1) Barnard (5-0, 526 points)
Your squad answered any questions as to its legitimacy as the #1 team in the league this week by shattering the previous season high score. Your TE/Def/K alone would have beaten me. Heading into the stretch run, especially after adding Josh Gordon, you will be the clear favorite and will only be denied a chef coat with a Josephian playoff collapse. More importantly, your contributions to this league have long been overlooked and, stunningly, even derided. You've been unfairly called, among other things, stupid, effeminate and thoroughly unfunny. However I want you to know how important you've been to my enjoyment of fantasy football over the years. Whether intentional or not (a meaningless distinction really), you bring laughter to my life. Your emails are often quite clever and your commentary on world and league events quite deft. The lack of credit you receive for your wit, no doubt a product of the league's unfair but seemingly universal disrespect for you as a human, is a true travesty. I urge you to continue being yourself and not to conform to some people's, or even the overwhelming majority of people's, conception of "normal."
2) Beezle (3-2, 520 points)
How could I get through my day without your numerous, dare I say constant gchats? You share my love for taking pleasure in the suffering of others, yet deep down you have a steadfast moral compass that obliges loyalty to those most important to you. I know that, despite your Muffin-imposed team name, you could easily have any young lady you want were it not for your deep respect for women that compels you to wait until you find your soulmate. Your team is a thing of beauty, even if it may not prove to be a model of consistency. When your running back corps is back at full health, you will be a force to be reckoned with. Plus you have a guy named Storm.
3) Muffin (4-1, 452 points)
You've made it Alan. I always knew you would. Girlfriend who seems normal, living in the city, fantasy team in first place. Don't bother pinching yourself buddy, it only seemslike you're living a dream. The truth is, you deserve everything you've attained because of the person you are on the inside. Never mind that you've been likened to an amphibian, or that your team has been called "the worst team on paper in FALAFEL history" by someone who gets paid to provide fantasy analysis. Nothing can stand in your way Alan. I know you'll prevail because you're a man who embodies loyalty and hope, and I know this because, although many so-called "rational" people would toss him to the wayside, AP still calls your roster home.
4) AGD (3-2, 492 points)
Your team looks poised to mount perhaps the most serious threat to James' dominance going forward. With Ingram returning, you'll have the best running back depth in the league, which combined with serviceable receivers and the perpetually overachieving Russell Wilson, represents a scary matchup to anyone. It's appropriate that Wilson, with whom you two share many attributes, serves as your team's poster-boy. You both live life with a youthful exuberance, boyish good looks, and represent the future of your respective leagues. Although Wilson needed to write an article about himself claiming that he was a tough guy growing up to be seen as anything but an unintimidating choir boy, you two are far more secure with being perceived as feeble quasi-children. I know that, despite many people's assumptions, your love for each other is not sexual in nature. You simply recognize each other's inherent vulnerability, and realize that each of your survival in this world depends on the other's support and care. We should all learn a valuable lesson from your mutual devotion to each other.
5) Lutz/Marshall (4-1, 440 points)
It shouldn't surprise anyone that you guys are this high on the list. You are both highly intelligent individuals who excel in demanding and sought-after jobs. Yet at times many have questioned both of your ability to function at all in society. But your success in life, as well as fantasy, begs the question: perhaps, given your successes, it is in fact society that should change to reflect your personas. Perhaps Chris' seemingly nonsensical emails contain hidden genius that we are merely unable to appreciate because of our own deficiencies. Perhaps tiger-moms seeking to ensure their children's success at landing a prestigious career should, instead of pressuring them to sacrifice their social lives to get better grades, encourage them to drink to the point of having their eyes roll back in their heads on a daily basis like young William. You two make us question everything we think we know about the value of "civilized" behavior. Bravo.
6) Kumpf (2-3, 480 points)
It's a joy to see how far you've come Kevin. Who would have thought that the lovable asexual lump whose goals in life seemed not to extend beyond the crow's nest door would be the first among us to truly become a man? Your rapid hyper-maturation has given hope to even the most grotesque among us that we too can find true love. It pains me to see your disengagement from league duties this year, but who am I, a mere unmarried barbarian, to question the workings of adult life. I see many happy days ahead for both your new family, and for your fantasy team, especially if you are able to add some running back depth to your studly receiver duo.
7) Joseph (3-2, 421 points)
No one cares about how someone feels about their own team or life. Thats why people, presumably including me at some point, have to pay money for therapy.
8) Ajay (2-3, 453 points)
One thing that can always be said about Ajay is that you know what you get with him. He is steadfast in his ways, and does not waiver according to the whims of society. For all the jokes that have been made about "New Gutman," "New Kumpf," and so on, no one can argue that Ajay has changed much over the years. Although some might call it stubbornness, complacency, or even lack of creativity (to be fair, Ajay's last three team names have been "ajay," "Ajay Ajay", and "Ajay Temp"), I believe there's something to be said for such stability. Sadly, Ajay has deviated from his life strategy this year in fantasy, assembling perhaps the most injury-prone and inconsistent group of players in the league. Ajay, you're a man I respect a great deal, and I hope you'll return to the qualities that originally garnered that respect, including your refusal to let the world dictate the "appropriate" place and manner that one defecates, so that you may get a second chef's coat.
9) Levine (2-3, 427 points)
Some may call you "bland," "a numbers bid for life," and "oh yeah, that guy." I, however, see you for the unique and beautiful person you are. I enjoyed our trade discussions this week, although we were unable to reach a deal, but I can't help but feel that this resulted from your team quietly being among the most complete in the league. Much in the same way that I hope your team ultimately receives the recognition it deserves, I hope that you yourself will continue to show the world what a complex and multi-talented being you are. I look forward to many more years of friendship.
I've now spent close to an hour on this and have other shit to do. Here's the rest of the rankings. Bottom 5 don't really deserve to have anything nice said about them anyway.
10) Esco (2-3, 417 points)
11) Gutman (1-4, 427 points)
12) Bennett (2-3, 402)
13) Donnie (1-4, 404)
14) Z-Ball (1-4, 346)
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