Down goes Joseph! And there will be no undefeated season
once again in 2012. Looking at the standings, I noticed a few things:
1.
Our new Commissioner is taking after our
deadbeat ex-Commissioner, and has still not named the divisions.
2.
Division 1, with Ajay, Esco, New Gutman, Barnard
and myself is a pretty stacked division.
3.
Division 2, with Kimmel, Donnie, Alan and Billy
is a pretty shitty division, despite having the only 3 Stevens Bowl champs.
4.
Our divisions are meaningless.
5.
We should make them meaningful.
While I realize that we can’t make any changes during the
season, here is what I propose for next year, which can be discussed at Winter
Meetings:
Three divisions, with a 5/5/4 setup like we have now, but
each division winner makes the playoffs and then the next three best teams by
record make it regardless of division. The schedule will not be weighted
towards the divisions, this will just go for playoff consideration. But how
will we determine the divisions? I’m glad you asked.
At some point during the offseason, before the draft but not
during FALAFEL Draft Location Madness, we have a Division Draft, picked by the
Stevens Bowl Champion, the Stevens Bowl Runner-Up, and the Consolation Game
(Rodgers Bowl?) Champion. The Stevens
Bowl Champ gets to choose between being in the 4-team division and having 3rd
pick in each round, or being in a 5-team division and having 1st
pick in each round. Then we have a fixed order draft to pick the divisions.
My idea can be tweaked but this adds one more draft to the
year, gets our divisions named (by their captains), and is based solely on the
lack of mutual respect we have for each other. Who would be first pick? Kimmel
has never made the playoffs (neither have I), Bennett lost 13 straight games
over two years, Barnard has some of the lowest scores in fantasy football
history, Billy is constantly wasted and current has a Free Agent kicker on his
roster… I’m getting excited just thinking about this.
I’m open to any suggestions about this, but I at least want
it on the agenda for Winter Meetings. All I’m saying is
think about it.
Week 6 Rankings
1. Joseph – CPP: 188.13, Last Week: 1st
Your first loss didn’t knock you off the top spot, but it did
narrow the gap considerably between you and me. Honestly, the biggest reason
you lost is that the Bears D, and their TDs, were on a bye. Getting over 20
points from your defense three weeks in a row is insane, but it isn’t reliable
even if they are the best D in the league. When you lose Rice and Lynch to byes
later in the season you’ll be hard pressed to win, so you need to take care of
business when they’re in your lineup if you want to lock down a playoff bye.
2. Kumpf – CPP: 186.72, Last Week: 2nd
Four games decided by less than 5 points means I could
easily be 2-4. It also means I could easily be 6-0. The schedule gods were nice
to me this week, as I get AGD when Peyton, Demaryius and Jamaal are all on a
bye. If I can’t win this one, even without Shady, then I don’t deserve the top
spot in these or any rankings.
3. New Gutman – CPP: 186.65, Last Week: 4th
Another close game for you as well, and I know you’re
terrified of waking up Friday and seeing a stat change. Even though I think you
deserve absolutely no karma this year, Decker did trip and fall on his way to
an easy TD, so you should have won handily. With Decker on a bye and Jenning
still banged up, you may have to choose between Chaz, Aldrick and Domenik as
your starting receivers. Ew.
4. Esco – CPP: 174.58, Last Week: 6th
It took balls to start RG3 last week, but it certainly paid
off and you wouldn’t have won without him. But that might not have even been
your best move, as you had the patience to keep Felix Jones on your roster all
season as nothing more than a handcuff. I can guarantee that everyone quickly
ran to our free agent list looking for Jones, only to be pissed to find out he
was already owned. Well everyone except Billy, who drunkenly tried to pick up
Emmitt Smith.
5. AGD – CPP: 171.82, Last Week: 5th
There should be no way in hell that you can compete with me
this week, without your three best players so far, and a tough matchup for your
fourth. So why am I so nervous? You’ve managed to acquire pretty decent depth
despite limited waiver wire moves, and your top three active players all play
on MNF, which will scare the shit out of me. I see another close matchup for my
squad this week.
6. Ajay – CPP: 160.28, Last Week: 3rd
You’re sitting nicely at 5-1, but slowly moving down these
rankings, and this week you lose Matty Ice, Julio and Reggie to byes. Not only
that, but Nicks is back to steal redzone targets from Cruz, Amendola is out a
couple of months, and the Vikings appear scared to use AP near the goalline.
Could this be the beginning of a collapse for last year’s runner-up? I doubt
that, but you no longer are a front-runner for a bye in my book.
7. Bennett – CPP: 156.11, Last Week: 10th
Your improbable rise is due to some stellar
performances by your personal Gang
Green(e), which I’m sure will be your next team name. The problem with relying
on players like Shonn Greene and Brian Hartline is that they’re just not very
good, so they might give you 30 point games one week, and then disappear for
two months. To make any noise this year, you’ll need Brees and AJ to carry you,
as a down week from either of them all but guarantees a loss. Not a position I’d like to
be in, but it could be a lot worse.
8. Weissbard – CPP: 150.61, Last Week: 7th
Usually injuries hit all teams pretty evenly, but you are
getting by far the worst of it this year. You have to assume that things will
even out over the course of the season, but at 1-5, you don’t really have the
luxury of the long view. You need wins now. Lucky for you, the G-Men get the
Skins’ porous defense, so you might have a fighting chance against New Gutman.
9. Zacherman – CPP: 146.19, Last Week: 9th
You got 30 from Jordy, 20 from Gates and 18 from Bradshaw
last week. And that’s it. If it didn’t happen to be Cam’s bye week and you
didn’t happen to be playing Kimmel, you could easily be over .500 right now.
Even so, the trade with Esco has put you in view of the playoffs, and your
roster is deeper than most. You get the chance to see who really won that trade
this week, in a pivotal Week 7 matchup with the Commish.
10. Kimmel – CPP: 146.01, Last Week: 11th
I didn’t think you had it in you, but a solid Week 7 should
put you in the top 10, and you’re currently leading Division Three, for
whatever that’s worth. Ironically enough for a team with Aaron Rodgers, the
thing that will hurt your team most is the return of Greg Jennings, as it will
basically render James Jones as useless as the rest of your receivers. Sitting
at 3-3 right now, a trade for a receiver might put you in a position to make
the playoffs, and everyone needs RBs, so you need a trade more than anyone else
in this league.
11. Alan – CPP: 143.48, Last Week: 8th
Your team’s performance last week was very similar to your
new team name: It doesn’t illicit much of a reaction, it’s a sad attempt at a
comeback, and it has a weird space in the middle. At this point in the season,
I’d say a 0-6 team is out, a 1-5 team has to win every week, and a 2-4 team can
only afford one bye-related fuck-up. You still haven’t had the byes for Gore,
Spiller or Torrey, yet this week you’re starting Jeremy Kerley. I don’t like
the 2012 outlook for the first ever FALAFEL champ.
12. Barnard – CPP: 127.32, Last Week: 13th
Despite that abomination of a trade a couple weeks ago, your
starting lineup is actually extremely solid. It doesn’t strike me as a
championship lineup, but it is probably a playoff lineup. Your only really
tough matchups the rest of the way are against Ajay and Nick, so you could
conceivably end up 8-5. However if even one of your guys goes down with an
injury, you’ll likely lose out. No pressure or anything.
13. Donnie – CPP: 111.64, Last Week: 12th
You’re currently leaving 19.43 points on your bench per game,
which is 12 points worse than New Gutman, who has set the best lineups this
year. This is mainly due to the clusterfucks at RB in Carolina and at WR in San
Diego, which you somehow have every member of. I don’t think that amount of
inconsistency will lead to a playoff run, but you have a chance to win every
week…
14. Billy – CPP: 87.60, Last Week: 14th
…which is more than I can say for you Billy. Despite
drafting drunk, I feel like your team isn’t all that bad. You’re basically
solid everywhere but WR2 and TE, and even there you have serviceable players.
Only God knows why Billy Cundiff is on your roster, but nothing else there
screams 0-6 to me. The worst part about it is that you haven’t even been in the
top 7 in scoring for any week, so you’re a legit 0-6. It might be time to start
thinking about next year, as you’re in line for the earliest ever consolation
prize.
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