2013 Draft Grades

I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse than leaving Savannah and having to go to St. Louis and not to my bed. But it could have been worse. I could have had to re-enter the entire draft pick-by-pick. While it’s hilarious that Nick had to do that, it also has terrible side effects. Namely, that the prices of each player in the draft are no longer stored anywhere. Once again, fuck ESPN.

The lack of prices, as well as my lack of memory of the draft in general, makes these draft grades infinitely more difficult. While I remember Kimmel getting DeAngelo for real cheap, and Barnard wildly overpaying for S-Jax, I don’t remember the exact extent to which each player was over- or under-paid.

So these grades will be done based on the current ADP of each team’s starting lineup, with some credit given to the quality of their bench. If you have plenty of options for your Flex spot (like me), that’s nice. But I’d much rather have a no-doubt Flex stud every week, and worry about injuries only after they happen. And as you’ll see, for some reason this formula loved Weissbard’s team (which I hate) and hated Joseph’s team (which I think could be amazing or terrible). So I have made some manual adjustments in the extreme cases.

All that aside, the best part of the weekend was that we had a great turnout and all got to enjoy each other’s company. Maybe a little too much in some cases, as there were more shirts off than on at one point. To commemorate Draft Weekend 2013, I return to my annual gimmick of handing out Draft Location-appropriate quotes to each team. In 2011, it was The Hangover for Vegas. In 2012, it was country music lyrics for Nashville. In 2013, we turn to the very best-good movie I’ve ever seen, Forrest Gump.

Lowe/Dave O

Forrest Gump: Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. You want a chocolate?

The first quote of the movie, spoken in Chippewa Square in Savannah, goes to our two non-league members who came along for the trip. I think we are all in awe of Lowe’s intense dedication (desperation?) to showing up at every single draft despite not having a team in the league. And Dave O’s drive had to be no easy feat on Sunday with a hangover. The more the merrier, so I hope we can regain some more draft staples (Anson, Bruno, Rob Woods) in the years to come. But now for the main event…

2013 FALAFEL Draft Grades

AGD

Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.

This quote goes to our longest tenured duo, who truly do know what love is. Not only was it impressive to see them navigate the same computer during the draft, but it was nice to see them actually show up to the draft. Hopefully this wasn’t a one-time thing.

Best Pick: Tony Romo at like $10. These guys got lucky that Eli and Vick both got taken, leaving them with the last remaining top 12 QB at a huge bargain.

Worst Pick: Wes Welker. No idea on price, but by taking him instead of a legit RB2, you’re putting a lot of pressure on Daryl Richardson to produce every week.

Starter ADP: 462.2

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade:  C

Kumpf

Forrest Gump: You know it's funny what a young man recollects? 'Cause I don't remember bein' born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic.

Every fucking year I say that I’m not going to drink before the draft. And every fucking year I’m at least 6 deep before the draft, and don’t slow down at all during it. This was my worst draft in recent memory, which is perfect, because I barely remember bidding on any of these guys.

Best Pick: Jimmy Graham. If I didn’t have him, my team would be complete shit. He will hopefully be the difference-maker that keeps me afloat.

Worst Pick: Andre Brown for $12. Bad value when I made the pick. Looks even worse now.

Starter ADP: 383.9

Bench Depth: Medium-Weak

Grade: B-

Billy/Marshall

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: You twins?

Forrest Gump: No, we are not relations Sir.

This quote goes to our second ever duo, and first multi-racial team unless you count Esco. You guys lived up to your unpredictable reputations at the draft, and I can only hope it continues during the season.

Best Pick: LeSean McCoy. I’m pretty sure you got him for like $10 less than Marshawn.

Worst Pick: Marshawn Lynch. I’m pretty sure you paid like $10 more for him than Shady.

Starter ADP: 380.2

Bench Depth: Extremely Weak

Grade: C+

Kimmel

Drill Sergeant: Gump! What's your sole purpose in this army?

Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump

This quote goes to Kimmel, who much like Forrest Gump himself, was extremely underrated going into this draft. His steals of Rodgers and the now infamous DeAngelo bid, are just two of a series of solid picks. But time will tell if this was a case of him being in the right place at the right time (as it was with Gump), or if he actually has the skills to match. Also, time will tell if Kimmel, like Gump, contracted AIDS from his wife.

Best Pick: DeAngelo Williams. Looked great at the time. Looks even better now.

Worst Pick: Maurice Jones-Drew. I have no idea what you paid for him, but his health and his shitty team have me very scared to own MJD this year.

Starter ADP: 336.8

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: A

Ajay

Forrest Gump: Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running!

It wouldn’t be a Gump quote series without some mention of running, and unfortunately this crew doesn’t give me much to work with. So this quote goes to Ajay, who has been known to run home from bars while blacked out. The real question is, did he lose his Chef Coat after less than one day?

Best Pick: Reggie Bush. He’s listed as your Flex now, but he’s really an RB2 for a great price.

Worst Pick: Michael Vick. By bidding on him, you ruled yourself out on any of the top 12 QBs automatically. He could have a great season, but he wasn’t worth more than a couple dollars.

Starter ADP: 443.2

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: C+

Gutman

Forrest Gump: So what are you doing in New York, Lt. Dan?

Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: I am living off the government tit! Sucking it dry!

This quote goes to the only FALAFEL member who is currently applying for unemployment. Keep sucking that tit Gutman!

Best Pick: T.Y. Hilton. I assume you didn't pay too much for him, and I'm a big fan of the Colts passing offense this year.

Worst Pick: Jonathan Dwyer. I loved the pick at the time, but you paid more than $1 from him, and then he got cut.

Starter ADP: 382.6

Bench Depth: Medium-Strong

Grade: B

Bennett

Forrest Gump: One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. Shoot, it even rained at night...

The only real weather quote in the movie goes to Fox 13’s Michael Bennett. You were the only league member not at the draft, and I would say that we missed you, but that’s just not true.

Best Pick: DeSean Jackson. Their defense might be terrible, but the Eagles will score a lot this year. Do you really think that Michael Vick, one of the blackest men on the planet, is going to throw to Riley Cooper?

Worst Pick: Eli Manning. Possibly the worst pick in the draft when it was made. You screwed yourself at QB, ate up valuable auction dollars, and now you have to root for the Giants.

Starter ADP: 442.1

Bench Depth: Medium-Strong

Grade: C-

Barnard

Forrest Gump: I think I ruined your roommate's bathrobe.

This quote goes to Barnard, because he definitely said this to Alexis at some point when he visited her in college. I hated this team at the draft while hammered, then changed my tune when I was hungover the next day. After completely sobering up, I stand by my initial assessment.

Best Pick: Andrew Luck. I don’t remember you getting a ton of value overall, so I’m just assuming you spent less than $18 on Luck and call that a value.

Worst Pick: Mike Wallace. As much as I’d like to see him have a big year, it’s not happening. Not to mention that whatever you spent on Wallace could have gone to a second RB. You currently have the Law Firm (who is about to lose his job to Gio Bernard), Danny Woodhead (will never be an NFL starter), LeGarrette Blount (is destined to be cut), Jonathan Stewart (out until at least Week 7), and Michael Turner (less employed than Gutman).

Starter ADP: 381

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: B-

Joseph

Forrest Gump: There was this man giving a little talk, and for some reason he was wearing an American flag for a shirt. And he liked to say the 'F word' a lot. "F this" and "F that". And everytime he said the 'F word' people, for some reason, well, they cheered.

The best ranter in the movie goes to FALAFEL’s best list-serve ranter. He may already have secured worst commissioner for his abysmal performance in setting up the league, but as long as Nick keeps sending scathing emails, his spot in the league is secure.

Best Pick/Worst Pick: Robert Griffin III/Rob Gronkowski. These two guys will determine whether you run away with the league (both are healthy), contend for the playoffs (one is healthy), or struggle to win 5 games (neither is healthy). You have stud RBs and shit for WR, so your season rests on the health of your two risks.

Starter ADP: 444.6

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: C+* (Could easily turn out to be an A or an F)

Donnie

Forrest Gump: My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

The line most associated with the Savannah scene goes to the FALAFEL member who experienced the city the most. Honestly it’s difficult to assign a quote to Donnie because I could give him literally every quote in the movie. But he said this one to me in Chippewa Square while we lamented that no one, namely Alan, was dressed as a nurse.

Best Pick: Alfred Morris. Literally no idea how much you paid, but I had him rated as my #7 RB, and I’m sure you paid less than that for him. If Arian is in fact hurt, relying on Morris isn’t bad at all.

Worst Pick: Arian Foster. A lot of question marks for what I assume was a lot of money.

Starter ADP: 380.4

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: B-

Zacherman

Bubba: Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.

This quote goes to Zacherman because just like Forrest pretty much ignores this rant by Bubba, when Z gets on a roll about how he got screwed, how good his team is, the Jets, etc. all of us pretty much tune him out. I hope Kenny Stills breaks all the records this year.

Best Pick: Chris Ivory. I know it was a homer pick, but if he’s healthy I can see a top 10 RB season for Ivory.

Worst Pick: Drew Brees. $40 is too much for a QB this year, and while I like your team overall, it could be even better.

Starter ADP: 392.8

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: B

Weissbard

Forrest Gump: Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks.

The most consistently depressing storyline in the movie (Jenny’s family situation) goes to the most consistently depressing team in the league. Weiss is currently sitting dangerously close to the Kimmel Line for his career, and this draft certainly did not help his chances. I don’t care what the ADP says, I’m not scared of Weissbard this year. At least he won the team name title.

Best Pick: Darren Sproles. And that’s probably the only pick that I would call good.

Worst Pick: DeMarco Murray. I have to assume you overpaid for him, otherwise where did all your money go?

Starter ADP: 300.2

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: B* (This grade is still too high. He will not win 6 games)

Alan

Recruit Officer: Have you given any thought to your future, son?

Forrest Gump: "Thought"?

I couldn’t really find a great quote about the Muffin Man himself, so this one goes to his team. Alan has probably my favorite set of starters in the league, especially after the Andre Brown injury, but absolutely no depth. This will be an interesting season.

Best Pick: Reggie Wayne. The Wilson pick looks better now, but Alan couldn’t have predicted Brown’s injury, if he even knew who Brown was. Wayne will be a top 10 WR this year.

Worst Pick: Tom Brady. You never want to win the bid on the first player nominated. I forget whether this was a bargain or an overpay, but either way no market had been established. Alan is lucky that this didn’t fuck his team over.

Starter ADP: 339.5

Bench Depth: Weak

Grade: A

Esco

Forrest Gump: He was from a long great military tradition. Somebody from his family had fought and died in every single American war. I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to.

This epic quote about Lieutenant Dan goes to our most consistently great performer. Esco hasn’t finished below .500 since we expanded to 14 teams, and he is poised to continue that streak this year.

Best Pick: Matt Forte. Even though we don’t do PPR, Forte should have a huge year in the new Chicago offense.

Worst Pick: Dez Bryant. I like Dez, but by taking him, you had to settle for Ryan Mathews as your RB2. I have a feeling you’ll be looking to move one of your trio of receivers after Mathews continues to disappoint.

Starter ADP: 367.4

Bench Depth: Strong

Grade: A-

Grade Summary:

1.       Kimmel – A, Starter ADP: 336.8, Bench Depth: Strong

2.       Alan – A, Starter ADP: 339.5, Bench Depth: Weak

3.       Esco – A-, Starter ADP: 367.4, Bench Depth: Strong

4.       Weissbard – B, Starter ADP: 300.2, Bench Depth: Weak

5.       Zacherman – B, Starter ADP: 392.8, Bench Depth: Strong

6.       Gutman – B, Starter ADP: 382.6, Bench Depth: Strong

7.       Donnie – B-,  Starter ADP: 380.4, Bench Depth: Weak

8.       Kumpf – B-, Starter ADP: 383.9, Bench Depth: Medium-Weak

9.       Barnard – B-, Starter ADP: 381, Bench Depth: Weak

10.   Joseph – C+, Starter ADP: 444.6, Bench Depth: Weak

11.   Billy/Marshall – C+, Starter ADP: 380.2, Bench Depth: Extremely Weak

12.   Ajay – C+, Starter ADP: 443.2, Bench Depth: Strong

13.   AGD – C, Starter ADP: 462.2, Bench Depth: Strong

14.   Bennett – C-, Starter ADP: 442.1, Bench Depth: Medium-Strong

And that’s all I have to say about that.