I want to start by thanking everyone for all the congrats
and whatnot for my engagement last weekend. I won’t bore you all with the
details in this sacred space, but it was pretty much your standard liquor-store
proposal.
Back to football, this week we get a matchup that will
likely determine the #1 overall seed in the playoffs, as well as the possible
elimination of Billy and Alan. Let’s not waste any more time.
Week 9 Rankings
1. Joseph – CPP: 292.55, Last Week: 1st
Nick has been holding this spot down since Week 4, when he
took over for Weissbard of all people. He owes this to an extremely solid
draft, but mostly to the absurd play of the Bears D/ST. They rank as the 15th
highest-scoring player in our league, and have nearly doubled up the second
best defense. The best part about all of this will be Alan’s $10 auction bid
for them next August.
2. Kumpf – CPP: 289.94, Last Week: 2nd
The matchup of Houston and Chicago this week lines up nicely
with the Kumpf/Joseph matchup, as it puts the two best teams in the real and
fake leagues up against one another. The bye for Cobb and possible injuries to
Harvin and Hernandez leave me a bit short handed, but the Pats/Bills matchup
could give me 100 points by itself. And then there’s Doug Martin, who has
averaged a cool 43.3 points per game the last two weeks, and who I would trust
with my life at this point.
3. Esco – CPP: 256.96, Last Week: 4th
Welcome to the top 3 commish. As you can see, and as you
probably already know, there is a large gap between the top 2 teams in our
league and the rest of you guys. Nick and I likely have the byes wrapped up, so
all that matters for everyone else is being in the best possible place come
playoff time. Of the contending teams most likely to be in that place, I like
Esco’s chances the most. He’s been over 90 points in 4 of the last 5 games, and
odds are that DeMarco Murray comes back at some point this season. I would not
want to face Esco and Sir Robert in the second round.
4. Kimmel – CPP: 244.44, Last Week: 5th
With the current slides of Ajay and New Gutman, we’re left
with Kimmel in the 4-spot. With your receivers, I am still shocked that you
have been as dominant as you have been.
You have 3 of the top 17 RBs in scoring which is impressive, but only
one receiver in the top 40. The trade deadline is still two weeks away, and
you’re likely getting killed this week without your Packers, so you need a trade
more than anyone to stay in contention for the playoffs.
5. New Gutman – CPP: 233.57, Last Week: 3rd
Speaking of trades, you have one of the most interesting
situations of anyone. With MJD rotting away on your bench, and your clear needs
at pretty much every position but WR, a trade with a team that looks like a
playoff lock could save your season. If not, have fun starting Chaz Schilens
and Delone Carter.
6. Bennett – CPP: 230.22, Last Week: 8th
Last week Bennett got to be the token “Guy Who Played
Against Doug Martin” in our league, and that couldn’t have bene more perfect. I think
it’s punishment for you not changing your team name, which was terrible in
August and now is just sad. Outside of Brees and AJ, and occasionally Dez,
your team really has no starters you can be confident in. I was trying to
figure out where you went wrong, but it’s the same answer now as it was in
August: That obscene $30 Vick bid basically ruined your season. Gutman offered
you some relief in the way of a trade, but you’ve had no chance since you hit
“Bid.”
7. AGD – CPP: 229.04, Last Week: 7th
I was talking with Barnard yesterday and we both agree that
you two have the most terrifying team out there. Your top 5 players are
probably better than anyone else’s, and if it wasn’t for the shitshow that is
the Chiefs, you’d likely be higher on this list. Instead you’re left likely
needing to win out to make the playoffs, but the schedule gods have been nice
as you get no teams that are above you in CPP. At this point, your matchup with
Z in Week 13 has the looks of an elimination game.
8. Ajay – CPP: 220.89, Last Week: 6th
Your CPP trend has matched your win-loss record in going
downward, but the fact remains that, barring a 2009-Barnard collapse, you’ll be
in the playoffs. Matty Ice and Julio should be fine, and despite a rough
schedule, AP is the best back in the league, but after that there are a lot of
questions. Nicks still hasn’t come back at full strength, but Cruz doesn’t look
like the force he did even three weeks ago, Antonio Brown could be out a month,
Reggie is getting a reduced workload, and it feels like Kyle Rudolph hasn’t
caught a pass in weeks. Amendola to the rescue?
9. Zacherman – CPP: 204.02, Last Week: 9th
Your team has been toiling away at .500 all year, and while
it’s not exactly a fun position to be in, you’re still very much in the playoff
race. Injuries to Mendenhall and Jordy really hurt, but at least you have
Redman as a handcuff, and Blackmon actually found the endzone last week. As
always, your chances come down to Cam, and after Denver this week, the rest of
his games are against some pretty weak defenses. I’m not counting you out yet.
10. Alan – CPP: 187.84, Last Week: 10th
Your record is not indicative of how your team has actually
played, and in terms of points per game, you’re not that far off from New
Gutman. But this is Alan we’re talking about, and much like you were the victim
of an insidious gas-siphoning scandal during Hurricane Sandy, you can’t catch a break in
fantasy either. Having said that, your starting lineup is still legit when
Ballard is the starter, so you’ll put up a fight against anyone in the
Bottom-12.
11. Donnie – CPP: 179.20, Last Week: 13th
Look who’s on their way out of the basement. All year I’ve
said that if you ever choose the right lineup, your team can hang with anyone.
Lucky for you, a combination of byes and interesting choices (Ronnie Brown?)
moved you to a game below .500. On the downside, the schedule is rough
from here on out, and you’ll have to win three out of four if you want the
playoffs. Good luck.
12. Barnard – CPP: 178.64, Last Week: 11th
I swear that I don’t rig these formulas against your team,
but it seems like even when your roster is solid, the CPP hates you. Maybe it
can just see through your bullshit. At 4-5 and with a formidable AGD waiting
for you, you’ll need to really put your best foot forward this week. What’s
that? You’re starting Michael Bush and Dexter McCluster? I might as well give
you a consolation prize right now.
13. Weissbard – CPP: 163.96, Last Week: 12th
I don’t usually feel bad for people in fantasy other than
Alan, but this has been a rough year for you. Injuries have fucked you, and
you’ve really had no trade bait all season that wouldn’t have been selling
absurdly low. You have the rare team that has no players that are having a good
season. It's happened to all of us. Well, not really. But I’m sure it’s happened
to someone before.
14. Billy – CPP: 121.28, Last Week: 14th
Billy is actually on a 2-game win streak, believe it or not.
His 91.5 points last week were his most on the season, yet were still only good
for 9th in the league in Week 9. The CPP counts a week where you are
in the top-7 in scoring as a “win,” and amazingly enough, Billy has yet to do that.
Every other team has at least two “wins” with Nick leading the way with 7. I’ve
said it once and I’ll say it again: Don’t Drink and Draft.
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