with the Justin Forsett bid gave you your most successful campaign since our inaugural season, so that's nice. It didn't backfire like I thought it would, but giving up both Titans RBs for Malcom Floyd is still a dumb decision. But really I can't complain about a roster that ends with top 25 contributors at every position. A lot of them shat the bed in your first round loss, but you made it there and that's better than life has been for you since you were still being called the Prez.
5. Barnard - 1247.3 Points Scored
While it likely would have made me happier to see you not even make the playoffs after your hot start, losing by 2 yards in garbage time was a nice consolation prize. I honestly liked the way you handled your season from start to finish, other than dropping Romo of course. You got a little bit lucky on the Golden Tate/Tre Mason trades panning out as well as they did, but I can't complain about buying low on Gordon/Trent while selling high on Steve Smith after you banked a few wins. If it's any consolation, if you had beaten AGD, and updated your roster for the Stevens Bowl, you would have beaten Levine. So you have that to think about all year.
6. Kumpf - 1226.4 Points Scored
You've already read my sob story about ridiculous losses, so I won't bore you with those again. But I will point out that my team averaged over 110 points per game in the playoff weeks without me updating my roster. It's going to take awhile to get over this season.
7. Ajay - 1225.9 Points Scored
It was a pretty quiet year for Ajay, who finished the year with one of the better rosters in our league. Giving up Golden Tate early on ended up hurting more than you would have thought, but you used Floyd to eventually pull in Dez, so I'd call that a break-even at worst. It seems like Ajay's issue was that, outside of an absurd Week 10, his players never really had good weeks at the same time. Some years just turn out that way, but it doesn't mean you need to go back to the drawing board.
8. BAM - 1201.4 Points Scored
This was the team to out-perform their point total by the most in 2014, somehow pulling an 8-5 record from the 8th most points. All of this despite an abject unwillingness to make any trades at all, which you would think would have the opposite effect on their karma. Looking at their roster, they honestly just drafted pretty well for the second year in a row. Not as dominant as their two-headed RB monster from last year, but there are no glaring holes on that team. Draft skill has proven difficult to repeat year-after-year, so 2015 may need to be the year that these two actually have to make a trade to continue their run of playoff appearances.
9. Joseph - 1143.0 Points Scored
With this point total, he shouldn't really have been a Tannehill completion away from a playoff spot, but it was a weird year. In terms of trades, the Tre Mason move backfired immediately, but likely wouldn't have affected the playoffs. The other trade may well have torpedoed Nick's chances. Trading away ODB and Antonio Brown, likely two of the top five WRs drafted next season, while only recouping two lesser (albeit solid) receivers and a lotto ticket at RB doesn't make a lot of sense. Desperation aside, unless he thought Sankey was on the verge of a breakout, this trade kept our Commish home in December, watching ODB's brilliance from afar.
10. Bennett - 1139.6 Points Scored
On Halloween, Bennett traded Mike Evans, Larry Fitzgerald and Joseph Randle to Levine for Andrew Hawkins, Jonas Gray and Shonn Greene. The next week, Gray scored 44.1 points on Bennett's bench. That pretty much sums up his season right there. Bennett actually had some good pickups with Romo and Sanu, and he won Week 11 without Gray anyway, but none of that was enough to overcome the general mediocrity that is his team and his life.
11. Alan - 1037.5 Points Scored
The fact that Alan isn't in the bottom three after losing AP after Week 1, and generally fielding a worse roster than the Knicks right now, is honestly impressive. His final roster didn't even pull in $100 in the draft, and they only break $50 because Weissbard for some reason though Montee Ball was good at football. Alan made some good moves in giving up Luck and Julius Thomas for some depth in separate trades, but I can't ever be a fan of trading away Dez for Michael Floyd and Matt Asiata. Regardless, you kept fighting Alan, finishing above the three pathetic souls I'm about to discuss, and you should be proud of that. That and what is by far the best Christmas Card I've ever received.
12. Esco - 1025.1 Points Scored
A wise man once said, "If you ain't first, you're last." Esco took that literally this year, going from Stevens Bowl Champ to ripping 7 shots an hour before next year's draft (Luke Lill Champ? We need a name for this honor.). I tend to trust Esco's strategy during the draft, but this year he came away with more depth than usual, and no one who could really carry his team if he needed it. Some years, that's good enough, but this was not that year. To his credit, Esco was pretty active early-on in the trade market (and would have been higher than 12th in old-school CPP), but the best player he brought onto his team was a choice between Mark Ingram, an banged-up Jimmy Graham and Kelvin Benjamin. Not exactly the 2014 All-Pro Team. Like Ajay, I think you got some bad luck this year, but that doesn't mean you should change your draft approach. You know, other than being 7-deep next year.
13. Zacherman - 1024.1 Points Scored
Ending the season at 5-8, with the second least points scored, and three Jets on your roster is pretty depressing, but why didn't you make a trade? In this league, when you start 0-3, it's almost mandatory to make some sort of move, yet you did nothing. That's my biggest complaint with your season. There's nothing you can do about Brees, Desean, Percy and VJax underachieving in the same season, but flipping two of them for some depth would have made sense. Also, since your Stevens Bowl loss, you've gone 6-7 and then three straight years of 5-8, and if you remove your 12-1 season, you have the lowest winning percentage of anyone not named Long or Kimmel. We have a darkhorse for the first pick in the division draft next year!
14. Donaldson - 1004.8 Points Scored
Donny very nearly missed the 1000 point mark on the season, which is sad in an of itself, but I also remember leaving the draft thinking he had one of the strongest teams. The combination of Peyton and Calvin could easily have averaged over 40 points per game, and the supporting cast was good enough to think that Donny was in store for a return to the playoffs. Alas, it was not to be. Injuries and subpar play from pretty much everyone besides and eventually including Peyton derailed this season before it could even get started. Next year might be different though. Prior to this season, Donny had only one season below .500, and even after a 4-9 record, he remains in the top 5 by overall record.
That covers everyone, but before I go, I want to include an excerpt from an email I received from our eventual Champs during the week leading up to the Stevens Bowl:
"Although I'm a few months late, I realize I never congratulated you on being a married man. Me and Reap are very proud of your accomplishments and maturity. It seems like just yesterday you were one with the mold in the crowsnest. Thank you for humbling insults of our questionable flex start...we know as the next generation of FIJI FALAFEL, we bring an exciting vitality to the league that intimidates some older members (there comes a time where the great Tom Brady must step down for Russell Wilson).
While reminiscing about the league last night, and what FALAFEL & FIJI means to us, we reflected on your vital role in shaping what this league stands for today. Your e-mail and analysis, your passion and seemingly endless amount of time to write about nothing in the most entertaining way possible, gave a new meaning and value to that chefs coat.
You see Kevin, you have a talent. While you may think people watch your power hour videos just to get fucked up, those videos were so powerful because your true essence shined through: everyone felt your passion and hours of craft that went into something completely asinine, but APPRECIATED that dedication."
While the purpose of this email was an unabashed request for a season recap, I appreciated the sentiment. I'd like to think that I have cornered the market on providing meaningless entertainment to everyone I come across. So even though the first request was denied at the time (and hopefully this post suffices), I am more than happy to grant the secondary request that came later in the email. Without further ado...
Congrats again to AGD, and we're only 2 months away from the Fourth Annual Draft Location Madness!
See y'all in what promises to be a much more active 2015 for me in this hallowed league.
See y'all in what promises to be a much more active 2015 for me in this hallowed league.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Week 11 Write-Up: Donny
The few of us who have been unlucky enough to be the low scorer of the week have done a great job with the rankings. I hope to continue that trend. The actual rankings are based on a statistical examination of each team and the league as a whole. The number in parentheses is the percent chance of that team scoring greater than or equal to the cumulative median score of all teams in all weeks. So the best teams will have a high average score and a lower standard deviation, based on the basic bell curve. If you don't understand then you probably studied psych or some nonsense and I can't help you, or you're Gutman, and I'll help you if you ask. For my own twist i compared each team or person to a movie/tv show character, as I have little knowledge base to do much more than math and tv, this email exhibits my fullest potential. Enjoy the links.
1. Reap and Belfer (0.83)
A lot of great duos to choose from Corey Matthews and Shawn Hunter, Chandler and Joey, Bert and Ernie, Mulder and Scully....well maybe not that last one. But I've got to go with Drs. Egon Spangler and Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters. Bring back the cornell gangsta vid next draft weekend. (We all know Reap is really Jay Baruchel...)
2. Weissbard (0.82)
You are Jeff (Nick Swardson) in Grandma's Boy. You game like an eighth grader on winter break and you don't care who knows it. Don't worry, you'll get some sweet rims on that race car bed one day. Just joking, you're good people.
3. Ajay (0.71)
Nahga nahga not gonna win another chefs coat this year. You are Samir Nagaheenajar from Office Space because you're Indian, likable, and can probably do this dance move.
4. Gutman (0.70)
This is an easy one, you are john c Reilly as dean the deanzie Ziegler from Cedar Rapids. Fun loving, alcohol drinking and a goofy smile. You won't be taking the last place shots in your hole next draft day but you're going down this weekend cause I'm coming for you mothafucka i'm youre krazy eyez killa.
5. Barnard (0.69)
You are one of the lesbian mothers of Byong Sun in Kicking and Screaming. You could also be Ross Geller from Friends. Or you're Jason Biggs in Loser. Either way you get the point.
6. Levine (0.67)
8. Benjamin Bennett (0.55)
I would say you are Steve carell as the boring weatherman in Anchorman but that's too easy. You're Chris Elliot in Groundhog Day. Yeah I put no effort into this one.
9. Kumpf (0.54)
You are Kramer. You seem to fall ass backwards into success with seemingly no effort or planning. It's either karma or Kramer, or both.
11. Esco (0.32)
You are Vance Munson from Hitch. I can't decide if this is an insult or a compliment, or even at all accurate.
12. Alan (0.32)
14. Zach Attack (0.18)
Zach, it's been a tough year for us both. I'm going to let you off easy and give you Ernie, I mean Ice, the bully with the hat in Hocus Pocus. Is that letting you off easy?
1. Reap and Belfer (0.83)
A lot of great duos to choose from Corey Matthews and Shawn Hunter, Chandler and Joey, Bert and Ernie, Mulder and Scully....well maybe not that last one. But I've got to go with Drs. Egon Spangler and Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters. Bring back the cornell gangsta vid next draft weekend. (We all know Reap is really Jay Baruchel...)
2. Weissbard (0.82)
You are Jeff (Nick Swardson) in Grandma's Boy. You game like an eighth grader on winter break and you don't care who knows it. Don't worry, you'll get some sweet rims on that race car bed one day. Just joking, you're good people.
3. Ajay (0.71)
Nahga nahga not gonna win another chefs coat this year. You are Samir Nagaheenajar from Office Space because you're Indian, likable, and can probably do this dance move.
4. Gutman (0.70)
This is an easy one, you are john c Reilly as dean the deanzie Ziegler from Cedar Rapids. Fun loving, alcohol drinking and a goofy smile. You won't be taking the last place shots in your hole next draft day but you're going down this weekend cause I'm coming for you mothafucka i'm youre krazy eyez killa.
5. Barnard (0.69)
You are one of the lesbian mothers of Byong Sun in Kicking and Screaming. You could also be Ross Geller from Friends. Or you're Jason Biggs in Loser. Either way you get the point.
6. Levine (0.67)
You are Dante Hicks from Clerks, cause you're not even supposed to be here. Just kidding, you field a much better team than the jokes that were teams Long and Kimmel.
7. Bill and Marshall (0.59)
Hmm. This one took some time. But I've got to go with Ren and Stimpy cause you are both out of control in your own lovable way.
7. Bill and Marshall (0.59)
Hmm. This one took some time. But I've got to go with Ren and Stimpy cause you are both out of control in your own lovable way.
8. Benjamin Bennett (0.55)
I would say you are Steve carell as the boring weatherman in Anchorman but that's too easy. You're Chris Elliot in Groundhog Day. Yeah I put no effort into this one.
9. Kumpf (0.54)
You are Kramer. You seem to fall ass backwards into success with seemingly no effort or planning. It's either karma or Kramer, or both.
11. Esco (0.32)
You are Vance Munson from Hitch. I can't decide if this is an insult or a compliment, or even at all accurate.
12. Alan (0.32)
Alan my friend, you were Jon Favereau in this scene in Swingers, but you've got a gf now. So you're just George Lopez.
13. Donald (0.24)
You are probably pound for pound the most handsome falafel member. You're Kurt Russell in Tequila Sunrise. Though maybe more a mix ofReuben Feffer from Along Came Polly and Tim Allen in Home Improvement.
13. Donald (0.24)
You are probably pound for pound the most handsome falafel member. You're Kurt Russell in Tequila Sunrise. Though maybe more a mix ofReuben Feffer from Along Came Polly and Tim Allen in Home Improvement.
14. Zach Attack (0.18)
Zach, it's been a tough year for us both. I'm going to let you off easy and give you Ernie, I mean Ice, the bully with the hat in Hocus Pocus. Is that letting you off easy?
Week 8 Write-Up: Alan
So it was inevitable that with my team, after fractured hips and child abuse allegations, I would be up for the lowest score. I decided to surprisingly follow Levine's approach on the write-up and look at how everyone's draft went now that we are 8 weeks into the season. While there were a ton of injuries and trades that occurred, I just looked at those players who were active and what they averaged per game vs. what people actually paid for them. I also excluded kickers and defenses b/c that shit is just crazy:
1. Barnard - Sitting on top of FALAFEL finally, after 6 years of .500 records and witty yet secretly insecure emails. I bet this has been the most memorable period in your life, even more than the time you got engaged to your soon to be wife. This is all due to the fact you got Rivers for $4 and he has been averaging 20.7 pts/game for you. He's got his bye coming up in wk 10 but you've got that playoff spot pretty much locked up. Your worst pick that you still have is Gore (8 pts/game) and that's not terrible considering what else is being thrown out there so touche Barnard, touche
2. Weiss - We had our beef not too long ago Weissbard but I gotta admit, your new name says it all..Everything is Coming up Weiss. You've been going on dates, you're recharging your mitzvah next month, and your team leads the league in points scored. You had a few solid picks based on draft value but I'd say Bradshaw has really carried you averaging 13.4 points/game and you got him for $5.
3. Rob Woods Giant Cock - You've gotten some lucky wins so far this year considering the fact you spent $71 on Lacy and he's averaging 10.7 points/game for you. There are 6 other rbs you could have gotten for less than that who have played 8 games so far this yr and averaged more than that that. You're bright spot so far was Gates until you traded him last week. He's highest in scoring amongst all TEs ( 13.7 pts/game) and you got him for $2
4. Levine - I'm pretty sure Levine actually didn't drink all those fireball shots before the draft b/c he was sober enough to find great value with his $200. You've got Demarco ($50) carrying you at 20.2 pts/game and Foster ($53) throwing in 17.9. As long as those 2 stay healthy the rest of the year which is a big if, you are in good shape. You really do have a future in accounting man. You're going bald, you're Jewish, and you can do a lot with $200.
5. Big Nutz Black Dick - Still not sure who's actually running this team. Lutz is either on a rig or wasted and Marshall is busy telling hour long stories about that time when he almost got involved in a 3some (the story gets better every time Marshall). Charles (13.3 pts/game) and Jeffery (9.6) have been underwhelming for you so far this year as you spent $105 on those 2 players combined but I see things turning around for them in the 2nd half.
6. Me - Not much to say here. Luck literally carried me for most of the year at 25 pts/game ($20). Now that he's gone, it's probably only downhill from here.
7. Ajay Ajay - You got Sanders for $18 and he's the 6th highest WR at 12.8 points/game. Also, you're $32 for Gronk has turned out to be solid value considering he's picked it up the last couple games and is now averaging 12.2 points/game. Us Brown people always end up getting fucked though so I don't see you making the playoffs unfortunately.
8. Bennett - I don't feel like doing this one.
9. Gut - Your unluckiness has been overshadowed by your terrible trades. Also, spending $41 on Rodgers wasn't ideal. While he's averaging 21.4 pts/game for you, there were 3 other QBS averaging more than 20 points/game that you could have gotten for a lot less than $41. Also, you had Palmer averaging 19 points/game when his shoulder wasn't dead. Maybe you could have traded Rodgers for a Palmer fill in while he was hurt and some depth which you could have used. On top of that, you had Kelvin Benjamin for $4 and hes averaging 10.6 points/game and traded him away.
10. Donnie - You spent $58 on Megatron for a whopping 9.4 points/game before sending him away to AGD. Also, looks like you drafted Hillman at some point for $1. Can't blame you for dropping him however. Also, I love you Donnie but I think it's absurd that you never paid dues and no one has called you out on that for the past 2 years.
11. Mind of the Married Man - Really? You still never changed this? Are you busy painting the porch outside? You've withdrawn yourself from the league for more important matters which I understand. You are getting paid for actually writing about Fantasy Football after all. You had interesting strategy of going after stud WRs by shelling out $110 for 3 of them. I wouldn't say it's necessarily paid off with your 2-6 record but you are ranked 6th in the league in scoring. Demaryius is 2nd amongst WRs (16.4) in scoring so I would say you're $47 there was well spent although Antonio Brown is averaging slightly more points/game and he was $10 cheaper. Julio at 11.2 points/game has been underwhelming so far to say the least and you could have gotten 5 other guys who have averaged more over 8 games for less money.
I just wanted to get up to Kumpf and this has been more of a pain in the ass as I thought so here are the last 3
12. Nick - Best value - Antonio Brown: 16.7 points/game at $37.
Worst value - McCoy: 9 points/game at $79
13. Esco - worst value - this is obvious --> Stacy at 5.9 points/game for $45
14. Z Dawg - best value - Chris Ivory with 11 points/game for $3
worst value - CJ?K with 5.5 points/game for $25
Finally, I wanted to take this time to announce my retirement from FALAFEL year end. I've spent way too much time this past year and the game has lost it's charm. I'm ready for the next chapter.
Alan AKA the Artist Formally Known as Muffin
Trade Analysis 2
I was lazy about getting this out because it’s the second one I’ve done but with the flurry of trades late in the week you guys gave me something to write about. Only one trade is likely to make much of a difference in the playoff hunt but enjoy
To: Deputy Sheriff Nucky Thompson (VanA) - Patrick D
From: Rob Woods' Giant Cock (AGD) - Evan Reap, Adam Belfer
VanA traded Calvin Johnson, Det WR to AGD
VanA traded Colts D/ST, Ind D/ST to AGD
VanA traded Bobby Rainey, TB RB to AGD
VanA traded Kenny Stills, NO WR to AGD
AGD traded Mike Wallace, Mia WR to VanA
AGD traded Branden Oliver, SD RB to VanA
AGD traded Rams D/ST, StL D/ST to VanA
AGD traded Michael Crabtree, SF WR to VanA
VanA traded Colts D/ST, Ind D/ST to AGD
VanA traded Bobby Rainey, TB RB to AGD
VanA traded Kenny Stills, NO WR to AGD
AGD traded Mike Wallace, Mia WR to VanA
AGD traded Branden Oliver, SD RB to VanA
AGD traded Rams D/ST, StL D/ST to VanA
AGD traded Michael Crabtree, SF WR to VanA
Best Player Involved: This is obviously CJ but question marks abound. He already publically stated that he isn’t going to play when he hurts and Detroit has a strong enough defense and supporting cast this year that I don’t see him being rushed back. Mike Wallace has had an outstanding year so far but I really don’t see him reaching CJ levels.
Donaldson Trade Grade: You were in pretty dire straits before this trade and you at least have respectable players starting at every position now. I like Oliver’s chances at remaning fantasy relevant even after Matthews comes back in a couple weeks. Oliver is a pass catcher out of the backfield so he should do fine in such a pass heavy offense. Crabtree gives you some flexibility so you don’t have to start Sjax every week and Wallace is immediately your number 1 WR. Its never fun to trade away a top draft choice but I think this was a very good haul for CJ when you were so desperate. Im not sure if this will turn the tide in your season but it certainly can’t drop you further.
Grade: B
AGD Trade Grade: This is a calculated risk. Give up depth now, reap (get it?) the rewards in the playoffs when the entire team is healthy. You tried this last year with Aaron Rodgers with hilarious results but because this is earlier in the season your likelihood of this trade paying off is much higher. I really want to find a hole in your team but with Ingram getting healthy and my belief that Montee Ball isn’t worth more than a bag of trash your team is getting pretty out of hand. WR is still a concern healthwise because CJ and Garcon are unlikely to remain healthy for the rest of the year but with your RB depth I’m guessing another trade is in your future.
Team Grade: A-
To: Bell's Sankey Blount (GUTM) - Adam Gutman
From: Kimmel's Bald Dome (LEV) - STEVEN LEVINE
GUTM traded Bishop Sankey, Ten RB to LEV
GUTM traded Shonn Greene, Ten RB to LEV
LEV traded Malcom Floyd, SD WR to GUTM
GUTM traded Shonn Greene, Ten RB to LEV
LEV traded Malcom Floyd, SD WR to GUTM
Best Player Involved: I’m actually not really sure about this. Bishop Sankey has had a few good weeks but partly that has been due to Greene’s injury. I don’t think the Titans trust Bishop to be a work horse back and I don’t think he has developed the all-around skills for it yet (which is why Dexter McCluster is somehow getting touches). I thought Malcolm would have retired after last year after that hit that left him motionless for 15 minutes on the field after that brutal collision but apparently he doesn’t mind risking his life for a few million dollars. I think he may have taken over the starting receiver role from Keenan Allen and even if Keenan rounds back into form I think Malcom’s numbers are for real in this system.
Gutman Trade Grade: I know everyone ripped on you as soon as this trade happened but considering how our trade is turning out in your favor so far this year and what I think about Malcom Floyd I don’t actually hate this. I think you need a WR more than a Flex worthy RB right now because your WR corp is a disaster. Of course if Lamar gets hurt and Bishop suddenly becomes a workhorse back this could backfire but I would be pretty satisfied if I were you right now.
Trade Grade: A-
Levine Trade Grade: Bishop is probably going to replace Floyd in your flex spot for the forseeable future but the more important aspect of this trade is the RB depth you so desperately need. Foster is a coin flip to play seemingly every week and you really have no other startable RBs on your roster. The play for James White didn’t seem to work out so far and Dunbar is a 3rd string RB so this was a trade that had to happen. I’m not thrilled about Bishop as a flex player every week but the dropoff between starting Bishop at RB2 during Demarco/Foster’s bye week / any time they get injured and the trash sitting on your bench makes this trade very sensible
Trade Grade: B+
To: We Made It (BARN) - James Barnard
From: Inomin8gehrig4 the #icebucket (NIJO) - Nick Joseph
BARN traded Bernard Pierce, Bal RB to NIJO
BARN traded Reggie Wayne, Ind WR to NIJO
NIJO traded Carlos Hyde, SF RB to BARN
NIJO traded Tre Mason, StL RB to BARN
BARN traded Reggie Wayne, Ind WR to NIJO
NIJO traded Carlos Hyde, SF RB to BARN
NIJO traded Tre Mason, StL RB to BARN
Best Player Involved: There isn’t much to work with here. I guess Wayne is the most consistent performer but Hyde has the most upside as the season progresses. I’m going to lean towards Wayne here because people have been claiming the downfall of Frank Gore basically since he entered the NFL and somehow he keeps trucking along. Wayne has rebounded far better than I expected from the ACL tear for a veteran player and should be good for 50 yards and an occasional td every week this year.
Barnard Trade Grade: I don’t really understand this. You already had a mediocre RB you could flex in a pinch in Pierce. Do you really think Hyde is going to help your team? All I see is a potential source of frustration every time Hyde vultures a touchdown. I don’t see Gore getting hurt, just a lot of difficult matchup decisions from here on out. And Wayne is a good asset. He’s a perfect low end WR2 in our league and a very comfortable flex and I think you could have traded him straight up for Hyde without losing Pierce in the process. The fall of Team Barnard is imminent
Trade Grade: D
Nick Trade Grade: Nothing wrong with this. Give up a 2nd string and 3rd string RB, get a half decent flex RB and a startable WR in return. Not sure if this really does anything to your team’s chances for success over the course of the entire season but at least it won’t impact you negatively
Trade Grade: B+
Week 5 Write-Up: Joseph
As the FALAFEL futility tour makes its way to Chelsea, I take my turn at recapping where we stand as a league this week. I sincerely apologize for the delay and, as you'll see, not finishing the rankings. I've had an unusually busy week, but you guys deserve better from me. Given the emerging theme of people putting their personal spin on the rankings, some of you may be expecting a searing excoriation of everyone's team and personality. I'm disappointed that those of you may think me such a verbal barbarian, and I will offer a conciliatory gesture to apologize for my inattentiveness to my league responsibilities this week by providing authentically adulatory commentary for each of you. Prepare to be disarmed.
1) Barnard (5-0, 526 points)
Your squad answered any questions as to its legitimacy as the #1 team in the league this week by shattering the previous season high score. Your TE/Def/K alone would have beaten me. Heading into the stretch run, especially after adding Josh Gordon, you will be the clear favorite and will only be denied a chef coat with a Josephian playoff collapse. More importantly, your contributions to this league have long been overlooked and, stunningly, even derided. You've been unfairly called, among other things, stupid, effeminate and thoroughly unfunny. However I want you to know how important you've been to my enjoyment of fantasy football over the years. Whether intentional or not (a meaningless distinction really), you bring laughter to my life. Your emails are often quite clever and your commentary on world and league events quite deft. The lack of credit you receive for your wit, no doubt a product of the league's unfair but seemingly universal disrespect for you as a human, is a true travesty. I urge you to continue being yourself and not to conform to some people's, or even the overwhelming majority of people's, conception of "normal."
2) Beezle (3-2, 520 points)
How could I get through my day without your numerous, dare I say constant gchats? You share my love for taking pleasure in the suffering of others, yet deep down you have a steadfast moral compass that obliges loyalty to those most important to you. I know that, despite your Muffin-imposed team name, you could easily have any young lady you want were it not for your deep respect for women that compels you to wait until you find your soulmate. Your team is a thing of beauty, even if it may not prove to be a model of consistency. When your running back corps is back at full health, you will be a force to be reckoned with. Plus you have a guy named Storm.
3) Muffin (4-1, 452 points)
You've made it Alan. I always knew you would. Girlfriend who seems normal, living in the city, fantasy team in first place. Don't bother pinching yourself buddy, it only seemslike you're living a dream. The truth is, you deserve everything you've attained because of the person you are on the inside. Never mind that you've been likened to an amphibian, or that your team has been called "the worst team on paper in FALAFEL history" by someone who gets paid to provide fantasy analysis. Nothing can stand in your way Alan. I know you'll prevail because you're a man who embodies loyalty and hope, and I know this because, although many so-called "rational" people would toss him to the wayside, AP still calls your roster home.
4) AGD (3-2, 492 points)
Your team looks poised to mount perhaps the most serious threat to James' dominance going forward. With Ingram returning, you'll have the best running back depth in the league, which combined with serviceable receivers and the perpetually overachieving Russell Wilson, represents a scary matchup to anyone. It's appropriate that Wilson, with whom you two share many attributes, serves as your team's poster-boy. You both live life with a youthful exuberance, boyish good looks, and represent the future of your respective leagues. Although Wilson needed to write an article about himself claiming that he was a tough guy growing up to be seen as anything but an unintimidating choir boy, you two are far more secure with being perceived as feeble quasi-children. I know that, despite many people's assumptions, your love for each other is not sexual in nature. You simply recognize each other's inherent vulnerability, and realize that each of your survival in this world depends on the other's support and care. We should all learn a valuable lesson from your mutual devotion to each other.
5) Lutz/Marshall (4-1, 440 points)
It shouldn't surprise anyone that you guys are this high on the list. You are both highly intelligent individuals who excel in demanding and sought-after jobs. Yet at times many have questioned both of your ability to function at all in society. But your success in life, as well as fantasy, begs the question: perhaps, given your successes, it is in fact society that should change to reflect your personas. Perhaps Chris' seemingly nonsensical emails contain hidden genius that we are merely unable to appreciate because of our own deficiencies. Perhaps tiger-moms seeking to ensure their children's success at landing a prestigious career should, instead of pressuring them to sacrifice their social lives to get better grades, encourage them to drink to the point of having their eyes roll back in their heads on a daily basis like young William. You two make us question everything we think we know about the value of "civilized" behavior. Bravo.
6) Kumpf (2-3, 480 points)
It's a joy to see how far you've come Kevin. Who would have thought that the lovable asexual lump whose goals in life seemed not to extend beyond the crow's nest door would be the first among us to truly become a man? Your rapid hyper-maturation has given hope to even the most grotesque among us that we too can find true love. It pains me to see your disengagement from league duties this year, but who am I, a mere unmarried barbarian, to question the workings of adult life. I see many happy days ahead for both your new family, and for your fantasy team, especially if you are able to add some running back depth to your studly receiver duo.
7) Joseph (3-2, 421 points)
No one cares about how someone feels about their own team or life. Thats why people, presumably including me at some point, have to pay money for therapy.
8) Ajay (2-3, 453 points)
One thing that can always be said about Ajay is that you know what you get with him. He is steadfast in his ways, and does not waiver according to the whims of society. For all the jokes that have been made about "New Gutman," "New Kumpf," and so on, no one can argue that Ajay has changed much over the years. Although some might call it stubbornness, complacency, or even lack of creativity (to be fair, Ajay's last three team names have been "ajay," "Ajay Ajay", and "Ajay Temp"), I believe there's something to be said for such stability. Sadly, Ajay has deviated from his life strategy this year in fantasy, assembling perhaps the most injury-prone and inconsistent group of players in the league. Ajay, you're a man I respect a great deal, and I hope you'll return to the qualities that originally garnered that respect, including your refusal to let the world dictate the "appropriate" place and manner that one defecates, so that you may get a second chef's coat.
9) Levine (2-3, 427 points)
Some may call you "bland," "a numbers bid for life," and "oh yeah, that guy." I, however, see you for the unique and beautiful person you are. I enjoyed our trade discussions this week, although we were unable to reach a deal, but I can't help but feel that this resulted from your team quietly being among the most complete in the league. Much in the same way that I hope your team ultimately receives the recognition it deserves, I hope that you yourself will continue to show the world what a complex and multi-talented being you are. I look forward to many more years of friendship.
I've now spent close to an hour on this and have other shit to do. Here's the rest of the rankings. Bottom 5 don't really deserve to have anything nice said about them anyway.
10) Esco (2-3, 417 points)
11) Gutman (1-4, 427 points)
12) Bennett (2-3, 402)
13) Donnie (1-4, 404)
14) Z-Ball (1-4, 346)
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