(Teams are ranked based on points scored in the regular season, which, if you haven't noticed, has an extremely strong correlation with CPP. Also, I haven't kept up my CPP spreadsheet this year, and ranking teams by wins just seems like a waste of time)
1. AGD - 1374.5 Points Scored
Congrats to you guys on an impressive season where you had the best record, most overall points, and won the Stevens Bowl. On top of all that, you eliminated Barnard in the most heartbreaking way possible, which had to give you extra karma points heading into the Stevens Bowl. I still can't get over the fact that you started Shonn Greene with the Chef Coat on the line, but it somehow paid off. During the season, you had big-name trades that landed you Calvin and Graham, but neither of them actually panned out as well as you guys probably hoped, especially in the playoffs. The aforementioned Hill for Kearse trade, as well as Russell Wilson's absurd play, won you your first coat, which I'm sure wasn't your gameplan after the draft.
Speaking of our trophy, I assume we're all in agreement that despite having co-owners as champs, they only get one coat. Outside of the obvious $2 per person price increase, it will be extremely entertaining to watch these two draft while both wearing the coat next year.
And before moving on from the champs, while I was updating the FALAFEL record books, I realized that in the 6 years that this league has been in its post-Cortesian form, we've had 6 different champs. But that doesn't necessarily mean we've had parity. If we consider Lutz-owned teams to be the same, we've only had 7 different teams make it to the Stevens Bowl, as 4 of our 6 champs have lost a different Stevens Bowl. Another fun fact: Stevens Bowl champs make up 6 of the top 8 spots in our historical winning percentages. The only two top 8 teams to not win (or even make) a Stevens Bowl are Joseph and Barnard. And in "one of these things is not like the other" news, Alan has by far the lowest career winning percentage from a Stevens Bowl champ.
Alright, enough of that.
2. Levine - 1335.7 Points Scored
Talk about a turnaround. In his inaugural year, the Kimmel stink had Levine below the dreaded Long-Line (.346 winning percentage), but he rattled off an impressive sophomore year that saw him come within 22 points of getting a Chef Coat. Outside of a nice draft that gave you Brady, Murray and Foster, trades are what really put you over the top. The only thing that makes me feel better about the Jeremy Hill trade is that Nick gave you Antonio Brown and Jesus Chr... Odell Beckham in the same trade. It wasn't quite a raping, but it sure looks good for you in hindsight. Your other trades, while not as spectacular, were all strategic and defensible, which is all you can really ask for. Even though you fell short this year, you have my respect as a fantasy owner, something that Barnard would sacrifice his friendship to Alan to attain.
3. Weissbard - 1305.1 Points Scored
I look at your team and I don't see how you had the third most points. Julius obviously helped you early on, but you cut bait on him at about the right time, and the Luck upgrade proved to be huge. I'd say that your record was lucky because you faced the easiest schedule in the league, but the scoreboard don't lie. I'm not sure if it was starting the right players at the right time, or if it was just a weird year, but history has told us that you're more like the team that couldn't hit 65 points in consecutive playoff games than the one who broke 130 points twice. I'm calling for some Weissbard regression in 2015.
4. Gutman - 1278.3 Points Scored
I was obviously not paying as close of attention as usual this year, but I feel like Gutman's team was never a serious threat to win it all. The big trade with Esco early in the season combined with the Justin Forsett bid gave you your most successful campaign since our inaugural season, so that's nice. It didn't backfire like I thought it would, but giving up both Titans RBs for Malcom Floyd is still a dumb decision. But really I can't complain about a roster that ends with top 25 contributors at every position. A lot of them shat the bed in your first round loss, but you made it there and that's better than life has been for you since you were still being called the Prez.
5. Barnard - 1247.3 Points Scored
While it likely would have made me happier to see you not even make the playoffs after your hot start, losing by 2 yards in garbage time was a nice consolation prize. I honestly liked the way you handled your season from start to finish, other than dropping Romo of course. You got a little bit lucky on the Golden Tate/Tre Mason trades panning out as well as they did, but I can't complain about buying low on Gordon/Trent while selling high on Steve Smith after you banked a few wins. If it's any consolation, if you had beaten AGD, and updated your roster for the Stevens Bowl, you would have beaten Levine. So you have that to think about all year.
6. Kumpf - 1226.4 Points Scored
You've already read my sob story about ridiculous losses, so I won't bore you with those again. But I will point out that my team averaged over 110 points per game in the playoff weeks without me updating my roster. It's going to take awhile to get over this season.
7. Ajay - 1225.9 Points Scored
It was a pretty quiet year for Ajay, who finished the year with one of the better rosters in our league. Giving up Golden Tate early on ended up hurting more than you would have thought, but you used Floyd to eventually pull in Dez, so I'd call that a break-even at worst. It seems like Ajay's issue was that, outside of an absurd Week 10, his players never really had good weeks at the same time. Some years just turn out that way, but it doesn't mean you need to go back to the drawing board.
8. BAM - 1201.4 Points Scored
This was the team to out-perform their point total by the most in 2014, somehow pulling an 8-5 record from the 8th most points. All of this despite an abject unwillingness to make any trades at all, which you would think would have the opposite effect on their karma. Looking at their roster, they honestly just drafted pretty well for the second year in a row. Not as dominant as their two-headed RB monster from last year, but there are no glaring holes on that team. Draft skill has proven difficult to repeat year-after-year, so 2015 may need to be the year that these two actually have to make a trade to continue their run of playoff appearances.
9. Joseph - 1143.0 Points Scored
With this point total, he shouldn't really have been a Tannehill completion away from a playoff spot, but it was a weird year. In terms of trades, the Tre Mason move backfired immediately, but likely wouldn't have affected the playoffs. The other trade may well have torpedoed Nick's chances. Trading away ODB and Antonio Brown, likely two of the top five WRs drafted next season, while only recouping two lesser (albeit solid) receivers and a lotto ticket at RB doesn't make a lot of sense. Desperation aside, unless he thought Sankey was on the verge of a breakout, this trade kept our Commish home in December, watching ODB's brilliance from afar.
10. Bennett - 1139.6 Points Scored
On Halloween, Bennett traded Mike Evans, Larry Fitzgerald and Joseph Randle to Levine for Andrew Hawkins, Jonas Gray and Shonn Greene. The next week, Gray scored 44.1 points on Bennett's bench. That pretty much sums up his season right there. Bennett actually had some good pickups with Romo and Sanu, and he won Week 11 without Gray anyway, but none of that was enough to overcome the general mediocrity that is his team and his life.
11. Alan - 1037.5 Points Scored
The fact that Alan isn't in the bottom three after losing AP after Week 1, and generally fielding a worse roster than the Knicks right now, is honestly impressive. His final roster didn't even pull in $100 in the draft, and they only break $50 because Weissbard for some reason though Montee Ball was good at football. Alan made some good moves in giving up Luck and Julius Thomas for some depth in separate trades, but I can't ever be a fan of trading away Dez for Michael Floyd and Matt Asiata. Regardless, you kept fighting Alan, finishing above the three pathetic souls I'm about to discuss, and you should be proud of that. That and what is by far the best Christmas Card I've ever received.
12. Esco - 1025.1 Points Scored
A wise man once said, "If you ain't first, you're last." Esco took that literally this year, going from Stevens Bowl Champ to ripping 7 shots an hour before next year's draft (Luke Lill Champ? We need a name for this honor.). I tend to trust Esco's strategy during the draft, but this year he came away with more depth than usual, and no one who could really carry his team if he needed it. Some years, that's good enough, but this was not that year. To his credit, Esco was pretty active early-on in the trade market (and would have been higher than 12th in old-school CPP), but the best player he brought onto his team was a choice between Mark Ingram, an banged-up Jimmy Graham and Kelvin Benjamin. Not exactly the 2014 All-Pro Team. Like Ajay, I think you got some bad luck this year, but that doesn't mean you should change your draft approach. You know, other than being 7-deep next year.
13. Zacherman - 1024.1 Points Scored
Ending the season at 5-8, with the second least points scored, and three Jets on your roster is pretty depressing, but why didn't you make a trade? In this league, when you start 0-3, it's almost mandatory to make some sort of move, yet you did nothing. That's my biggest complaint with your season. There's nothing you can do about Brees, Desean, Percy and VJax underachieving in the same season, but flipping two of them for some depth would have made sense. Also, since your Stevens Bowl loss, you've gone 6-7 and then three straight years of 5-8, and if you remove your 12-1 season, you have the lowest winning percentage of anyone not named Long or Kimmel. We have a darkhorse for the first pick in the division draft next year!
14. Donaldson - 1004.8 Points Scored
Donny very nearly missed the 1000 point mark on the season, which is sad in an of itself, but I also remember leaving the draft thinking he had one of the strongest teams. The combination of Peyton and Calvin could easily have averaged over 40 points per game, and the supporting cast was good enough to think that Donny was in store for a return to the playoffs. Alas, it was not to be. Injuries and subpar play from pretty much everyone besides and eventually including Peyton derailed this season before it could even get started. Next year might be different though. Prior to this season, Donny had only one season below .500, and even after a 4-9 record, he remains in the top 5 by overall record.
That covers everyone, but before I go, I want to include an excerpt from an email I received from our eventual Champs during the week leading up to the Stevens Bowl:
"Although I'm a few months late, I realize I never congratulated you on being a married man. Me and Reap are very proud of your accomplishments and maturity. It seems like just yesterday you were one with the mold in the crowsnest. Thank you for humbling insults of our questionable flex start...we know as the next generation of FIJI FALAFEL, we bring an exciting vitality to the league that intimidates some older members (there comes a time where the great Tom Brady must step down for Russell Wilson).
While reminiscing about the league last night, and what FALAFEL & FIJI means to us, we reflected on your vital role in shaping what this league stands for today. Your e-mail and analysis, your passion and seemingly endless amount of time to write about nothing in the most entertaining way possible, gave a new meaning and value to that chefs coat.
You see Kevin, you have a talent. While you may think people watch your power hour videos just to get fucked up, those videos were so powerful because your true essence shined through: everyone felt your passion and hours of craft that went into something completely asinine, but APPRECIATED that dedication."
While the purpose of this email was an unabashed request for a season recap, I appreciated the sentiment. I'd like to think that I have cornered the market on providing meaningless entertainment to everyone I come across. So even though the first request was denied at the time (and hopefully this post suffices), I am more than happy to grant the secondary request that came later in the email. Without further ado...
Congrats again to AGD, and we're only 2 months away from the Fourth Annual Draft Location Madness!
See y'all in what promises to be a much more active 2015 for me in this hallowed league.
See y'all in what promises to be a much more active 2015 for me in this hallowed league.
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