Week 3 Write-Up: Esco

For those of you who don’t know, yesterday was Rosh Hashanah aka the Jewish New Year so because of that I shall be giving each of your teams a Jewish food that represents it.

1.       Barnard

I can’t believe it’s Week 3 and Barnard is still in first place. This team reminds me of Brisket, always one of the best options at any Jewish meal, it’s also one of the least complex foods on the table. You only get one note of flavor but damn it’s a good one. AJ Green, Marshawn and Rivers have carried so far with their flavor profile but just like you can’t sit down and eat only brisket 7 days a week, if this team doesn’t see some balancing soon I see it crashing back to earth.

2.       AGD

Katz’s Pastrami with an extra side of pickles: there is really nothing I hate about this team, it’s got the meaty center (Gio and Lacy) who should get even better as the season progresses, the tangy mustard for contrast (Garcon, Crabtree, Wallace) and even a little burst of flavor from the pickles on the side every once and a while (Gates and Wilson). Other than the small dilemma of having both tight ends on the same team this is a team I can enjoy every week.

3.       Alan

How the fuck is this team the 3^rd seed currently. Somehow Luck is the top ranked QB and Rashad Jennings is the number 5 RB but I’m a firm believer the rest of this team is trash. It’s just like Blintzes, if you eat just one (Luck) or two (Jennings) blintzes they taste great especially with a little jam in there, and maybe you could stomach a third (Floyd) but after that, if you try to keep shoveling blintzes down your throat you are going to vomit everywhere.

4.       Kumpf

This team is hot hot hot. Despite Demaryius’s struggles, Bell is the number 3 RB, Ryan is the number 2 QB, somehow Terrence West and Fjax are top 20 RBs and Ertz is a top 8 tight end. Everyone here has been over performing the entire season. If everyone keeps this up, this is a powerful team. But I’m not sure I see it, just like Latkes this is a team that is incredible when hot but inedible 2 minutes later once they cool down. There is a lot of boom/bust potential on this team, Ryan, West, Hunter, Fjax, Ertz, (I could go on), and once a few of them get cold sure you could shovel a ton of apple sauce or sour cream on em but I don’t see it being enjoyable.  Let’s see if you can keep your Latkes warm all year.

5.       Nick

This was my hardest team to define. I can’t really get a read on whether I like this team or I’m just ambivalent about it. QB is a glaring hole that I don’t think you can ignore and still be a title contender so there may be some trades on the horizon. But as your team stands now it’s like a bagel with Lox and cream cheese, sometimes delicious sure but with great variation in the level of sandwich quality. Antonio Brown and Jeremy Maclin have been terrific so far but with Big Ben, LeSean McCoy and Roddy White struggling I think there are big question marks in what sandwich you will be getting from week to week. One week it might be Murray’s and the next might be Dunkin Donuts…

6.       Levine

For some reason Chopped Liver always gets a bad shake. The phase “What am I, Chopped Liver?” signifies frustration or anger at being ignored on a social level (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chopped_liver#Chopped_liver_as_an_expression) which is ridiculous. Chopped liver on toast is incredible. Everyone should go to The Spotted Pig in nyc and get the chopped liver followed up with the burger you won’t regret it. Anyway Levine has already had to shake off an entire year of being called Kimmel and 5 shots of Fireball before the draft so he hasn’t had the easiest road. But this team has potential and Demarco Murray could easily be top runningback at the end of the season IF he stays healthy. But that’s the big issue here; the team has nothing on the bench worth discussing and half the starting lineup is already banged up so there are still a lot of question marks this early in the year.

7.       Esco

I decided to go without any super stars on my team and parlayed that into serious running back depth after the draft. Now that I’ve traded away some of that depth to balance my starting lineup I would say I still don’t have any major strengths outside TE but hopefully I have also shored up my weaknesses. Challah is the same way, delicious and easy to over eat but no one characteristic that describes why it’s so outstanding.

8.       Bennett

Apples & Honey is the most boring celebratory food you could possibly have. They apparently symbolize a “sweet new year” but that just sounds like someone got lazy along the way and had to throw something out there and hoped no one would complain. Nothing particularly excites or upsets me about this team. I would say you have a decent shot of making the playoffs but not much chance after that.

9.       BAM

Matzo Ball Soup is a combination of a weird spongey greyish blob of matzo brie and plain old chicken broth and yet somehow when you put em together they taste amazing. If everyone on your team was healthy we would probably be saying the same thing about your team now. But just like Matzo Ball Soup you team has no depth so your struggles are pronounced. You rode that lack of depth all the way to the finals last year so I can’t knock your strategy but unless your team gets healthy in a hurry this could be a long season for BAM.

10.   Weissbard

Literally every time I see “Alan Masand: Human Toad” I laugh out loud so props to you for convincing my coworkers that I’m probably going insane. Anyway this team is totally unpredictable like every weissbard team ever but right now everyone is healthy and playing well so it’s bizarre to see you this far down when you have 6 players in the top ten of their respective positions. Just like Matzo you hide this team’s true nature and slather it with cream cheese or pretend it’s a pizza but inside we all know the truth, despite the outward appearance of a decent team I just don’t see much here.

11.   Ajay

Looking at this team, I’m shocked it’s in 11^th place. I like a lot of players here and the bench is very strong. Maybe it’s been bad matchups or injuries but I see this team as very underrated. Just like hamantaschen, one of the best Jewish desserts banished to a relatively unknown holiday that no one really cares about (Purim) and never served outside of that time of year. I would eat apricot hamantaschen at any holiday and a lot of the other flavors are just as strong. Don’t sleep on this team just because of its current seeding, I think we will have a very different picture in a few weeks.

12.   Donny

Babka doesn’t really relate to your team or anything really, it’s just delicious tasting pastry in a loaf form. But it does have the best readymade TV reference of any of the foods on this list so enjoy this classic Seinfeld scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i78azsi7M94. As for your team, you went heavy on the big stars and they have performed well but some roster management issues have cost you. Also I think it’s time to let Odell Beckham go, when a guy hasn’t even suited up all season it’s time to say see ya later.

13.   Gutman

According to Wikipedia, Gefilte Fish is “an Ashkenazi Jewish dish made from a poached mixture of ground boned fish, such as carp, whitefish or pike, which is typically eaten as an appetizer” Disgusting. I know some people out there are big fans of it but they are few and far between. Just like fans of Team Gutman. I don’t think the trades he made were bad and he still has the shell of Aaron Rodgers on his team but overall this team is tough to swallow let alone look at. Let’s move on before we get sick.

14.   Zacherman

Maror also known as “the bitter herb” is a part of the Passover Seder and also makes for an easy weed reference. It represents your team’s struggles so far this year very well. Between having too many jets runningbacks, the wrong Denver wide receiver, injuries across the board and a bad start from Drew Brees this hasn’t been the tastiest start for you. If Drew can get back on track and your WRs improve enough so that you can start dealing them for RBs maybe your team can rise up from the bottom but it will be a difficult road for team Zacherman.