Trade Analysis 1 - Barnard/Masand

Masand Gets:

Andrew Luck QB IND

Jordy Nelson WR GB

Barnard Gets:

Tom Brady QB NE

David Wilson RB NYG

Stephen Hill WR NYJ

First Take: When I first saw this trade pop up I immediately thought it was a big loss for Barnard as Wilson and Brady have lost more value than almost anyone else so far this season. I can understand buying low on one of them but grabbing both made me (as a relatively risk averse owner) very nervous.

Most Valuable Addition: This should be Brady but I never trust rookie WRs so I think this might actually be David Wilson. The danger is that if the Giants continue to be criminally awful Wilson will be lucky to get 15 carries a game even if he finally retakes the RB1 role. However, I’m still excited about his potential based on some of his preseason runs. And the RB depth in our league is so dismal that even the small potential that he becomes a viable RB2 or maybe even a low RB1 makes him the biggest part of who wins or loses this deal.

Potential Starters Gained: The QB situation remains essentially unchanged as both teams swap their QB1 and neither is much of an injury risk.  

Barnard gets a big upgrade at the Flex position as both Stephen Hill and David Wilson are better options than anything else on his team. Ideally Hill continues to improve as Geno learns how to play in the NFL and Wilson becomes a reliable RB2 and then you can look to trade some combination Jennings/Law Firm/M. Wallace for a stud WR to play opposite Megatron. If you are able to trade two of those for a WR on the level of Welker, Reggie Wayne or maybe even a buy low on Roddy White for a team in need of 2 starters this trade could really put your team in a good position for playoff contention.

Alan actually has 2 acceptable RBs even without Wilson and I really like Gio Bernard to improve almost every week as the season continues and most likely outscore Frank Gore overall. So the loss of Wilson isn’t as devasting as it would be for most teams. And the rotation of Reggie Wayne/Amendola/Jordy/Denarius Moore is an acceptable selection for the WRs and Flex spot. Your only issue is that Jordy and Amendola are constant injury risks and you have literally no one else on your team worth acknowledging let alone starting outside of that WR crew. And I have no idea who are you are going to start on the Gio and Frank Gore bye weeks as your RB2.

Masand Trade Grade: At first I thought this was a decent deal for you considering the dire straits your team is in currently.  But the lowest possible output from Brady probably equals what Luck will give you this year and considering your lack of depth, giving up two starters (even if they are very borderline) for one WR is a very dangerous strategy… Then you go and pay TEN DOLLARS for Hankerson off the waiver wire??? You could have just gotten him for free from Barnard in the deal, he was dropping him anyway! You don’t even need a WR man, you are up to your eyeballs in inconsistent WRs already. I was going to give you a B-/C+ because even though I don’t really like the upside I accept that in your position you have to take risks. But after seeing that waiver move I’m dropping you to a C- and that’s being nice.

Barnard Trade Grade: After a closer look, it appears I was wrong with my initial judgment. Even a mediocre Brady is still on the level of Luck and you have a strong enough stockpile of middle tier WRs that you should be able to handle the loss of Jordy without much pain. And the potential of David Wilson could really swing your team’s fortunes for the stretch run. Of course knowing your luck he will run over Coughlin’s foot in the parking lot and get benched for the rest of his life. I don’t see much a downside with this deal outside of that so I’m going to give you an A-.

Week 3 CPP Rankings

TRADES! TRADES! TRADES!!!

There is nothing I love more than trades. And while last week's blockbuster only happened in the NFL, this week we have two trades in our very own league.

Before I discuss the trades and get to the CPP, here is how our Division Captains look after 3 weeks:

Ajay
Named his division? No
Winning percentage of teams he drafted: .556

Esco
Named his division? No
Winning percentage of teams he drafted: .556

Joseph
Named his division? Yes, but I think we all agree he could do better
Winning percentage of teams he drafted: .556

I have a sinking feeling that the results of this year will be that it really doesn't matter who you have in your division, but we'll look at the overall draft order later on to determine who really picked the best.

Week 3 CPP Rankings:

1. Esco - CPP: 180.40, Last Week: 4th
I'll be examining each of the trades from each owner's perspective, while eagerly awaiting Esco to actually post his reaction. As our only legitimately undefeated team (by Wins and Victory Points), there aren't a ton of weaknesses on this squad other than that Dallas Clark-sized hole at TE. So while he may have bought high on Cameron, it fills a need without really hurting his core team, and you can't argue with that. The only weakness I see now is that a combination of Joique Bell/Ryan Mathews/Ryan Broyles/Brandon Bolden need to fill the RB2/Flex spots. It's not ideal, but in a 14-team league, it could be a lot worse (see: Alan).

2. Barnard - CPP: 165.23, Last Week: 5th
The Nard Dog moves up this week after another solid performance as well as a trade that I find extremely interesting. In our league, only Bennett and Ajay can really upgrade their QB position. Obviously going from Romo to Brees is an upgrade, but not a clear enough improvement to warrant throwing in other valuable players. So I am calling the Luck/Brady swap here a wash. Which makes the trade Jordy for David Wilson and Stephen Hill. I'm a firm believer in Wilson's talent, so even if he's looked like dog shit for 3 weeks, I think he still plays like a top 25 back from here on out. And Stephen Hill (and Geno Smith for that matter) don't look all that bad. So believe it or not, I'm supportive of Barnard's side of this trade, simply because he may have traded one starter for two if everything breaks right. To win this league you need upside, and Barnard's side has a whole lot of it.

3. Kumpf - CPP: 160.10, Last Week: 6th
God fucking dammit. Three weeks in a row right behind Barnard. I almost manipulated the numbers so that I'd fall to 4th, but I'm a whore to being high in my own rankings. The Cameron/Garcon trade on my end is simple. Cameron will never score 3 TDs in a game again, so I needed to sell this week. Esco's team was only missing a TE, and had Flex players to spare. So if Garcon outscores Cameron for the rest of the season, the trade is a win for me because either one would be my Flex. If Cameron outscores Dallas Clark/Brandon Myers by more than Garcon outscores his other Flex options, then it's a win for Esco as well. This could easily be the first win/win trade in FALAFEL history.

4. AGD - CPP: 151.10, Last Week: 2nd
Tough loss last week as you watched Josh Gordon tear shit up on your bench. On the bright side, you can start him this week against Alan. I was skeptical of you guys relying on Daryl Richardson as a legit RB2, but it was the only hole in your lineup and everything else looked very solid. Now color me concerned. It's only fun to start Ben Tate when your team name is Ben Things I Tate About You, so I can't imagine you're sold on your lineup right now.

5. Bennett - CPP: 149.23, Last Week: 1st
Weissbard sent me this last week:

Dan Weissbard

so yesterday i offered bennet starks/lacey/vjax for djax

and he goes "do it for tavon instead and i'll accept it" haha

First of all, that looks really cool. Secondly, Weissbard that is an absurdly bad trade for you. And finally, really Bennett??? In my opinion, V-Jax is better than Desean, but I can see how you and others would disagree. But regardless, you passed up a starting RB and an equal if not better WR just because you're blinded by Chip? You deserve to lose the rest of your games.

6. Ajay - CPP: 140.57, Last Week: 3rd
A lot of people got hit with injuries this past week, but I would argue that Ajay got it the worst. Not being able to start Reggie is one thing. Having to choose between Knowshon/Montee/Hillman/Pierre/Pead is an entirely different thing. There was no way you were going to make the right choice there. As it turned out, the only "wrong" choice was Knowshon over Hillman, but either way making those choices is a pain in the ass.

7. Billy/Marshall - CPP: 134.07, Last Week: 9th
Still no nickname for these guys, step up your game everyone. Literally nothing is off the table as long as it's quick and easy to type. In Week 3 you guys simultaneously pulled a Chris Long by leaving an injured player in your lineup, and lived up to everything I hoped this team would be by still winning your matchup. I can't wait until Week 12 when you leave both Wilson and Marshawn in on their bye and eliminate AGD from the playoffs while also making them lose the Dress-To-The-Draft side bet.

8. Joseph - CPP: 129.90, Last Week: 11th
The Commish cracks the top 10 while picking up his first win, not too shabby. It was pretty much entirely due to your old friend the Bears D, but a win is a win. I don't know what you should do about Bradshaw right now. You can't be comfortable starting him, but the way he looked last week, it makes it tough to start Jerome Simpson as your Flex. Speaking of Simpson, I would guess that Alan can't pick one of your receivers out of a police lineup.

9. Weissbard - CPP: 119.40, Last Week: 7th
The only thing I like about your team remains its name. But to be honest, with Peyton re-defining the league's passing records, DeMarco looking healthy and effective and the rest of the lineup holding their own, this team isn't quite as bad as I initially thought. I still think you have no chance at the playoffs, but if you somehow make it, I would not want to face Peyton in a winner-take-all matchup.

10. Donnie - CPP: 111.00, Last Week: 8th
Wins his third week in a row, yet falls two spots? Donnie continues his tradition by pulling out a win without being in the top 7 in scoring. In fact, he's currently 10th in scoring. But those wins are in the books, and he likely only needs 4 more in the next 9 games to make the playoffs. And with Stafford, Arian, Alf, Julio and Witten, along with a possible Percy return, The Don could make another improbable Stevens Bowl run.

11. Zacherman - CPP: 109.73, Last Week: 13th
Tough loss last week for Z, who had his best chance at notching his first win. Nicks throwing up a goose egg obviously sucked (and he fucked me in two leagues), as did Ray Ray's injury, but I get the feeling that this team should just be better than it is. I don't know what you can do other than wait and hope, because there aren't a lot of trade pieces there for you.You can get revenge for the 2010 Stevens Bowl against Donnie this week, but if you don't, this season might be over.

12. Gutman - CPP: 98.03, Last Week: 10th
Before the season I though people were too high on Kaepernick because he really had no one to throw to. But even I didn't think it would look this bad. Other than Muscle Hamster, I don't even see anyone on your team that has any trade value. You're in a postion like Z, but you have a little bit more depth, and a lot less talent. Could we be witnessing a season that puts you near the Long Line?

13. Alan - CPP: 95.77, Last Week: 14th
You've had bad luck so far, so you deserved a somewhat lucky win against Weissbard. Your trade of Wilson is something you never want to do: sell low. But a lineup of Luck/Gore/Gio/Jordy/Wayne/Gates with Amendola joining the fray once he gets healthy isn't bad at all. I think you lost the trade, but when you're averaging under 75 points per game, you need to do something.

14. Kimmel - CPP: 94.27, Last Week: 12th
Usually when we have a new guy, they win the damn league. I guess we are calling you Kimmel, so you're not technically new, but you have had some rough luck. Fitz is out of the top 20 at WR, MJD is out of the top 30 at RB, and the depth I though this team had just hasn't panned out. You get to take on Weissbard this week, but with Rodgers on a bye, you'll need an Arizona miracle to pull this one out.

Week 2 CPP Rankings

While I try to recover from that absurd bid on Eddie Fucking Royal, as well as the T-Rich trade, I will give each team a real write-up this week, but I reserve the right to go back to Twitter or Haiku format at any point.

Before we get to the rankings, let's look at how our division captains have done so far:

Ajay
Named his division? No.
Winning percentage of teams he drafted: .500

Esco
Named his division? No.
Winning percentage of teams he drafted: .500

Nick
Named his division? Yes, but I think we all agree he can do better.
Winning percentage of teams he drafted: .375

Obviously this is a small sample size, and Nick is the only division captain who isn't undefeated (in fact he has no wins), but I'd give Nick the lead based off him putting even 5 seconds of effort into naming his, and all the other divisions.

Week 2 CPP Rankings

1. Bennett - CPP: 177.2, Last Week: 3rd
The injury bug hit you hard between Weeks 1 and 2, and I don't know if you'll be able to hang onto this top spot for more than one week with Fred Jackson or Bilal Powell as your starting RB. Given your depth at receiver, and Joseph's lack of any, I think this is an obvious trade candidate. I also think that you're one of those guys who justifies have Eli and Flacco on your team by pointing to their three Super Bowl rings as opposed to their absurdly bad interceptions and three combined eyebrows. Good luck trying to take down the Black Dick this week.

2. AGD - CPP: 155.7, Last Week: 1st
Down one spot this week more due to Bennett's strong play than anything else, I wish I could have punished you for blowing a third of your budget on a receiver who will not score again this year. With Welker, Marshall, Tampa Mike and Gordon already in tow, this was an irresponsible bid. Unless you plan on trading some of these guys to Joseph for Charles or Ridley, in which case nice work.

3. Ajay - CPP: 149.8, Last Week: 4th
There appears to be a leader in the clubhouse for the Broncos starting RB, which makes your life a hell of a lot easier than it was last week. As long as Denver stays away from RBBC, your team looks to be in good shape. You might have a little too much riding on the health of Vick and Reggie, but that's just picking nits.

4. Esco - CPP: 138.5, Last Week: 6th
You have the tough situation of having a lot of depth at RB, but other than Forte, none of them are must-starts. A lot of teams in this league would kill for that problem, but it's likely going to cost you a game or two over the course of the season. Even with that headache, your trio of receivers should be enough to carry you most weeks, and if Cam gets going, watch out.

5. Barnard - CPP: 136.8, Last Week: 8th
If Barnard had the choice of winning the weekly prize last week, or not having SJax get hurt, I think he'd chose the prize. In a nutshell, that's why he sucks at fantasy football and life. Enjoy what is likely the peak of your year while it lasts, and have fun starting multiple backup RBs this week.

6. Kumpf - CPP: 118.1, Last Week: 9th
Two weeks in a row being right behind Barnard. He might be used to having the same guy behind him for weeks at a time, but I have to admit that it's creeping me out. I have to admit that I think my team has been getting by on smoke and mirrors, and if my RBs don't turn it up then I'm kind of screwed. What annoys me the most is that I don't even have the depth to pull off a logical trade.

7. Weissbard - CPP: 109.1, Last Week: 1st
"I hope you don't expect Peyton (or anyone) to do that again soon. This team will lose to Donnie and miss the playoffs." - Kevin Kumpf, 9/12/13

Not to say I told you so but...

Things aren't all bad in Beezleburgh, as you didn't have to waste $80 on James Starks this week as everyone rushed to pick him up. And with Dola on the shelf, Edelmen should continue to rack up points. It's just never fun when the question, "What is the ceiling of my team?" is answered during Week 1.

8. Donnie - CPP: 99.4, Last Week: 5th
In what feels like an annual tradition, Donnie is 2-0 without having finished in the top 7 in scoring either week. I have a feeling that trend will end this week; If you're going to beat AGD, you're going to have to earn it. But overall I still like this team, other than a gaping hole at WR2.

9. Billy/Marshall - CPP: 98.45, Last Week: 7th
You guys need a nickname that's easier to abbreviate. AGD is taken, and I don't really like BNBD, so we need nominations. Your depth is still clearly an issue, and we haven't even hit the byes yet. But with those RBs, you might be able to get by with any combination of receivers.

10. Gutman - CPP: 97.0, Last Week: 9th
We knew Boldin wouldn't dominate again, but that Kaepernick performance was shocking. He'll bounce back, but this team just has a mediocre feel overall. And if I were you, I might start Le'Veon Bell over Doug Martin this week. Just a hunch, but if you did that, your interview with my company next week might go a little better than if you start Muscle Hamster. I'm just sayin...

11. Joseph - CPP: 96.65, Last Week: 12th
Considering how God-awful your team looks on paper, you haven't put up embarrassing point totals so far. I don't think I've ever seen someone's value change as quickly Bradshaw's did twice in the last week, and if you're ever in a bad mood you can just look at your receivers and start laughing. But we knew that your team would come down to the health and performance of RG3 and Gronk, and so far that hasn't panned out. Your luck could change as soon as this week.

12. Kimmel - CPP: 80.8, Last Week: 13th
In true Kimmel fashion, this team is 0-2. You may have gotten MJD and DeAngelo on discounts (steep discounts in this case), but there is a reason that no one else wanted them. Your trio of Green/Fitz/Austin won't put up a combined 10.5 again any time soon, so I think you bounce back this week and take down the extremely overrated Barnard squad.

13. Zacherman - CPP: 74.25, Last Week: 11th
I'm a little shocked that you started two TEs instead of flexing Stevie Johnson, and while they both played well, that's just not smart decision making. With Rice hurt, Blackmon still suspended, and Ivory not staking his claim in the Jets backfield, your team is treading water big time. Relief may come this week against Joseph, but you need to make some changes and fast.

14. Alan - CPP: 71.7, Last Week: 14th
You're not that far behind Z in CPP points, but that's due to the injury boost that Amendola gives you. We all knew your team had no depth, and with Dola hurt and Wilson still looking to break into positive numbers, it's showing. On the bright side, Gio Bernard looked great on Monday, and Chris Givens had a breakout game. I'm calling the upset of the week in picking Muff Puff over Weissbard.

MACH

Week 1 CPP Rankings

With an all-over-the-place Week 1 in the books, this brings us to our first in what I assume will be a series of abbreviated CPP Rankings. As I said, if anyone wants to jump in with an official blog post, let me know, but we're already off to a good start with list-serve contributions from Weissbard, Barnard and Marshall.

As always, the early-season CPP's will jump around a bit until about Week 5, when they start to stabilize. For those who are new, or may have forgotten, the following factors go into the CPP:

• Adjusted Points-Per-Game (taking out your best and worst weeks after Week 5)
• Difference Between Actual And Optimal Lineup (points you left on the bench)
• Injury Luck (weights lost points based on injuries to starters using their previous 4 games average)
• Transactions (trades are weighted 3 times as heavily as player acquisitions)
• Total Ranking Points (basically the average finish of your team each week compared to the rest of the league)
• "Actual" Wins (times that you finished in the top 7 of the league, takes schedule luck out of the equation)

This week's theme will be Twitter posts, so each team gets 140 characters or less.

Week 1 CPP Rankings

1. AGD - CPP: 144.0
The twins got unlucky against Bennett, but they probably have the most balanced team in the league. They'll destroy our commish in Week 2.

2. Weissbard - CPP: 141.1
I hope you don't expect Peyton (or anyone) to do that again soon. This team will lose to Donnie and miss the playoffs.

3. Bennett - CPP: 131.3
With Vereen out and Roddy hurting, I smell a 6-game losing streak. Time to trade one of your studs for depth?

4. Ajay - CPP: 112.9
Can Vick and Reggie keep it up? If they can, "He Who Refuses To Be Named" could be in line for a third straight Stevens Bowl.

5. Donnie - CPP: 105.1
Other than AGD the most balanced team out there. It's fitting that his first ever auction won was for Jacobs, though it's a shame the new guy can't get in the Weissbard beat-down this week.

6. Esco - CPP: 105.0
Got a strange win thanks to unsustainable performances from Demaryius, Myers and Mathews (and Joique on the bench). Shouldn't be an issue, as Cam, Dez and Garcon all shit the bed.

7. Billy/Marshall: 99.4
My hopes for a boom/bust season were shattered by an extremely pedestrian 98 point week. Vernon won't keep it up, but given how McCoy looked, I'd change your team name to ShadyNasty.

8. Barnard: 88.0
Calvin's TD curse seems to be exaggerated now that Barnard owns him, but he won't be held under 4 again. Unfortunately for you, Law Firm will be benched within a month, and Michael Turner is still on your roster.

9. Kumpf: 82.9
I have to hope that the CJ/Lamar combo steps up their game, because Cruz ain't doing that again. My flex is a constant concern, and Matty Ice needs to contend for the MVP if I have a shot.

9. Gutman: 82.9
Technically me and Gut tied, but I got him an interview at my company so I went first. You're this low because you sat Boldin, and even though you didn't need him to win, the CPP knows you fucked up.

11. Zacherman: 78.3
Our first wild overpay in free agency goes to Z, who will watch Julius Thomas throw up a 0 on Sunday. This team will be good come November, but good enough to rebound from a shitty Sept/Oct?

12. Joseph: 78.0
Most of your team looked really bad last week. But RG3 came on at the end, JC looked fine, and Ridley's competition just got hurt, so that combined with a Gronk return is something right?

13. Kimmel: 64.4
The consensus best draft lost a tight one last week, and the CPP hates that he left 35 points on the bench. That will correct itself soon, and this looks like a very deep playoff team.

14. Alan: 57.0
Our equivalent of the Jets, Alan drops players for no reason, then overpays to re-sign them. David Wilson should be just fine, but I can't say the same about your team management skills.

That's all for this week, hopefully more to come in the future.

MACH

2013 Draft Grades

I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse than leaving Savannah and having to go to St. Louis and not to my bed. But it could have been worse. I could have had to re-enter the entire draft pick-by-pick. While it’s hilarious that Nick had to do that, it also has terrible side effects. Namely, that the prices of each player in the draft are no longer stored anywhere. Once again, fuck ESPN.

The lack of prices, as well as my lack of memory of the draft in general, makes these draft grades infinitely more difficult. While I remember Kimmel getting DeAngelo for real cheap, and Barnard wildly overpaying for S-Jax, I don’t remember the exact extent to which each player was over- or under-paid.

So these grades will be done based on the current ADP of each team’s starting lineup, with some credit given to the quality of their bench. If you have plenty of options for your Flex spot (like me), that’s nice. But I’d much rather have a no-doubt Flex stud every week, and worry about injuries only after they happen. And as you’ll see, for some reason this formula loved Weissbard’s team (which I hate) and hated Joseph’s team (which I think could be amazing or terrible). So I have made some manual adjustments in the extreme cases.

All that aside, the best part of the weekend was that we had a great turnout and all got to enjoy each other’s company. Maybe a little too much in some cases, as there were more shirts off than on at one point. To commemorate Draft Weekend 2013, I return to my annual gimmick of handing out Draft Location-appropriate quotes to each team. In 2011, it was The Hangover for Vegas. In 2012, it was country music lyrics for Nashville. In 2013, we turn to the very best-good movie I’ve ever seen, Forrest Gump.

Lowe/Dave O

Forrest Gump: Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. You want a chocolate?

The first quote of the movie, spoken in Chippewa Square in Savannah, goes to our two non-league members who came along for the trip. I think we are all in awe of Lowe’s intense dedication (desperation?) to showing up at every single draft despite not having a team in the league. And Dave O’s drive had to be no easy feat on Sunday with a hangover. The more the merrier, so I hope we can regain some more draft staples (Anson, Bruno, Rob Woods) in the years to come. But now for the main event…

2013 FALAFEL Draft Grades

AGD

Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

This quote goes to our longest tenured duo, who truly do know what love is. Not only was it impressive to see them navigate the same computer during the draft, but it was nice to see them actually show up to the draft. Hopefully this wasn’t a one-time thing.

Best Pick: Tony Romo at like $10. These guys got lucky that Eli and Vick both got taken, leaving them with the last remaining top 12 QB at a huge bargain.

Worst Pick: Wes Welker. No idea on price, but by taking him instead of a legit RB2, you’re putting a lot of pressure on Daryl Richardson to produce every week.

Starter ADP: 462.2

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade:  C

Kumpf

Forrest Gump: You know it's funny what a young man recollects? 'Cause I don't remember bein' born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic.

Every fucking year I say that I’m not going to drink before the draft. And every fucking year I’m at least 6 deep before the draft, and don’t slow down at all during it. This was my worst draft in recent memory, which is perfect, because I barely remember bidding on any of these guys.

Best Pick: Jimmy Graham. If I didn’t have him, my team would be complete shit. He will hopefully be the difference-maker that keeps me afloat.

Worst Pick: Andre Brown for $12. Bad value when I made the pick. Looks even worse now.

Starter ADP: 383.9

Bench Depth: Medium-Weak

Grade: B-

Billy/Marshall

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: You twins?

Forrest Gump: No, we are not relations Sir.

This quote goes to our second ever duo, and first multi-racial team unless you count Esco. You guys lived up to your unpredictable reputations at the draft, and I can only hope it continues during the season.

Best Pick: LeSean McCoy. I’m pretty sure you got him for like $10 less than Marshawn.

Worst Pick: Marshawn Lynch. I’m pretty sure you paid like $10 more for him than Shady.

Starter ADP: 380.2

Bench Depth: Extremely Weak

Grade: C+

Kimmel

Drill Sergeant: Gump! What's your sole purpose in this army?

Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump

This quote goes to Kimmel, who much like Forrest Gump himself, was extremely underrated going into this draft. His steals of Rodgers and the now infamous DeAngelo bid, are just two of a series of solid picks. But time will tell if this was a case of him being in the right place at the right time (as it was with Gump), or if he actually has the skills to match. Also, time will tell if Kimmel, like Gump, contracted AIDS from his wife.

Best Pick: DeAngelo Williams. Looked great at the time. Looks even better now.

Worst Pick: Maurice Jones-Drew. I have no idea what you paid for him, but his health and his shitty team have me very scared to own MJD this year.

Starter ADP: 336.8

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: A

Ajay

Forrest Gump: Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running!

It wouldn’t be a Gump quote series without some mention of running, and unfortunately this crew doesn’t give me much to work with. So this quote goes to Ajay, who has been known to run home from bars while blacked out. The real question is, did he lose his Chef Coat after less than one day?

Best Pick: Reggie Bush. He’s listed as your Flex now, but he’s really an RB2 for a great price.

Worst Pick: Michael Vick. By bidding on him, you ruled yourself out on any of the top 12 QBs automatically. He could have a great season, but he wasn’t worth more than a couple dollars.

Starter ADP: 443.2

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: C+

Gutman

Forrest Gump: So what are you doing in New York, Lt. Dan?

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: I am living off the government tit! Sucking it dry!

This quote goes to the only FALAFEL member who is currently applying for unemployment. Keep sucking that tit Gutman!

Best Pick: T.Y. Hilton. I assume you didn't pay too much for him, and I'm a big fan of the Colts passing offense this year.

Worst Pick: Jonathan Dwyer. I loved the pick at the time, but you paid more than $1 from him, and then he got cut.

Starter ADP: 382.6

Bench Depth: Medium-Strong

Grade: B

Bennett

Forrest Gump: One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. Shoot, it even rained at night...

The only real weather quote in the movie goes to Fox 13’s Michael Bennett. You were the only league member not at the draft, and I would say that we missed you, but that’s just not true.

Best Pick: DeSean Jackson. Their defense might be terrible, but the Eagles will score a lot this year. Do you really think that Michael Vick, one of the blackest men on the planet, is going to throw to Riley Cooper?

Worst Pick: Eli Manning. Possibly the worst pick in the draft when it was made. You screwed yourself at QB, ate up valuable auction dollars, and now you have to root for the Giants.

Starter ADP: 442.1

Bench Depth: Medium-Strong

Grade: C-

Barnard

Forrest Gump: I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe.

This quote goes to Barnard, because he definitely said this to Alexis at some point when he visited her in college. I hated this team at the draft while hammered, then changed my tune when I was hungover the next day. After completely sobering up, I stand by my initial assessment.

Best Pick: Andrew Luck. I don’t remember you getting a ton of value overall, so I’m just assuming you spent less than $18 on Luck and call that a value.

Worst Pick: Mike Wallace. As much as I’d like to see him have a big year, it’s not happening. Not to mention that whatever you spent on Wallace could have gone to a second RB. You currently have the Law Firm (who is about to lose his job to Gio Bernard), Danny Woodhead (will never be an NFL starter), LeGarrette Blount (is destined to be cut), Jonathan Stewart (out until at least Week 7), and Michael Turner (less employed than Gutman).

Starter ADP: 381

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: B-

Joseph

Forrest Gump: There was this man giving a little talk, and for some reason he was wearing an American flag for a shirt. And he liked to say the 'F word' a lot. "F this" and "F that". And everytime he said the 'F word' people, for some reason, well, they cheered.

The best ranter in the movie goes to FALAFEL’s best list-serve ranter. He may already have secured worst commissioner for his abysmal performance in setting up the league, but as long as Nick keeps sending scathing emails, his spot in the league is secure.

Best Pick/Worst Pick: Robert Griffin III/Rob Gronkowski. These two guys will determine whether you run away with the league (both are healthy), contend for the playoffs (one is healthy), or struggle to win 5 games (neither is healthy). You have stud RBs and shit for WR, so your season rests on the health of your two risks.

Starter ADP: 444.6

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: C+* (Could easily turn out to be an A or an F)

Donnie

Forrest Gump: My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

The line most associated with the Savannah scene goes to the FALAFEL member who experienced the city the most. Honestly it’s difficult to assign a quote to Donnie because I could give him literally every quote in the movie. But he said this one to me in Chippewa Square while we lamented that no one, namely Alan, was dressed as a nurse.

Best Pick: Alfred Morris. Literally no idea how much you paid, but I had him rated as my #7 RB, and I’m sure you paid less than that for him. If Arian is in fact hurt, relying on Morris isn’t bad at all.

Worst Pick: Arian Foster. A lot of question marks for what I assume was a lot of money.

Starter ADP: 380.4

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: B-

Zacherman

Bubba: Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.

This quote goes to Zacherman because just like Forrest pretty much ignores this rant by Bubba, when Z gets on a roll about how he got screwed, how good his team is, the Jets, etc. all of us pretty much tune him out. I hope Kenny Stills breaks all the records this year.

Best Pick: Chris Ivory. I know it was a homer pick, but if he’s healthy I can see a top 10 RB season for Ivory.

Worst Pick: Drew Brees. $40 is too much for a QB this year, and while I like your team overall, it could be even better.

Starter ADP: 392.8

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: B

Weissbard

Forrest Gump: Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks.

The most consistently depressing storyline in the movie (Jenny’s family situation) goes to the most consistently depressing team in the league. Weiss is currently sitting dangerously close to the Kimmel Line for his career, and this draft certainly did not help his chances. I don’t care what the ADP says, I’m not scared of Weissbard this year. At least he won the team name title.

Best Pick: Darren Sproles. And that’s probably the only pick that I would call good.

Worst Pick: DeMarco Murray. I have to assume you overpaid for him, otherwise where did all your money go?

Starter ADP: 300.2

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: B* (This grade is still too high. He will not win 6 games)

Alan

Recruit Officer: Have you given any thought to your future, son?

Forrest Gump: "Thought"?

I couldn’t really find a great quote about the Muffin Man himself, so this one goes to his team. Alan has probably my favorite set of starters in the league, especially after the Andre Brown injury, but absolutely no depth. This will be an interesting season.

Best Pick: Reggie Wayne. The Wilson pick looks better now, but Alan couldn’t have predicted Brown’s injury, if he even knew who Brown was. Wayne will be a top 10 WR this year.

Worst Pick: Tom Brady. You never want to win the bid on the first player nominated. I forget whether this was a bargain or an overpay, but either way no market had been established. Alan is lucky that this didn’t fuck his team over.

Starter ADP: 339.5

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: A

Esco

Forrest Gump: He was from a long great military tradition. Somebody from his family had fought and died in every single American war. I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to.

This epic quote about Lieutenant Dan goes to our most consistently great performer. Esco hasn’t finished below .500 since we expanded to 14 teams, and he is poised to continue that streak this year.

Best Pick: Matt Forte. Even though we don’t do PPR, Forte should have a huge year in the new Chicago offense.

Worst Pick: Dez Bryant. I like Dez, but by taking him, you had to settle for Ryan Mathews as your RB2. I have a feeling you’ll be looking to move one of your trio of receivers after Mathews continues to disappoint.

Starter ADP: 367.4

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: A-

Grade Summary:

1.       Kimmel – A, Starter ADP: 336.8, Bench Depth: Strong

2.       Alan – A, Starter ADP: 339.5, Bench Depth: Weak

3.       Esco – A-, Starter ADP: 367.4, Bench Depth: Strong

4.       Weissbard – B, Starter ADP: 300.2, Bench Depth: Weak

5.       Zacherman – B, Starter ADP: 392.8, Bench Depth: Strong

6.       Gutman – B, Starter ADP: 382.6, Bench Depth: Strong

7.       Donnie – B-,  Starter ADP: 380.4, Bench Depth: Weak

8.       Kumpf – B-, Starter ADP: 383.9, Bench Depth: Medium-Weak

9.       Barnard – B-, Starter ADP: 381, Bench Depth: Weak

10.   Joseph – C+, Starter ADP: 444.6, Bench Depth: Weak

11.   Billy/Marshall – C+, Starter ADP: 380.2, Bench Depth: Extremely Weak

12.   Ajay – C+, Starter ADP: 443.2, Bench Depth: Strong

13.   AGD – C, Starter ADP: 462.2, Bench Depth: Strong

14.   Bennett – C-, Starter ADP: 442.1, Bench Depth: Medium-Strong

And that’s all I have to say about that.