Week 4 Write-Up: Levine

The “What If” Analysis

As low scorer of the week (special shout out to the Falcons Defense (-3), Stevan Ridley (2.8), Shayne Graham (4) and Tom Brady (4.4)), I have the honor/pleasure/obligation to craft the Week 4 Weekly Write-up. This will not be a generic write-up where I bash every team, although some of that will certainly be done. Rather, this write-up will be rooted in the “What If”. No, not the “what if I had started one of my bench players” or “what if Tom Brady didn’t throw 2 interceptions and fumble once in an embarrassing Monday night performance”. This weekly write-up is the “What If … I had someone else’s schedule in the league”. 

A bit of background – I started doing this analysis last year after everyone started hating on my 0-6 start because I wanted to see if I truly had a bad team or if it was a product of the matchups (as an fyi, it was a product of the matchups… not that anyone cares). Given that this will be my first major email contribution to the league I figured it should be substantial. I do not know as much about football as Esco, I am not as self-deprecating as Barnard, as cutting as Nijo, etc., so I have decided to go with a somewhat analytical approach combined with my general opinion of your teams.

The Power Rankings generated from the “What if” analysis are based on the Average Win/Loss rate a team would have across all schedules. I think analysis helps to show consistency of teams and may also have you cursing the fantasy football gods for your bad luck with scheduling. I have attached the excel file for people who are bored and/or have nothing better to do.

Before the power rankings a few fun facts

·         - Donny (413.5 pts against) and Gutman (409.9 pts against) have had the hardest schedule to date; next closes is over 30 points less. No real sympathy here though as they are 11 and 12 on the power rankings.

·        - Bennett has had by far the easiest schedule (282.7 pts against) to a stellar 2-2 record. Next closest is wbard with 318 against.

·         - Having the highest cumulative score doesn’t always get you the best record. Sorry wbard your 416.4 pts (next closes is Barnard with 384.2) has only yielded 2 wins due to consistency of performance combined with a somewhat unlucky schedule, but the power rankings still love you for this week. More to come.  

The Power Rankings                

		Avg Record
	Team	Wins	Losses
1	Barnard	3.00	1.00
2	Weissbard	2.71	1.29
3	Joseph	2.29	1.71
4	Masand	2.21	1.79
5	Reap/Belf	2.14	1.86
6	Lutz/Marsh	2.07	1.93
7	Escalante	1.86	2.14
8	Shah	1.79	2.21
9	Kumpf	1.64	2.36
10	Bennett	1.57	2.43
11	Gutman	1.43	2.57
12	Donaldson	1.21	2.79
13	Levine	1.14	2.86
14	Zacherman	0.93	3.07

Barnard (We Made It)

Word on the street is that you don’t remember the havana nagila that broke out at this year’s draft… if it was due to drunkenness, you should thank the bartenders and pray that whoever comes out last this year bestows upon you the 5 pre-draft shots; it may not have helped the 2 league members who had to partake this year (8^th and 13^th in the power ranking) but you are an anomaly. With that said, I haven’t been in the league long enough to assess you fantasy football acumen and from what everyone says, including yourself, it has not been pretty. Everyone shits on Barnard, but this year Barnard might be doing the shitting. This team could be destined for greatness.  You would be 4-0 or 3-1 in 10 of the 14 schedules with only one losing record (if you had Donnys), so your record is no fluke and your team is legit. Star power at key positions (Lynch, Green, Rivers), depth at every position and the potential for a number one receiver coming back in week 12, thanks to your trade with wbard, that could carry you deep into the playoffs. You may look to improve your WR2 position in the interim by trading away some of your depth (see Shah/Masand Trade), but if not, your team is still very formidable and more importantly, consistent unlike the #2 team in these power rankings.

Weissbard (Even Esco Can’t Get Me Laid)

Your team is off to a good start scoring in the triple digits 2 of the first 4 weeks, but I am skeptical if that will continue. The trade for smith was a nice boost at WR2 but Flacco is garbage and I don’t see Smith catching 60+ yard tip passes for tuddys on a weekly basis. Jordy, Cutler, and Thomas should be solid fantasy contributors all year but after that I am highly skeptical mainly because of your rb situation. Bradshaw is in a time share and cant possibly score a receiving touchdown every week , Ball hasn’t done much in his 3 games on a prolific offense, and Tate, assuming he is back this week, just isnt that exciting on a pretty miserable offense. The Power Rankings like you this week as you would be 4-0 or 3-1 in 8 of the 14 schedules and similar to Barnard would only have one losing record (donnys schedule). A bit unfortunate to be 2-2 but your team will likely make a strong push for the playoff, even if under the Nijo rule.

Joseph (Inomin8gehrig4 the #icebucket)

Another team off to a solid start this young fantasy football season and the solid start will likely translate into a playoff run for the commish. As with team “Even Esco Cant Get Me Laid”, you would be 3-1 in 8 of the 14 schedules. However, what kept you from eclipsing wbard from the number 2 spot in the rankings is that in 4 of the 12 schedules you would currently have a losing record. This is no reflection on the quality of your team as it realistically has underperformed.  Shady has not been shady, but even if he doesn’t come close to the season he had last year, he is better than his current ranking of 28^th. QB and RB2 are really my only concerns with this team, but Big Ben is serviceable so the only real hole is RB2. The combo of Taliaferro/MJD/McFadden wont get it done on a weekly basis but your flex is strong with a sold receiving core. Im sure you will make a move to improve you RB2 slot and potentially QB but if not, this team is still in good position. You are in what looks to be the toughest division this year but a top 6 seems likely.

Masand (AP is Weissbard’s BabySitter)

This ranking is nonsensical. Sure the Power Rankings have you batting cleanup and you have put up some solid numbers, but it defies logic. You would be above 500 in 5 of the 14 schedules and below 500 in only 3 of the 14 schedules so from that perspective the ranking is justified. However, your team leaves something to be desired. Luck, the only true asset left on this team, is off to an insane start this year and while he should be a top 5 fantasy QB all year, his 26.9 weekly Avg seems high. Jennings is a solid RB1 and if Eli can build off of last weeks stellar performance, Jennings will likely finish as a top 10 back. But after that the wheels fall off. You traded your greatest asset (other than Luck) away for a WR3 (maybe) and a Flex RB. Asiata will not score 28 pts again in his career and will likely start to split time at RB. This team has been hurt by the injury bug (Pitta) and by the beating up children bug. There is less than a 1% chance that Peterson sees the field this year so you should probably drop him; he wasn’t smoking weed like Josh Gordon… he was “disciplining” children. We know Alan loves him some Allen but this team isnt making the playoffs… even with loads of Luck.

Belfer/Reap (Rob Woods’ Giant Cock)

At 2-2, AGD can’t be happy; they had a rough first week which really brought down there chances for a top 3 Power Ranking and all but sealed their fate for a 2-2 start. In 6 of the 14 schedules, AGD would be 3-1, but that is less than 50% so cant really feel bad especially since in 4 of the 14 schedules you would be under 500. Be happy at 2-2 and ride your deep team to another playoff berth. Lacy will play better than he has the first 4 weeks, he was playing against the best run defenses after all, but your receivers are about where they should be. This team has some depth to bolster the receiving core with a legit WR1 but either way the Wilson, Lacy, Gio core along with WRs that can go off in a given week should be enough to get you to the dance.

Lutz/Marshall (Big Nutz Black Dick)

At 3-1 this duo should be very happy. Your team had lackluster performances in week 2-3, but were excellent in weeks 1-4. In 5 of the 14 schedules, BNBD would be 3-1, which is less than 50% so to escape a few bad weeks with a 3-1 record keeps the owners smiling as it could’ve been worse with 4 of the 14 schedules giving you a record of under 500.  With JC back to full strength this team looks keep the ball rolling with a formidable match-up against NIJO. This team is not deep and will not continually get 22.5 from its flex but there is enough star power (JC, Stafford, Jeffrey, Bennett) mixed in with other solid contributors (Morris, Johnson,) to make a run at the playoffs, barring injury of course; also on this team’s side is the weakest division with the 9^th, 13^th and 14^th ranked teams in the Power Ranking, and a child beating team that is highly overrated. You should like your chances this year.

Escalante (Alan Loves Him Some Allen, D)

We are now getting into the teams that have an average win rate of less than 2. There is only 1 shedule (Wbards) in which Esco would be above 500. Its hard for me to gauge this team; Esco seems to find a way to put together some wins and make the right fantasy moves but other than a solid week 1 performance the team has been uninspired. Snagging Graham, Benji and Allen in early season trades will likely pay-off and Killa Cam will likely Avg more than 14.8 pts/gm. Stacey and Sproles will be hit or miss, boom or bust all year but this team still has enough depth to make some moves down the road to make a final push for a playoff spot. Esco is in the toughest division but until the champ is knocked out you have to like his chances to make a push.

Shah (Ajay Temp)

The lack of team name is not working for you, but everyone loved your trade rape of Alan. Dez and Sanders are a solid duo at WR, Kap is a top 10 QB, Gronk will continue to get healthy and finish as a top 5 TE. You have a mish mash of RBs all of which are low end RB2 or high end Flexes. A potential trade to bolster the RB position and clear out some depth could quickly put this team back in the conversation for a playoff berth, especially in the weakest division. The power rankings don’t reflect the aforementioned potential as 3 of your 4 weeks were mediocre. In 2 of the 14 schedules you would be above 500 but in 5 of the 14 schedules you would be below 500 so 2-2 feels about right for this team. Im guessing this team will continue to climb in the power rankings over the upcoming weeks but the team needs to come together soon to have a shot at a playoff berth.

Kumpf (Mind Of The Married Man)

This team would be under 500 in half of the schedules and above 500 in only 2, so you should be quite happy to be at 2-2. This may be the last team I have positive things to say about mostly because I think your team has underperformed and you filled a glaring need by picking up a RB2 in a trade with Donny that helped our raining league champ take down the ship last year. Mathews is always an injury risk but as we have seen this year, who isnt? Demariyius has let you down a bit but there is no way he is not a top 15 receiver. He is unlikely to find a top 5 finish given the love Manning has been showing to Sanders but either way, your WR core is formidable. Top end star power with Ryan, Bell, Jones, and Thomas as well as serviceable players at other positions will make this team tough to beat down stretch. Barring injury I like this team, but unfortunately you are in what looks to be the toughest division.

Bennett (It Ertz When Eifert)

The epitome of generic, this team has had the weakest schedule and is 500. It could only have gotten worse for you in other schedules with 5 opportunities to be below 500 including 0-4 under Nijo’s schedule. Be happy being generic and not making the playoffs this year. Forte and Cobb will be solid all year but the rest of the team will likely flounder and be hit or miss… mainly miss. Time share RB2, no WR2 (fitzy aint fitzy no more), a QB1ish and limited depth. You are still in the thick of your division at 2-2 but Wbard and Reap/Belf are light years ahead. Don’t worry Bennett. On the plus side… you likely wont finish last as the next 4 teams are painful to watch.

Gutman (Bell’s Sankey Blount)

Im gonna go out on a limb and say at this point in the season you did not want to be 0-4 and have already traded away your best asset not named Rodgers and your rookie flier, who looks to be flying high for running back depth. To be fair, in 11 of the 14 schedules you would have at least 1 win and in 8 of the 14 schedules you would be at least 500. But fate dealt you the second hardest schedule coupled with a bad team. Your team lacks star power but surprisingly has a plethora of RB3s and maybe a RB2 If we are being generous. Pray on the weak via trade during bye weeks and you might be able to add some star power to pair with Arod and turn in respectable finish. Realistically, a playoff run is out of the question as Reap/Belf and Wbard are gonna have a better record than you and the Nijo rule is a pipe dream.

Donaldson (Calvin, Stills and Cruz)

Patty D… you have had the hardest schedule to date. However, in only 4 of the 14 schedules would you be 500 or better. No wins to date is a tough pill to swallow because you would have at least 1 win in 12 of the 14 schedules, but your team very top heavy and its currently toppling. Manning and Megatron will keep you in the picture most weeks but short of record breaking days on a weekly basis, your lack of serviceable starters at other positions will keep on the losing side of head to head matches more times than not the rest of the season. I understand why you made the trade with kumpf but your top 2 RBs are both in time shares and are both old… not a recipe for the winning sauce. I would test the trade market for Mega and Manning to see what you can get in return to bolster some other positions. You can always call in a few favors to see if Tony Gionopolis can crack some skulls.

Levine (Kimmel’s Bald Dome)

1) Drunk people make bad decisions 2) I hate Mathew Berry; Mr Berry…. It is not more luckily than not that Tom Brady will go back to being Tom Brady. Thanks to whoever dropped Andy Dalton. He isnt a top 5 fantasy QB like his numbers showed last year but anything is better than Tom Brady. There are only 3 of 14 schedules where I would be 500 (none which I would be better). Luckily I was able to have one of those schedules, haven’t completed been eliminated and in the weakest division, but I wont be in any race for the Nijo rule this year. Here’s to not getting last place.

Zacherman (Squeaky Curd Factory)

There is only one schedule where you would be 500. You currently have hot potato. Things aren’t looking good overall. You still have drew brees who can help you win a week here and there. Your RBs are on the low end of RB2s (and that might be generous). You have a lot of big names and receiver but they just haven’t panned out yet. Percy is in a very unselfish offense so he will likely not put up big points on a regular basis. Vjax is on his 2^nd QB of the season already (but Mike Evans is out for a few weeks which could help… sorry Bennett).  Welker is concussion prone and Manning seems to like his new toy better. And Djax will be highly volatile as ‘skin. 

Week 3 Write-Up: Esco

For those of you who don’t know, yesterday was Rosh Hashanah aka the Jewish New Year so because of that I shall be giving each of your teams a Jewish food that represents it.

1.       Barnard

I can’t believe it’s Week 3 and Barnard is still in first place. This team reminds me of Brisket, always one of the best options at any Jewish meal, it’s also one of the least complex foods on the table. You only get one note of flavor but damn it’s a good one. AJ Green, Marshawn and Rivers have carried so far with their flavor profile but just like you can’t sit down and eat only brisket 7 days a week, if this team doesn’t see some balancing soon I see it crashing back to earth.

2.       AGD

Katz’s Pastrami with an extra side of pickles: there is really nothing I hate about this team, it’s got the meaty center (Gio and Lacy) who should get even better as the season progresses, the tangy mustard for contrast (Garcon, Crabtree, Wallace) and even a little burst of flavor from the pickles on the side every once and a while (Gates and Wilson). Other than the small dilemma of having both tight ends on the same team this is a team I can enjoy every week.

3.       Alan

How the fuck is this team the 3^rd seed currently. Somehow Luck is the top ranked QB and Rashad Jennings is the number 5 RB but I’m a firm believer the rest of this team is trash. It’s just like Blintzes, if you eat just one (Luck) or two (Jennings) blintzes they taste great especially with a little jam in there, and maybe you could stomach a third (Floyd) but after that, if you try to keep shoveling blintzes down your throat you are going to vomit everywhere.

4.       Kumpf

This team is hot hot hot. Despite Demaryius’s struggles, Bell is the number 3 RB, Ryan is the number 2 QB, somehow Terrence West and Fjax are top 20 RBs and Ertz is a top 8 tight end. Everyone here has been over performing the entire season. If everyone keeps this up, this is a powerful team. But I’m not sure I see it, just like Latkes this is a team that is incredible when hot but inedible 2 minutes later once they cool down. There is a lot of boom/bust potential on this team, Ryan, West, Hunter, Fjax, Ertz, (I could go on), and once a few of them get cold sure you could shovel a ton of apple sauce or sour cream on em but I don’t see it being enjoyable.  Let’s see if you can keep your Latkes warm all year.

5.       Nick

This was my hardest team to define. I can’t really get a read on whether I like this team or I’m just ambivalent about it. QB is a glaring hole that I don’t think you can ignore and still be a title contender so there may be some trades on the horizon. But as your team stands now it’s like a bagel with Lox and cream cheese, sometimes delicious sure but with great variation in the level of sandwich quality. Antonio Brown and Jeremy Maclin have been terrific so far but with Big Ben, LeSean McCoy and Roddy White struggling I think there are big question marks in what sandwich you will be getting from week to week. One week it might be Murray’s and the next might be Dunkin Donuts…

6.       Levine

For some reason Chopped Liver always gets a bad shake. The phase “What am I, Chopped Liver?” signifies frustration or anger at being ignored on a social level (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chopped_liver#Chopped_liver_as_an_expression) which is ridiculous. Chopped liver on toast is incredible. Everyone should go to The Spotted Pig in nyc and get the chopped liver followed up with the burger you won’t regret it. Anyway Levine has already had to shake off an entire year of being called Kimmel and 5 shots of Fireball before the draft so he hasn’t had the easiest road. But this team has potential and Demarco Murray could easily be top runningback at the end of the season IF he stays healthy. But that’s the big issue here; the team has nothing on the bench worth discussing and half the starting lineup is already banged up so there are still a lot of question marks this early in the year.

7.       Esco

I decided to go without any super stars on my team and parlayed that into serious running back depth after the draft. Now that I’ve traded away some of that depth to balance my starting lineup I would say I still don’t have any major strengths outside TE but hopefully I have also shored up my weaknesses. Challah is the same way, delicious and easy to over eat but no one characteristic that describes why it’s so outstanding.

8.       Bennett

Apples & Honey is the most boring celebratory food you could possibly have. They apparently symbolize a “sweet new year” but that just sounds like someone got lazy along the way and had to throw something out there and hoped no one would complain. Nothing particularly excites or upsets me about this team. I would say you have a decent shot of making the playoffs but not much chance after that.

9.       BAM

Matzo Ball Soup is a combination of a weird spongey greyish blob of matzo brie and plain old chicken broth and yet somehow when you put em together they taste amazing. If everyone on your team was healthy we would probably be saying the same thing about your team now. But just like Matzo Ball Soup you team has no depth so your struggles are pronounced. You rode that lack of depth all the way to the finals last year so I can’t knock your strategy but unless your team gets healthy in a hurry this could be a long season for BAM.

10.   Weissbard

Literally every time I see “Alan Masand: Human Toad” I laugh out loud so props to you for convincing my coworkers that I’m probably going insane. Anyway this team is totally unpredictable like every weissbard team ever but right now everyone is healthy and playing well so it’s bizarre to see you this far down when you have 6 players in the top ten of their respective positions. Just like Matzo you hide this team’s true nature and slather it with cream cheese or pretend it’s a pizza but inside we all know the truth, despite the outward appearance of a decent team I just don’t see much here.

11.   Ajay

Looking at this team, I’m shocked it’s in 11^th place. I like a lot of players here and the bench is very strong. Maybe it’s been bad matchups or injuries but I see this team as very underrated. Just like hamantaschen, one of the best Jewish desserts banished to a relatively unknown holiday that no one really cares about (Purim) and never served outside of that time of year. I would eat apricot hamantaschen at any holiday and a lot of the other flavors are just as strong. Don’t sleep on this team just because of its current seeding, I think we will have a very different picture in a few weeks.

12.   Donny

Babka doesn’t really relate to your team or anything really, it’s just delicious tasting pastry in a loaf form. But it does have the best readymade TV reference of any of the foods on this list so enjoy this classic Seinfeld scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i78azsi7M94. As for your team, you went heavy on the big stars and they have performed well but some roster management issues have cost you. Also I think it’s time to let Odell Beckham go, when a guy hasn’t even suited up all season it’s time to say see ya later.

13.   Gutman

According to Wikipedia, Gefilte Fish is “an Ashkenazi Jewish dish made from a poached mixture of ground boned fish, such as carp, whitefish or pike, which is typically eaten as an appetizer” Disgusting. I know some people out there are big fans of it but they are few and far between. Just like fans of Team Gutman. I don’t think the trades he made were bad and he still has the shell of Aaron Rodgers on his team but overall this team is tough to swallow let alone look at. Let’s move on before we get sick.

14.   Zacherman

Maror also known as “the bitter herb” is a part of the Passover Seder and also makes for an easy weed reference. It represents your team’s struggles so far this year very well. Between having too many jets runningbacks, the wrong Denver wide receiver, injuries across the board and a bad start from Drew Brees this hasn’t been the tastiest start for you. If Drew can get back on track and your WRs improve enough so that you can start dealing them for RBs maybe your team can rise up from the bottom but it will be a difficult road for team Zacherman. 

Week 2 Write-Up: Zacherman

So how does this CPP thing work? is the first question I ask as I start writing this thing for week 2.

Do I have to invent some made-up and ridiculous scoring algorithm to quantitatively rank everyone?  No, no one would believe that.  

Am I to just rank everyone based on their division? No, that doesn’t take much of a brain to come up with. 

Or am I to do whatever I want as long as put some order to things, talk about football, and bust some balls?  I'll just go with that.

Heading into week 3, teams are 1 of 3 things.  2-0, 1-1, and 0-2.  And that's how the rankings will be broken up this week. Plus, longer write-ups will be given to the 2-0 teams since I had little time available this week.

The 2-0 squads, start of a perfect season.

Levine, Barnard, Bennett

1. Esco

With everyone jokingly (but kinda realistically) having a strategy of fucking and bidding up Esco due to his previous years' success, he still managed to hold onto the most money last, allowing him to get lots of solid players, also maximizing on his reward chances over the risk of few players.

He's off to a strong start, with a starting lineup that looks to be getting stronger, now that selfish Gutman is jumping ship on the league's collective strategy (fuck Esco) by granting him Graham, the man who gave Gutman the best chance of upsetting Esco this past week (nice loyalty there, good luck motivating your players here on out).

The high scorer in week one, winning by close to 20, snuck by with a win over Gutman in week two scoring in the middle of the pack.

His starting lineup and depth, with undervalued sparks from Sproles and Edelman, looks to be formidable, and will likely improve in the skill positions as he poses two quality QBs in division buddies Cam and Matty Ice that someone will likely pry away from him in the future due to lack of league morality (still looking at you Gutman).  He should be able to keep it up and pose as strong competition each week.

2. Levine

Off to a strong start, with half as many wins already as last year in only 2 weeks, can Levine show to have turned his management ability around after one offseason?

He possesses the strongest run game in the league with Murray and Foster, and has a legit WR in Marshall that will pose as a solid positional player foundation all season.  Brady needs to start playing better, and if he does, this team can be even more dangerous.  Plus Ridley will put up some big number games every now and then like he did week 2, helping cruise high over Ajay who had to root against NE blowing out Minn like they did (now don’t you agree it’s dick when NE runs up the score Ajay??)

Team Kimmel has found winning and making fun of the bald dome is too much to handle, so a name change back to Team Kimmel will hopefully keep from a changing back to losing as well. 

3. Bennett

Strange to see only one Eagle on his team, he may have finally managed to figure out a slight bias has existed in his drafting in years past.  Now he actually has quality players from other teams, and doesn’t have to bet the farm on Chip putting up 75 by running 200 plays a game.

A top heavy team w/ Forte, Spiller, and Cobb, he really needs some of his young WRs to bust out showing some weekly consistency and Fitz may pose as a flex at best this year since he’ll have some good games and quiet games in a tough defensive division. Donald Brown now making in the starting lineup for SD, who’s showing to be one of the better offenses this year, will give him the boost to sustain his success and continue putting up a solid weekly number.

He hasn’t been putting up any big numbers yet, scoring in the low 90s/high 80s for both of his victories over the week 2 hot potato taker and the week 1 runner-up.

4. Barnard

Does Barnard always have Frank Gore?  Seems like he does.  

His team has some good things and as always, some bad things going for him right now. And knowing Barnard, when some good things are happen, they usually turn bad.  So expect all bad in the near future.

But starting with the good right now… the Patriots D is demolishing lesser competition, which it faces again in week 3, Rivers is looking like the Rivers of old (though he doesn't appreciate when you bench him), and his run game looks to be above average with Lynch (back problems maybe?) and Gore who's playing solid yet aging by the day.  He also still manages to have BenJarvus Green-Ellis on his team who remains a free agent to round out his RB depth. Questionable management tactics, but maybe he knows something?  I think he’s still relies on his Fantasy preview magazine which printed back in April that he picked up at the airport before the draft. 

Now onto the current bad... The WR situation. Green might be out for a few weeks and will return fighting a lingering toe issue all year (that’s how those piggies go).  And he’ll have trouble managing his team picking between some old man receivers all season who'll have some big games, and some quiet games too.  Have fun staying sane with that.

Yet he's off to a good start, scoring nicely in week one, but sneaking by with a victory in week two due to an early injury by Green and wrong choices in QB and WR.  Expect a turn for the worse however in the future as age will start to show through the season for this team.

The 1-1 squads, middle of the pack

5. Nijo

Another top heavy team with little depth, McCoy, Brown, Maclin, White, and McFadden should keep you competitive all year, but the PF v PA ratio is starting to show why the Njio rule retains its name.

6. Weissbard

The high total point scorer in our league so far suffered a tough loss week 1 to Nijo, but crushed Donnie taking the high week scorer cheese just over AGD after showing he still has a place in his heart for his old boy in blue, Ahmad Bradshaw, who he gave the start to over TRich.

7. Kumpf

The only man to not represent his team at the draft with the rest of the league is off to a weak start squeaked by with a win over the dress wearing squad and needs to be getting some better and more consistent play out of his players who should be performing much better collectively.

8. Marshall/Lutz

Taking down Z week 1, but losing to Kumpf’s low winner total in week 2, I know that never sits well with them, so expect a trade, likely involving Charles, who hasn’t gotten anything going yet and won’t be one to test Marshall and Lutz’s patience. They are always looking for that spark. 

9. AGD

I don’t get the team name, but the picture you found is pretty awesome (way to facebook stalk for that one), but if only Eddie Lacy could live up to the pre-season hype and start playing just as awesome too, you’d be a much happier couple.

10. Alan

You are never nice to me.  I’m not writing you anything more.

The 0-2 squads, lotta football left to be played, aka, must win territory

11. Ajay

Before the season started, I thought your team was really good, so I don’t know what’s going on.  Actually, yes I do.  Your running game is significantly underperforming, so once that turns around, this team can make that last quarter mile push and win it coming from far behind, kinda like Disney’s Seabiscuit.  Maybe you can use that to update your team name you lazy drunk.  

12. Donnie

Alan made the right move my changing tables when we drafted (I sat down w/ my laptop and Alan felt cramped so went to the bar) since it looks like our table was cursed w/ the 0-2 start.  Peyton and Calvin are handling their business, but no one else seems to be coming through, as the experiment for what happens when you auction all your money for the best WR and best QB in the game is off to an evident start.

13. Gutman

You may have noticed a fair amount of hatred in this email towards Gutman.  I blame my loss and receipt of the hot potato award on you and your write-up last week for complementing my team after a loss and jinxing me in many ways this week. Go fuck yourself.  But I will watch your cat again any time as I abuse your apartment.

14. Z

Of course my team is still amazing, I’m going to win out, take first in the season and first place overall… is my thinking.  But in reality, this fucking sucks.  Sunday was one of the best and worst days ever, setting my team lineup at 9a, going GB for the game (which was probably the greatest emotional high to low experienced in the course of a few hours in a very long time), not knowing anything that happened in the other games, cursing and still mad the entire way home, getting back at 10p to first check my team score, and see I now have the hot potato too that could last all season as I put up a most pathetic number. God I love this game!

Week 1 Write-Up: Gutman

Hello fellow FALAFEL members;

I begin this weekly write up a few days late thanks to a grueling few weeks at work, putting in 12-14 hours per day the past 2 weeks and driving my team very hard to finish a proposal that my VP told me we had to win. I also just received notice from our parent company in Paris that our new CEO does not want to submit the RFP response, so I’m pretty angry.

That’s why this week’s theme is why I hate all of you your teams.

Esco’s Division:

1)      Esco – I AM GROOT

Fuck you and your stupid trick to get the price of Forsett to go up. I am 100% convinced this was a shady move to make me lose out on Forsett, forcing me into an errant week 1 trade with you for Graham. WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!?!?!
(Queue flash-forward to week 4 trade rape, Esco screams something about a Groot, multiple gchats fill my screen, and I die a little more on the inside)

2)      Barnard – Barnard Temp

I bet you damn near shit your pants while jizzing the front watching Vernon catch 2 TDs. Though I’d rather have either of my QBs over both of yours combined. Neither looked like a guy who will win 7 games. Change your team name you lazy fuck.

3)      Nijo - #ALS

A: Two fantasy running backs that have destroyed my hopes and dreams in previous years
Q: Who are MJD and McFadden? (Ryan Grant and Doug Martin also accepted)
I am too afraid to make fun of you, your fingers are like daggers slopping away at the keyboard as you cackle, picturing Alan sitting on an electric juicer to make Ass-Blood salsa.

4)      Kumpf – Mind of a Married Man

I enjoy the fact that you try to get ahead and disarm the marriage jokes before we could make fun of you, but your team name is terrible. It reminds me of Mind of Mencia, hopefully Tara doesn’t notice that you plagiarized your vows. Good luck RGII and his bum knee, people in DC are already calling for the Coz. People liked the CPP better before you took it over.

 
BAM Division

1)      BAM – BNBD

Your 2-headed monster looks more like Billy’s dick than Marshalls. With the injury to Alshon (hammies are never good) and Andre Johnson apt to retire and/or die at any moment. I think you guys could be hurting reaaaal soon. Staff infections last a while but they wont carry you all season.

2)      Alan – Lowelovin

Great pick up this week. Can’t wait to spend more time with you than Barney this weekend.

3)      Zacherman – Kurdish warfare

Fucking Zacherman and his sneaky good teams. We all assumed your lack of bidding at the draft was due to some seriously slowed reaction times, and while it was, it may work out for you. Also did you just pick up a top FA WR for $0. Fuck all of this.

4)      Levine – Kimmel 1

I hope Tom Brady dies a slow and painful death over the weekend so your season can be crushed like last year.

5)      Ajay – Ajay – Ajay

I hope Tom Brady dies a slow and painful death over the weekend so you will be sad.

 

D D D D D Donnie and the Jews

1)      Bennett – Generic Iggles Reference

Pay your dues.

2)      Weissbard – Kimmel 2

The only thing I can compliment you for is your drafting of this division. The only win came from an inter-division matchup, and that doesn’t even count cause it was Bennett. Ben Tate hurts, but did you really thing he was gonna be your #1 RB? Oh, you thought it was gonna be T. Rich? Classic Weissbard.

3)      Pat – Pen15

The fact that you have to suffer through the misery of Jason Witten’s performance and negative points from the Giants D just makes me giggle. Whats that called? Schadenfreude!

4)      AGD – Rob Woooods

I honestly had no idea that you scored so badly in the first week that this hot potato could be in your hands. If you split the points in two, I definitely beat both your asses. Sticking with the Rams D? sounds like a plan.

5)      Gutman – Shit

What can I say, it was a bad start. I think the team has potential. Forsett all the way baby.

 

Also in better news, I got the Ok to submit my proposal about half way through writing this, but I realized I was enjoying it too much.

Fuck all of you.

Trade Analysis 1

Barnard traded Michael Floyd, Ari WR to Ajay
Barnard traded Steve Johnson, SF WR to Ajay
Ajay traded Reggie Wayne, Ind WR to Barnard
Ajay traded Golden Tate, Det WR to Barnard

Auction Cost:

$11 Michael Floyd, Ari WR to Ajay
$3 Steve Johnson, SF WR to Ajay
$14 Reggie Wayne, Ind WR to Barnard
$15 Golden Tate, Det WR to Barnard

Most Valuable Addition:

All of these guys could easily be trash so finding the one valuable player in the bunch is the only way someone wins this trade. I honestly hate the idea of trading before any games are played because no one has any real measure of player value except auction value. Tate is the safest play by virtue of being in the largest passing offense but Michael Floyd has the highest upside. Larry Fitzgerald has been slacking over the past several years and Floyd was a legitimate flex play in a deep league like ours last year. If you look at the ESPN projection they tell the same story, Floyd is the 22nd WR with 135 projected points on the year while Tate is the 30th WR ranked but has 139 projected points. I’m not even going to acknowledge Wayne who I think was a massive overpay and is an old man coming back from a brutal injury that he likely won’t recover from fully for another 12 months. I’m going to say Carson Palmer gets hurt at some point during the year and Floyd ends up with someone horrific throwing him the ball which makes Golden Tate more valuable over the long haul.

Ajay Trade Grade:

Like I said before I hate everything about Wayne this year so I like the idea of trading Tate for two potential draft steals in Floyd and Johnson. However, I can’t imagine a time during the year that you would actually be comfortable starting Johnson which basically makes this a Tate for Floyd trade. And if you were to promise me Carson would play the entire season injury free I would gladly pick Floyd but I think there is a less than 50% chance that happens. But since this is so early in the season and there really isn’t much of value being exchanged here it is hard to be too negative about this.

C+

Barnard Trade Grade:

I’m sure you were dancing at your computer thinking you were getting a good deal here based on auction values but those numbers are arbitrary and a terrible measure of actual player value. And sadly with the depth on your team you probably are looking at starting Wayne based on matchup decisions at flex. Tate is a nice plug in play at WR2 but this muddles your FLEX decision making even further. Between Reggie Wayne, Terrence Williams and Bernard Pierce someone will probably score a touchdown every week but deciding who that actually will be is going to be miserable. I say take the easy route and just go BJE. He probably is having a pretty shitty week after getting cut, so maybe, just maybe, he will log onto ESPN fantasy and see 0.01% of owners starting him and that will brighten his day. That’s about the best thing I see for your team this year. I actually kind of like this trade for you but knowing your history in life tempers my expectations and I lowered your grade accordingly

B