I don’t think my system has fully recovered from Nashville
yet, which either means that the trip was amazing or I’m getting too old for
this shit. Regardless, I had a great time and I’m already looking forward to
the voting for next year’s draft location. Also I love being able to look at my
roster, even if I might not remember assembling some of it. Which brings us to
Draft Grades.
This is one of my favorite posts of the year, mainly because
I can’t be wrong (yet). Last year I handed out quotes from The Hangover as a way to recap the Vegas trip, which I thoroughly
enjoyed, so I was looking to do something similar this year. After doing some
extremely brief research, it appears that the most famous movie filmed in
Nashville is The Green Mile and
that’s not exactly the mood I’m trying to set. So I decided to use country
music lyrics.
Some of you are staunchly anti-country, which I understand,
but I’ve gotten into it big time since moving to Texas. Talking to Weissbard,
he said he was embarrassed how much he liked the music when we were in
Nashville, so hopefully this list can slowly get some of you on the country
train. And if not, then you’re welcome to enjoy this scene. (Note, this
was written before the sad news about Michael Clarke Duncan last night. RIP
MCD)
Marshall, Bruno,
Lowe, Dave-O, Bader, Anson, Woods
Roll into
town, step off the bus
Shake off the where you came from dust
Grab you guitar, walk down the street
Sign says Nashville, Tennessee
But I have found
It's a crazy town, full of neon dreams
Everybody plays, everybody sings
Shake off the where you came from dust
Grab you guitar, walk down the street
Sign says Nashville, Tennessee
But I have found
It's a crazy town, full of neon dreams
Everybody plays, everybody sings
I debated
giving each of you your own lyric, but in true Fiji fashion I got lazy and
decided this was good enough. That doesn’t mean your appearance on the trip was
not appreciated. Hell, most of you are more a part of this league than New Gutman
is at this point. I hope we’ll continue to have a heavy non-league presence at
each draft, I just wish you wouldn’t almost outnumber the league members there.
Billy –
Pour me
somethin' tall and strong,
Make it a "Hurricane" before I go insane.
It's only half-past twelve but I don't care.
It's five o'clock somewhere.
Make it a "Hurricane" before I go insane.
It's only half-past twelve but I don't care.
It's five o'clock somewhere.
I have to
start with the champ. I have never seen anyone involved in literally every
bidding war in the entire auction. Even when you were priced out of players you
would try to bid through the chat window. This predictably led to the bottom of
your roster containing Plaxico Burress and someone named Andre Caldwell. I
don’t want to ridicule you too much because you do have the 2011 Chef Coat, but
maybe try drafting with a BAC less than your Auction Budget next year.
Draft Grade: B-
Best Value:
Nate Washington at $2. He was the 14th best receiver last year, and
even with Britt and Wright taking away some targets, Washington is still
startable in our league.
Worst Value:
Andre Johnson at $39. When you say you got Dre and Washington for $41 combined,
I like it, but the odds of getting a full season from your WR1 are not good.
Zacherman
Turn the
quiet up, turn the noise down
Let this ol' world just spin around
I wanna feel it sway, wanna feel it sway
And put some feel good in my soul
Drink a little drink, smoke a little smoke
Let this ol' world just spin around
I wanna feel it sway, wanna feel it sway
And put some feel good in my soul
Drink a little drink, smoke a little smoke
Is it bad
that I’m not sure if you were high for all or none of the trip? I tend to
assume you were, but we didn’t have a random drug dealer walk into our draft so
I can’t be sure. You had yourself a typical Z-Ball draft, where you’re loyal to
your guys from the year before and then pick some guys that you claim will
break out. If any of them hit, then you’re in good shape.
Draft Grade: B
Best Value:
Kendall Hunter for $1. He had some value even when Gore played last year, so
even with a crowded backfield, you may have found yourself a bargain basement
Flex play.
Worst Value:
Antonio Gates for $23. I think Gates will fall apart this year without V-Jax
taking the pressure of him. With guys like Vernon and Aaron Hernandez going for
less than half of what you paid, I think you could have used that money on a
second receiver.
AGD
Oh I wanna
see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
I’m sure
it’s tough on you guys being separated, and it’s going to be even tougher if
any of your starters get hurt. A core of Peyton/Forte/Charles/Calvin/Demaryius
is great, but you literally have nothing else.
Draft Grade: B
Best Value:
Jonathan Dwyer at $2. You guys made this tough for me because I think you paid
pretty appropriately for everyone. Dwyer might start a game or two while
Mendenhall is down, so you may have lucked out there.
Worst Value:
Mike Goodson at $2. You overpaid by two dollars.
Barnard –
Last night I
got served a little bit too much of that poison, baby
Last night I
did things I'm not proud of and I got a little crazy
Last night I
met a guy on the dance floor and I let him call me baby
And I don't even know his last name
And I don't even know his last name
My momma
would be so ashamed
It started
off, "Hey cutie, where are you from?"
And then it
turned into, "Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't
even know his last name
This song so
perfectly described your Nashville experience that when I thought of it on the
flight home I laughed out loud before immediately going back to actively trying
to not shit myself. Literally nothing about your team excites me. You didn’t
have to spend $1 on your entire bench like a lot of us, but that extra money
went to guys like Isaac Redman and Daniel Thomas, as well as an $11 backup
quarterback. Not a fan.
Draft Grade: C+
Best Value:
Donald Brown at $6. If Indy has anything resembling a competent offense, then
you got a solid RB2 for $6.
Worst Value:
Matt Schaub at $11. I’m still unsure what you were thinking here, for the price
you paid for Schaub and Big Ben, you could have just gotten a guy like Romo,
Rivers or Matt Ryan. It’s easy to see this was a bad choice after the fact, but
you’re used to regretting your decisions at this point.
Joseph
Even though
you're a million miles away
When you hear Born in the USA
You relive those glory days
So long ago
When you hear Born in the USA
You relive those glory days
So long ago
It’s tough
to assign a country lyric to you, so I’m just using this as a segue into the
fact that I’ll be at the Friday and Saturday Bruce shows in a couple of weeks. We’ll
have another enormous tailgate so if you want to gorge yourself on burgers and
pulled pork let me know. Also I love your team other than the fact that you
have no clear Flex starter.
Draft Grade: A-
Best Value:
Vincent Jackson at $16. I was so pissed that I lost his auction due to lack of
money. The guy has been a top 10 receiver for the last four years and now he’s
worth half of what AJ Green is? Josh Freeman isn’t that bad.
Kumpf
Man, if I
have one, I'll have thirteen
And they can't get me off the karaoke machine,
The more I drink...the more I drink.
Yeah, the more I drink, the more I drink, the more I drink.
And they can't get me off the karaoke machine,
The more I drink...the more I drink.
Yeah, the more I drink, the more I drink, the more I drink.
Every year I
say I won’t draft drunk, and every year I end up blacking out by the end. Also every year I end up missing the playoffs
so these things may be correlated. I think my draft was interesting in that I
drastically overpaid for Brady, Graham and Tate, but also drastically underpaid
for Mathews, Hernandez and Decker. So at the end of the day, it’s basically a
wash.
Draft Grade: B+
Best Value:
Aaron Hernandez at $8. I have ripped Donnie apart for his 2TE strategy the last
two years, but then Belichick adopted it and now it’s the thing to do. I think
Graham and Hernandez finish 1-2 at TE this year, so they are basically my
starting receivers.
Worst Value:
Brady at $68. Not only do I have to root for my least favorite player, I had to
pay out the ass for him too. But I think he’s about to go 2007 on the rest of
the league, and after the Favre/Schaub debacles the last two years, I want
guaranteed production at QB.
New Gutman –
These days
there's dudes gettin' facials
Manicured,
waxed and botoxed
With deep
spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands
You can't
grip a tackle box
I was going
to write a blurb about New Gutman’s draft, but I’m getting bottle service at
this awesome new club in Austin so I can’t be bothered with silly things like
fantasy football and friendship.
Draft Grade: F
Alan –
Alan –
You lie like
the man with the slick back hair who sold me that Ford
Well, You lie like the pine tree in the back yard after last month's storm
Well, You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes way too natural to you
The way you lie
Well, You lie like the pine tree in the back yard after last month's storm
Well, You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes way too natural to you
The way you lie
To be
honest, Alan wasn’t too much of a liar on this trip. Maybe His Alexis is making
him a more honest person, but I still know the real Alan. And the real Alan is
an endearingly compulsive liar. One of the highlights of my trip was when
Barnard pointed out that somehow Alan had spent his entire budget on six
players, yet his team wasn’t even that good. It’s going to be an interesting
year for the recipient of the 2009 Chef Coat.
Draft Grade: D
Best Value:
I guess CJ Spiller at $8? There really isn’t much to work with here.
Worst Value:
Wes Welker at $37. I have no idea how this happened. Maybe you were using PPR
rankings or something. Also, you paid more for Stafford than Bennett paid for
Brees. Fuck it, let’s discuss him next.
Bennett
If it clouds up in the city, the weather man complains
But where I come from, rain is a good thing
Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey
Whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky
If it clouds up in the city, the weather man complains
But where I come from, rain is a good thing
Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey
Whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky
Country
lyrics were hard to come by for you as well. There’s really no songs about
ridiculously terrible team names or immediately upping the price from $20 to
$30 for your backup QB who you will inevitably want to start over Brees. So I
had to settle for a song that mentions your worthless profession.
Draft Grade: D+
Best Value:
Kenny Britt at $7. With just a one-game suspension, Britt represents amazing
value. But at the time I’m sure you had no clue he was even about to be
suspended so I give you no credit for this pick.
Worst Value:
Michael Vick at $30. I would like a 500-word essay describing what was going
through your mind when you made this bid. I’ve tried to rationalize it for the
last week, and I just can’t figure out what the fuck you were thinking. This is
literally the worst pick in the history of fantasy football.
Donnie
Back when a
hoe was a hoe
Coke was a coke
And crack's what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I'm down with that
Well it meant you had the flu
I miss back when
Coke was a coke
And crack's what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I'm down with that
Well it meant you had the flu
I miss back when
The Donimal
does seem to wish that he lives in a simpler time, but I mainly gave him this
quote because it’s sung by Donnie Billingsley’s father, good old Tim “I don’t
listen to his music, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that” McGraw.
Patrick’s first actual FALAFEL draft was eventful, with him nabbing the
consensus #1 overall player, as well as accidentally bidding for Larry
Fitzgerald. If he had a legit QB, I’d be higher on his prospects.
Draft Grade: C
Best Value:
Vernon Davis at $11. Donnie is employed his usual 2TE strategy, so nabbing
Vernon for this cheap was huge.
Worst Value:
Robert Meachem for $10. Fitz was a dollar cheaper than Roddy White, so I don’t
think you overpaid there. Meachem has never been consistently worth starting,
and while that might change in San Diego, $10 is a little pricy to find out.
Ajay
That's
something that just don't happen twice
This is
self-explanatory. As for your team, I’m a big fan. Other than your two fragile
RBs and no real bench depth, I think this is as good a draft as anyone had. I
just wish you were actually in Nashville so you would’ve been a little drunker.
Draft Grade: A-
Best Value:
Quizz Rodgers at $3. You were another team that paid pretty accurately for your
starters, making this part tough on me. Some people are high on Quizz this
year. I’m not one of them but it’s still good value.
Worst Value:
Reggie Bush for $24. I just can’t see him staying healthy for 16 games when
defenses have to decide, “Do we put 3 guys on Reggie or worry about Legadu
Naanee?”
Kimmel
I ain't here
for a long time…I'm here for a good time
So bring on the sunshine to hell with the red wine
Pour me some moonshine
So bring on the sunshine to hell with the red wine
Pour me some moonshine
In true
Kimmel fashion, we saw him at the draft and that’s about it. And it may not
sound as funny as it was, but seeing Kimmel and his bald spot peddling along
Broadway in a mobile bar was just about the best thing any of us have ever
seen. Shifting gears entirely, your roster is absurd. You spent 94% of your
budget on 4 players, one of which is on the Browns and currently injured. I
can’t even tell who you’re planning on starting at WR from week-to-week. Your
playoff-less streak should continue this year.
Draft Grade: D
Best Value:
N/A. There is literally no one you have that I would consider a value.
Worst Value:
Trent Richardson at $34. Remember that time Mark Ingram was the top rookie RB,
went to a high-powered offense and then was useless in fantasy? Well this is
the same thing, just with a shitty offense.
Esco
God is
great, beer is good, and people are crazy
Religious
views aside, beer is good and when Esco, Alan and I are together, people are
most definitely crazy. We may not have had our Riviera experience, but we still
encountered some weird local flavor while waiting for everyone else to arrive.
Whether it was the cab driver ripping his sun visor off the car, a girl farting
in the elevator, or the waitress at the BBQ place just straight bouncing on us mid-sentence,
it’s always an experience I won’t forget. Esco has is predictable deep team,
but he can only start 3 of his 4 WRs, and he’s relying a bit too much on RGIII
and Cutler for my taste. Should be an interesting team to watch.
Draft Grade: B
Best Value:
Dwayne Bowe at $17. The only issue is that you already had Wallace, Jordy and
Colston. I see a trade in your future.
Worst Value:
Mike Wallace at $37. I know he’s your boy, but he will likely start slow after
missing the entire preseason, and with the depth you added at WR anyway, some
of that money could have been spent at QB or TE.
Weissbard
It ain't hip
to sing about tractors, trucks
Little towns
and mama
Yeah that
might be true
But this is
country music and we do
This might
be a cop out lyric, but I’ve been going on for close to 3,000 words so we need
to wrap this up. Upon further review, I want to change my vote for best team
name from Alan to you because I just love seeing the word “Shahiarrhea.” I
think we can incorporate this into common terminology like we did with
Schukkening someone. Along with your team name, I think you had an excellent
draft. You held your money for awhile, but ended up with a very solid squad and
didn’t overpay for really anyone. Well done.
Draft Grade: A
Best Value:
Either Beanie Wells for $11 or Ryan Williams for $5. One of them is going to be
the clear starter in AZ by Week 4, and you own both of them for $16 total.
Worst Value:
Martellus Bennett for $3. Not only do you have to start “M. Bennett” every
week, but you assembled a little too much depth at RB instead of putting a few
extra bucks into TE and grabbing someone like Vernon.
GPA Recap:
Weissbard: A
Ajay: A-
Joseph: A-
Kumpf: B+
AGD: B
Esco: B
Zacherman: B
Billy: B-
Barnard: C+
Donnie: C
Bennett: D+
Alan: D
Kimmel: D
New Gutman:
F
The first CPP rankings of the season come out next Thursday.
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