Draft Grades

I left for Vegas on Thursday, August 25th, intending to return Sunday, August 28th. I will end up back in New Jersey on Monday, September 5th. Vegas baby, Vegas. I’ll get to a few memorable moments of an epic trip during this post, but for the most part you had to be there to truly appreciate it. Especially Sunday night at the Riviera. Words can’t describe that experience.

For this year’s Draft Recap/Grades, I’ve decided to rip off a Simmons gimmick yet again and hand out movie quotes along with the grades. While Professor Simmons has used quotes ranging from Shawshank to Almost Famous to The Wire, I thought there was only one movie that fit our experience last weekend: The Hangover. I’ll be giving out quotes to everyone who was on the trip, FALAFEL member or otherwise. Those of you not in Vegas will be getting quotes as well, though I can’t promise you’ll like them.
So without further ado…

Ajay - Hotel Guest at Valet: Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.
While this could have really gone to any and all of us, I’m giving to a man who redefined “The Biggest Loser.” While the financial losses hurt for sure, Ajay made a good point after the fact: That we had a group of 14 people in one place for an extended period of time and everyone had an amazing time. No fights, no arguing, only slight Barnard/Alan bickering. Once the hangovers finally go away and the bank accounts finally get replenished, the lasting memory of this trip will be a fucking great time. I have no regrets.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value: Romo at $20. I know you already had Stafford, but that is fantastic value for someone who should be a top 5 fantasy QB this year. Now you just have to trade Stafford to the first team to suffer a QB injury.
Worst Value: Miles Austin at $28. I actually like the value, but when you already have Roddy and Fitz, you probably should have invested that money elsewhere so that Ingram and McGahee aren’t your starting RBs. I’m still interested to see how this approach works.

Joseph – Phil: The Best Little Chapel…do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do, it’s at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide.
The most asshole line in the movie goes to the biggest asshole in the league. Now that he doesn’t even have to pretend to be an impartial commissioner anymore, I’m looking forward to a vintage year of Joseph emails.
Draft Grade: F
Best Value: Marion Barber at $1. When I see your draft, the words “abject failure” come to mind. I guess if Forte goes down then Barber becomes a $1 feature back. That’s really as complimentary as I can be.
Worst Value: Roy Williams at $9. It was tough to choose between a QB at $43, a holdout (at the time) at $59, or a player on IR at $1, but I think the 4th string WR for Jay Cutler for anything more than a chicken wing takes the cake.

Marshall – Stu: Why are you peppering the steak? You don’t know if tigers like pepper.
Alan: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
If anyone in our Vegas crew knows the way a tiger likes his steak, it would be Marshall. Between showing up with just a small back-pack and running through the casino with Billy on his shoulders, I think it’s safe to say Marshall was a fantastic addition to the trip.

Billy – Eddie: I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
I think all of us have thought this at some point about Billy, and this weekend just reinforced that. The aforementioned shoulder incident, raising his ATM limit three times in one day, and being determined to get into the Caesar’s pool hours before it opened leaves Lutz firmly in control of his reputation. And I’m pretty sure if Long came to Vegas he would have silently spent his time on the slot machines and then not even shown up to the draft.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value: Stevie Johnson at $15. Not my favorite player, but a good price, and you have depth in your receiving core. Not a bad job considering it was your first auction and we all have a year of experience on you. Brees and Arian can carry you to the playoffs themselves.
Worst Value: Reggie Bush at $15. As a Dolphin fan and Reggie-hater I am fully aware that we will not be in a position to run the ball much this year, and even when we are, Bush is not good at it. Also bidding $1 on TO is just a waste. That would be like bidding $9 on Roy Williams.

Weissbard – Office Foltz: Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place “Loserville.”
Or in Dan’s case, we call this place “Israel.” In typical Weissbard fashion, be it a weekly email or a yearlong trip to the Motherland, he gets bored and gives up on stuff rather quickly. Luckily in fantasy he still makes lineup changes so I can’t complain too much.
Draft Grade: B+
Best Value: Jacobs at $14. With so many teams in our league, guys like Jacobs and Tolbert pay off because their one-yard TD is worth as much as a guy like Felix Jones rushing 18 times for 68 yards. It might not be pretty, but for that price it’s worth it.
Worst Value: Hines Ward at $5. You slightly overpaid for Brady, Blount, VJ and Nicks, but that’s a pretty solid core so I can’t complain. Ward will be nothing but a dancing decoy in that Pitt offense and he’s not even worth a roster spot in my opinion. Also you left $2 in the bank and paid $2 for your kicker so poor money management.

Gutman – Phil: You’re not really wearin’ that are you?
Alan: Wearin’ what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or you guys just fuckin’ with me?
To the man in the absurd clubbing attire. While I was out cold at the time (9pm), I was told that Gutguy wore a pretty spiffy blazer to Tao. We’ve come a long way from the Hugh Douglas jersey, and I think I speak for everyone when I say we miss those days. Lot of good it did you as well, Mr. Bottle Service.
Draft Grade: Incomplete. Best case B+, worst case C-, all comes down to Vick
Best/Worst Value: Vick for $44. Your entire team hinges on the health of one man, who has played exactly one full season since entering the league in 2001. That’s a lot to pay for a QB no matter who he is, but if he plays 16 games like he played the 8 last year, then it’s worth it. I also think you got great value on Marshawn at $10, and paid about $8 too much for Pettigrew at $9.


Lowe – Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.
To the only member of our trip that I’m aware of that did get lucky. And I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope that Aussie bird gave you herpes.

Kimmel – Stu: But it wasn’t ecstasy Alan, it was roofies.
Alan: You think I knew Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter.
Stu: I’m sorry, you mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn’t a good guy?
To the man responsible for setting up one of my favorite lines of the trip. A random older guy walks into the suite and is making small talk with Kimmel and the rest of us, introducing himself as “Dave.” After a minute or two he pulls out a large bag from his pocket and says, “Anybody wanna buy some weed?” There is a brief silence and Billy goes, “Oh so that’s what Dave is.”
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value: Jason Witten at $20. And you overpaid for him. But he is literally the only person in your starting lineup who isn’t either hurt or extremely injury prone. On the bright side, your roster will definitely lead the league in visits to Dr. James Andrews.
Worst Value: Colston at $26. The Saints spread the ball and he is a torn ACL waiting to happen. The only pick I like that you made was Delone Carter, so it figures that you immediately trade him.

Bennett – Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot…Dr. Faggot!
I’m giving you this quote for several reasons. First, because you weren’t at the draft. Second, because I can totally see Nick pulling up outside your house and yelling this. And third, because like Stu in the movie, you are way too self-important about a profession that no one respects.
Draft Grade: B
Best Values: Forte at $31, DeSean at $27.
Worst Values: Mendenhall at $53, Tampa Mike at $27. That overall RB/WR quartet is solid, but for some reason you overpaid for the guys that will have the worse seasons. I begrudgingly like your team, though a lot depends on what Kolb/Falco give you.

Alan – Stu: I married a whore!
Alan: How dare you, she’s a nice lady!
Only Alan could get tangled up in a web of siblings who also may have been/probably were a prostitution ring. But to listen to him tell the story, it was a top-five moment in his life. Ajay probably can’t say the same thing, but at least one brown man enjoyed the platonic company of hookers.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value: Run DMC at $44. I don’t personally like him, but for the upside he has, that’s good value.
Worst Value: Plax at $15. For a man who has been behind bars for the last year or two, the preseason means more than it does for others. He had a hell of a grab against the soon-to-be-0-16 Bengals and has been shut out other than that. I know you have his jersey Alan, but you didn’t see me bidding on Brian Leonard.

Anson – Mr. Chow: Why don’t you suck on these little Chinese nuts?
I’m making no commentary on the size of Anson’s balls, just being purely racist (it won’t be the last time). Joking aside it was good to see Brother Leung, it had been too long.

Barnard – Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
To the man who lost control of his bowels. As undeniably hilarious as the story is, is anyone else even the slightest bit worried about a 24-year old who is living with his mom and routinely having accidents? No one cares? Me neither.
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value: Matty Ice at $14. Should be a stud this year. If he’s not then you’re fucked.
Worst Value: Taste Dwayne Bowe at $27. What a terrible pick. The Chiefs are going to fall fast this year, and even if they don’t, it will be due to their running game.

Kumpf – Alan: Hey what’s that on your arm?
Stu: Oh my God Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil: Yeah, I guess I was
To me after taking a tumble off a table on night two, and having a baseball-sized knot on the back of my head. Headaches have finally subsided, so I doubt I got a concussion. Big thanks to Marshall, Billy, Lowe and Bader for getting me some ice and carrying me back to the room.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value: Jahvid Best at $15. For an offense that everyone thinks is going to be potent, I’m shocked that their only RB went for this cheap. What about his backup? I got him for $2. Run Lions Run.
Worst Value: $32 for Greg Jennings. There is some loyalty here from being my lone bright spot last year, and I really didn’t want to spend $27 on Dwayne Bowe.

Bader – Mr. Chow: Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.
More racism. Also it’s funny picturing Bader saying this with an Asian accent.

Zacherman – Alan: Hey guys, when’s the next Haley’s comet?
Phil: Who cares man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don’t think it’s for another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it’s not tonight right?
Stu: No I don’t think so.
Alan: But you don’t know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one and said it blew his mind. I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley’s comet.
The most stoner-like conversation in the movie goes to the man who spent most (all?) of the trip stoned. I don’t know how you do it, but you seem to always enjoy yourself, so more power to you.
Draft Grade: A
Best Values: Beanie/D-Willy/Bradshaw for a total of $62 or $3 less than AP or Arian. I don’t really like any of them individually, but that’s as solid a trio as you’ll get in our league.
Worst Value: Gates for $26. He’s a beast, but injuries scare me too much to drop that much on him. When healthy, Rivers-Gates will be pretty nice for you. I hate to say it but you’re in a pretty nice position right now.

AGD – Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
After the draft I immediately thought you guys had the worst team, so this was me saying goodbye to your Stevens Cup chances. Upon revisiting your roster, it’s actually not bad. Either way, you’re not at the draft, you get a shitty quote.
Draft Grade: B
Best Values: Marshall/Maclin for $40 total. I like your RBs as a trio, but they cost you a shitload. I don’t particularly like your WRs but that’s still good value.
Worst Values: Eli/Sanchez for $14 total. It’s never a good thing when your weekly roster question is “Who will throw the least interceptions?”

Esco – Alan: And we’re the three best friends that anyone could ever have, the three best friends that anyone could ever have…
To Esco, as well as Alan and myself, for spending the night in the monstrosity called the Riviera.
There’s a lot of great memories from Vegas, and a lot I don’t remember, but I think the thing that will stick out to me the most in 20 years is the Riviera experience. Maybe it’s because I stayed sober, but maybe it’s because we saw a 20-year old guy ride an elevator for the first time, among other things.
Draft Grade: A-
Best Value: Austin Collie at $12. Despite the fact that we all think his head will explode if he gets hit hard again, he is one of Peyton’s favorite targets. And you do have solid receiver depth (and overall depth) anyway, but I think Collie will be a consistent starter for you.
Worst Value: Spending $6 each on Cutler and Bradford, and leaving $6 in your wallet. For $18, you could have landed a better QB, but I’m picking nits. Also I like Bradford a lot.

Donnie – Phil: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu: Ok, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even cum inside her.
Phil: And you believe that?
Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.
The most bullshit situation in the movie to the man who has missed the draft both years he’s been in the league, auto-drafted for 95% of them, yet won a championship. You’re also the first league member that we’ve discussed dropping while the draft was still going on. I realize you had good reasons, but this year you could have been sitting right next to Alan at the draft and avoided the hurricane. If you win again this year I’m taking a year off of fantasy.
Draft Value: F-
Best Value: Josh Freeman for $8. Esco could have used him for that price.
Worst Value: Spending $42 of your $200 on 4 TE’s none of whom are named Gates, Clark or Witten. I still don’t understand why, after you actually joined the draft, you took Tony G for your 4th TE. Bold strategy, I’ll kill myself if it works out for you.

GPA Recap:
Zacherman: A
Esco: A-
Weissbard: B+
AGD: B
Bennett: B
Ajay: B-
Alan: B-
Gutman: C+ (averaged)
Billy: C+
Kumpf: C+
Barnard: D+
Kimmel: D+
Joseph: F
Donnie: F-

Week 1 Power Rankings coming out next Thursday!