After the Nashville draft, I called an audible on this tradition by handing out country music lyrics, so I'll be doing the same this year with a similarly relevant subject. Without further ado, here are this year's draft grades, along with an appropriate Kentucky Derby winner:
Alan - Big Brown
Our defending champ had one of the more obvious name choices. As we've seen over the last decade, Alan typically either finishes near the bottom, or wins the whole damn thing. I think this is year is one of the former. He somehow got into an insane bidding war over Jordy that led him to pay just about as much for a 32 year old white WR with a torn ACL in his history as other teams paid for Julio and OBJ. The Cooks bid wasn't much better, and those two WRs basically cost you the chance to have any sort of depth. I think Carson Palmer bounces back this year and Frank Gore is the definition of both reliable and unexciting, but if one of your WRs gets hurt or has a down year, you're in a lot of trouble.
Best Pick: Carson Palmer for $1
Worst Pick: Jordy Nelson for $61
Grade: D-
Esco - Behave Yourself
Lost in the absolute drunkenness of that draft, was the fact that a few teams actually showed some moderation and didn't make outlandish bids. As usual, Esco is one of those teams and he has depth that only a few can match. I don't have a problem with Luck at QB, but if he misses multiple games, I'm less excited about paying $8 for him. Other than that, and that I'm not a fan of his specific WRs (though he got good value), there's not much to complain about here other than the lack of a super-high ceiling.
Best Pick: Duke Johnson for $6
Worst Pick: Andrew Luck for $8
Grade: B
Weissbard - Shut Out
While this name refers primarily to Arsenal's performance against Liverpool, it can also apply to Weissbard's playoff chances. I honestly don't hate the LeVeon bid, him and DJ are likely worth $80+ in our league, but $43 on an RB2 was probably too much, and you followed that with yet another RB! The NFL is insanely deep at WR, yet somehow you have Jarvis Landry and literally nothing else. The small bids on Washington and Vereen are fine, but you literally should have spent all of your remaining dollars at WR after you got your top 2 RBs. I see a trade in your future, but one that you might not be able to win.
Best Pick: Tevin Coleman for $13 (though he should have been your RB2)
Worst Pick: Lamar Miller for $43
Grade: C+
Barnard - Regret
I feel like Barnard should get "Regret" tattooed on himself given the way he operates on a day-to-day basis, and it also applies to his bid on Gurley. However, I don't hate the rest of his team. Brady was a pretty good deal (though QBs were devalued overall), and the rest of his roster is relatively deep, even if I don't like most of the players individually. He's betting relatively big on the Rams offense, but even if they're as bad as they look, he has enough depth that it won't cripple him. Eli for $2 as his third QB pretty much defines Barnard's draft day behavior.
Best Pick: Tom Brady for $22
Worst Pick: Todd Gurley for $52
Grade: B
Belfer - Northern Dancer
Belfer twerking on Alan as Reap made it rain, while all of them were dressed as chefs, is something I will never forget, and it earns Belf this admitted stretch of a horse name. The draft was always going to go downhill from there, but for Belf it didn't go down too far. Julio and Gordon is a nice duo up top, and your starting lineup is pretty well-rounded. I worry about depth at RB, as well as your Detroit connection at QB/TE, but this is a solid team overall.
Best Pick: Tyrell Williams for $2
Worst Pick: Julio Jones for $63 (nitpicking, but he's an injury risk?)
Grade: B
Zacherman - Forward Pass
This horse goes to Z because he's all in on the passing game, at the expense of running the ball. His typical picks of Brees and Gronk are augmented by a stud receiver in Green and pass catching RBs. The big wild card here is Zeke, and this grade is based on what we knew at the time. I'm on record in saying that this is a terrible pick because you're guaranteed a MAX of 6 regular season games from him, assuming he doesn't get hurt or beat any more women. That pick will define your season, for better or worse, but if you can weather the storm before he comes back, he could carry you to a chef's coat.
Best Pick: Darren Sproles for $7 (half-PPR!)
Worst Pick: Zeke Elliott for $49
Grade: B-
Ajay - Sir Barton
Sir Barton was the first Triple Crown winner, and unless Alan pulls another miracle, Ajay is in the driver's seat to be FALAFEL's first three-time champ as well (I can also neither confirm nor deny that Ajay still drinks Barton's). This is another extremely deep team, but one with more boom/bust players than the other deep teams. That's a fine line to walk, but even if a few of these guys don't pan out, there should be enough leftover to field a solid team. I can easily see a consolidation trade with one of the top heavy teams as well. This is my post-draft Stevens Bowl pick.
Best Pick: Willie Snead for $12
Worst Pick: Demaryius Thomas for $40
Grade: B+
Marco - I'll Have Another
Another self-explanatory horse name, Marco started the auction with a bang. And just like that he was out of money. There's nothing wrong with a top-heavy team, but if you're gonna go hard early, you need to be on your game at the end to snap up values. Blacking out is typically not the best way to be on your game. The prices on Shady and AB were fine, but immediately following them with Dez pretty much ruined any chances of fielding a starting lineup. You're destined for a trade rape.
Best Pick: Philip Rivers for $1? Not a lot of value here.
Worst Pick: Dez Bryant for $50
Grade: D
Kumpf - His Eminence
Despite all of y'alls best efforts to kick me out, I'm still running this shit. I don't love my team, but I think I have the most solid options of anyone on a week-to-week basis. That probably means I'll end up starting the wrong lineup each week, but choosing between Gillislee, Abdullah, Garcon and Martavis at flex is a lot more fun than most of you have. I'm gonna pick myself vs. Ajay in the Stevens Bowl, which was my same pick as two years ago when Ajay ended up in a chef's hat and I ended up missing the playoffs. I'm hoping I flip the script this time.
Best Pick: Ameer Abdullah for $15
Worst Pick: Cam Newton for $9
Grade: B+
Levine - Real Quiet
As usual, Levine didn't make much noise at what was otherwise a very noisy draft. And as usual, he walked away with a very solid team. As opposed to last year, where he (rightly) bet on LeVeon returning from suspension to carry his team, this year he already has a great team and then might get the Muscle Hamster back as a starting RB. The only reason he's not at the top of my list is his WR group. I love Keenan but he's never healthy, and outside of that I don't see anything reliable. Having said all that, I expect him easily make the final four.
Best Pick: Mark Ingram for $17
Worst Pick: Kelvin Benjamin for $22
Grade: B
BAM - Genuine Risk
Calling the past week rough for Billy would be an understatement, but his team looks extremely top-heavy and risky. The ODB price seems high, but a starting core of him and Murray isn't bad. Adding Michael Thomas and (accidentally) Hilton to them, is unsustainable in terms of fielding a weekly roster. The grade here comes mainly from the fact that, once you established your top four, the rest of your money should have gone to RB. Instead, you spent $3 on a TE that might not start on his own team, and $2 each on a 4th and 5th WR. This team could win any given week if the top 4 all explode. But if they even have average weeks, it's likely a loss.
Best Pick: DeMarco Murray for $41
Worst Pick: T.Y. Hilton for $34
Grade: F
Gutman - Foolish Pleasure
This name applies to Gutman taking the both the top QB and the RB. The price was high, but I do think you'll enjoy watching Rodgers and DJ put up points every week. And of all the top-heavy teams, I like the way you supplemented your roster the best, other than likely overpaying for Cooper. Yes, your RB2 situation is bleak right now, but Perine will likely take over at some point, and Lewis/Richard should at least put up a few points until then. Worst case, you can flip one of your Vikings WRs for reinforcements. There may be some rough weeks, but overall this team will be competitive.
Best Pick: Stefon Diggs for $12
Worst Pick: Amari Cooper for $50
Grade: B
Bennett - Thunder Gulch
This was the only weather related horse name, and urban dictionary defines Thunder Gulch as "the gagging sound exerted when a dick is shoved too far down the mouth," so I couldn't resist. Bennett went HUGE for Mike Evans, who I like, but he's not worth $9 more than A.J. Green. Despite that, the rest of this team came together pretty nicely. I don't hate any position group, but outside of Kelce at TE, I see the rest of them as average at best. That's not a terrible place to be, and could lead to beneficial trades, but it also likely doesn't mean it's a playoff team.
Best Pick: Travis Kelce for $21
Worst Pick: Mike Evans for $65
Grade: B-
Reap - Sunday Silence
The quieter member of the newly broken up duo will also spend most of his Sundays quietly looking at his roster (a stretch I know, sorry Reap). To start, I love the team name, and I'd love to see it on a chef's hat, but I'm doubting that happens. I don't hate your starting lineup, but I feel like you marginally overpaid for each of them, leaving you pretty much nothing on the bench. I've lived that life before, and when everyone's healthy you can compete with anyone, but once the injuries and byes pile up, it gets hard to break 80 points. I would highly doubt you finish in last place, but I do think this is a bottom half team.
Best Pick: Kyle Rudolph for $5
Worst Pick: Terrell Pryor Sr. for $33
Grade: C+
Overall Grades in Order:
- Ajay - B+
- Kumpf - B+
- Levine - B
- Belfer - B
- Esco - B
- Barnard - B
- Gutman - B
- Zacherman - B-
- Bennett - B-
- Reap - C+
- Weissbard - C+
- Marco - D+
- Alan - D
- BAM - F
Week 1 preview hopefully coming next week. Enjoy the long weekend everyone.
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