Week 2 Rankings

Before I get to the rankings, let me just give my opinion on the poll, in which I am in the clear minority. Porn is everywhere. There is literally no limit to what you can watch, which is both amazing and occasionally horrifying. But they’re all random people that, as soon as you see them, you’re aware that you will see them naked and typically penetrated. While I know Barnard thinks he knows most of them intimately, for the general public, videos can pretty much all be labeled “Hot Girl X Getting Pounded.”

But with celebrities, it’s different. You see them in movies, most of them starting when they’re in their late teens, early twenties. There are pretty much four ways a celebrity can do the whole nudity thing: Early and often, sparingly but effectively, as a late bloomer, or hacked pictures/videos. Examples of early and often include people like Kate Winslet, Anna Paquin (not including the goose movie), and Keira Knightley. Sparingly but effective would include Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway (who’s dangerously close to becoming Early and Often), and Halle Berry. Late bloomers can be disgusting (Diane Keaton) or amazing (Marisa Tomei), there is no in between. And then there’s the hacked pictures/videos which include nearly all sex tapes as well as Miss Johannson’s current scandal.

I enjoy each of these categories, but the last one is the best, because any of the other ones has some sort of expectation with it. Any Kate Winslet movie you know has a 75% chance of nudity, while there’s a less chance with Halle Berry. Back in the 90’s, there was no chance of seeing Marisa Tomei nude, but today I’d say she’s about 50/50. But the surprise of seeing ScarJo’s tits yesterday was really enjoyable for me, because you knew that her best case scenario was as a late bloomer, when they would be sagging to her knees.

So now that I have stated my case, I will offer a comparison to justify my viewpoint. Porn is like getting a hooker, whereas celebrity stuff is more like a one night stand. If you get a hooker, you know that you’re going to have sex, it won’t be particularly special, it could get weird, and there’s a good chance that more than one dick will be involved. But if you have a one night stand, you really don’t know what to expect, how far it will go, and you actually “know” the girl a little bit. I completely understand and appreciate the porn viewpoint, but I am passionate about my stance.

Bitching About Kicking

Well this segment certainly got off to a bang last week, with ESPN top kicker Nate Kaeding tearing his ACL on the first play of the season and throwing up a goose-egg. My random kicker, the lowly Bengals’ Mike Nugent, had a solid day with 2 FGs and 3 PATs for 10 points. So the score for the season is Randomness 10-Experts 0.

This week ESPN gives their kiss of death to Stephen Gostkowski, who we can all hope suffers a similar fate as Kaeding. My random kicker this week is Steve Hauschka from the high-scoring Seahawks. After drawing the Bengals and Seahawks in Weeks 1 and 2, I really should be digging myself in a hole, if it takes skill to play kickers in fantasy. And I think Janikowski deserved like 10 points for a 63-yard FG, if only because Donnie would have beaten Barnard by even more.

Week 2 Rankings
Because I’m short on time, I’m doing a small gimmick this week: Facts and Flukes. I’ll list a player from each team that had a Week 1 that will be indicative of his 2011 performance, and one who’s Week 1 was an aberration.

1. Esco – CPP: 157.82 – Last Week: 9th
Fact: Raymell Rice. What a game from the man who will be the top fantasy RB in 2011. The Ravens won’t look that good every week, but I see no reason why Ray will stop that production.
Fluke: Cedric Benson. His point total was aided by a long TD run at the very end of the game. He might put up 6-8 points per game, but don’t expect double digits too often.

2. Lutz – CPP: 140.26 – Last Week: 7th
Fact: LT. He’s a solid flex play who I still think should be starting over Green. He’ll have similar production to Benson, but on a better team, giving him a higher ceiling. Between him, an apparently juvenated/healthy Reggie, and Arian, that’s a solid RB stable to go with Brees.
Fluke: Percy Harvin. Yeah 7 points isn’t bad. But Donovan is, and his TD came on a kick return. The Vikings are in trouble, as is any team relying on their players.

3. Alan – CPP: 127.91 – Last Week: 3rd
Fact: Dez Bryant. Damn he looked good before he got banged up. If he stays healthy I can easily see him being the top overall WR this year.
Fluke: Plaxico. It’s okay to rely on the big play for a flex play or a bye week replacement, but when you need that kind of luck for your WR2, you’re too thin at that position.

4. Bennett – CPP: 126.77 – Last Week: 11th
Fact: DeSean. I really hate him and would never have him on my own team, but Vick looks his way every damn time. I don’t know if Vine Young will do the same, but for now he’s a top tier receiver.
Fluke: Mendenhall. 2 points? From the Steelers starting RB? We won’t see that again this season.

5. Zacherman – CPP: 121.49 – Last Week: 2nd
Fact: Rivers. He’ll be money all year, even if Mike Tolbert is his preferred redzone target.
Fluke: Obviously Cam. An insane performance, but apparently the Cards are starting David Marks in their secondary.

6. Autodraft – CPP: 115.95 – Last Week: 14th
Fact: Calvin. That Lions offense looks legit, and Stafford loves him some Megatron.
Fluke: Welker, Tate, Steve Smith, you winning. You had the perfect week against the least respected team in the league. I can still see a 1-12 season coming your way.

7. Kumpf – CPP: 104.56 – Last Week: 4th
Fact: Jahvid Best. I still think he was the steal of the draft at $15, considering what some of you are starting at RB.
Fluke: Tolbert. 3 TD’s? Maybe. Two of them receiving? Never gonna happen again.

8. Kimmel – CPP: 93.31 – Last Week: 8th
Fact: Jets D. They may not get you 18 every week, but they are probably your best players.
Fluke: Kenny Britt. Did anyone see the missed tackle on his long TD? That defender should be thrown out of the league. Or at least be put on the Giants.

9. Joseph – CPP: 89.12 – Last Week: 6th
Fact: Rodgers. Honestly he might have under-performed because Starks and Kuhn stole some TDs. That is a hell of an offense, and you may not have overpaid that badly.
Fluke: CJ2K. With the lack of other weapons on that offense, teams can key on him, but he won’t be held under 5 again this season.

10. Gutman – CPP: 76.74 – Last Week: 10th
Fact: Vick. Under 50% completions, but still over 20 points? Sounds like an old-school Vick stat line. As long as he’s healthy he was worth the cost. Which should last another week or two.
Fluke: Ocho. As much as the media has made of his no-show on MNF, the Pats didn’t need him. I can’t see Brady lasting another week without getting Chad into the endzone.

11. AGD – CPP: 74.65 – Last Week: 1st
Fact: Turner. Even without scoring he put up double digits, in a game the Falcons were trailing the whole time. I think he’s easily a top 10 RB this year, especially when he starts finding the endzone.
Fluke: Sanchize. Don’t even think about starting him. He won’t break 300 again in his career, and he was facing the Cowboys 3rd string corners for half the game.

12. Ajay – CPP: 67.96 – Last Week: 13th
Fact: Stafford. You have a full blown QB controversy on your hands. Talk to Kimmel, he’s starting Cassel and picked up both Alex Smith and Rex Grossman this week.
Fluke: Roddy and Fitz combining for 12. I think you still need to wait before you blow up this experiment entirely.

13. Weissbard – CPP: 66.08 – Last Week: 4th
Fact: Brady. Yeah he won’t throw for over 500 every week, but I can see him seriously threatening Marino’s single season passing record, and why wouldn’t he want to crush another one of the Dolphins’ dreams?
Fluke: Vincent Jackson. He’s still option 1B behind Gates in an offense that will be scoring a ton of points this year.

14. Barnard – CPP: 64.19 – Last Week: 11th
Fact: You may not win a game this year.
Fluke: AP in single digits. He’s all they have and they should ride him into the ground. Too bad it won’t matter for you.

Sorry for the abbreviated rankings, but I had an interview and other shit to do this week, combined with Gutman’s tardiness. We’ve had two minor trades this year so far, anyone want to break down the winners and losers for the blog?