I begin this weekly write up a few days late thanks to a grueling few weeks at work, putting in 12-14 hours per day the past 2 weeks and driving my team very hard to finish a proposal that my VP told me we had to win. I also just received notice from our parent company in Paris that our new CEO does not want to submit the RFP response, so I’m pretty angry.
That’s why this week’s theme is why I hate all of
Esco’s Division:
1) Esco – I AM GROOT
Fuck you and your stupid trick to get the price of Forsett to go up. I am 100% convinced this was a shady move to make me lose out on Forsett, forcing me into an errant week 1 trade with you for Graham. WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!?!?!
(Queue flash-forward to week 4 trade rape, Esco screams something about a Groot, multiple gchats fill my screen, and I die a little more on the inside)
2) Barnard – Barnard Temp
I bet you damn near shit your pants while jizzing the front watching Vernon catch 2 TDs. Though I’d rather have either of my QBs over both of yours combined. Neither looked like a guy who will win 7 games. Change your team name you lazy fuck.
3) Nijo - #ALS
A: Two fantasy running backs that have destroyed my hopes and dreams in previous years
Q: Who are MJD and McFadden? (Ryan Grant and Doug Martin also accepted)
I am too afraid to make fun of you, your fingers are like daggers slopping away at the keyboard as you cackle, picturing Alan sitting on an electric juicer to make Ass-Blood salsa.
4) Kumpf – Mind of a Married Man
I enjoy the fact that you try to get ahead and disarm the marriage jokes before we could make fun of you, but your team name is terrible. It reminds me of Mind of Mencia, hopefully Tara doesn’t notice that you plagiarized your vows. Good luck RGII and his bum knee, people in DC are already calling for the Coz. People liked the CPP better before you took it over.
BAM Division
1) BAM – BNBD
Your 2-headed monster looks more like Billy’s dick than Marshalls. With the injury to Alshon (hammies are never good) and Andre Johnson apt to retire and/or die at any moment. I think you guys could be hurting reaaaal soon. Staff infections last a while but they wont carry you all season.
2) Alan – Lowelovin
Great pick up this week. Can’t wait to spend more time with you than Barney this weekend.
3) Zacherman – Kurdish warfare
Fucking Zacherman and his sneaky good teams. We all assumed your lack of bidding at the draft was due to some seriously slowed reaction times, and while it was, it may work out for you. Also did you just pick up a top FA WR for $0. Fuck all of this.
4) Levine – Kimmel 1
I hope Tom Brady dies a slow and painful death over the weekend so your season can be crushed like last year.
5) Ajay – Ajay – Ajay
I hope Tom Brady dies a slow and painful death over the weekend so you will be sad.
D D D D D Donnie and the Jews
1) Bennett – Generic Iggles Reference
Pay your dues.
2) Weissbard – Kimmel 2
The only thing I can compliment you for is your drafting of this division. The only win came from an inter-division matchup, and that doesn’t even count cause it was Bennett. Ben Tate hurts, but did you really thing he was gonna be your #1 RB? Oh, you thought it was gonna be T. Rich? Classic Weissbard.
3) Pat – Pen15
The fact that you have to suffer through the misery of Jason Witten’s performance and negative points from the Giants D just makes me giggle. Whats that called? Schadenfreude!
4) AGD – Rob Woooods
I honestly had no idea that you scored so badly in the first week that this hot potato could be in your hands. If you split the points in two, I definitely beat both your asses. Sticking with the Rams D? sounds like a plan.
5) Gutman – Shit
What can I say, it was a bad start. I think the team has potential. Forsett all the way baby.
Also in better news, I got the Ok to submit my proposal about half way through writing this, but I realized I was enjoying it too much.
Fuck all of you.
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