Week 5 CPP Rankings

This week we get our first set of guest rankings, brought to you by none other than our Commish. They have been edited for formatting, but not for spelling, capitalization, or grammer. Obviously:

1. Esco - CPP: 211.25, Last Week: 1st

How dare you give me a B in that trade with zball. Ray ray is a champ and will lead the dingleberry nation back from the dead. More on that later. Your teams not that good and you’ve been getting lucky. Your luck finally caught up with you this week and I predict more losses to come especially in week 9. No idea how you lost and your cpp shit went up. Probably because these rankings are retarded. And I heard you’re a premature ejaculator. If I was a fruitcake who communicated in gifs I’d post one of a Mexican eating a bag of dicks. You’ll all just have to use your imagination.

2. Kumpf - CPP: 207.98, Last Week: 2^nd

Guess how much I care about whether you think I could do better naming my division? About as much as I care about some dumbass 4-way trade. You need to not be starting benny agbayani’s cousin chris. Ill give you Donald brown for cecil. And I’ll throw in 2 wings (not drumsticks) at winter meetings. Come on bro. your team is pretty solid actually, relatively balanced. If cj2k wasn’t such an enormous pussy you’d be better. You’re pretty weak at rb, but I guess so are most people in this league. Big matchup against weezlebeezle this week, if you can pick up the W with natty ice and lamar on byes you’ll be in good shape going forward.

3. AGD - CPP: 205.25, Last Week: 3^rd

After numerous rounds of trade talks with ding-tap broke down last week, you got a nice victory over the worst franchise in falafel history. Solid waiver pickup with Stacey. Good luck figuring out who to start between him and Richardson for the rest of the year. I feel like you guys might be the team whose managers weigh the least in the league even though theres two of you. Did we ever decide to take you guys off probation?

4. Weissbard - CPP: 186.48, Last Week: 5^th

Your team is actually pretty good, and usually you are pretty bad at fantasy football. You should stop being such a bitch and sending out general requests that people offer you trades and man up and trade for a decent rb. You’re gonna have to overpay, just fucking do it. Try kimmel hes handing out RBs like they’re jujubes. This might sound cray but you might wanna trade peyton. His stock will never be higher and you could get a package of gold for him right now. If only your roster and your general persona lived up to your amazing team name. ya slapdick.

5. Ajay - CPP: 161.68, Last Week: 4^th

I still can’t believe how fucked up you were when I found you on the street that night. I want to meet the kids who made you rip shots and then left you alone too plastered to get in a cab and/or stem the steady flow of fecal leakage. I feel like I’d get along with them. Your team is decent but you’re still brown. At least you’re not muffin. Also sick lineup decisions last week dumbass.

6. Bennett - CPP: 159.76, Last Week: 6^th

If I finish with a worse record than you I might kill myself. Can’t believe you lost to Donnie who might be the worst 4-1 team in fantasy history. Im really gonna fuck your life up when I go down to tampa in march. My goal is to get you at least evicted and maybe stabbed. I wish you participated on the listserv more so I had more opportunities to laugh at you, but I understand why you choose not to given your profound lack of wit or valuable insight. Cathy told me you have the tiniest dick shes ever seen. Did you know bilal powell hails from the village where they shot “the air up there”? true story. Your team really sucks a fat dick and will likely drop precipitously in the standings, so enjoy being over .500 and relevant while it lasts. I’m on to you weatherman.

7. Gutman - CPP: 155.91, Last Week: 12^th

God I was so happy to see ridley be inactive after I traded him to you. It’s really a special kind of feeling. Cant be easily simulated outside of the fantasy context. I guess if you’re banging a chick and drop her and your buddy starts hitting it and she gains 60 pounds that would be close, but I feel like this is better. Don’t even care if that trade turns out in your favor, the joy I got from ridley being out makes it worthwhile. I will say however that the fact that you would have beaten me with just your TE, flex, d/st and kicker mitigates my joy significantly. If rivers comes down with syphilis after playing in Oakland it will be like chanukah came early. Loser of your/barnards matchup this week is probably done.

8. Joseph - CPP: 155.73, Last Week: 9^th

I don’t care if I’m 1-4, I’m about to rape all of you. After an admittedly subpar draft effort where I actually forgot to bid on WRs and literally spent half my budget on RGIII, ahmad and ridley, I basically turned over my entire lineup last week and I think I’m ready to dominate. Espn agrees as im favored by 37.8 against the “4-1” Donnie. I basically need to go 7-1 though, so I’m on extremely thin ice. If I somehow sneak into the playoffs though you’re all fucked. The fantasy gods continued to torture me last week, dangling an undeserved victory in front of me against black nutz and then snatching it away in the form of schaub having one of the worst fantasy performances I’ve witnessed. crazy shit can always happen when you’re playing against the luckiest bastard in falafel history, but I feel confident going into this matchup with my revamped lineup.

9. BAM - CPP: 150.72, Last Week: 7^th

You guys are almost as lucky as Donnie to be 4-1. Looking at your lineup it seems like it should be one of the better teams in the league, but its just been under achieving. I have to be honest, I’m rooting against you guys all year because I’d rather see you two dress up like women than reap/belfer, especially since it would be only a mild deviation from normal for reap. Your RBs are dirty and you have better depth than most, I’d say if you could trade for an upgrade at QB without giving up one of your two starting RBs you’d be a real contender. However, given how unintelligible your responses were to my trade overtures recently, I’d tend to doubt your ability to do so. Marshall please stay active on the listserv, your emails are one of only a handful of things related to fantasy or real football that aren’t a source of misery for me these days.

10. Zacherman - CPP: 148.88, Last Week: 11^th

boy did I feel better about our trade after everyone’s performance this past week. Although I kind of wish I hadn’t thrown in harry douglas now that julios dead. Just the fact that I didn’t have to wait until yesterday at noon to see schaub removed from my team made it worthwhile. I think it helped both of us though, jamal is a straight up g and you have the depth to take the hit at WR. By the way, can we can an update on kimmel (the real kimmel)? I’m assuming you’re still in contact with your former butt buddy. Is he alive? Does he have any thoughts or feelings on being unceremoniously booted for steve Levine? Also I think if you lose to new kimmel this week you should be kicked out of the league.

11. Barnard - CPP: 147.21, Last Week: 8^th

You really need to stop writing those stupid fucking awards emails. I never knew someone could try so hard to be funny and still fail so miserably. I have about as much respect for you as the average dude in the espn cafeteria has for john brenkus. To make matters worse your current lineup has replaced mine as the biggest abomination in the league, and you definitely have the smallest dick in the league. god you’re annoying. On the plus side I’ve thoroughly enjoyed our lack of gchat interaction recently, lets keep that going.

12. Alan - CPP: 130.07, Last Week: 10^th

Glad to see you filled out your last roster spot muff. However, the fact that you have totally neglected to make a team name is really a slap in the face to the rest of the league, especially those of us who have gone to the trouble to even upload a team picture (me, Donnie and the gay twins; I don’t count gutman and zball because theirs are lame). Even Bennett made some incredibly dumb team name to remind us how much of an idiot he is, you cant do your part? I know you’re all hot shit now because you’re dating chicks and living in an apartment and trying to get people to call you alan and everything, but how about throwing us little people a bone once in a while. At least you paid $30 to pick up a dude that no one else bid on, so that was pretty amusing. You might not win another game.

13. Donnie - CPP: 129.05, Last Week: 13^th

You motherfucker. How the fuck do you do it? I don’t know how this cpp works but all I know is you have the 4^th fewest points in the league and are tied for the league’s best record. Looks like your luck may have run out though with Julio going down. I was going to make fun of you for bidding $77 on keenan allen, but then I saw your other WRs and now I get it. Sidebet proposal: loser this week has to nair their nutsack on video and send it to barnard.

14. Kimmel - CPP: 126.22, Last Week: 14th

Get your shit together dude. This could end up being the shortest stint ever in falafel, even chris long made it through a couple seasons before he got booted. When I look at your lineup I have to wonder who you used all your draft dollars on, especially since I remember you got deangelo for like 3 cents. Must really suck for you living with esco on Sundays given how vastly inferior you are to him in fantasy, and must really suck living with amir any day. I feel for you bro.