Stevens Bowl Preview

It's been four months since Belfer literally rode a topless Alan on the floor of our apartment in Savannah. Little did I know that it would be the highlight of my season. Belfer's too for that matter, as it always sucks to lose when you have the best team. But shit happens, especially in the playoffs, and here we are with a championship matchup of Esco vs. BAM.

Wait, that's not how we do things around here. It's motherfucking Stevens Bowl!

BILLY! ESCO! MARSHALL! DIKEMBE! IT'S THE STEVENS BOWL V!

We have a few things going on this year. Billy going for his second Chef Coat. Esco looking to avenge a Stevens Bowl defeat last year. Marshall trying to be our fourth rookie champion in five years. Both of our multi-racial teams in the championship game. If this were the actual Super Bowl, I'm not sure which storyline ESPN would beat to death. So let's get to the preview:

Stevens Bowl Preview: Esco vs. BAM

Quarterbacks:
Based on the stats and the matchups, Esco has the edge here as Cam has put up yet another top-3 fantasy season. But as things usually go with Billy and Marshall, looks can be deceiving. In his road games this year, Russell Wilson has averaged 16.4 PPG. However when he plays in the madhouse in Seattle, that number jumps up to 19.8 PPG. In case you were wondering, Cam has average 19.2 PPG this year. I fully expect both of these guys to have huge games.
Edge: Even

Runningbacks:
Ordinarily, BAM has this part of the breakdown wrapped up. Shady has been RB2 on the season, with Skittles right behind him at 4. But Esco can throw up a pretty nice counterpunch here, with Forte (RB3) as well as the FJax/Mathews combo (RBs 12 and 14). It's hard relying on Mathews ever, and Jackson is constantly a threat to lose touches to Spiller or get hurt, but I'm not comfortable awarding a huge edge to BAM here. Make no mistake though, with Shady matched up against Chicago, this is position is not even.
Edge: BAM

Wide Receivers/Tight Ends:
At receiver, Esco has an astronomical edge, but there are some caveats. First, Esco needs to hope that Philly is trailing so that DeSean can steal some touches from Shady. Next, whatever happened with Demaryius last week cannot happen again. And finally, the Colston/James Jones combo for BAM is possibly as good as it's been all year. Colston has 17 receptions, 200+ yards and 3 TDs in his last two games, and Jones will likely be getting Rodgers back. I ordinarily hate BAM starting Brandon LaFell, but there is always the chance that he counteracts some of Cam's points, a fine bit of gamesmanship in any matchup, let alone the Stevens Bowl.

As for TE, this is where it gets interesting. Esco's decision between Pitta and Cameron notwithstanding, BAM has Vernon Davis going as the last player on either side. We saw both the Buttholes and Weissbard fall short with the last player left last week, but it certainly makes things interesting. I'm not sure how big a lead Esco would need to have going into MNF to feel comfortable, but I guarantee it's more than 25.
Edge: Esco

Defense:
Neither team here is playing a stud defense. Esco is starting San Diego over his typical Arizona D, but I agree with the move, as if Seattle destroys AZ at home (which I think they will), then not only will Wilson and Skittles put up good numbers, but the Cards D will also suffer. I like the SD matchup with Oakland, but the Chargers have a unique ability to suck at the worst possible times. As for BAM, they're starting the Bills D against a Miami team that just upset the Pats. And I love it. This is the type of game that Miami is destined to blow, and Tannehill has all the makings of a 4 turnover game in cold weather. I don't think the defenses swing this matchup one way or the other, and that's a good thing.
Edge: Even

Discussion:
I've gone 1-3 in playoff predictions this year, so this whole thing may be a giant waste of time, other than giving Gutman something to read while he's trying to poop as quickly as possible. The matchup will determined on SNF, with Shady going up against Forte/DeSean. Even if Esco comes out of that game with a decent lead, the Falcons have been miserable at stopping anyone this year, so I think Vernon gives BAM the win. And in case you were wondering, yes, I'm picking them solely so we can see this with the Chef Coat at the draft next year.

Verdict: BAM in a close one.

It's also worth noting that the Wessibard/Buttholes matchup will determine who the final Division Captain is this year, so that game does have some value. As you might imagine, I'm picking the Buttholes in a blowout.

I'm en route to Jersey as we speak, so maybe I'll see some of you over the next couple weeks. Or maybe not. Either way...

BILLY! ESCO! MARSHALL! DIKEMBE! IT'S THE STEVENS BOWL V!