Week 8 Write-Up: Alan

So it was inevitable that with my team, after fractured hips and child abuse allegations, I would be up for the lowest score. I decided to surprisingly follow Levine's approach on the write-up and look at how everyone's draft went now that we are 8 weeks into the season. While there were a ton of injuries and trades that occurred, I just looked at those players who were active and what they averaged per game vs. what people actually paid for them. I also excluded kickers and defenses b/c that shit is just crazy:

1. Barnard - Sitting on top of FALAFEL finally, after 6 years of .500 records and witty yet secretly insecure emails. I bet this has been the most memorable period in your life, even more than the time you got engaged to your soon to be wife. This is all due to the fact you got Rivers for $4 and he has been averaging 20.7 pts/game for you. He's got his bye coming up in wk 10 but you've got that playoff spot pretty much locked up. Your worst pick that you still have is Gore (8 pts/game) and that's not terrible considering what else is being thrown out there so touche Barnard, touche 

2. Weiss - We had our beef not too long ago Weissbard but I gotta admit, your new name says it all..Everything is Coming up Weiss. You've been going on dates, you're recharging your mitzvah next month, and your team leads the league in points scored. You had a few solid picks based on draft value but I'd say Bradshaw has really carried you averaging 13.4 points/game and you got him for $5. 

3. Rob Woods Giant Cock - You've gotten some lucky wins so far this year considering the fact you spent $71 on Lacy and he's averaging 10.7 points/game for you. There are 6 other rbs you could have gotten for less than that who have played 8 games so far this yr and averaged more than that that. You're bright spot so far was Gates until you traded him last week. He's highest in scoring amongst all TEs ( 13.7 pts/game) and you got him for $2

4. Levine - I'm pretty sure Levine actually didn't drink all those fireball shots before the draft b/c he was sober enough to find great value with his $200. You've got Demarco ($50) carrying you at 20.2 pts/game and Foster ($53) throwing in 17.9. As long as those 2 stay healthy the rest of the year which is a big if, you are in good shape. You really do have a future in accounting man. You're going bald, you're Jewish, and you can do a lot with $200.

5. Big Nutz Black Dick - Still not sure who's actually running this team. Lutz is either on a rig or wasted and Marshall is busy telling hour long stories about that time when he almost got involved in a 3some (the story gets better every time Marshall). Charles (13.3 pts/game) and Jeffery (9.6) have been underwhelming for you so far this year as you spent $105 on those 2 players combined but I see things turning around for them in the 2nd half. 

6. Me - Not much to say here. Luck literally carried me for most of the year at 25 pts/game ($20). Now that he's gone, it's probably only downhill from here. 

7. Ajay Ajay - You got Sanders for $18 and he's the 6th highest WR at 12.8 points/game. Also, you're $32 for Gronk has turned out to be solid value considering he's picked it up the last couple games and is now averaging 12.2 points/game. Us Brown people always end up getting fucked though so I don't see you making the playoffs unfortunately.

8. Bennett - I don't feel like doing this one.

9. Gut - Your unluckiness has been overshadowed by your terrible trades. Also, spending $41 on Rodgers wasn't ideal. While he's averaging 21.4 pts/game for you, there were 3 other QBS averaging more than 20 points/game that you could have gotten for a lot less than $41. Also, you had Palmer averaging 19 points/game when his shoulder wasn't dead. Maybe you could have traded Rodgers for a Palmer fill in while he was hurt and some depth which you could have used. On top of that, you had Kelvin Benjamin for $4 and hes averaging 10.6 points/game and traded him away. 

10. Donnie - You spent $58 on Megatron for a whopping 9.4 points/game before sending him away to AGD. Also, looks like you drafted Hillman at some point for $1. Can't blame you for dropping him however. Also, I love you Donnie but I think it's absurd that you never paid dues and no one has called you out on that for the past 2 years.

11. Mind of the Married Man - Really? You still never changed this? Are you busy painting the porch outside? You've withdrawn yourself from the league for more important matters which I understand. You are getting paid for actually writing about Fantasy Football after all. You had interesting strategy of going after stud WRs by shelling out $110 for 3 of them. I wouldn't say it's necessarily paid off with your 2-6 record but you are ranked 6th in the league in scoring. Demaryius is 2nd amongst WRs (16.4) in scoring so I would say you're $47 there was well spent although Antonio Brown is averaging slightly more points/game and he was $10 cheaper. Julio at 11.2 points/game has been underwhelming so far to say the least and you could have gotten 5 other guys who have averaged more over 8 games for less money. 

I just wanted to get up to Kumpf and this has been more of a pain in the ass as I thought so here are the last 3 

12. Nick - Best value - Antonio Brown: 16.7 points/game at $37. 

               Worst value - McCoy: 9 points/game at $79

13. Esco - worst value - this is obvious --> Stacy at 5.9 points/game for $45

14. Z Dawg - best value - Chris Ivory with 11 points/game for $3

                   worst value - CJ?K with 5.5 points/game for $25

Finally, I wanted to take this time to announce my retirement from FALAFEL year end. I've spent way too much time this past year and the game has lost it's charm. I'm ready for the next chapter. 

Alan AKA the Artist Formally Known as Muffin