What a weird year it’s been. Nick and I have run train on
this league, winning a combined 21 of our 24 games, meaning that we will have a
below .500 team in the playoffs for the first time ever. Ajay started fast and
has dropped off big time, Esco started slow and has come on strong, but the
rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
That said, the playoffs start next week, and only three teams
have been eliminated. Which brings me to…
Consolation Prizes
Alan
After a miserable draft where your entire bench was made of
$1 players, you actually put together a somewhat respectable lineup.
Unfortunately, Stafford waited until November to start putting up numbers and
Spiller never quite got the ball enough be the stud that he could be, and Garcon was never healthy, so you’re
sitting at 3-9. But all is not lost, as your consolation prize is a cameo on What Would You Do! This
classic Nickelodeon show with Mark Summers will provide you with more Cream
Pies than you could ever imagine.
Billy
Everyone saw this coming from the draft, when you were
somehow involved in every single bidding war, but apparently won none of them.
Since then, you’ve made a nice resurgence, and you’ve actually scored more
points than the next kid on this list, but this was a lost year from the start
for our defending champ. If you do in fact decide to team up with Marshall next
year, I think it would make for one of the more entertaining drafts we’ve ever
had, and I’m all in for that. As for your prize, you get to spend a nice long
offseason at O’Brien House. Remember,
we’re all friends here, and we don’t want to enable you. Except that we totally
want to enable you.
Weissbard
I can’t believe I actually liked your team coming out of the
draft. There’s really not much to like, and even if all of your players stayed
healthy, there’s very little chance you would have made the playoffs anyway. Your
consolation prize is an iPod Shuffle. I know you’re into the whole
Avicii/Skrillex thing, but when I saw Avicii at ACL, it seemed like he just
made a playlist and then was jumping for an hour straight. People seemed to go
ape-shit over it though, so maybe you can be the next big EDM star. DJ Gnome-Or-H8rs sounds like one of those ridiculous guys anyway.
Week 12 Rankings
These rankings will be brief for some teams, and complicated
for others. Basically, I’ll be outlining what needs to happen for each team to
make the playoffs. Just to be clear, if any of the 5-7 teams lose, they’re out.
And the AGD/Zacherman game really could swing things for a lot of teams.
1. Kumpf – CPP: 359.77, Last Week: 1st
I have already clinched a bye. I can get the 1 seed if I
beat Kimmel, Barnard beats Nick, and I outscore Nick by 43.1.
2. Joseph – CPP: 345.90, Last Week: 2nd
Joseph has already clinched a bye. He gets the 1 seed with a
win or if I lose. If I win and he loses, he needs me to outscore him by less
than 43.1.
3. Esco – CPP: 308.02, Last Week: 3rd
Esco has clinched the playoffs. He will get the 3 seed if he
wins and Ajay loses, or if they have the same outcome and Ajay outscores him by
less than 15.6.
4. AGD – CPP: 278.98, Last Week: 4th
They need to win to have a chance, but if they do beat
Zacherman, they’re in good shape. The only way they win and don’t make the
playoffs is if two of these three happen: Barnard wins, Bennett wins and they
don’t outscore him by 15.3, or if Kimmel wins and outscores them by 3.8.
5. Kimmel – CPP: 256.40, Last Week: 5th
Same situation as AGD, he just needs to outscore them by 3.8
and have the rest of that scenario happen.
6. Bennett – CPP: 248.45, Last Week: 6th
Bennett’s points scored give him a leg up on the rest of the
5-7 teams. He still needs to win, but if he doesn’t get outscored by 15.3 or
more by the teams below him, then he should be in the playoffs.
7. Ajay – CPP: 247.11, Last Week: 7th
Ajay is locked into the 3 or 4 seed, and has basically the
opposite situation as Esco in determining that seed.
8. Zacherman – CPP: 237.27, Last Week: 9th
This is where things get interesting. Zacherman currently
has the 5th most points of the 5-7 teams, and he can only
realistically catch Donnie in points. So he needs to beat AGD, have Kimmel and
Bennett lose, have Donnie either lose or outscore Donnie by 10.2, and have New
Gutman lose or have New Gutman not outscore him by 27.1.
9. New Gutman – CPP: 231.86, Last Week: 8th
How you’re even still alive makes no sense to me with that
debacle of a team, and you need the most help of anyone to make the playoffs. You
need Zacherman to beat AGD and you need to outscore Z by 27.1, a loss by Donnie
or you outscore him by 37.3, as well as losses by Kimmel and Bennett. It would
take a Hannukah miracle.
10. Barnard – CPP: 226.07, Last Week: 10th
If you win, you’re in. If you lose, you are still in
striking distance from Bennett, AGD and Kimmel, so you either need them all to
lose, or you need to outscore them by various amounts. Then again, Nick could
just throw his matchup with you to ensure weaker team gets into the playoffs,
but that opens the door for me to take the Regular Season prize.
11. Alan – CPP: 220.40, Last Week: 11th
12. Weissbard – CPP: 191.44, Last Week: 13th
13. Donnie – CPP: 186.69, Last Week: 12th
The CPP hates you for a variety of reasons, mainly because
you’ve suffered no injuries to starters, you have left more points on the bench
than anyone, and you’ve made next to no transactions. After all that, you’re in
the playoffs if you win, Zacherman beats AGD but doesn’t outscore you by 10.2,
and Bennett and Kimmel lose. Crazier things have happened.
14. Billy – CPP: 156.82, Last Week: 14th
In addition to your Consolation Prize, you’ve also clinched
the James Barnard Memorial Last Place CPP Award. It consists of having to speak
to Barnard for 5 minutes without wanting to die.
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