As usual, I'll be assigning movie/TV/song quotes to each team along with a draft grade, as well as a couple of quotes for the non-league members who helped make draft weekend memorable. Similar to last year, there aren't a lot of quotable movies that take place in Denver. My first thought was Half Baked for obvious reasons, but after the hike I had a better idea. It might not be Denver, but it is some place warm, where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. A little place called Aspen. This year's draft grades are brought to you by Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne from Dumb & Dumber.
Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary Swanson: Not good.
Lloyd Christmas: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance.
This unfortunately goes to Bruno, who probably had the worst draft ever. I have no issue with loading up on a single position in theory, but when it's a position that only requires one starter, and is insanely deep this year, then that's a problem. Best case scenario is trading Cam for a startable RB/WR, and one of your other QBs for a flex. Even then I'm not sure you have a deep enough team to be a serious playoff threat.
Draft Grade: D-
Harry Dunne: I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!
Lloyd Christmas: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves. My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, we're in the Rockies!
This goes to Lowe, who led us all on a frigid expedition to the North Pole while telling us to dress for the beach. The views were amazing. The wind and altitude gain were not so amazing. Nevertheless, getting this group of people up a mountain at 9am is nothing less than a miracle so kudos.
Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!
Harry Dunne: No way!
Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.
Harry Dunne: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Ten to one?
Harry Dunne: You're on!
Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!
Harry Dunne: Nuh uh!
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.
This goes to Ajay, who is continuing his tradition of travelling excessively far to hit a casino on draft weekend. Ajay clearly went the depth route during the draft, and came away with a lot of value. However, there is a difference between value and quality value, and Ajay ended up with a mixed bag. The Rodgers pick was likely the steal of the draft, and I love the depth at RB as well. But in a league that's so focused on the passing game, you're painfully thin at receiver, with question marks surrounding the guys you do have. I can't argue with your previous success, but I wouldn't call you a favorite to repeat at this point.
Draft Grade: B-
Harry Dunne: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Lloyd Christmas: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby. Maybe she just had a change of heart.
Harry Dunne: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
Lloyd Christmas: Do you think...?
Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!
I'm giving this quote to myself, as the primary reason for me getting into the Premier League this year is so that I can drink in the morning. I went for value as well in the draft, and ended up with pretty much the exact opposite team as Ajay. My receiving corps is pretty absurd, but unfortunately I can only start three of them at a time. I also ended up with the same RB duo that "led" me to a 1-8 start last year, and swapped out Jeremy Hill for Rashard Jennings and Chris Ivory. It's a virtual certainty that I'll be trading a receiver at some point, but until then my lineup decisions will be rough.
Draft Grade: B-
Lloyd Christmas: Mock
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Ing
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Bird
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
This goes to BAM, as it's the epitome of unlikely camaraderie. Ever since Marshall gave Billy a piggy back ride through Caesar's in Vegas, this duo has been an enjoyable force of nature in this league. It's also the first song in the first Video Power Hour, which I feel like these two have watched a few times. In terms of their team, I'm at a loss. The ODB bid obviously changed their process, but somehow they ended up with Zeke and no other startable RBs. I'm sure there will be weeks where Beckham and Elliott carry them, but I don't know if they'll get carried into the playoffs.
Draft Grade: C-
Harry Dunne: She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
This goes to Marco who, based on the fact that he went to draft weekend and stayed until Monday while having a three week old baby at home, probably doesn't pay very close attention to what his wife says. In terms of the draft, I actually think Marco did a very good job for his first time. Solid depth across the board (though very Dolphin heavy), even if nothing really stands out beyond A.J. Green. I can't see this team having a terrible year, and if a few things break the right way, Marco could continue FALAFEL's proud tradition of first time owners taking home the chef's coat.
Draft Grade: B
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.
This goes to Zacherman, the league's elder statesman who acts 30 years older than he actually is. Whether it's supplying the league tailgate supplies (among other products), or his extremely random love of pinball machines, Z is still able to serve a purpose. Another purpose is drafting a pretty solid team. He oddly went Patriot heavy, but going big on Brady and Gronk is usually a winning bet. That duo along with Dez and Jordy should net him close to 60 each week on their own, so anything beyond that is gravy. I give this team the highest floor in the league, which isn't a bad place to be.
Draft Grade: B+
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
This goes to Donny because I've legit heard him say this to people 10+ times over the years. Donny has also been dreaming about leaving the league for quite some time, and his wish has finally come true. As the first Stevens Bowl winner to quit, he's setting a dangerous precedent for others (looking at you Alan), but he is survived in Giants homerism by Bruno who can at least be happy about having Eli.
Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.
Harry Dunne: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
This goes to BMO, who likely had a similar conversation during the draft due to Mejia running the show with the mantra "What's another dollar?". This is a weird team, which I guess is expected. Oddly and unnecessarily deep at QB for a team that wasn't auto-drafting, along with a solid WR duo and TE. And...that's it. There is absolutely zero depth on this team at the skill positions, and given the fragility of Reed and Evans, BMO's hopes come down to Ben and Antonio. That duo is a hell of a start, but they need some teammates to compete.
Draft Grade: C-
Lloyd Christmas: Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
This goes to Barnard for obvious reasons, but also because he's at school rooming with Chip, so his wish might come true. As for his draft, he went big on RB with Todd Gurley, which history has shown us is a less than stellar idea. Outside of Jared Goff's RB, he just doesn't have a lot to be excited about. In fact, I'm not sure how he managed to spend even close to $200 on this team. Blount gets a boost thanks to Lewis going down, but Barnard deserves no credit for that. I like Fitzgerald, so I guess that's something positive.
Draft Grade: D+
Lloyd Christmas: You know why I like you Harry? Cause you're a regular guy. Yep! That's why I want you to stay regular. Once half teaspoon for fast, effective relief.
This goes to Alan, who is most certainly not a regular guy. However, maybe with a cocktail of Starbucks and Turbo Lax, he can find his own relief. Al drafted a very interesting team. I think Luck bounces back, and a deep stable of RBs is never a bad thing, but zero depth at receiver is a little bit scary. However, in a year where we don't have any "complete" teams, I think Alan will be in the mix for a playoff spot, especially if he trades well.
Draft Grade: B-
Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Bus Stop Beauty: Austria.
Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Bus Stop Beauty: Let's not.
This goes to Weissbard, who busted out the Fair Lawn, NJ sweatshirt for draft weekend, and probably has a similar approach to women as Lloyd Christmas. Weiss also busted out the BAM draft strategy of going big at QB and RB, and hoping for the best elsewhere. Of all the players to bet on, I think Russell, AP and Charles are a very solid trio. However, your current starting receivers had as many catches last year as DaveO and Rob Woods did. I see a trade in your future, but the problem with going so big on three players is that to get depth, you need to trade one of them. I've felt that pain in the past, so good luck.
Draft Grade: B-
Harry Dunne: You're it.
Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!
Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!
Harry Dunne: Can too!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
Joe Mentalino: GUYS! ENOUGH!
This goes to AGD, who have their own process that everyone might not agree with, but has been unquestionably successful over the years. And post draft, I really liked their team. Then the Lewis injury news broke, and even though they got James White, the team's ceiling is definitely lower. Best case for this team is waiting out the Josh Gordon suspension, then trading a receiver for more RBs. I still have faith in their ability to make the playoffs, but it's a bit shakier now than it was a few days ago.
Draft Grade: B
Lloyd Christmas: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.
Nicholas Andre: Open it up. Open it up!
Lloyd Christmas: Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.
Nicholas Andre: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
Lloyd Christmas: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.
This goes to Gutman, who did another great job planning the weekend and keeping track of expenses (for his own bachelor party no less). He was also super pumped about his team post-draft, only to apparently have some buyer's regret less than 48 hours later. I've made it very clear that I don't think Devonta Freeman is a good football player, I don't trust Demaryius with his QB situation, and I think TY Hilton is one-dimensional. Having said that, Tyrod is fun, Ingram should be very solid, and Diggs is a nice sleeper. This team doesn't scare me, but it's not trash either.
Draft Grade: C+
Harry Dunne: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?
Lloyd Christmas: Saw it in a movie once.
Harry Dunne: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
Lloyd Christmas: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!
Harry Dunne: [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]
Lloyd Christmas: Ha ha ha! It was a good one.
This goes to Esco, who's strategy of searching for value over studs has started to be mimicked by other teams in the league. This forced him to go a little above his preferred price range for guys like Doug Martin and Brandon Marshall. But he still found value with Keenan Allen (who I love) and Alshon Jeffrey, giving him a very solid core. If anything, Esco's biggest weakness other than QB (Cutler, really?), is oddly his depth, which is a situation he's not accustomed to. I assume he has a trade or two ahead of him, and will be in the playoff mix all year.
Draft Grade: B-
Sea Bass: What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
Harry Dunne: Well, it was a terrible mistake, sir. Oh, please believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of your size.
Sea Bass Friend: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
Sea Bass: You gonna eat that?
Harry Dunne: What, that? No, yes, no. Well, no, I-I crossed my mind, yeah?
Sea Bass: Still want it?
Harry Dunne: Nah, you go ahead.
This goes to our former commish and resident asshole, Nick. I'm mainly pissed at him for leaving the league, but this also applies to his apparent treatment of an innocent pizza cashier. Against all odds, he was actually a solid commissioner, so I can only hope to fill his shoes the same way Goodell did for Tagliabue.
Lloyd Christmas: We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!
This goes to Levine, who was improbably the first league member to go to the ER during draft weekend. As predicted, I look at Levine's roster and think "Solid, but not spectacular." Like Esco you're going to need to upgrade at QB, but I like your overall roster better, especially once Bell comes back. There's the right mix of quality starters and upside bench players, that I'll go ahead and make you (along with Z) one of my two playoff locks. Last year I assigned that praise to Ajay and myself after the draft. One out of two ain't bad.
Draft Grade: B+
Final Grades:
Levine: B+
Zacherman: B+
AGD: B
Marco: B
Alan: B-
Ajay: B-
Esco: B-
Kumpf: B-
Weissbard: B-
Gutman: C+
BAM: C-
BMO: C-
Barnard: D+
Bruno: D-
As you can see, I don't think we have any truly dominant teams, but a lot of teams that will be very competitive. This was the weirdest draft I can remember in terms of teams going big on a certain position (for better or worse), which has led to some very lopsided rosters. I'm hoping this, along with some preseason injuries, lead to more trades this year. Two weeks til kickoff!
