Stevens Bowl Preview

Well shit. It took me three years to make the damn playoffs, and as soon as I get in, I lose my first matchup. Let’s get to the consolation prizes before we get to the main event.

Consolation Prizes

Kumpf

At least I didn’t lose due to a lineup decision, because that has to be the worst way to go, other than maybe losing due to a stat change. My consolation prize is that I’m not a Jets fan. Other than maybe the Lakers, I don’t know if there is a more fucked up franchise in sports right now. I would be shocked to see the Jets competitive for the next five years.

Joseph

While it may be shocking that our #1 seed lost his first playoff game as well, let’s look a little closer. Nick had the most points and the best record, so it’s not like his record was deceiving. He had shockingly good injury luck, but no one got hurt in his loss, so that didn’t regress to the mean. Ray Rice shat the bed, but other guys played well, so it wasn’t just a bad week for your team either. Could it be that you just had really really bad luck that you were playing Ajay when AP, Julio and the Texans D went off? Your consolation prize is that the world is ending today so you don’t have to suffer fantasy heartbreak any more.

And now for the most wonderful time of the year…

SHAH! ESCO! PETERSON! MARSHALL! It’s the Stevens Bowl!

In case you were wondering, those are mugshots of AP and Marshall, as well as what I assume Ajay and Esco’s mugshots will ultimately look like.

Stevens Bowl Preview

Quarterbacks

As it was last week, the QB matchup comes down to RG3’s health. All signs point to Sir Robert playing against Philly, but I would assume we won’t see much if any scrambling, which severely limits his value. A 100% healthy RG3 would give the edge to Esco, but Matty Ice against Detroit really has a very low chance of being a bust.

Edge: Ajay

Runningbacks

Reggie Bush and DeMarco Murray get really easy matchups. Steve Jackson and Sproles get tough matchups. So does AP, but he may be about to win MVP from the RB position while only scoring 15ish TDs. The last time an RB won that award without breaking the TD record was Marshall Faulk in 2000. He won a fair share of teams their fantasy title, and AP looks like he’ll be doing the same thing.

Edge: Ajay

Wide Receivers/Tight End

Brandon Marshall is the best player here, but he’s been limited in practice all week. Mike Wallace has salvaged his season recently, but if he doesn’t get a long TD, he could be useless. Esco’s ceiling is higher at receiver, but Cruz/Julio/Amendola have been extremely solid all year and I see no reason why that stops now. At TE, Esco gets a small edge, but this is neither team’s strength.

Slight Edge: Ajay

Defense

Ajay has the unenviable position of starting a defense that is going against his best player and also Kyle Rudolph. Houston should win the game, but Ponder isn’t turnover prone and if AP runs wild then there is limited upside here. Seattle’s D has been huge for Esco throughout the playoffs, and assuming their corners aren’t suspended yet, they should do a good job against San Fran.

Edge: Esco

CPP

Esco owned Ajay here in both lineup setting and success despite injuries. That said, there aren’t really any tough roster choices for either team. Both of you could use better tight ends, but that’s about it.

Edge: Esco

Verdict

The teams are evenly matched based on talent, but Ajay has better matchups, and in AP he has someone who is matchup proof. Esco has proven me wrong in every round so far, and he’ll have to do it again if he wants that Chef Coat.

Winner: Ajay

One more time...

SHAH! ESCO! PETERSON! MARSHALL! It’s the Stevens Bowl!

I assume Nick destroys me for the Third Place prize, but knowing his luck, he’ll get no money.

Merry Christmas everyone. Final consolation prize next week as well as the Chef Coat Presentation.

Semi-Final Preview

This is gonna be short and sweet, cuz I’m flying to Jersey Thursday morning, seeing the Rolling Stones Thursday night, and then I have a rehearsal dinner Friday and my real friend’s wedding on Saturday, all while I’m supposedly working.

Consolation Prizes

AGD

Your consolation prize is that you get two votes at Winter Meetings. This is important because you can help swing the votes that change up our D/ST scoring. I don’t care if we make TDs worth 3, include stuff like total yardage that better indicate a team’s performance, or just remove the position completely, but when Seattle’s D/ST outscores AP by 7 points, something is wrong with the system. You guys would have lost anyway, but getting killed by a Defense just makes it that much worse.

Bennett

You got fucked by Dez and Green, and if you played Britt over Fred Jackson, you would have won. All of this could have been avoided if you had just hit +1 instead of bidding an extra $10 on Vick, but we’ve been over this many times. Your consolation prize is that Week 17 will be the last time you get a free mustache ride!

Semi-Final Preview

Matchup 1: 1) Joseph vs. 4) Ajay

Quarterbacks

Rodgers vs. Ryan is a pretty solid matchup. Matty Ice started hot, cooled off, but then had a big week against the Panthers. A-Rod has been a slight disappointment considering how much Kimmel paid at the auction, but he’s still QB5 on the season. The problem is that they are facing the Giants and the Bears. I think the G-Men continue their NFC ascendance this week, so Rodgers should have a slightly easier time against the fading Bears.

Slight Edge: Joseph

Runningbacks

Not much to say here. Rice/Lynch/Gore and even David Wilson give Joseph the depth to take on Peterson even if he isn’t human.

Edge: Joseph

Wide Receivers/Tight End

Ajay’s got his Latinos and Joseph has V-Jax and then a bunch of mediocrity. If Ajay makes his second straight Stevens Bowl, it’s because he dominates the receiver battle. At TE, Gonzo is a huge advantage on Tamme, but a big game from him probably means a big game from Matt Ryan, which isn’t ideal.

Edge: Ajay

Defense

Both of these teams have relied on 15+ points from their defense at different times this year, but both the Bears and Texans have looked like shit in recent weeks. Nick has the added headache of his D facing his QB, which is never fun. Based on matchups, the Texans should have a slightly easier time.

Slight Edge: Ajay

CPP

Nick was the CPP winner this year, but he is not without faults. His team has been shockingly healthy, and injuries may rear their ugly head with Cecil Shorts this week. But Ajay’s team was pretty healthy as well, and he didn’t manage his roster as well as Nick did, so he loses out here.

Slight Edge: Joseph

Verdict

If Ajay has a chance to beat Nick, it’s because the Giants/Falcons game gets out of hand, yet Tony Gonzalez doesn’t score. It’s definitely possible, and with Rice and Gore facing tough defenses Nick won’t be at his best, but I can’t see the Commish missing out on the Stevens Bowl.

Winner: Joseph

Matchup 2: 2) Kumpf vs. 3) Esco

Quarterbacks

Not gonna lie, I got pretty lucky here. In a week where Brady has to go up against San Fran, Esco gets a less than 100% RG3 or Kaepernick vs. a Belichick game plan. I think RG3 plays, giving Esco an extremely tough decision, one that could likely decide his season. And given how Brady carved up a Houston defense that was dominant at times, I think I take this position.

Edge: Kumpf

Runningbacks

Of fucking course I have to face Sproles in the playoffs. Not that I would even start him, but it’s just the principle that he’s not on my roster based on a ridiculous rule. I think this position comes down to DMC. If he plays well in what should be an easy matchup, I think I get a double digit win. If he throws up a 2-point game, then I’m screwed. I have the advantage here in matchups, but it might be close.

Edge: Kumpf

Wide Receivers/Tight End

Marshall is the top receiver on the season and Mike Wallace gets a healthy Roethlisberger. That scares the hell out of me. I need Cobb to have a big day, and T.Y. Hilton to find the endzone to even keep this one competitive. I could really use Percy Harvin here. At TE, I have the edge in talent with Graham over Myers, but TE has been such a weird position here, that nothing would surprise me.

Big Edge: Esco

Defense

Seattle just came off a ridiculous performance against the Cardinals, and gets a mediocre-at-best Buffalo team this week. But the game is on the road, where Seattle is markedly worse, and C.J. Spiller is the lead back, which is great for Buffalo. Meanwhile, I get a terrible Lions defense that faces that same Arizona team that is going with Ryan Lindley. I’m not expecting 30+ points, but 10 should be a given.

Slight Edge: Esco

CPP

As the keeper of this metric, it is obviously slightly biased towards what I think makes a good fantasy owner. Having said that, Esco displays many of those characteristics year after year, so it’s not really biased against him. Esco had better roster management than I did, but I was 10-3 while having the second most injury-affected roster in the league. Too close to call.

Edge: Even

Verdict

This is the first playoff game I’ve had since the league entered its current Cortese-free format. You think I’m gonna pick against myself?

Winner: Kumpf

Bring it on Nick.

Week 13 CPP Rankings/Quarterfinal Preview

Well that’s a wrap. The playoffs are set, and the 2012 version of the CPP is complete. We have an unprecedented drop in season-to-season ranks, as well as the tightest finish ever at the top. Here are the final rankings:

1.       Joseph – CPP: 374.51, Last Week: 2^nd

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 373.81, Last Week: 1^st

3.       Esco – CPP: 339.46, Last Week: 3^rd

4.       AGD – CPP: 315.33, Last Week: 4^th

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 288.18, Last Week: 5^th

6.       Bennett – CPP: 278.86, Last Week: 6^th

7.       Ajay – CPP: 275.43, Last Week: 7^th

8.       Zacherman – CPP: 247.63, Last Week: 8^th

9.       Alan – CPP: 244.61, Last Week: 11^th

10.   Barnard – CPP: 244.01, Last Week: 10^th

11.   Gutman – CPP: 242.48, Last Week: 9^th

12.   Weissbard – CPP: 205.74, Last Week: 12^th

13.   Donnie – CPP: 196.41, Last Week: 13^th

14.   Billy – CPP: 166.97, Last Week: 14^th

I have some plans to further revamp the CPP next year, removing roster adds as a factor and replacing it with some sort of bid accuracy in the Waiver Auctions, so if you have any other ideas to improve this nearly-perfect metric let me know.

Here are some 2012 CPP fun facts:

·         Barnard had the highest scoring week with 141.3, Weissbard had the lowest score with 37.8

·         AGD had the best lineup management, leaving only 9.38 PPG on the bench, Zacherman had the worst, leaving 15.42 PPG on the bench

·         Weissbard had the most injury-affected starters with 53.63 Injury Points, both Nick and Donnie were completely unaffected by injuries to starters

·         Barnard, Gutman and Kumpf led the league with 4 trades, Ajay and Donnie made none

·         In terms of Total Ranking Points (a measure of weekly consistency), Joseph led the way with 137, and Billy was last with 61

·         If we used Victory Points (if you’re in the top 7 in scoring for a week, you get a win), Nick was in first with 11 wins, and Billy was last with 2

·         Billy becomes the first team ever to win both the Stevens Bowl and the James Barnard Last Place CPP award, and he did it in consecutive seasons

Consolation Prizes

Gutman

In case it’s not already obvious, your consolation prize is that I’m not calling you New Gutman anymore. Between your late-season nosedive due to a series of terrible trades, and this picture, I think it’s safe to say that Old Gutman is still alive and well. You better fucking be at the draft next year or you’re dead to me.

Donaldson

I would say that you had solid results in the first season that you controlled by yourself from start to finish. It took all of us at least a year to figure out the Auction Draft, so your accidental pick of Fitzgerald was understandable, if not expected. Your team lacked a no-doubt QB, and beyond Arian, every starting spot was a decision every week, which just sucks for your peace of mind. And Carmenjello goat-fucked you. Your consolation prize should help your results for next: A Strategy Guide For Free Agent Auctions. It’s one thing to hoard your Free Agent dollars in case there’s a huge injury, but it’s a whole different thing to go the entire season without spending $1. You were a win or two away from the playoffs, and I refuse to believe that spending some of that money wouldn’t have gotten you closer.

Zacherman

It’s been a weird year for you Z. You weren’t really in playoff contention from the start, we didn’t hear any trademark Zacherman rants, and you were oddly quiet about the real NFL this year. Maybe it was because you were searching online for your consolation prize, an authentic Greg McElroy jersey! As a Dolphins fan, I’ve witnessed some tragedies at QB in the last decade, but I don’t think I’ve seen anything as simultaneously terrible and hilarious at the same time as the 2012 Jets (no offense to Cleo Lemon). I’m sure you can’t wait to J-E-T-S…Just End The Season!

Barnard

I’ve been waiting all season for you to be eliminated for a variety of reasons. One of them was to hand out your consolation prize, an autographed picture of Gronk! His injury may have torpedoed your season, but look on the bright side: at least it forced you to trade me DMC who will hopefully push my team to the Stevens Bowl.

Kimmel

I honestly feel for you. You missed the playoffs by a total of 6.4 points over the course of the entire season. There are literally a million ways you could have made up those points, but one of them may have been to trade one of your RBs for a legit WR before Week 11. You ended up trading A-Rod, and while it actually panned out for you, it was still a dumbass move in my opinion.  Regardless, you miss the playoffs despite being in the CPP top 5, which is never fun. Your consolation prize is something you could have used earlier this year, a little bit of Luck.

Now on to the actual contenders. Nick and I have well-deserved byes this week. I will be mourning the loss of Percy Harvin for the season, while Nick will pray that both of his injured wideouts get healthy before the semi-finals.

Quarterfinal Preview

As is tradition, I will now break down the Quarterfinal matchups Dr. Z style:

Matchup 1: 3) Esco vs. 6) AGD

Quarterbacks

The only two elite QBs this year that came at a bargain were RG3 and Peyton, so it’s fitting that they meet in the playoffs. As Peyton passes down his crown of “Most Commercials Per NFL Game” to Sir Robert, he may also realize that Griffin has nearly 30 fantasy points more on the season. Both of these guys are unquestionably awesome, so it comes down to the matchup. RG3 gets a beaten up Ravens team, but Ray Lewis started practicing again this week, so they’ll be fired up if nothing else. Peyton gets a miserable Raiders defense that will only slow him down if Denver stops throwing due to a blowout.

Slight Edge: AGD

Runningbacks

This is where the matchup will be decided: Murray/S-Jax/Sproles vs. Charles/Forte/Knowshon. First of all, I want to thank Billy’s drinking problem for Esco even being in a position to start Sproles. He should be on my fucking roster, but I’ll let that one drop for now. Of all of these guys, Charles has the highest ceiling, but a floor that’s lower than Murry, Jackson and Forte. Knowson and Sproles don’t excite me, but as I said earlier, there is a very good chance that Denver is running out the clock by halftime. That and the explosiveness of Charles has me leaning towards the twins.

Slight Edge: AGD

Wide Receivers/Tight End

Esco gets royally fucked if Big Ben can’t play and he has to bench Wallace, but that’s how it goes. Even if Wallace had Joe Mantegna throwing him the ball, Esco’s receivers aren’t coming close to AGD’s tandem of Demaryius and Calvin. That is the single biggest advantage at any position in the league, aside from possibly Nick’s RBs. At TE, Gresham has looked extremely legit lately, with 7 or more in his last 5 games. Brandon Myers came from nowhere this year, and the Raiders will have to pass against Denver, but he’s been so boom-or-bust that I can’t give Esco a clear edge here.

Big Edge: AGD

Defense

It’s all about the matchups here, and Esco’s Seahawks D/ST is facing a team that just announced that John Skelton was starting like it was a good thing. Even if Cam implodes against Atlanta (he put up 28 last time), the Falcons can’t hope to keep up with Seattle.

Big Edge: Esco

CPP

In close matchups, it’s often useful to see if the CPP likes one team significantly more than the other. That doesn’t really help in this case, as you two finished extremely close, actually coming in at 1-2 in terms of starting lineup accuracy. AGD has put up a couple terrible scores this year, so even if there is a 5% possibility of that, I gotta give this to Esco.

Slight Edge: Esco

Verdict

If Big Ben plays and Esco can start Mike Wallace over Chris Givens or Sproles, I would say that this matchup is 50/50. But as it stands now, I think AGD will get nearly 70 points tonight, and that is just too big of a deficit to overcome, even for RG3.

Winner: AGD

Matchup 2: 4) Ajay vs. 5) Bennett

Quarterbacks

The Battle of the NFC South QBs Who Were Terribly Disappointing in Week 13! I’m shocked and a little impressed that Bennett still made the playoffs despite that disaster from Brees. The good news is that Brees will be motivated to start a new TD streak. The bad news is that he gets a fired-up Giants D-Line that is angry after a week of chasing RG3 around. Brees will bounce back, but not quite as much as Matty Ice, who should shred that Panthers D.

Slight Edge: Ajay

Runningbacks

Ajay has Adrian Peterson. That’s all the matters. After him there is Reggie Bush, Fred Jackson, Shonn Greene, Danny Woodhead, and someone named Montell Owens. I would say Ajay should start Rudolph, Quizz, DHB, or Amendola if he’s healthy over Woodhead, and Bennett should start Britt or Golden Tate over Owens, but I’m calling it like they have their lineups right now. Again, Ajay has Adrian Peterson.

Big Edge: Ajay

Wide Receivers/Tight End

The Green/Dez/Heath trio for Bennett is shockingly dominant, as all three of them rank in the top 6 at their positions for the year. Ajay is no slouch himself with his Latino-sounding receivers, and with Stokely out again, Tamme becomes a great play this week. This one is close, but Dez’s rise has coincided with Cruz’s fall, so Bennett gets the edge here.

Slight Edge: Bennett

Defense

Nothing great here. Ajay currently has Houston going against the Pats in New England and Bennett has San Diego against a potentially Ben-less Steelers. If Ben is in fact out, Bennett gets the edge, but I’m calling it even because he still has the Eagles D on his roster and they have let up over 31 points per game in their last seven games, with exactly 3 turnovers forced.

Edge: Even

CPP

This one is even closer than Esco/AGD as these two are only separated by 3 CPP points. Bennett manages his lineup a little better than Ajay, and he’s had more consistent performance over the course of the season, so I’m going with him.

Slight Edge: Bennett

Verdict

Considering Bennett is involved, this one is closer than it might seem. If Amendola plays, Ajay can sit Woodhead and should have a double digit victory. If he’s out, then it’s close, but Brown Man X still gets it done.

Winner: Ajay

Week 12 CPP Rankings

What a weird year it’s been. Nick and I have run train on this league, winning a combined 21 of our 24 games, meaning that we will have a below .500 team in the playoffs for the first time ever. Ajay started fast and has dropped off big time, Esco started slow and has come on strong, but the rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

That said, the playoffs start next week, and only three teams have been eliminated. Which brings me to…

Consolation Prizes

Alan

After a miserable draft where your entire bench was made of $1 players, you actually put together a somewhat respectable lineup. Unfortunately, Stafford waited until November to start putting up numbers and Spiller never quite got the ball enough be the stud that he could be, and Garcon was never healthy, so you’re sitting at 3-9. But all is not lost, as your consolation prize is a cameo on What Would You Do! This classic Nickelodeon show with Mark Summers will provide you with more Cream Pies than you could ever imagine.

Billy

Everyone saw this coming from the draft, when you were somehow involved in every single bidding war, but apparently won none of them. Since then, you’ve made a nice resurgence, and you’ve actually scored more points than the next kid on this list, but this was a lost year from the start for our defending champ. If you do in fact decide to team up with Marshall next year, I think it would make for one of the more entertaining drafts we’ve ever had, and I’m all in for that. As for your prize, you get to spend a nice long offseason at O’Brien House. Remember, we’re all friends here, and we don’t want to enable you. Except that we totally want to enable you.

Weissbard

I can’t believe I actually liked your team coming out of the draft. There’s really not much to like, and even if all of your players stayed healthy, there’s very little chance you would have made the playoffs anyway. Your consolation prize is an iPod Shuffle. I know you’re into the whole Avicii/Skrillex thing, but when I saw Avicii at ACL, it seemed like he just made a playlist and then was jumping for an hour straight. People seemed to go ape-shit over it though, so maybe you can be the next big EDM star. DJ Gnome-Or-H8rs sounds like one of those ridiculous guys anyway.

Week 12 Rankings

These rankings will be brief for some teams, and complicated for others. Basically, I’ll be outlining what needs to happen for each team to make the playoffs. Just to be clear, if any of the 5-7 teams lose, they’re out. And the AGD/Zacherman game really could swing things for a lot of teams.

1.       Kumpf – CPP: 359.77, Last Week: 1^st

I have already clinched a bye. I can get the 1 seed if I beat Kimmel, Barnard beats Nick, and I outscore Nick by 43.1.

2.       Joseph – CPP: 345.90, Last Week: 2^nd

Joseph has already clinched a bye. He gets the 1 seed with a win or if I lose. If I win and he loses, he needs me to outscore him by less than 43.1.

3.       Esco – CPP: 308.02, Last Week: 3^rd

Esco has clinched the playoffs. He will get the 3 seed if he wins and Ajay loses, or if they have the same outcome and Ajay outscores him by less than 15.6.

4.       AGD – CPP: 278.98, Last Week: 4^th

They need to win to have a chance, but if they do beat Zacherman, they’re in good shape. The only way they win and don’t make the playoffs is if two of these three happen: Barnard wins, Bennett wins and they don’t outscore him by 15.3, or if Kimmel wins and outscores them by 3.8.

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 256.40, Last Week: 5^th

Same situation as AGD, he just needs to outscore them by 3.8 and have the rest of that scenario happen.

6.       Bennett – CPP: 248.45, Last Week: 6^th

Bennett’s points scored give him a leg up on the rest of the 5-7 teams. He still needs to win, but if he doesn’t get outscored by 15.3 or more by the teams below him, then he should be in the playoffs.

7.       Ajay – CPP: 247.11, Last Week: 7^th

Ajay is locked into the 3 or 4 seed, and has basically the opposite situation as Esco in determining that seed.

8.       Zacherman – CPP: 237.27, Last Week: 9^th

This is where things get interesting. Zacherman currently has the 5^th most points of the 5-7 teams, and he can only realistically catch Donnie in points. So he needs to beat AGD, have Kimmel and Bennett lose, have Donnie either lose or outscore Donnie by 10.2, and have New Gutman lose or have New Gutman not outscore him by 27.1.

9.       New Gutman – CPP: 231.86, Last Week: 8^th

How you’re even still alive makes no sense to me with that debacle of a team, and you need the most help of anyone to make the playoffs. You need Zacherman to beat AGD and you need to outscore Z by 27.1, a loss by Donnie or you outscore him by 37.3, as well as losses by Kimmel and Bennett. It would take a Hannukah miracle.

10.   Barnard – CPP: 226.07, Last Week: 10^th

If you win, you’re in. If you lose, you are still in striking distance from Bennett, AGD and Kimmel, so you either need them all to lose, or you need to outscore them by various amounts. Then again, Nick could just throw his matchup with you to ensure weaker team gets into the playoffs, but that opens the door for me to take the Regular Season prize.

11.   Alan – CPP: 220.40, Last Week: 11^th

12.   Weissbard – CPP: 191.44, Last Week: 13^th

13.   Donnie – CPP: 186.69, Last Week: 12^th

The CPP hates you for a variety of reasons, mainly because you’ve suffered no injuries to starters, you have left more points on the bench than anyone, and you’ve made next to no transactions. After all that, you’re in the playoffs if you win, Zacherman beats AGD but doesn’t outscore you by 10.2, and Bennett and Kimmel lose. Crazier things have happened.

14.   Billy – CPP: 156.82, Last Week: 14^th

In addition to your Consolation Prize, you’ve also clinched the James Barnard Memorial Last Place CPP Award. It consists of having to speak to Barnard for 5 minutes without wanting to die.

Week 11 CPP Rankings

It’s Thanksgiving. We don’t have work. I don’t feel like a full write-up. So here are some fun facts and the rankings and I’ll be back with full write-ups next weeks.

CPP Fun Facts:

·         The only two teams who haven’t lost a clear starter to injury are Joseph and Donnie.

·         Weissbard has accrued the most Injury Points with 53.63, followed by Alan and Zacherman, who are both in the low 30s.

·         Joseph has been in the top 7 in scoring a league leading 9 times, followed by Esco, AGD and Kumpf with 8.

·         Billy has only been in the top 7 once (last week), with the next lowest being Weissbard and Alan with 3.

·          Ajay and Billy have been the luckiest teams in terms of matchups, with 2 more Actual Wins than Expected Wins.

·         AGD has been the unluckiest team in terms of matchups, with 3 more Expected Wins than Actual Wins.

·         The three most consistently high scoring teams are Kumpf, Joseph and Kimmel, who have each never scored less than 71.8 points.

·         The three most consistently low scoring teams are Alan, Billy and Gutman, who have each never scored more than 103.1 points.

Week 11 Rankings

1.       Kumpf - CPP: 338.21, Last Week: 2^nd

2.       Joseph – CPP: 334.78, Last Week: 1^st

3.       Esco – CPP: 308.86, Last Week: 3^rd

4.       AGD – CPP: 281.02, Last Week: 4^th

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 263.93, Last Week: 5^th

6.       Bennett – CPP: 254.22, Last Week:  8^th

7.       Ajay – CPP: 249.34, Last Week: 6^th

8.       New Gutman – CPP: 242.64, Last Week: 7^th

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 219.28, Last Week: 9^th

10.   Barnard – CPP: 215.77, Last Week: 12^th

11.   Alan – CPP: 208.22, Last Week: 10^th

12.   Donnie – CPP: 192.11, Last Week: 11^th

13.   Weissbard – CPP: 174.06, Last Week: 13^th

14.   Billy – CPP: 143.03, Last Week: 14^th

That’s all this week, Happy Thanksgiving assholes.

Week 10 CPP Rankings

No time for small talk this week, on to the rankings.

Week 10 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 315.11, Last Week: 1^st

If there was ever a week for Nick to fall from the top spot in the actual standings, it would have been last week against me. Even if he lost to me, he still clearly has the best team, so he owns this spot in the CPP for the rest of the season as far as I’m concerned. Despite getting next to nothing from his receivers, Nick’s trio of RBs and the ageless Tony G would have been enough to get past most teams in the league by themselves. And if he had started his “optimal” lineup (which would have included Cecil Shorts and Tampa’s D), he would have had nearly 150 points. You have clinched the playoffs, and your Magic Number for clinching a bye is 2. Playoff Odds: 100%

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 312.33, Last Week: 2^nd

I may have lost to Nick, but I put up nearly 100, which allowed me to somewhat keep pace with Ajay in the battle for the second bye. I’m not making excuses, but being without Harvin, Cobb and Hernandez was less than ideal and hopefully will not be the case in a possible Stevens Bowl re-match. Additionally, my guarantee of making the playoffs for the first time this year is complete, and I will likely start resting my guys for a deep run. Playoff Odds: 100%

3.       Esco – CPP: 283.37, Last Week: 3^rd

Esco had an impressive performance against Donnie last week, highlighted by Joe Flacco’s breaking 30 fantasy points for the first and last time in his career. The only real weakness on your team is TE, where the twice-concussed Brandon Myers is your only player rostered. Outside of that, this is a legit contender, with solid starters at every position when they’re healthy. I have a weird feeling that you’ll make a nice playoff run, only to lose after RG3 gets hurt in the first quarter against the Browns. Playoff Odds: 87%

4.       AGD – CPP: 253.58, Last Week: 7^th

My favorite part of the compiling the CPP each week is to see where you guys end up. One week you break 110 and end up in the top 5, the next you don’t even hit 60 points and fall to 11^th. Your remarkable inconsistency is truly awe-inspiring. Last week you destroyed a hapless Barnard team thanks almost entirely to Calvin, Peyton and Demaryius. To make the playoffs, you’ll need more consistent performances from your RBs, and you need to jump Bennett as well as Kimmel or New Gutman. It won’t be easy, but your schedule isn’t too rough. Playoff Odds: 45%

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 252.72, Last Week: 4^th

After a nice stretch where you won 5 of 6, your playoff quest came to a screeching halt thanks to Alan last week. No one steals an Alan-69 and gets away with it! I have to commend you on the Chris Ivory pickup, as he gives you a chance without CJ this week. If you had listened to me and made a trade for a receiver earlier in the season (or even now), I would be more optimistic about you finally making the playoffs. But with Stephen Hill and Emmanuel Sanders starting for you, and games against Esco and myself on tap, I can’t kid myself. Playoff Odds: 40%

6.       Ajay – CPP: 249.61, Last Week: 8^th

I know you think the CPP hates you, and I understand why, as you’re in third place in the standings and you just clinched the playoffs. Looking at the data, the factors that hurt you are your lack of trades, and the fact that you’ve been in the top 7 in scoring just 6 times, which is less than 4 other teams, suggesting you’ve been a bit lucky in terms of the schedule. Regardless, you’re only 4 CPP points out of 4^th place, and as I said, your only concern now is if you can get that second bye. Playoff Odds: 100%

7.       New Gutman – CPP: 236.34, Last Week: 5^th

When I typed your name in the AGD section earlier, I forgot to include the word “New” and Microsoft Word put a red squiggly line under your name. I was shocked that Word had learned me so well as to know that you are in fact only referred to as New Gutman at this point. When I fixed my error, there was still a squiggly line under your name, but I was happier. I mention all this because your team is a mess right now. Decker and Austin will get back on track, but you started Shane Vereen, Donald Brown and Chaz Schilens last week. This team is moving the wrong way, and you’ll need to win 2 of 3 to make the playoffs. Playoff Odds: 40%

8.       Bennett – CPP: 235.07, Last Week: 6^th

That was a season-saving win for you last week, but you still aren’t in great shape. Fred Jackson had a huge game, but he’s concussed and just not as good as Spiller, so I expect him to be useless from here on out. That leaves you with Joique Bell and LaRod Stephens-Howling as your RB2 options, also known as “backup runningbacks.” The only chance you have is because Drew Brees is amazing and has single handedly kept the Saints alive. He might be able to do the same to your squad. Playoff Odds: 25%

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 223.20, Last Week: 9^th

On the surface it was a tough loss for you last week while putting up 95 points, but looking deeper you were lucky to have it be that close. You got an absurd 27 points from the Broncos D/ST, and if they had put up even 15 points, still a great number for a defense, you’re back in the 80s. Looking ahead, you face a trio of 4-6 teams, two of which you’re clearly better than. If you win the games you’re supposed to, and then upset AGD, you’re in the playoffs. Better hope Jordy, Mendenhall and Bradshaw are healthy because you’ll need them. Playoffs Odds: 30%

10.   Alan – CPP: 206.42, Last Week: 10^th

We may have found our spoiler team of 2012. Though his odds of making the playoffs are next to nothing, he gets the chance to fuck with the seeding of Esco and myself, and possibly eliminate New Gutman in Week 13. This after avenging the 69 that got away, and with CJ Spiller starting. You may not be headed anywhere this year, but at least you have something to play for these last three weeks. Playoff Odds: 2%

11.   Donnie – CPP: 184.01, Last Week: 11^th

After the draft, I thought your 2-TE strategy was smart, so smart that I mimicked it. Turns out you just chose the wrong guys. If either Vernon or Jermichael lived up to their potential, or even their Madden ability, this year, I think you would be in a much better place. Instead, you have to go through me and Ajay, as well as New Gutman, in your last three weeks, needing to win 2 of 3 at least. Unless there is a little-known rule that turns these matchups into Movie Games, I think you’re out of luck. Playoff Odds: 15%

12.   Barnard – CPP: 181.15, Last Week: 12^th

What is it about your fantasy teams in general where you always end up scoring under 70 points multiple times per year? Do you pick your bye weeks wrong? Do you draft based on Madden speed? Are you for some reason sold on Dexter McCluster? Regardless, you need to win out to make the playoffs, and you have Nick the final week of the regular season. Maybe he’ll take it easy on you. Playoff Odds: 10%

13.   Weissbard – CPP: 167.35, Last Week: 13^th

You got a win while scoring 64 points. That will never happen again, unless you face Billy in the playof..well, nevermind. Sitting at 4-6 and with three 4-6 teams left to play, you’re actually pretty close to controlling your own destiny. The only problem is that your team is terrible. It was nice to see Nicks and Maclin looking good last week, and it appears that Andre Brown is startable every week, but outside of that you don’t have much. Playoff Odds: 5%

14.   Billy – CPP: 118.33, Last Week: 14^th

Come on Billy, you’re better than that. Leaving multiple bye week players in your lineup last week? That’s some Chris Long shit. What’s that? You started an actual roster and it only scored 42 points? Then that’s some Barnard shit. Players I would have dropped instead of Sproles: Brent Celek, Nate Washington, Dan Bailey, Dennis Pitta, Andre Roberts, Shaun Draughn, Jackie Battle, Titus Young, Saints D/ST, Taiwan Jones. That’s correct, our defending champ straight up dropped his sixth best player. Look out for your consolation prize next week. Playoff Odds: 1%

Week 9 CPP Rankings

I want to start by thanking everyone for all the congrats and whatnot for my engagement last weekend. I won’t bore you all with the details in this sacred space, but it was pretty much your standard liquor-store proposal.

Back to football, this week we get a matchup that will likely determine the #1 overall seed in the playoffs, as well as the possible elimination of Billy and Alan. Let’s not waste any more time.

Week 9 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 292.55, Last Week: 1^st

Nick has been holding this spot down since Week 4, when he took over for Weissbard of all people. He owes this to an extremely solid draft, but mostly to the absurd play of the Bears D/ST. They rank as the 15^th highest-scoring player in our league, and have nearly doubled up the second best defense. The best part about all of this will be Alan’s $10 auction bid for them next August.

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 289.94, Last Week: 2^nd

The matchup of Houston and Chicago this week lines up nicely with the Kumpf/Joseph matchup, as it puts the two best teams in the real and fake leagues up against one another. The bye for Cobb and possible injuries to Harvin and Hernandez leave me a bit short handed, but the Pats/Bills matchup could give me 100 points by itself. And then there’s Doug Martin, who has averaged a cool 43.3 points per game the last two weeks, and who I would trust with my life at this point.

3.       Esco – CPP: 256.96, Last Week: 4^th

Welcome to the top 3 commish. As you can see, and as you probably already know, there is a large gap between the top 2 teams in our league and the rest of you guys. Nick and I likely have the byes wrapped up, so all that matters for everyone else is being in the best possible place come playoff time. Of the contending teams most likely to be in that place, I like Esco’s chances the most. He’s been over 90 points in 4 of the last 5 games, and odds are that DeMarco Murray comes back at some point this season. I would not want to face Esco and Sir Robert in the second round.

4.       Kimmel – CPP: 244.44, Last Week: 5^th

With the current slides of Ajay and New Gutman, we’re left with Kimmel in the 4-spot. With your receivers, I am still shocked that you have been as dominant as you have been.  You have 3 of the top 17 RBs in scoring which is impressive, but only one receiver in the top 40. The trade deadline is still two weeks away, and you’re likely getting killed this week without your Packers, so you need a trade more than anyone to stay in contention for the playoffs.

5.       New Gutman – CPP: 233.57, Last Week: 3^rd

Speaking of trades, you have one of the most interesting situations of anyone. With MJD rotting away on your bench, and your clear needs at pretty much every position but WR, a trade with a team that looks like a playoff lock could save your season. If not, have fun starting Chaz Schilens and Delone Carter.

6.       Bennett – CPP: 230.22, Last Week: 8^th

Last week Bennett got to be the token “Guy Who Played Against Doug Martin” in our league, and that couldn’t have bene more perfect. I think it’s punishment for you not changing your team name, which was terrible in August and now is just sad. Outside of Brees and AJ, and occasionally Dez, your team really has no starters you can be confident in. I was trying to figure out where you went wrong, but it’s the same answer now as it was in August: That obscene $30 Vick bid basically ruined your season. Gutman offered you some relief in the way of a trade, but you’ve had no chance since you hit “Bid.”

7.       AGD – CPP: 229.04, Last Week: 7^th

I was talking with Barnard yesterday and we both agree that you two have the most terrifying team out there. Your top 5 players are probably better than anyone else’s, and if it wasn’t for the shitshow that is the Chiefs, you’d likely be higher on this list. Instead you’re left likely needing to win out to make the playoffs, but the schedule gods have been nice as you get no teams that are above you in CPP. At this point, your matchup with Z in Week 13 has the looks of an elimination game.

8.       Ajay – CPP: 220.89, Last Week: 6^th

Your CPP trend has matched your win-loss record in going downward, but the fact remains that, barring a 2009-Barnard collapse, you’ll be in the playoffs. Matty Ice and Julio should be fine, and despite a rough schedule, AP is the best back in the league, but after that there are a lot of questions. Nicks still hasn’t come back at full strength, but Cruz doesn’t look like the force he did even three weeks ago, Antonio Brown could be out a month, Reggie is getting a reduced workload, and it feels like Kyle Rudolph hasn’t caught a pass in weeks. Amendola to the rescue?

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 204.02, Last Week: 9^th

Your team has been toiling away at .500 all year, and while it’s not exactly a fun position to be in, you’re still very much in the playoff race. Injuries to Mendenhall and Jordy really hurt, but at least you have Redman as a handcuff, and Blackmon actually found the endzone last week. As always, your chances come down to Cam, and after Denver this week, the rest of his games are against some pretty weak defenses. I’m not counting you out yet.

10.   Alan – CPP: 187.84, Last Week: 10^th

Your record is not indicative of how your team has actually played, and in terms of points per game, you’re not that far off from New Gutman. But this is Alan we’re talking about, and much like you were the victim of an insidious gas-siphoning scandal during Hurricane Sandy, you can’t catch a break in fantasy either. Having said that, your starting lineup is still legit when Ballard is the starter, so you’ll put up a fight against anyone in the Bottom-12.

11.   Donnie – CPP: 179.20, Last Week: 13^th

Look who’s on their way out of the basement. All year I’ve said that if you ever choose the right lineup, your team can hang with anyone. Lucky for you, a combination of byes and interesting choices (Ronnie Brown?) moved you to a game below .500. On the downside, the schedule is rough from here on out, and you’ll have to win three out of four if you want the playoffs. Good luck.

12.   Barnard – CPP: 178.64, Last Week: 11^th

I swear that I don’t rig these formulas against your team, but it seems like even when your roster is solid, the CPP hates you. Maybe it can just see through your bullshit. At 4-5 and with a formidable AGD waiting for you, you’ll need to really put your best foot forward this week. What’s that? You’re starting Michael Bush and Dexter McCluster? I might as well give you a consolation prize right now.

13.   Weissbard – CPP: 163.96, Last Week: 12^th

I don’t usually feel bad for people in fantasy other than Alan, but this has been a rough year for you. Injuries have fucked you, and you’ve really had no trade bait all season that wouldn’t have been selling absurdly low. You have the rare team that has no players that are having a good season. It's happened to all of us. Well, not really. But I’m sure it’s happened to someone before.

14.   Billy – CPP: 121.28, Last Week: 14^th

Billy is actually on a 2-game win streak, believe it or not. His 91.5 points last week were his most on the season, yet were still only good for 9^th in the league in Week 9. The CPP counts a week where you are in the top-7 in scoring as a “win,” and amazingly enough, Billy has yet to do that. Every other team has at least two “wins” with Nick leading the way with 7. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Don’t Drink and Draft.

Week 8 CPP Rankings

Another busy week for me, so no write-ups again. I hope all of you East Coasters are making it through this Sandy bullshit okay.

Week 8 Rankings
1. Joseph - CPP: 263.76, Last Week: 1st
2. Kumpf - CPP: 260.20, Last Week: 2nd
3. New Gutman - CPP: 233.05, Last Week: 4th
4. Esco - CPP: 227.94, Last Week: 3rd
5. Kimmel - CPP: 220.25, Last Week: 7th
6. Ajay - CPP: 213.17, Last Week: 5th
7. AGD - CPP: 208.58, Last Week: 8th
8. Bennett - CPP: 205.51, Last Week: 6th
9. Zacherman - CPP: 198.70, Last Week: 9th
10. Alan - CPP: 181.98, Last Week: 10th
11. Barnard - CPP: 178.82, Last Week: 12th
12. Weissbard - CPP: 162.95, Last Week: 11th
13. Donnie - CPP: 157.45, Last Week: 13th
14. Billy - CPP: 108.19, Last Week: 14th

Back with full write-ups next week.

Week 7 CPP Rankings

Due to the delay in these rankings, I’m not doing individual team write-ups. Instead I’ll display the rankings, give an early playoff preview, and then move on to everyone’s favorite annual gimmick, Mock Trades!

Week 7 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 240.59, Last Week: 1^st

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 229.52, Last Week: 2^nd

3.       Esco – CPP: 222.51, Last Week: 4^th

4.       New Gutman – CPP: 211.93, Last Week: 3^rd

5.       Ajay – CPP: 211.20, Last Week: 6^th

6.       Bennett – CPP: 207.13, Last Week: 7^th

7.       Kimmel – CPP: 198.87, Last Week: 10^th

8.       AGD – CPP: 193.19, Last Week: 5^th

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 190.97, Last Week: 9^th

10.   Alan – CPP: 172.81, Last Week: 11^th

11.   Weissbard – CPP: 166.74, Last Week: 8^th

12.   Barnard – CPP: 149.24, Last Week: 12^th

13.   Donnie – CPP: 139.34, Last Week: 13^th

14.   Billy – CPP: 107.03, Last Week: 14^th

Rankings Reaction

Our biggest riser was Kimmel, who has continued his improbable run towards playoff contention. The biggest reason for this has been the resurgence of Chris Johnson (RB16 on the season!), who will likely run all over the Colts this week before seeing his production fall off a cliff once again. The biggest falls were AGD and Weissbard, who each fell three spots due to exceptionally shitty weeks. AGD faced byes to Peyton, Demaryius and Charles, which is understandable, and the injury bug continues to destroy Weissbard. By the CPP’s Injury Metric, Weiss has been by far the most injury-affected team, with nearly double the injury points of the second unluckiest team, Alan.

As for the playoff picture, it looks like Joseph, Ajay and myself all have the inside track to the playoffs, and the fight for a bye will be very interesting. Esco and New Gutman look like they have a good chance based on their records and the CPP, but the final playoff spot is pretty much up for grabs. Currently it would go to Kimmel, but as I said earlier, I don’t see that production continuing. Bennett is favored based on the CPP, but it’s Bennett, so we know how that story ends.  As for the other 3-4 teams, Zacherman has a solid track record, Barnard keeps wheeling and dealing, and Donnie is lurking, so I see this playoff spot coming down to Week 13.

Now for the main event. With the Trade Deadline four short weeks away, it’s time for some Mock Trades!

Mock Trades

Esco trades Marques Colston to Donnie for Vernon Davis and Malcom Floyd

Esco fills his hole at TE, while Donnie upgrades at WR and has one less roster decision each week.

Kumpf trades Brandon Lloyd and Randall Cobb to Kimmel for Michael Turner

Kimmel gets two NFL-quality receivers while I get some much needed RB-depth.

Ajay trades Antonio Brown and James Starks to Billy for Darren Sproles and Andre Roberts        

Ajay gets some AP/Bush insurance and Billy gets a receiver to pair with Andre Johnson.

Zacherman trades Jordy Nelson and Antonio Gates to AGD for Calvin Johnson

Z finally gets a stud at any position, and AGD downgrades at WR but gets a big boost at TE.

Alan trades CJ Spiller and Jeremy Kerley to Weissbard for Hakeem Nicks and Andre Brown

Weissbard fills his desparate need for an RB, while Alan gets a high-ceiling receiver.

Gutman trades Maurice Jones-Drew to Joseph for Tony Gonzalez and Reggie Wayne

Gutman turns a bench spot into a two legit starters, while Joseph has the luxury of strengthening his roster for a Stevens Bowl push.

Barnard trades Willis McGahee and Wes Welker to Bennett for AJ Green and LaRod Stephens-Howling

Bennett balances his starting lineup with a quality RB, and Barnard sacrifices at RB to add star power.

Again, four weeks until the Trade Deadline and five weeks until the playoffs, so the time to trade is now!

Week 6 CPP Rankings

Down goes Joseph! And there will be no undefeated season once again in 2012. Looking at the standings, I noticed a few things:

1.       Our new Commissioner is taking after our deadbeat ex-Commissioner, and has still not named the divisions.

2.       Division 1, with Ajay, Esco, New Gutman, Barnard and myself is a pretty stacked division.

3.       Division 2, with Kimmel, Donnie, Alan and Billy is a pretty shitty division, despite having the only 3 Stevens Bowl champs.

4.       Our divisions are meaningless.

5.       We should make them meaningful.

While I realize that we can’t make any changes during the season, here is what I propose for next year, which can be discussed at Winter Meetings:

Three divisions, with a 5/5/4 setup like we have now, but each division winner makes the playoffs and then the next three best teams by record make it regardless of division. The schedule will not be weighted towards the divisions, this will just go for playoff consideration. But how will we determine the divisions? I’m glad you asked.

At some point during the offseason, before the draft but not during FALAFEL Draft Location Madness, we have a Division Draft, picked by the Stevens Bowl Champion, the Stevens Bowl Runner-Up, and the Consolation Game (Rodgers Bowl?) Champion. The Stevens Bowl Champ gets to choose between being in the 4-team division and having 3^rd pick in each round, or being in a 5-team division and having 1^st pick in each round. Then we have a fixed order draft to pick the divisions.

My idea can be tweaked but this adds one more draft to the year, gets our divisions named (by their captains), and is based solely on the lack of mutual respect we have for each other. Who would be first pick? Kimmel has never made the playoffs (neither have I), Bennett lost 13 straight games over two years, Barnard has some of the lowest scores in fantasy football history, Billy is constantly wasted and current has a Free Agent kicker on his roster… I’m getting excited just thinking about this.

I’m open to any suggestions about this, but I at least want it on the agenda for Winter Meetings. All I’m saying is think about it.

Week 6 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 188.13, Last Week: 1^st

Your first loss didn’t knock you off the top spot, but it did narrow the gap considerably between you and me. Honestly, the biggest reason you lost is that the Bears D, and their TDs, were on a bye. Getting over 20 points from your defense three weeks in a row is insane, but it isn’t reliable even if they are the best D in the league. When you lose Rice and Lynch to byes later in the season you’ll be hard pressed to win, so you need to take care of business when they’re in your lineup if you want to lock down a playoff bye.

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 186.72, Last Week: 2^nd

Four games decided by less than 5 points means I could easily be 2-4. It also means I could easily be 6-0. The schedule gods were nice to me this week, as I get AGD when Peyton, Demaryius and Jamaal are all on a bye. If I can’t win this one, even without Shady, then I don’t deserve the top spot in these or any rankings.

3.       New Gutman – CPP: 186.65, Last Week: 4^th

Another close game for you as well, and I know you’re terrified of waking up Friday and seeing a stat change. Even though I think you deserve absolutely no karma this year, Decker did trip and fall on his way to an easy TD, so you should have won handily. With Decker on a bye and Jenning still banged up, you may have to choose between Chaz, Aldrick and Domenik as your starting receivers. Ew.

4.       Esco – CPP: 174.58, Last Week: 6^th

It took balls to start RG3 last week, but it certainly paid off and you wouldn’t have won without him. But that might not have even been your best move, as you had the patience to keep Felix Jones on your roster all season as nothing more than a handcuff. I can guarantee that everyone quickly ran to our free agent list looking for Jones, only to be pissed to find out he was already owned. Well everyone except Billy, who drunkenly tried to pick up Emmitt Smith.

5.       AGD – CPP: 171.82, Last Week: 5^th

There should be no way in hell that you can compete with me this week, without your three best players so far, and a tough matchup for your fourth. So why am I so nervous? You’ve managed to acquire pretty decent depth despite limited waiver wire moves, and your top three active players all play on MNF, which will scare the shit out of me. I see another close matchup for my squad this week.

6.       Ajay – CPP: 160.28, Last Week: 3^rd

You’re sitting nicely at 5-1, but slowly moving down these rankings, and this week you lose Matty Ice, Julio and Reggie to byes. Not only that, but Nicks is back to steal redzone targets from Cruz, Amendola is out a couple of months, and the Vikings appear scared to use AP near the goalline. Could this be the beginning of a collapse for last year’s runner-up? I doubt that, but you no longer are a front-runner for a bye in my book.

7.       Bennett – CPP: 156.11, Last Week: 10^th

Your improbable rise is due to some stellar performances by  your personal Gang Green(e), which I’m sure will be your next team name. The problem with relying on players like Shonn Greene and Brian Hartline is that they’re just not very good, so they might give you 30 point games one week, and then disappear for two months. To make any noise this year, you’ll need Brees and AJ to carry you, as a down week from either of them all but guarantees a loss. Not a position I’d like to be in, but it could be a lot worse.

8.       Weissbard – CPP: 150.61, Last Week: 7^th

Usually injuries hit all teams pretty evenly, but you are getting by far the worst of it this year. You have to assume that things will even out over the course of the season, but at 1-5, you don’t really have the luxury of the long view. You need wins now. Lucky for you, the G-Men get the Skins’ porous defense, so you might have a fighting chance against New Gutman.

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 146.19, Last Week: 9^th

You got 30 from Jordy, 20 from Gates and 18 from Bradshaw last week. And that’s it. If it didn’t happen to be Cam’s bye week and you didn’t happen to be playing Kimmel, you could easily be over .500 right now. Even so, the trade with Esco has put you in view of the playoffs, and your roster is deeper than most. You get the chance to see who really won that trade this week, in a pivotal Week 7 matchup with the Commish.

10.   Kimmel – CPP: 146.01, Last Week: 11^th

I didn’t think you had it in you, but a solid Week 7 should put you in the top 10, and you’re currently leading Division Three, for whatever that’s worth. Ironically enough for a team with Aaron Rodgers, the thing that will hurt your team most is the return of Greg Jennings, as it will basically render James Jones as useless as the rest of your receivers. Sitting at 3-3 right now, a trade for a receiver might put you in a position to make the playoffs, and everyone needs RBs, so you need a trade more than anyone else in this league.

11.   Alan – CPP: 143.48, Last Week: 8^th

Your team’s performance last week was very similar to your new team name: It doesn’t illicit much of a reaction, it’s a sad attempt at a comeback, and it has a weird space in the middle. At this point in the season, I’d say a 0-6 team is out, a 1-5 team has to win every week, and a 2-4 team can only afford one bye-related fuck-up. You still haven’t had the byes for Gore, Spiller or Torrey, yet this week you’re starting Jeremy Kerley. I don’t like the 2012 outlook for the first ever FALAFEL champ.

12.   Barnard – CPP: 127.32, Last Week: 13^th

Despite that abomination of a trade a couple weeks ago, your starting lineup is actually extremely solid. It doesn’t strike me as a championship lineup, but it is probably a playoff lineup. Your only really tough matchups the rest of the way are against Ajay and Nick, so you could conceivably end up 8-5. However if even one of your guys goes down with an injury, you’ll likely lose out. No pressure or anything.

13.   Donnie – CPP: 111.64, Last Week: 12^th

You’re currently leaving 19.43 points on your bench per game, which is 12 points worse than New Gutman, who has set the best lineups this year. This is mainly due to the clusterfucks at RB in Carolina and at WR in San Diego, which you somehow have every member of. I don’t think that amount of inconsistency will lead to a playoff run, but you have a chance to win every week…

14.   Billy – CPP: 87.60, Last Week: 14^th

…which is more than I can say for you Billy. Despite drafting drunk, I feel like your team isn’t all that bad. You’re basically solid everywhere but WR2 and TE, and even there you have serviceable players. Only God knows why Billy Cundiff is on your roster, but nothing else there screams 0-6 to me. The worst part about it is that you haven’t even been in the top 7 in scoring for any week, so you’re a legit 0-6. It might be time to start thinking about next year, as you’re in line for the earliest ever consolation prize.