The past couple of weeks I’ve been all over the country, and I’m so exhausted that I could collapse (sorry to bring up a sore subject Ajay), but this week I will get back to the usual rankings format you all know and love. So let’s not waste any time with a long intro…
Bitching About Kicking
After two weeks of one side throwing up a shutout, both the experts and randomness scored last week. Rackers put up 15 and Suisham nearly matched him with 13, making the overall score, Experts – 25, Randomness – 23. For the record, that’s a whopping .67 difference in points per game, which really speaks to the value of kickers. Oddly enough, I happen to own the top overall kicker this year. Go figure.
This Week: Experts have Rackers again, Randomness has the Vikings’ Ryan Longwell.
Week 4 Rankings
1. Esco – CPP: 160.61 – Last Week: 2nd
Putting up 120 with Vick only contributing 9 before going down to yet another injury is pretty impressive. You definitely have the most consistent core of players in our league, but with Benson’s looming suspension and the fact that Daniel Thomas and Sid Rice probably won’t put up double digits every week, I think you need help from your QB. With Vick a major question mark and Bradford banged up himself, I might consider trading some of your depth for a reliable backup (I know a brown man in mourning today who has some extra QBs). You face off against Billy this week, and his improbable 2-1 record without Foster. Yahoo says blowout, I say close game, we both say you win.
2. Autodraft – CPP: 153.04 – Last Week: 9th
I really hate to give you any credit for this team, so I won’t. I can give you credit for players you actually picked, so from the draft it’s just Tony G, Ben Tate and Ricky. Since then, you’ve picked up Joseph Addai and Jason Snelling. So with that core, I have to say good job. Tate has been solid so far, Addai surprised the world by scoring last week, and Gonzalez is apparently not dead. Too bad the carries will start to drift towards Delone Carter, Arian is now back, and I still think Gonzalez is dead. You have 3 wins more than I thought you would, and apparently the top 2 WRs in the league, but I think this week I start to bring you back to earth. Sorry my friend.
3. Kumpf – CPP: 137.25 – Last Week: 3rd
It appears the Mike Tolbert Experience has ended, which upsets me, but I don’t think my team was relying on him anyway. I’m as shocked as everyone else is about how Fitzpatrick is playing, but I’m riding that Hahvahd horse until he proves me wrong (anyone want Schaub?). I really wish I didn’t spend so much on Dallas Clark, but I’m convinced Collins/Painter will have no choice but to rely on him, so I’m not giving up yet. I know most of you don’t want to root for me, but for the good of mankind against machines (or in this case Autodraft), you need to be pulling for me to dethrone the Champ this week.
4. Ajay – CPP: 123.46 – Last Week: 7th
I realize that there’s really nothing I can say to make you feel better about the most devastating collapse in regular-season sports history, but here goes: You became the first person other than Nayak to win our Fantasy Baseball championship while still preserving it for Indians everywhere, you look poised to make the playoffs for the first time in the league’s current format, you have two top ten QBs to choose from and a looming giant in Roy Helu, and you get to hang out with Lowe more now as he watches the Yankees run train through the American League on the way to World Series #28. Did that help?
5. Barnard – CPP: 115.17 – Last Week: 12th
What the fuck are you doing in the top 5? I need to have Gutman re-do this formula because I was sure there was a constraint that says you couldn’t get higher than 7th. Your team has probably improved the most over the first 3 weeks, without actually having changed its members. Fred Jackson is riding the Bills wave, AP is AP, SJax is coming back, and Lance Moore appears to have regained the favor of Brees. Matty Ice and Bowe are still terrible picks, but you have Henne and Denarius Moore to fall back on, which isn’t as terrible as I thought. And you get to face a reeling Zacherman this week, who is apparently suffering the Stevens Bowl Loser Curse. I don’t know who the league collectively enjoys rooting against more.
6. Lutz – CPP: 109.06 – Last Week: 13th
We need to have a talk Billy. In Week 2 you started Lloyd when he was announced as not playing. You had a nice bounce back in Week 3, and you should be getting Foster back this week, but look at your bench! You have the rare distinction of having not 1 but 2 players who have not scored a point or gained a yard all season. Why is Ryan Torain on your roster? Why is TO even available to be on a roster in Yahoo? In this league, with our current waiver system, if you’re on the bottom half (which you were last week), you need to make an improvement otherwise you may not get a chance again for a month. I also find it funny that you have two TEs on your team, and they have a combined 6 points on the season. Get on that Lutz.
7. Gutman – CPP: 108.76 – Last Week: 14th
Hey look who’s out of the cellar! This means you totally won those trades right? The Andre for DMC swap worked well for you, as McFadden tore up Rex Ryan’s lap band on the way to 29 points. Even Plax was useful , putting up 11. But let’s take a closer look. DMC now has groin tightness (ew) and his backup put up double digits last week. Plax only had 3 catches in a game that the Jets needed to pass because they were down big. That’s looking more like an aberration than a constant. And the Vick trade certainly looks good after one week, thanks to the Dog-Killer’s injury, but your main man Hightower only amassed 41 yards on the ground, and Helu is coming on fast. Congrats on your first win, but it may be one of the few for you this year.
8. AGD – CPP: 106.49 – Last Week: 1st
You guys really are all over these rankings, having hit first twice in the first four weeks, then plummeting. Most of that has to do not with your team, but the fact that the 340 points you’ve allowed is only one point less than our highest scoring team has scored. These things usually even themselves out (unless you’re Nick, which I’ll get to later), so I wouldn’t worry too much. Your three-headed monster at RB is unmatched in our league, you have solid receivers, and thanks to neither Jersey team being able to run the ball, your QBs are actually startable, for now. If I were you I would still look for more consistency at QB and perhaps an upgrade at WR, but otherwise this is a playoff team.
9. Weissbard – CPP: 103.63 – Last Week: 4th
This team is Brady surrounded by mediocrity. Other than the newly clean-cut Pats QB, as well as VJax and Nicks when he’s healthy, you don’t have anyone that screams “must-start.” That’s a tough spot to be in, but if Brady can keep putting up Marino numbers it shouldn’t matter. You get to pick on Bennett this week, who’s team apparently went to shit faster than the Sox playoff hopes, so I see you getting to .500.
10. Alan – CPP: 96.03 – Last Week: 6th
And thus begins the steady decline of the Muffin Man. Losing Charles was unfair, no one deserves that, especially not you, but making a dumb trade on top of it? There’s no way to bounce back from that. Last week your team wasn’t terrible, you made a smart pickup of Victor Cruz, Sproles and Olsen scored, everything looked like you could hand me my first loss. But then I realized I was playing against Danny Woodhead instead of Darren McFadden. Oops. All is not lost though, as you can still make a trade for depth at RB, if you have the balls.
11. Joseph – CPP: 88.11 – Last Week: 8th
I don’t recall you doing anything particularly bad to fuck this league over while you were commish, but apparently the karma gods hate you. Through three weeks, you’re fifth in scoring, yet sit at 0-3 thanks to letting up a shocking 115 points per game. This may sound familiar, as last year you were among the leaders in scoring for the first half of the year, only to see your record at 2-5. Regardless you sit as our only winless team, even with Rodgers brilliance, Gronkowski’s scoring binge, and Jordy Nelson’s fantasy relevance. Maybe it’s because Chad Henne has more rushing yards and TDs than Chris Johnson. But then again maybe it’s due to a higher power.
12. Zacherman – CPP: 81.47 – Last Week: 11th
I sure didn’t think we would see you down here for multiple weeks after the draft. What happened? I look at your roster and I still think it’s as good as anyone else’s in this league. Gates’ injury has been rough, but not bad enough to tank your entire roster. You even have the number one fantasy surprise in Cam Newton. I don’t think it’s panic time for you either, but a loss to Barnard and a 1-3 record is tough to swallow.
13. Kimmel – CPP: 77.92 – Last Week: 5th
Your chances of a Fantasy Football title went out the window with Kenny Britt’s ACL (Did anyone see that play? Him throwing the ball after the injury was amazing). But look on the bright side, the champion of our Keeper Baseball League is Team Kimmel? (Yes, Ajay is so lazy that he only added a question mark to Kimmel’s old team name. In hindsight we should have thought of this before electing him commissioner.) Thanks to Ryan Mathews’ emergence, your team isn’t completely dead, but losing both Peyton and Britt in a 14-team league is hard to recover from.
14. Bennett – CPP: 69.02 – Last Week: 10th
I have to admit, I was excited when you changed your team name. For weeks I had been sitting there wondering what link was so awesome that you felt it had to be your team name. My hopes obviously were not too high, considering it’s you, but still to put your entire season in the hands of a link, it had to have some upside. As it turns out, you just love watching a ripped black guy work out while shirtless for 10 minutes. Also, your team sucks.
See you in October.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Week 3 Rankings
I have had literally no time to type these up again this week, hopefully next week I get back on track. So I will be looking at the monster trades that just went down and then giving the rankings with one sentence on each team. If you don’t like it, then convince Joseph to actually put out a weekly rankings in a legible format.
Bitching About Kicking
Last Week: Gostkowski – 10, Hauschka – 0
Season: Experts – 10, Randomness – 10
This Week: Experts have Neil Rackers, Randomness has the Steelers’ Shaun Suisham
Trade Analysis
Considering three players who fetched more than $40 in the auction got traded this week, I think it’s time to reflect on the trades. One of them was a win-win, one was a trade rape, and one was a lose-lose. Let’s take a look.
Win-Win: Donaldson trades Greg Olsen to Alan for Joseph Addai
While many people thought this was one-sided in favor of Donnie, I don’t see it that way. The Colts suck, and will not be running out the clock much if ever this season. And once they’re 0-8, why would they risk injuring the oft-hurt Addai, instead of giving Donald Brown or Delone Carter a real shot? If by some miracle Peyton comes back and turns things around quickly, then Addai has some value but otherwise I don’t see him as startable.
As for Olsen, with the way Cam has played through two weeks, I consider any of his weapons as a viable fantasy option. And with Hernandez down, there’s a distinct chance that Brady starts banging Gronkowski exclusively and leaves no room for Hernandez in their threesome. I like the trade for everyone.
Trade Rape: Gutman trades Vick and Ryan Grant to Esco for Cutler and Tim Hightower
This is just ridiculous. With all the options Esco has at RB, why go for the one that is most likely to lose his job? Shanahan has admitted his man crush on Roy Helu publicly, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him as RB1 as soon as Week 6. Well done Esco, you are now listed as a Registered Sex Offender in fantasy circles.
Lose-Lose: Gutman trades Andre and Woodhead to Alan for DMC and Plax
You guys are dumb. Both of you have extreme roster issues, Alan due to J-Charles’s injury and Gutman due to a terrible draft strategy. When it looks as if your team is falling apart, you have only 2 options. Either ride it out as is, and hope for the best, or start over, sell off your assets and try to make the most respectable team possible.
Well you did neither of that. You both had one coveted piece of trade bait and you traded them for each other. That leaves neither of you in a better position. Woodhead and Plax are not startable for a team that has a chance to win a game, so I really don’t know what you guys were doing.
Full disclosure: I was negotiating trades with both of them, and they pulled this out behind my back. I was offering each of them 2 starters and 1 borderline starter for Andre or DMC. I’m fine with my team, one of two teams that had a human drafting them and started 2-0, but you guys will regret this trade immediately.
Week 3 Rankings
1. AGD – CPP: 147.74 – Last Week: 11th
You had just about the perfect week, I honestly love your team.
2. Esco – CPP: 142.86 – Last Week: 1st
That is one scary team sir.
3. Kumpf – CPP: 132.31 – Last Week: 7th
Thanks to being spurned by Alan and Gutman so they could fuck both their own teams, I have a glut of startable talent on the trade block.
4. Weissbard – CPP: 130.95 – Last Week: 13th
Even your bench showed up, what a bounce back.
5. Kimmel – CPP: 124.65 – Last Week: 8th
Only you can start your ideal roster for the week and still find a way to get a 2-point effort from Braylon Edwards involved.
6. Alan – CPP: 115.69 – Last Week: 3rd
You will not win another game this season.
7. Ajay – CPP: 109.35 – Last Week: 12th
Good to see the strategy works, bad to see Austin go down for a few weeks.
8. Joseph – CPP: 104.79 – Last Week: 9th
Javon Ringer outscored a healthy CJ, which just about sums up your luck in fantasy the last two years.
9. Autodraft – CPP: 103.68 – Last Week: 6th
You won again you sand baggin’ son of a bitch.
10. Bennett – CPP: 94.35 – Last Week: 4th
Change your team name.
11. Zacherman – CPP: 91.70 – Last Week: 5th
I beat you two years in a row, and it appears you should be starting Cam.
12. Barnard – CPP: 90.90 – Last Week: 14th
I don’t wish those kinds of losses on anyone. Besides you.
13. Lutz – CPP: 79.33 – Last Week: 2nd
Starting a player who has been doubtful all week and ruled out hours before kickoff is the first step to getting kicked out of the league (ask Long).
14. Gutman – CPP: 62.40 – Last Week: 10th
Your optimal lineup scored 66 points last week, or just more than double what Cam Newton put up on Green Bay.
Bitching About Kicking
Last Week: Gostkowski – 10, Hauschka – 0
Season: Experts – 10, Randomness – 10
This Week: Experts have Neil Rackers, Randomness has the Steelers’ Shaun Suisham
Trade Analysis
Considering three players who fetched more than $40 in the auction got traded this week, I think it’s time to reflect on the trades. One of them was a win-win, one was a trade rape, and one was a lose-lose. Let’s take a look.
Win-Win: Donaldson trades Greg Olsen to Alan for Joseph Addai
While many people thought this was one-sided in favor of Donnie, I don’t see it that way. The Colts suck, and will not be running out the clock much if ever this season. And once they’re 0-8, why would they risk injuring the oft-hurt Addai, instead of giving Donald Brown or Delone Carter a real shot? If by some miracle Peyton comes back and turns things around quickly, then Addai has some value but otherwise I don’t see him as startable.
As for Olsen, with the way Cam has played through two weeks, I consider any of his weapons as a viable fantasy option. And with Hernandez down, there’s a distinct chance that Brady starts banging Gronkowski exclusively and leaves no room for Hernandez in their threesome. I like the trade for everyone.
Trade Rape: Gutman trades Vick and Ryan Grant to Esco for Cutler and Tim Hightower
This is just ridiculous. With all the options Esco has at RB, why go for the one that is most likely to lose his job? Shanahan has admitted his man crush on Roy Helu publicly, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him as RB1 as soon as Week 6. Well done Esco, you are now listed as a Registered Sex Offender in fantasy circles.
Lose-Lose: Gutman trades Andre and Woodhead to Alan for DMC and Plax
You guys are dumb. Both of you have extreme roster issues, Alan due to J-Charles’s injury and Gutman due to a terrible draft strategy. When it looks as if your team is falling apart, you have only 2 options. Either ride it out as is, and hope for the best, or start over, sell off your assets and try to make the most respectable team possible.
Well you did neither of that. You both had one coveted piece of trade bait and you traded them for each other. That leaves neither of you in a better position. Woodhead and Plax are not startable for a team that has a chance to win a game, so I really don’t know what you guys were doing.
Full disclosure: I was negotiating trades with both of them, and they pulled this out behind my back. I was offering each of them 2 starters and 1 borderline starter for Andre or DMC. I’m fine with my team, one of two teams that had a human drafting them and started 2-0, but you guys will regret this trade immediately.
Week 3 Rankings
1. AGD – CPP: 147.74 – Last Week: 11th
You had just about the perfect week, I honestly love your team.
2. Esco – CPP: 142.86 – Last Week: 1st
That is one scary team sir.
3. Kumpf – CPP: 132.31 – Last Week: 7th
Thanks to being spurned by Alan and Gutman so they could fuck both their own teams, I have a glut of startable talent on the trade block.
4. Weissbard – CPP: 130.95 – Last Week: 13th
Even your bench showed up, what a bounce back.
5. Kimmel – CPP: 124.65 – Last Week: 8th
Only you can start your ideal roster for the week and still find a way to get a 2-point effort from Braylon Edwards involved.
6. Alan – CPP: 115.69 – Last Week: 3rd
You will not win another game this season.
7. Ajay – CPP: 109.35 – Last Week: 12th
Good to see the strategy works, bad to see Austin go down for a few weeks.
8. Joseph – CPP: 104.79 – Last Week: 9th
Javon Ringer outscored a healthy CJ, which just about sums up your luck in fantasy the last two years.
9. Autodraft – CPP: 103.68 – Last Week: 6th
You won again you sand baggin’ son of a bitch.
10. Bennett – CPP: 94.35 – Last Week: 4th
Change your team name.
11. Zacherman – CPP: 91.70 – Last Week: 5th
I beat you two years in a row, and it appears you should be starting Cam.
12. Barnard – CPP: 90.90 – Last Week: 14th
I don’t wish those kinds of losses on anyone. Besides you.
13. Lutz – CPP: 79.33 – Last Week: 2nd
Starting a player who has been doubtful all week and ruled out hours before kickoff is the first step to getting kicked out of the league (ask Long).
14. Gutman – CPP: 62.40 – Last Week: 10th
Your optimal lineup scored 66 points last week, or just more than double what Cam Newton put up on Green Bay.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Week 2 Rankings
Before I get to the rankings, let me just give my opinion on the poll, in which I am in the clear minority. Porn is everywhere. There is literally no limit to what you can watch, which is both amazing and occasionally horrifying. But they’re all random people that, as soon as you see them, you’re aware that you will see them naked and typically penetrated. While I know Barnard thinks he knows most of them intimately, for the general public, videos can pretty much all be labeled “Hot Girl X Getting Pounded.”
But with celebrities, it’s different. You see them in movies, most of them starting when they’re in their late teens, early twenties. There are pretty much four ways a celebrity can do the whole nudity thing: Early and often, sparingly but effectively, as a late bloomer, or hacked pictures/videos. Examples of early and often include people like Kate Winslet, Anna Paquin (not including the goose movie), and Keira Knightley. Sparingly but effective would include Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway (who’s dangerously close to becoming Early and Often), and Halle Berry. Late bloomers can be disgusting (Diane Keaton) or amazing (Marisa Tomei), there is no in between. And then there’s the hacked pictures/videos which include nearly all sex tapes as well as Miss Johannson’s current scandal.
I enjoy each of these categories, but the last one is the best, because any of the other ones has some sort of expectation with it. Any Kate Winslet movie you know has a 75% chance of nudity, while there’s a less chance with Halle Berry. Back in the 90’s, there was no chance of seeing Marisa Tomei nude, but today I’d say she’s about 50/50. But the surprise of seeing ScarJo’s tits yesterday was really enjoyable for me, because you knew that her best case scenario was as a late bloomer, when they would be sagging to her knees.
So now that I have stated my case, I will offer a comparison to justify my viewpoint. Porn is like getting a hooker, whereas celebrity stuff is more like a one night stand. If you get a hooker, you know that you’re going to have sex, it won’t be particularly special, it could get weird, and there’s a good chance that more than one dick will be involved. But if you have a one night stand, you really don’t know what to expect, how far it will go, and you actually “know” the girl a little bit. I completely understand and appreciate the porn viewpoint, but I am passionate about my stance.
Bitching About Kicking
Well this segment certainly got off to a bang last week, with ESPN top kicker Nate Kaeding tearing his ACL on the first play of the season and throwing up a goose-egg. My random kicker, the lowly Bengals’ Mike Nugent, had a solid day with 2 FGs and 3 PATs for 10 points. So the score for the season is Randomness 10-Experts 0.
This week ESPN gives their kiss of death to Stephen Gostkowski, who we can all hope suffers a similar fate as Kaeding. My random kicker this week is Steve Hauschka from the high-scoring Seahawks. After drawing the Bengals and Seahawks in Weeks 1 and 2, I really should be digging myself in a hole, if it takes skill to play kickers in fantasy. And I think Janikowski deserved like 10 points for a 63-yard FG, if only because Donnie would have beaten Barnard by even more.
Week 2 Rankings
Because I’m short on time, I’m doing a small gimmick this week: Facts and Flukes. I’ll list a player from each team that had a Week 1 that will be indicative of his 2011 performance, and one who’s Week 1 was an aberration.
1. Esco – CPP: 157.82 – Last Week: 9th
Fact: Raymell Rice. What a game from the man who will be the top fantasy RB in 2011. The Ravens won’t look that good every week, but I see no reason why Ray will stop that production.
Fluke: Cedric Benson. His point total was aided by a long TD run at the very end of the game. He might put up 6-8 points per game, but don’t expect double digits too often.
2. Lutz – CPP: 140.26 – Last Week: 7th
Fact: LT. He’s a solid flex play who I still think should be starting over Green. He’ll have similar production to Benson, but on a better team, giving him a higher ceiling. Between him, an apparently juvenated/healthy Reggie, and Arian, that’s a solid RB stable to go with Brees.
Fluke: Percy Harvin. Yeah 7 points isn’t bad. But Donovan is, and his TD came on a kick return. The Vikings are in trouble, as is any team relying on their players.
3. Alan – CPP: 127.91 – Last Week: 3rd
Fact: Dez Bryant. Damn he looked good before he got banged up. If he stays healthy I can easily see him being the top overall WR this year.
Fluke: Plaxico. It’s okay to rely on the big play for a flex play or a bye week replacement, but when you need that kind of luck for your WR2, you’re too thin at that position.
4. Bennett – CPP: 126.77 – Last Week: 11th
Fact: DeSean. I really hate him and would never have him on my own team, but Vick looks his way every damn time. I don’t know if Vine Young will do the same, but for now he’s a top tier receiver.
Fluke: Mendenhall. 2 points? From the Steelers starting RB? We won’t see that again this season.
5. Zacherman – CPP: 121.49 – Last Week: 2nd
Fact: Rivers. He’ll be money all year, even if Mike Tolbert is his preferred redzone target.
Fluke: Obviously Cam. An insane performance, but apparently the Cards are starting David Marks in their secondary.
6. Autodraft – CPP: 115.95 – Last Week: 14th
Fact: Calvin. That Lions offense looks legit, and Stafford loves him some Megatron.
Fluke: Welker, Tate, Steve Smith, you winning. You had the perfect week against the least respected team in the league. I can still see a 1-12 season coming your way.
7. Kumpf – CPP: 104.56 – Last Week: 4th
Fact: Jahvid Best. I still think he was the steal of the draft at $15, considering what some of you are starting at RB.
Fluke: Tolbert. 3 TD’s? Maybe. Two of them receiving? Never gonna happen again.
8. Kimmel – CPP: 93.31 – Last Week: 8th
Fact: Jets D. They may not get you 18 every week, but they are probably your best players.
Fluke: Kenny Britt. Did anyone see the missed tackle on his long TD? That defender should be thrown out of the league. Or at least be put on the Giants.
9. Joseph – CPP: 89.12 – Last Week: 6th
Fact: Rodgers. Honestly he might have under-performed because Starks and Kuhn stole some TDs. That is a hell of an offense, and you may not have overpaid that badly.
Fluke: CJ2K. With the lack of other weapons on that offense, teams can key on him, but he won’t be held under 5 again this season.
10. Gutman – CPP: 76.74 – Last Week: 10th
Fact: Vick. Under 50% completions, but still over 20 points? Sounds like an old-school Vick stat line. As long as he’s healthy he was worth the cost. Which should last another week or two.
Fluke: Ocho. As much as the media has made of his no-show on MNF, the Pats didn’t need him. I can’t see Brady lasting another week without getting Chad into the endzone.
11. AGD – CPP: 74.65 – Last Week: 1st
Fact: Turner. Even without scoring he put up double digits, in a game the Falcons were trailing the whole time. I think he’s easily a top 10 RB this year, especially when he starts finding the endzone.
Fluke: Sanchize. Don’t even think about starting him. He won’t break 300 again in his career, and he was facing the Cowboys 3rd string corners for half the game.
12. Ajay – CPP: 67.96 – Last Week: 13th
Fact: Stafford. You have a full blown QB controversy on your hands. Talk to Kimmel, he’s starting Cassel and picked up both Alex Smith and Rex Grossman this week.
Fluke: Roddy and Fitz combining for 12. I think you still need to wait before you blow up this experiment entirely.
13. Weissbard – CPP: 66.08 – Last Week: 4th
Fact: Brady. Yeah he won’t throw for over 500 every week, but I can see him seriously threatening Marino’s single season passing record, and why wouldn’t he want to crush another one of the Dolphins’ dreams?
Fluke: Vincent Jackson. He’s still option 1B behind Gates in an offense that will be scoring a ton of points this year.
14. Barnard – CPP: 64.19 – Last Week: 11th
Fact: You may not win a game this year.
Fluke: AP in single digits. He’s all they have and they should ride him into the ground. Too bad it won’t matter for you.
Sorry for the abbreviated rankings, but I had an interview and other shit to do this week, combined with Gutman’s tardiness. We’ve had two minor trades this year so far, anyone want to break down the winners and losers for the blog?
But with celebrities, it’s different. You see them in movies, most of them starting when they’re in their late teens, early twenties. There are pretty much four ways a celebrity can do the whole nudity thing: Early and often, sparingly but effectively, as a late bloomer, or hacked pictures/videos. Examples of early and often include people like Kate Winslet, Anna Paquin (not including the goose movie), and Keira Knightley. Sparingly but effective would include Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway (who’s dangerously close to becoming Early and Often), and Halle Berry. Late bloomers can be disgusting (Diane Keaton) or amazing (Marisa Tomei), there is no in between. And then there’s the hacked pictures/videos which include nearly all sex tapes as well as Miss Johannson’s current scandal.
I enjoy each of these categories, but the last one is the best, because any of the other ones has some sort of expectation with it. Any Kate Winslet movie you know has a 75% chance of nudity, while there’s a less chance with Halle Berry. Back in the 90’s, there was no chance of seeing Marisa Tomei nude, but today I’d say she’s about 50/50. But the surprise of seeing ScarJo’s tits yesterday was really enjoyable for me, because you knew that her best case scenario was as a late bloomer, when they would be sagging to her knees.
So now that I have stated my case, I will offer a comparison to justify my viewpoint. Porn is like getting a hooker, whereas celebrity stuff is more like a one night stand. If you get a hooker, you know that you’re going to have sex, it won’t be particularly special, it could get weird, and there’s a good chance that more than one dick will be involved. But if you have a one night stand, you really don’t know what to expect, how far it will go, and you actually “know” the girl a little bit. I completely understand and appreciate the porn viewpoint, but I am passionate about my stance.
Bitching About Kicking
Well this segment certainly got off to a bang last week, with ESPN top kicker Nate Kaeding tearing his ACL on the first play of the season and throwing up a goose-egg. My random kicker, the lowly Bengals’ Mike Nugent, had a solid day with 2 FGs and 3 PATs for 10 points. So the score for the season is Randomness 10-Experts 0.
This week ESPN gives their kiss of death to Stephen Gostkowski, who we can all hope suffers a similar fate as Kaeding. My random kicker this week is Steve Hauschka from the high-scoring Seahawks. After drawing the Bengals and Seahawks in Weeks 1 and 2, I really should be digging myself in a hole, if it takes skill to play kickers in fantasy. And I think Janikowski deserved like 10 points for a 63-yard FG, if only because Donnie would have beaten Barnard by even more.
Week 2 Rankings
Because I’m short on time, I’m doing a small gimmick this week: Facts and Flukes. I’ll list a player from each team that had a Week 1 that will be indicative of his 2011 performance, and one who’s Week 1 was an aberration.
1. Esco – CPP: 157.82 – Last Week: 9th
Fact: Raymell Rice. What a game from the man who will be the top fantasy RB in 2011. The Ravens won’t look that good every week, but I see no reason why Ray will stop that production.
Fluke: Cedric Benson. His point total was aided by a long TD run at the very end of the game. He might put up 6-8 points per game, but don’t expect double digits too often.
2. Lutz – CPP: 140.26 – Last Week: 7th
Fact: LT. He’s a solid flex play who I still think should be starting over Green. He’ll have similar production to Benson, but on a better team, giving him a higher ceiling. Between him, an apparently juvenated/healthy Reggie, and Arian, that’s a solid RB stable to go with Brees.
Fluke: Percy Harvin. Yeah 7 points isn’t bad. But Donovan is, and his TD came on a kick return. The Vikings are in trouble, as is any team relying on their players.
3. Alan – CPP: 127.91 – Last Week: 3rd
Fact: Dez Bryant. Damn he looked good before he got banged up. If he stays healthy I can easily see him being the top overall WR this year.
Fluke: Plaxico. It’s okay to rely on the big play for a flex play or a bye week replacement, but when you need that kind of luck for your WR2, you’re too thin at that position.
4. Bennett – CPP: 126.77 – Last Week: 11th
Fact: DeSean. I really hate him and would never have him on my own team, but Vick looks his way every damn time. I don’t know if Vine Young will do the same, but for now he’s a top tier receiver.
Fluke: Mendenhall. 2 points? From the Steelers starting RB? We won’t see that again this season.
5. Zacherman – CPP: 121.49 – Last Week: 2nd
Fact: Rivers. He’ll be money all year, even if Mike Tolbert is his preferred redzone target.
Fluke: Obviously Cam. An insane performance, but apparently the Cards are starting David Marks in their secondary.
6. Autodraft – CPP: 115.95 – Last Week: 14th
Fact: Calvin. That Lions offense looks legit, and Stafford loves him some Megatron.
Fluke: Welker, Tate, Steve Smith, you winning. You had the perfect week against the least respected team in the league. I can still see a 1-12 season coming your way.
7. Kumpf – CPP: 104.56 – Last Week: 4th
Fact: Jahvid Best. I still think he was the steal of the draft at $15, considering what some of you are starting at RB.
Fluke: Tolbert. 3 TD’s? Maybe. Two of them receiving? Never gonna happen again.
8. Kimmel – CPP: 93.31 – Last Week: 8th
Fact: Jets D. They may not get you 18 every week, but they are probably your best players.
Fluke: Kenny Britt. Did anyone see the missed tackle on his long TD? That defender should be thrown out of the league. Or at least be put on the Giants.
9. Joseph – CPP: 89.12 – Last Week: 6th
Fact: Rodgers. Honestly he might have under-performed because Starks and Kuhn stole some TDs. That is a hell of an offense, and you may not have overpaid that badly.
Fluke: CJ2K. With the lack of other weapons on that offense, teams can key on him, but he won’t be held under 5 again this season.
10. Gutman – CPP: 76.74 – Last Week: 10th
Fact: Vick. Under 50% completions, but still over 20 points? Sounds like an old-school Vick stat line. As long as he’s healthy he was worth the cost. Which should last another week or two.
Fluke: Ocho. As much as the media has made of his no-show on MNF, the Pats didn’t need him. I can’t see Brady lasting another week without getting Chad into the endzone.
11. AGD – CPP: 74.65 – Last Week: 1st
Fact: Turner. Even without scoring he put up double digits, in a game the Falcons were trailing the whole time. I think he’s easily a top 10 RB this year, especially when he starts finding the endzone.
Fluke: Sanchize. Don’t even think about starting him. He won’t break 300 again in his career, and he was facing the Cowboys 3rd string corners for half the game.
12. Ajay – CPP: 67.96 – Last Week: 13th
Fact: Stafford. You have a full blown QB controversy on your hands. Talk to Kimmel, he’s starting Cassel and picked up both Alex Smith and Rex Grossman this week.
Fluke: Roddy and Fitz combining for 12. I think you still need to wait before you blow up this experiment entirely.
13. Weissbard – CPP: 66.08 – Last Week: 4th
Fact: Brady. Yeah he won’t throw for over 500 every week, but I can see him seriously threatening Marino’s single season passing record, and why wouldn’t he want to crush another one of the Dolphins’ dreams?
Fluke: Vincent Jackson. He’s still option 1B behind Gates in an offense that will be scoring a ton of points this year.
14. Barnard – CPP: 64.19 – Last Week: 11th
Fact: You may not win a game this year.
Fluke: AP in single digits. He’s all they have and they should ride him into the ground. Too bad it won’t matter for you.
Sorry for the abbreviated rankings, but I had an interview and other shit to do this week, combined with Gutman’s tardiness. We’ve had two minor trades this year so far, anyone want to break down the winners and losers for the blog?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Week 1 Rankings
Real football starts in a few hours, but how can we go into Week 1 without knowing which team in our fake league is the strongest? If only there was some all-knowing statistic that could be used to rank each team in a subjective and slightly objective manner. What’s that? You know of a statistic like that? My God, that’s the CPP’s music!
After spending nine months and a lockout in hibernation, this is the triumphant return of the CPP! As a reminder to the FALAFEL veterans, as well as an introduction to Billy, CPP stands for Composite Points Projection. As it turns out, this does not actually project weekly scores, but does provide a way to rank each team in our league outside of their record. The CPP is calculated by Gutman and includes points scored in the past as well as projected points in the future, among other factors. It also incorporates the OAM (Owner Awareness Multiplier), which I calculate so the CPP is not entirely Gutman-biased. The OAM includes transactions made as well as actual vs. optimal lineup performance. In short, it measures how well you manage your own team.
Before we get to the main event, I’m going to preview the format of the rankings this year. A lot has changed since last season, namely that I’m now busy at work, looking for another job in Texas, and we have a blog as a platform. This means that the rankings will be more succinct (no more non-FALAFEL thoughts or REALITY CHECK!), but I will try to complement them with more material on the blog.
Having said that, there is still one section that’s not going anywhere…
Bitching About Kicking
I would like to thank Commissioner Shah for changing the kicking scoring system to the Yahoo standard, I consider that a small moral victory. But I still think that kickers are entirely useless from a fantasy perspective, and that if we want to masquerade them as real fantasy players, then we need to give them negative points just like anyone else.
So this year I will be showing how entirely unpredictable kickers are by selecting a kicker at random each week using a kicker Excel file, and comparing their score with that of the top ranked kicker on ESPN for the week. I’m fully aware that none of you care, but I’m doing this to prove a point to myself as much as anything.
So for Week 1, ESPN’s top kicker is Nate Kaeding, and my random kicker is Mike Nugent of the Bengals. We’ll see once and for all if strategy works for kickers or if it is truly random.
Week 1 Rankings
1. AGD – CPP: 87.54
I really don’t like that a team that wasn’t even at the draft, and has two owners, gets to start the league in first place, but you do have a solid team. Apparently Yahoo agrees, as they picked you as the top team after the draft on our league home-page. I still laugh when I see that you have Eli and Sanchez, but this week it shouldn’t hurt you. Nice matchups all around in Week 1, as you’ll get some questions answered about Hillis, who should run all over the Bungles, and Maclin, who should be featured in the shootout with the Rams. You get the added benefit of the league rooting for you so Bennett starts the season with a loss.
2. Zacherman – CPP: 81.84
I’m fully aware that you think you’re woefully underrated as the #2 team in this week’s rankings, but I really couldn’t care less. While I do love your starting lineup, you’re a little thin on the bench when it comes to experience. Julio, Cam, Kendricks and Alex Green are all rookies, and Beanie has yet to ever look like a pro, so your team will likely get off to slower start than you might like, especially if someone gets hurt. I still say you take down Joseph’s abomination of a team.
3. Alan – CPP: 80.2
Last year you had to deal with the burden of being the defending champ. No Super Bowl champ has repeated since the Pats in 2003, and in the 40ish fantasy leagues I’ve been in only 1 team has ever repeated. So don’t be sad Alan, get mad! And if you need any more motivation, you get to face-off against your big brother in Week 1, the same big brother who stole the 69 that was rightfully yours. So despite the fact that you actually have to choose between Plax/Driver/a guy I’ve never heard of as your WR2, I think Karma will be on your side for this week. But you do need to fix that receiver situation ASAP.
4. (tie) Weissbard – CPP: 78.08
You and I actually have the same exact CPP, but I gave you a higher draft grade, and you just got back to civilization, so you can go first this week. The thing that benefits your team the most this week is the schedule. The Jets play the Cowboys Sunday night, and I’m sure with the super-charged 9/11 Anniversary atmosphere, they will look to make a statement to open the season. Assuming they win, the Pats will be half a game back in the division for a good 20 hours. That should be more than enough motivation for Brady and Co. to go out and prove that they are just as good as the Green Men from Jersey. I can see Brady torching the Fins for 40+ easy. That should help you overcome the fact that you’re starting 2 backup RBs from teams that won’t finish .500.
4. (tie) Kumpf – CPP: 78.08
I just realized that I have 4 Lions on my roster, and none of them are Calvin or Stafford. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it’s probably the first time anyone has ever had that situation. After last year’s Favre debacle at QB, I’m putting a lot of faith in Schaub to carry me this year, and luckily he gets to do it against Kerry Collins Week 1. I face off against my CPP counterpart, and I believe I’m something like 1-6 all-time against Gutguy. Hopefully Vick just hands that ball to McCoy and I start 1-0, but I doubt it.
6. Joseph – CPP: 77.32
Times like this make me doubt the CPP system. Obviously NiJo has A-Rod and CJ2K. But that’s it. Literally. His receivers are nauseating, he’s starting a Patriots RB as well as their backup tight end, and he’s not even giving playing time to his $9 investment, Roy Williams. You better hope Rodgers to Jordy catches fire all night tonight, otherwise you’ll be playing catchup to Z all weekend.
7. Lutz – CPP: 77.08
Week 1 is typically an adjustment week in the first place, but your matchup is all about getting comfortable. Weissbard’s first week back in the states, Billy’s first week in the league. I really don’t like that you’re starting both LT and Reggie with Harvin on the bench, but I guess RBs tend to be more reliable than migraine-prone receivers. I still say that Brees and Foster can carry you in this league, provided they stay healthy and stop tweeting their MRI results.
8. Kimmel – CPP: 74.44
I’ve lost what little respect I had for you from a fantasy perspective this past baseball season. For those who don’t know, Kimmel, myself, Ware, Steve-O and Nayak have been in a fantasy baseball keeper league for 5 years now with some of Steve-O’s friends from home. Kimmel has never finished better than 7th out of 10. He backed out of the league this year, giving his team to Ajay, who is about to be the first person other than Nayak to win the championship. What does this mean for our league? Let’s just say I’m not surprised that Manning is out Week 1, Cassel has bruised ribs, Britt is constantly in legal trouble, Gore in injury-prone, Colston has no ACLs, Knowshon and Mathews haven’t ever had success, and Mike Thomas currently is being thrown to by Luke McCown. That sounds like a Kimmel-managed team to me.
9. Esco – CPP: 72.38
As much as I like your team due to its depth, you can only start seven players a week. Over the course of the season, I’m sure the depth will pay off, but for now it just leaves you with some tough roster decisions. Bradford throwing to Asomugha or Cutler throwing to the entire city of Atlanta? Rice running into Ray Lewis and Benson punching women or Daniel Thomas backing up Reggie against the Pats’ porous defense? Austin Collie with Kerry Collins throwing to him or Sidney Rice with Tarvaris Whitehurst running the offense? If Ajay’s RBs weren’t so terrible I would say you would start the year with a loss, but even if you win this will be the lowest scoring matchup of the week.
10. Gutman – CPP: 71.5
I’m sensing a pattern in how you draft. Last year it was Manning/Moss and shit for RBs, this year it’s Vick/Dre and more shit for RBs. Let’s see how that worked out for you: Moss was insanely useless, you traded him to me in a big time Trade Rape, Manning had a typically solid year, and you missed the playoffs. This year I have a hard time seeing either Vick or Andre becoming irrelevant, but Vick will miss time, and you haven’t really changed the formula from a non-playoff strategy last year. I’m fully aware that you will beat me Week 1, but long-term you gotta make some changes.
11. (tie) Bennett – CPP: 70.5
This was too good to be true. The two least respected members of the league tying for 11th place in the CPP rankings, only ahead of two teams starting UFL runningbacks. I actually like your team a lot this week Bennett. Your RBs will likely have some trouble with their respective matchups, but everyone else looks solid. I’m a little surprised you didn’t draft more RBs though. If Forte or Mendenhall goes down, or has a bye week, Roy Helu does not exactly inspire confidence as a fill-in. With the depth you have at receiver, I see a trade in your future.
11. (tie) Barnard – CPP: 70.5
I’m baffled that Yahoo only has AP projected at 13 points. He literally set the single game rushing record the last time he played the Chargers. Things have changed since then, but you’d think he’s pretty confident going into the game this week. Lance Moore’s injury hurts, and I’m not sure if I’d rather start Deion Branch or Plax in our league, I’m just glad I don’t have to make that decision. Either way, you play Donnie, you get a win. I feel like I’ll be saying that all season long.
13. Ajay – CPP: 66.92
I think you’re going to have a tale of 2 seasons. You’ll start slow, winning some games just by Romo and your trio of receivers outscoring teams, and then Barnard will lose Matt Ryan to a torn ACL. You’ll have the tough choice of giving up Stafford for Fred Jackson, or Romo for Steven Jackson. You decide to play it risky and trade Romo, adding S-Jax to an emerging Ingram as a tough RB combo, and ride the highest scoring team into the playoffs. Then again, if no QBs go down, you’re shit out of luck.
14. Donnie – CPP: 65.86
I realize that you had no power during the draft and you were stuck with a terrible team from the start, but how the fuck do you enter the draft an immediately draft your 4th tight end? And worse than that, how are you starting him over Daniels and Olsen. Literally every fantasy “expert” is calling for a terrible season from Gonzalez, and it’s not like you don’t have other options. It makes me angry that your team is set up so poorly. But then it makes me happy to see that your RBs are being started by a combined 3% of teams in Yahoo leagues. Best of luck to you sir, you’ll need it.
That’s all for Week 1. Enjoy football, gentlemen.
After spending nine months and a lockout in hibernation, this is the triumphant return of the CPP! As a reminder to the FALAFEL veterans, as well as an introduction to Billy, CPP stands for Composite Points Projection. As it turns out, this does not actually project weekly scores, but does provide a way to rank each team in our league outside of their record. The CPP is calculated by Gutman and includes points scored in the past as well as projected points in the future, among other factors. It also incorporates the OAM (Owner Awareness Multiplier), which I calculate so the CPP is not entirely Gutman-biased. The OAM includes transactions made as well as actual vs. optimal lineup performance. In short, it measures how well you manage your own team.
Before we get to the main event, I’m going to preview the format of the rankings this year. A lot has changed since last season, namely that I’m now busy at work, looking for another job in Texas, and we have a blog as a platform. This means that the rankings will be more succinct (no more non-FALAFEL thoughts or REALITY CHECK!), but I will try to complement them with more material on the blog.
Having said that, there is still one section that’s not going anywhere…
Bitching About Kicking
I would like to thank Commissioner Shah for changing the kicking scoring system to the Yahoo standard, I consider that a small moral victory. But I still think that kickers are entirely useless from a fantasy perspective, and that if we want to masquerade them as real fantasy players, then we need to give them negative points just like anyone else.
So this year I will be showing how entirely unpredictable kickers are by selecting a kicker at random each week using a kicker Excel file, and comparing their score with that of the top ranked kicker on ESPN for the week. I’m fully aware that none of you care, but I’m doing this to prove a point to myself as much as anything.
So for Week 1, ESPN’s top kicker is Nate Kaeding, and my random kicker is Mike Nugent of the Bengals. We’ll see once and for all if strategy works for kickers or if it is truly random.
Week 1 Rankings
1. AGD – CPP: 87.54
I really don’t like that a team that wasn’t even at the draft, and has two owners, gets to start the league in first place, but you do have a solid team. Apparently Yahoo agrees, as they picked you as the top team after the draft on our league home-page. I still laugh when I see that you have Eli and Sanchez, but this week it shouldn’t hurt you. Nice matchups all around in Week 1, as you’ll get some questions answered about Hillis, who should run all over the Bungles, and Maclin, who should be featured in the shootout with the Rams. You get the added benefit of the league rooting for you so Bennett starts the season with a loss.
2. Zacherman – CPP: 81.84
I’m fully aware that you think you’re woefully underrated as the #2 team in this week’s rankings, but I really couldn’t care less. While I do love your starting lineup, you’re a little thin on the bench when it comes to experience. Julio, Cam, Kendricks and Alex Green are all rookies, and Beanie has yet to ever look like a pro, so your team will likely get off to slower start than you might like, especially if someone gets hurt. I still say you take down Joseph’s abomination of a team.
3. Alan – CPP: 80.2
Last year you had to deal with the burden of being the defending champ. No Super Bowl champ has repeated since the Pats in 2003, and in the 40ish fantasy leagues I’ve been in only 1 team has ever repeated. So don’t be sad Alan, get mad! And if you need any more motivation, you get to face-off against your big brother in Week 1, the same big brother who stole the 69 that was rightfully yours. So despite the fact that you actually have to choose between Plax/Driver/a guy I’ve never heard of as your WR2, I think Karma will be on your side for this week. But you do need to fix that receiver situation ASAP.
4. (tie) Weissbard – CPP: 78.08
You and I actually have the same exact CPP, but I gave you a higher draft grade, and you just got back to civilization, so you can go first this week. The thing that benefits your team the most this week is the schedule. The Jets play the Cowboys Sunday night, and I’m sure with the super-charged 9/11 Anniversary atmosphere, they will look to make a statement to open the season. Assuming they win, the Pats will be half a game back in the division for a good 20 hours. That should be more than enough motivation for Brady and Co. to go out and prove that they are just as good as the Green Men from Jersey. I can see Brady torching the Fins for 40+ easy. That should help you overcome the fact that you’re starting 2 backup RBs from teams that won’t finish .500.
4. (tie) Kumpf – CPP: 78.08
I just realized that I have 4 Lions on my roster, and none of them are Calvin or Stafford. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it’s probably the first time anyone has ever had that situation. After last year’s Favre debacle at QB, I’m putting a lot of faith in Schaub to carry me this year, and luckily he gets to do it against Kerry Collins Week 1. I face off against my CPP counterpart, and I believe I’m something like 1-6 all-time against Gutguy. Hopefully Vick just hands that ball to McCoy and I start 1-0, but I doubt it.
6. Joseph – CPP: 77.32
Times like this make me doubt the CPP system. Obviously NiJo has A-Rod and CJ2K. But that’s it. Literally. His receivers are nauseating, he’s starting a Patriots RB as well as their backup tight end, and he’s not even giving playing time to his $9 investment, Roy Williams. You better hope Rodgers to Jordy catches fire all night tonight, otherwise you’ll be playing catchup to Z all weekend.
7. Lutz – CPP: 77.08
Week 1 is typically an adjustment week in the first place, but your matchup is all about getting comfortable. Weissbard’s first week back in the states, Billy’s first week in the league. I really don’t like that you’re starting both LT and Reggie with Harvin on the bench, but I guess RBs tend to be more reliable than migraine-prone receivers. I still say that Brees and Foster can carry you in this league, provided they stay healthy and stop tweeting their MRI results.
8. Kimmel – CPP: 74.44
I’ve lost what little respect I had for you from a fantasy perspective this past baseball season. For those who don’t know, Kimmel, myself, Ware, Steve-O and Nayak have been in a fantasy baseball keeper league for 5 years now with some of Steve-O’s friends from home. Kimmel has never finished better than 7th out of 10. He backed out of the league this year, giving his team to Ajay, who is about to be the first person other than Nayak to win the championship. What does this mean for our league? Let’s just say I’m not surprised that Manning is out Week 1, Cassel has bruised ribs, Britt is constantly in legal trouble, Gore in injury-prone, Colston has no ACLs, Knowshon and Mathews haven’t ever had success, and Mike Thomas currently is being thrown to by Luke McCown. That sounds like a Kimmel-managed team to me.
9. Esco – CPP: 72.38
As much as I like your team due to its depth, you can only start seven players a week. Over the course of the season, I’m sure the depth will pay off, but for now it just leaves you with some tough roster decisions. Bradford throwing to Asomugha or Cutler throwing to the entire city of Atlanta? Rice running into Ray Lewis and Benson punching women or Daniel Thomas backing up Reggie against the Pats’ porous defense? Austin Collie with Kerry Collins throwing to him or Sidney Rice with Tarvaris Whitehurst running the offense? If Ajay’s RBs weren’t so terrible I would say you would start the year with a loss, but even if you win this will be the lowest scoring matchup of the week.
10. Gutman – CPP: 71.5
I’m sensing a pattern in how you draft. Last year it was Manning/Moss and shit for RBs, this year it’s Vick/Dre and more shit for RBs. Let’s see how that worked out for you: Moss was insanely useless, you traded him to me in a big time Trade Rape, Manning had a typically solid year, and you missed the playoffs. This year I have a hard time seeing either Vick or Andre becoming irrelevant, but Vick will miss time, and you haven’t really changed the formula from a non-playoff strategy last year. I’m fully aware that you will beat me Week 1, but long-term you gotta make some changes.
11. (tie) Bennett – CPP: 70.5
This was too good to be true. The two least respected members of the league tying for 11th place in the CPP rankings, only ahead of two teams starting UFL runningbacks. I actually like your team a lot this week Bennett. Your RBs will likely have some trouble with their respective matchups, but everyone else looks solid. I’m a little surprised you didn’t draft more RBs though. If Forte or Mendenhall goes down, or has a bye week, Roy Helu does not exactly inspire confidence as a fill-in. With the depth you have at receiver, I see a trade in your future.
11. (tie) Barnard – CPP: 70.5
I’m baffled that Yahoo only has AP projected at 13 points. He literally set the single game rushing record the last time he played the Chargers. Things have changed since then, but you’d think he’s pretty confident going into the game this week. Lance Moore’s injury hurts, and I’m not sure if I’d rather start Deion Branch or Plax in our league, I’m just glad I don’t have to make that decision. Either way, you play Donnie, you get a win. I feel like I’ll be saying that all season long.
13. Ajay – CPP: 66.92
I think you’re going to have a tale of 2 seasons. You’ll start slow, winning some games just by Romo and your trio of receivers outscoring teams, and then Barnard will lose Matt Ryan to a torn ACL. You’ll have the tough choice of giving up Stafford for Fred Jackson, or Romo for Steven Jackson. You decide to play it risky and trade Romo, adding S-Jax to an emerging Ingram as a tough RB combo, and ride the highest scoring team into the playoffs. Then again, if no QBs go down, you’re shit out of luck.
14. Donnie – CPP: 65.86
I realize that you had no power during the draft and you were stuck with a terrible team from the start, but how the fuck do you enter the draft an immediately draft your 4th tight end? And worse than that, how are you starting him over Daniels and Olsen. Literally every fantasy “expert” is calling for a terrible season from Gonzalez, and it’s not like you don’t have other options. It makes me angry that your team is set up so poorly. But then it makes me happy to see that your RBs are being started by a combined 3% of teams in Yahoo leagues. Best of luck to you sir, you’ll need it.
That’s all for Week 1. Enjoy football, gentlemen.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Draft Grades
I left for Vegas on Thursday, August 25th, intending to return Sunday, August 28th. I will end up back in New Jersey on Monday, September 5th. Vegas baby, Vegas. I’ll get to a few memorable moments of an epic trip during this post, but for the most part you had to be there to truly appreciate it. Especially Sunday night at the Riviera. Words can’t describe that experience.
For this year’s Draft Recap/Grades, I’ve decided to rip off a Simmons gimmick yet again and hand out movie quotes along with the grades. While Professor Simmons has used quotes ranging from Shawshank to Almost Famous to The Wire, I thought there was only one movie that fit our experience last weekend: The Hangover. I’ll be giving out quotes to everyone who was on the trip, FALAFEL member or otherwise. Those of you not in Vegas will be getting quotes as well, though I can’t promise you’ll like them.
So without further ado…
Ajay - Hotel Guest at Valet: Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.
While this could have really gone to any and all of us, I’m giving to a man who redefined “The Biggest Loser.” While the financial losses hurt for sure, Ajay made a good point after the fact: That we had a group of 14 people in one place for an extended period of time and everyone had an amazing time. No fights, no arguing, only slight Barnard/Alan bickering. Once the hangovers finally go away and the bank accounts finally get replenished, the lasting memory of this trip will be a fucking great time. I have no regrets.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value: Romo at $20. I know you already had Stafford, but that is fantastic value for someone who should be a top 5 fantasy QB this year. Now you just have to trade Stafford to the first team to suffer a QB injury.
Worst Value: Miles Austin at $28. I actually like the value, but when you already have Roddy and Fitz, you probably should have invested that money elsewhere so that Ingram and McGahee aren’t your starting RBs. I’m still interested to see how this approach works.
Joseph – Phil: The Best Little Chapel…do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do, it’s at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide.
The most asshole line in the movie goes to the biggest asshole in the league. Now that he doesn’t even have to pretend to be an impartial commissioner anymore, I’m looking forward to a vintage year of Joseph emails.
Draft Grade: F
Best Value: Marion Barber at $1. When I see your draft, the words “abject failure” come to mind. I guess if Forte goes down then Barber becomes a $1 feature back. That’s really as complimentary as I can be.
Worst Value: Roy Williams at $9. It was tough to choose between a QB at $43, a holdout (at the time) at $59, or a player on IR at $1, but I think the 4th string WR for Jay Cutler for anything more than a chicken wing takes the cake.
Marshall – Stu: Why are you peppering the steak? You don’t know if tigers like pepper.
Alan: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
If anyone in our Vegas crew knows the way a tiger likes his steak, it would be Marshall. Between showing up with just a small back-pack and running through the casino with Billy on his shoulders, I think it’s safe to say Marshall was a fantastic addition to the trip.
Billy – Eddie: I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
I think all of us have thought this at some point about Billy, and this weekend just reinforced that. The aforementioned shoulder incident, raising his ATM limit three times in one day, and being determined to get into the Caesar’s pool hours before it opened leaves Lutz firmly in control of his reputation. And I’m pretty sure if Long came to Vegas he would have silently spent his time on the slot machines and then not even shown up to the draft.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value: Stevie Johnson at $15. Not my favorite player, but a good price, and you have depth in your receiving core. Not a bad job considering it was your first auction and we all have a year of experience on you. Brees and Arian can carry you to the playoffs themselves.
Worst Value: Reggie Bush at $15. As a Dolphin fan and Reggie-hater I am fully aware that we will not be in a position to run the ball much this year, and even when we are, Bush is not good at it. Also bidding $1 on TO is just a waste. That would be like bidding $9 on Roy Williams.
Weissbard – Office Foltz: Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place “Loserville.”
Or in Dan’s case, we call this place “Israel.” In typical Weissbard fashion, be it a weekly email or a yearlong trip to the Motherland, he gets bored and gives up on stuff rather quickly. Luckily in fantasy he still makes lineup changes so I can’t complain too much.
Draft Grade: B+
Best Value: Jacobs at $14. With so many teams in our league, guys like Jacobs and Tolbert pay off because their one-yard TD is worth as much as a guy like Felix Jones rushing 18 times for 68 yards. It might not be pretty, but for that price it’s worth it.
Worst Value: Hines Ward at $5. You slightly overpaid for Brady, Blount, VJ and Nicks, but that’s a pretty solid core so I can’t complain. Ward will be nothing but a dancing decoy in that Pitt offense and he’s not even worth a roster spot in my opinion. Also you left $2 in the bank and paid $2 for your kicker so poor money management.
Gutman – Phil: You’re not really wearin’ that are you?
Alan: Wearin’ what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or you guys just fuckin’ with me?
To the man in the absurd clubbing attire. While I was out cold at the time (9pm), I was told that Gutguy wore a pretty spiffy blazer to Tao. We’ve come a long way from the Hugh Douglas jersey, and I think I speak for everyone when I say we miss those days. Lot of good it did you as well, Mr. Bottle Service.
Draft Grade: Incomplete. Best case B+, worst case C-, all comes down to Vick
Best/Worst Value: Vick for $44. Your entire team hinges on the health of one man, who has played exactly one full season since entering the league in 2001. That’s a lot to pay for a QB no matter who he is, but if he plays 16 games like he played the 8 last year, then it’s worth it. I also think you got great value on Marshawn at $10, and paid about $8 too much for Pettigrew at $9.
Lowe – Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.
To the only member of our trip that I’m aware of that did get lucky. And I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope that Aussie bird gave you herpes.
Kimmel – Stu: But it wasn’t ecstasy Alan, it was roofies.
Alan: You think I knew Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter.
Stu: I’m sorry, you mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn’t a good guy?
To the man responsible for setting up one of my favorite lines of the trip. A random older guy walks into the suite and is making small talk with Kimmel and the rest of us, introducing himself as “Dave.” After a minute or two he pulls out a large bag from his pocket and says, “Anybody wanna buy some weed?” There is a brief silence and Billy goes, “Oh so that’s what Dave is.”
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value: Jason Witten at $20. And you overpaid for him. But he is literally the only person in your starting lineup who isn’t either hurt or extremely injury prone. On the bright side, your roster will definitely lead the league in visits to Dr. James Andrews.
Worst Value: Colston at $26. The Saints spread the ball and he is a torn ACL waiting to happen. The only pick I like that you made was Delone Carter, so it figures that you immediately trade him.
Bennett – Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot…Dr. Faggot!
I’m giving you this quote for several reasons. First, because you weren’t at the draft. Second, because I can totally see Nick pulling up outside your house and yelling this. And third, because like Stu in the movie, you are way too self-important about a profession that no one respects.
Draft Grade: B
Best Values: Forte at $31, DeSean at $27.
Worst Values: Mendenhall at $53, Tampa Mike at $27. That overall RB/WR quartet is solid, but for some reason you overpaid for the guys that will have the worse seasons. I begrudgingly like your team, though a lot depends on what Kolb/Falco give you.
Alan – Stu: I married a whore!
Alan: How dare you, she’s a nice lady!
Only Alan could get tangled up in a web of siblings who also may have been/probably were a prostitution ring. But to listen to him tell the story, it was a top-five moment in his life. Ajay probably can’t say the same thing, but at least one brown man enjoyed the platonic company of hookers.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value: Run DMC at $44. I don’t personally like him, but for the upside he has, that’s good value.
Worst Value: Plax at $15. For a man who has been behind bars for the last year or two, the preseason means more than it does for others. He had a hell of a grab against the soon-to-be-0-16 Bengals and has been shut out other than that. I know you have his jersey Alan, but you didn’t see me bidding on Brian Leonard.
Anson – Mr. Chow: Why don’t you suck on these little Chinese nuts?
I’m making no commentary on the size of Anson’s balls, just being purely racist (it won’t be the last time). Joking aside it was good to see Brother Leung, it had been too long.
Barnard – Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
To the man who lost control of his bowels. As undeniably hilarious as the story is, is anyone else even the slightest bit worried about a 24-year old who is living with his mom and routinely having accidents? No one cares? Me neither.
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value: Matty Ice at $14. Should be a stud this year. If he’s not then you’re fucked.
Worst Value: Taste Dwayne Bowe at $27. What a terrible pick. The Chiefs are going to fall fast this year, and even if they don’t, it will be due to their running game.
Kumpf – Alan: Hey what’s that on your arm?
Stu: Oh my God Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil: Yeah, I guess I was
To me after taking a tumble off a table on night two, and having a baseball-sized knot on the back of my head. Headaches have finally subsided, so I doubt I got a concussion. Big thanks to Marshall, Billy, Lowe and Bader for getting me some ice and carrying me back to the room.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value: Jahvid Best at $15. For an offense that everyone thinks is going to be potent, I’m shocked that their only RB went for this cheap. What about his backup? I got him for $2. Run Lions Run.
Worst Value: $32 for Greg Jennings. There is some loyalty here from being my lone bright spot last year, and I really didn’t want to spend $27 on Dwayne Bowe.
Bader – Mr. Chow: Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.
More racism. Also it’s funny picturing Bader saying this with an Asian accent.
Zacherman – Alan: Hey guys, when’s the next Haley’s comet?
Phil: Who cares man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don’t think it’s for another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it’s not tonight right?
Stu: No I don’t think so.
Alan: But you don’t know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one and said it blew his mind. I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley’s comet.
The most stoner-like conversation in the movie goes to the man who spent most (all?) of the trip stoned. I don’t know how you do it, but you seem to always enjoy yourself, so more power to you.
Draft Grade: A
Best Values: Beanie/D-Willy/Bradshaw for a total of $62 or $3 less than AP or Arian. I don’t really like any of them individually, but that’s as solid a trio as you’ll get in our league.
Worst Value: Gates for $26. He’s a beast, but injuries scare me too much to drop that much on him. When healthy, Rivers-Gates will be pretty nice for you. I hate to say it but you’re in a pretty nice position right now.
AGD – Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
After the draft I immediately thought you guys had the worst team, so this was me saying goodbye to your Stevens Cup chances. Upon revisiting your roster, it’s actually not bad. Either way, you’re not at the draft, you get a shitty quote.
Draft Grade: B
Best Values: Marshall/Maclin for $40 total. I like your RBs as a trio, but they cost you a shitload. I don’t particularly like your WRs but that’s still good value.
Worst Values: Eli/Sanchez for $14 total. It’s never a good thing when your weekly roster question is “Who will throw the least interceptions?”
Esco – Alan: And we’re the three best friends that anyone could ever have, the three best friends that anyone could ever have…
To Esco, as well as Alan and myself, for spending the night in the monstrosity called the Riviera.
There’s a lot of great memories from Vegas, and a lot I don’t remember, but I think the thing that will stick out to me the most in 20 years is the Riviera experience. Maybe it’s because I stayed sober, but maybe it’s because we saw a 20-year old guy ride an elevator for the first time, among other things.
Draft Grade: A-
Best Value: Austin Collie at $12. Despite the fact that we all think his head will explode if he gets hit hard again, he is one of Peyton’s favorite targets. And you do have solid receiver depth (and overall depth) anyway, but I think Collie will be a consistent starter for you.
Worst Value: Spending $6 each on Cutler and Bradford, and leaving $6 in your wallet. For $18, you could have landed a better QB, but I’m picking nits. Also I like Bradford a lot.
Donnie – Phil: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu: Ok, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even cum inside her.
Phil: And you believe that?
Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.
The most bullshit situation in the movie to the man who has missed the draft both years he’s been in the league, auto-drafted for 95% of them, yet won a championship. You’re also the first league member that we’ve discussed dropping while the draft was still going on. I realize you had good reasons, but this year you could have been sitting right next to Alan at the draft and avoided the hurricane. If you win again this year I’m taking a year off of fantasy.
Draft Value: F-
Best Value: Josh Freeman for $8. Esco could have used him for that price.
Worst Value: Spending $42 of your $200 on 4 TE’s none of whom are named Gates, Clark or Witten. I still don’t understand why, after you actually joined the draft, you took Tony G for your 4th TE. Bold strategy, I’ll kill myself if it works out for you.
GPA Recap:
Zacherman: A
Esco: A-
Weissbard: B+
AGD: B
Bennett: B
Ajay: B-
Alan: B-
Gutman: C+ (averaged)
Billy: C+
Kumpf: C+
Barnard: D+
Kimmel: D+
Joseph: F
Donnie: F-
Week 1 Power Rankings coming out next Thursday!
For this year’s Draft Recap/Grades, I’ve decided to rip off a Simmons gimmick yet again and hand out movie quotes along with the grades. While Professor Simmons has used quotes ranging from Shawshank to Almost Famous to The Wire, I thought there was only one movie that fit our experience last weekend: The Hangover. I’ll be giving out quotes to everyone who was on the trip, FALAFEL member or otherwise. Those of you not in Vegas will be getting quotes as well, though I can’t promise you’ll like them.
So without further ado…
Ajay - Hotel Guest at Valet: Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.
While this could have really gone to any and all of us, I’m giving to a man who redefined “The Biggest Loser.” While the financial losses hurt for sure, Ajay made a good point after the fact: That we had a group of 14 people in one place for an extended period of time and everyone had an amazing time. No fights, no arguing, only slight Barnard/Alan bickering. Once the hangovers finally go away and the bank accounts finally get replenished, the lasting memory of this trip will be a fucking great time. I have no regrets.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value: Romo at $20. I know you already had Stafford, but that is fantastic value for someone who should be a top 5 fantasy QB this year. Now you just have to trade Stafford to the first team to suffer a QB injury.
Worst Value: Miles Austin at $28. I actually like the value, but when you already have Roddy and Fitz, you probably should have invested that money elsewhere so that Ingram and McGahee aren’t your starting RBs. I’m still interested to see how this approach works.
Joseph – Phil: The Best Little Chapel…do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do, it’s at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide.
The most asshole line in the movie goes to the biggest asshole in the league. Now that he doesn’t even have to pretend to be an impartial commissioner anymore, I’m looking forward to a vintage year of Joseph emails.
Draft Grade: F
Best Value: Marion Barber at $1. When I see your draft, the words “abject failure” come to mind. I guess if Forte goes down then Barber becomes a $1 feature back. That’s really as complimentary as I can be.
Worst Value: Roy Williams at $9. It was tough to choose between a QB at $43, a holdout (at the time) at $59, or a player on IR at $1, but I think the 4th string WR for Jay Cutler for anything more than a chicken wing takes the cake.
Marshall – Stu: Why are you peppering the steak? You don’t know if tigers like pepper.
Alan: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
If anyone in our Vegas crew knows the way a tiger likes his steak, it would be Marshall. Between showing up with just a small back-pack and running through the casino with Billy on his shoulders, I think it’s safe to say Marshall was a fantastic addition to the trip.
Billy – Eddie: I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
I think all of us have thought this at some point about Billy, and this weekend just reinforced that. The aforementioned shoulder incident, raising his ATM limit three times in one day, and being determined to get into the Caesar’s pool hours before it opened leaves Lutz firmly in control of his reputation. And I’m pretty sure if Long came to Vegas he would have silently spent his time on the slot machines and then not even shown up to the draft.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value: Stevie Johnson at $15. Not my favorite player, but a good price, and you have depth in your receiving core. Not a bad job considering it was your first auction and we all have a year of experience on you. Brees and Arian can carry you to the playoffs themselves.
Worst Value: Reggie Bush at $15. As a Dolphin fan and Reggie-hater I am fully aware that we will not be in a position to run the ball much this year, and even when we are, Bush is not good at it. Also bidding $1 on TO is just a waste. That would be like bidding $9 on Roy Williams.
Weissbard – Office Foltz: Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place “Loserville.”
Or in Dan’s case, we call this place “Israel.” In typical Weissbard fashion, be it a weekly email or a yearlong trip to the Motherland, he gets bored and gives up on stuff rather quickly. Luckily in fantasy he still makes lineup changes so I can’t complain too much.
Draft Grade: B+
Best Value: Jacobs at $14. With so many teams in our league, guys like Jacobs and Tolbert pay off because their one-yard TD is worth as much as a guy like Felix Jones rushing 18 times for 68 yards. It might not be pretty, but for that price it’s worth it.
Worst Value: Hines Ward at $5. You slightly overpaid for Brady, Blount, VJ and Nicks, but that’s a pretty solid core so I can’t complain. Ward will be nothing but a dancing decoy in that Pitt offense and he’s not even worth a roster spot in my opinion. Also you left $2 in the bank and paid $2 for your kicker so poor money management.
Gutman – Phil: You’re not really wearin’ that are you?
Alan: Wearin’ what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or you guys just fuckin’ with me?
To the man in the absurd clubbing attire. While I was out cold at the time (9pm), I was told that Gutguy wore a pretty spiffy blazer to Tao. We’ve come a long way from the Hugh Douglas jersey, and I think I speak for everyone when I say we miss those days. Lot of good it did you as well, Mr. Bottle Service.
Draft Grade: Incomplete. Best case B+, worst case C-, all comes down to Vick
Best/Worst Value: Vick for $44. Your entire team hinges on the health of one man, who has played exactly one full season since entering the league in 2001. That’s a lot to pay for a QB no matter who he is, but if he plays 16 games like he played the 8 last year, then it’s worth it. I also think you got great value on Marshawn at $10, and paid about $8 too much for Pettigrew at $9.
Lowe – Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.
To the only member of our trip that I’m aware of that did get lucky. And I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope that Aussie bird gave you herpes.
Kimmel – Stu: But it wasn’t ecstasy Alan, it was roofies.
Alan: You think I knew Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter.
Stu: I’m sorry, you mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn’t a good guy?
To the man responsible for setting up one of my favorite lines of the trip. A random older guy walks into the suite and is making small talk with Kimmel and the rest of us, introducing himself as “Dave.” After a minute or two he pulls out a large bag from his pocket and says, “Anybody wanna buy some weed?” There is a brief silence and Billy goes, “Oh so that’s what Dave is.”
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value: Jason Witten at $20. And you overpaid for him. But he is literally the only person in your starting lineup who isn’t either hurt or extremely injury prone. On the bright side, your roster will definitely lead the league in visits to Dr. James Andrews.
Worst Value: Colston at $26. The Saints spread the ball and he is a torn ACL waiting to happen. The only pick I like that you made was Delone Carter, so it figures that you immediately trade him.
Bennett – Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot…Dr. Faggot!
I’m giving you this quote for several reasons. First, because you weren’t at the draft. Second, because I can totally see Nick pulling up outside your house and yelling this. And third, because like Stu in the movie, you are way too self-important about a profession that no one respects.
Draft Grade: B
Best Values: Forte at $31, DeSean at $27.
Worst Values: Mendenhall at $53, Tampa Mike at $27. That overall RB/WR quartet is solid, but for some reason you overpaid for the guys that will have the worse seasons. I begrudgingly like your team, though a lot depends on what Kolb/Falco give you.
Alan – Stu: I married a whore!
Alan: How dare you, she’s a nice lady!
Only Alan could get tangled up in a web of siblings who also may have been/probably were a prostitution ring. But to listen to him tell the story, it was a top-five moment in his life. Ajay probably can’t say the same thing, but at least one brown man enjoyed the platonic company of hookers.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value: Run DMC at $44. I don’t personally like him, but for the upside he has, that’s good value.
Worst Value: Plax at $15. For a man who has been behind bars for the last year or two, the preseason means more than it does for others. He had a hell of a grab against the soon-to-be-0-16 Bengals and has been shut out other than that. I know you have his jersey Alan, but you didn’t see me bidding on Brian Leonard.
Anson – Mr. Chow: Why don’t you suck on these little Chinese nuts?
I’m making no commentary on the size of Anson’s balls, just being purely racist (it won’t be the last time). Joking aside it was good to see Brother Leung, it had been too long.
Barnard – Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
To the man who lost control of his bowels. As undeniably hilarious as the story is, is anyone else even the slightest bit worried about a 24-year old who is living with his mom and routinely having accidents? No one cares? Me neither.
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value: Matty Ice at $14. Should be a stud this year. If he’s not then you’re fucked.
Worst Value: Taste Dwayne Bowe at $27. What a terrible pick. The Chiefs are going to fall fast this year, and even if they don’t, it will be due to their running game.
Kumpf – Alan: Hey what’s that on your arm?
Stu: Oh my God Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil: Yeah, I guess I was
To me after taking a tumble off a table on night two, and having a baseball-sized knot on the back of my head. Headaches have finally subsided, so I doubt I got a concussion. Big thanks to Marshall, Billy, Lowe and Bader for getting me some ice and carrying me back to the room.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value: Jahvid Best at $15. For an offense that everyone thinks is going to be potent, I’m shocked that their only RB went for this cheap. What about his backup? I got him for $2. Run Lions Run.
Worst Value: $32 for Greg Jennings. There is some loyalty here from being my lone bright spot last year, and I really didn’t want to spend $27 on Dwayne Bowe.
Bader – Mr. Chow: Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.
More racism. Also it’s funny picturing Bader saying this with an Asian accent.
Zacherman – Alan: Hey guys, when’s the next Haley’s comet?
Phil: Who cares man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don’t think it’s for another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it’s not tonight right?
Stu: No I don’t think so.
Alan: But you don’t know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one and said it blew his mind. I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley’s comet.
The most stoner-like conversation in the movie goes to the man who spent most (all?) of the trip stoned. I don’t know how you do it, but you seem to always enjoy yourself, so more power to you.
Draft Grade: A
Best Values: Beanie/D-Willy/Bradshaw for a total of $62 or $3 less than AP or Arian. I don’t really like any of them individually, but that’s as solid a trio as you’ll get in our league.
Worst Value: Gates for $26. He’s a beast, but injuries scare me too much to drop that much on him. When healthy, Rivers-Gates will be pretty nice for you. I hate to say it but you’re in a pretty nice position right now.
AGD – Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
After the draft I immediately thought you guys had the worst team, so this was me saying goodbye to your Stevens Cup chances. Upon revisiting your roster, it’s actually not bad. Either way, you’re not at the draft, you get a shitty quote.
Draft Grade: B
Best Values: Marshall/Maclin for $40 total. I like your RBs as a trio, but they cost you a shitload. I don’t particularly like your WRs but that’s still good value.
Worst Values: Eli/Sanchez for $14 total. It’s never a good thing when your weekly roster question is “Who will throw the least interceptions?”
Esco – Alan: And we’re the three best friends that anyone could ever have, the three best friends that anyone could ever have…
To Esco, as well as Alan and myself, for spending the night in the monstrosity called the Riviera.
There’s a lot of great memories from Vegas, and a lot I don’t remember, but I think the thing that will stick out to me the most in 20 years is the Riviera experience. Maybe it’s because I stayed sober, but maybe it’s because we saw a 20-year old guy ride an elevator for the first time, among other things.
Draft Grade: A-
Best Value: Austin Collie at $12. Despite the fact that we all think his head will explode if he gets hit hard again, he is one of Peyton’s favorite targets. And you do have solid receiver depth (and overall depth) anyway, but I think Collie will be a consistent starter for you.
Worst Value: Spending $6 each on Cutler and Bradford, and leaving $6 in your wallet. For $18, you could have landed a better QB, but I’m picking nits. Also I like Bradford a lot.
Donnie – Phil: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu: Ok, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even cum inside her.
Phil: And you believe that?
Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.
The most bullshit situation in the movie to the man who has missed the draft both years he’s been in the league, auto-drafted for 95% of them, yet won a championship. You’re also the first league member that we’ve discussed dropping while the draft was still going on. I realize you had good reasons, but this year you could have been sitting right next to Alan at the draft and avoided the hurricane. If you win again this year I’m taking a year off of fantasy.
Draft Value: F-
Best Value: Josh Freeman for $8. Esco could have used him for that price.
Worst Value: Spending $42 of your $200 on 4 TE’s none of whom are named Gates, Clark or Witten. I still don’t understand why, after you actually joined the draft, you took Tony G for your 4th TE. Bold strategy, I’ll kill myself if it works out for you.
GPA Recap:
Zacherman: A
Esco: A-
Weissbard: B+
AGD: B
Bennett: B
Ajay: B-
Alan: B-
Gutman: C+ (averaged)
Billy: C+
Kumpf: C+
Barnard: D+
Kimmel: D+
Joseph: F
Donnie: F-
Week 1 Power Rankings coming out next Thursday!
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