Week 12 CPP Rankings

What a weird year it’s been. Nick and I have run train on this league, winning a combined 21 of our 24 games, meaning that we will have a below .500 team in the playoffs for the first time ever. Ajay started fast and has dropped off big time, Esco started slow and has come on strong, but the rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

That said, the playoffs start next week, and only three teams have been eliminated. Which brings me to…

Consolation Prizes

Alan

After a miserable draft where your entire bench was made of $1 players, you actually put together a somewhat respectable lineup. Unfortunately, Stafford waited until November to start putting up numbers and Spiller never quite got the ball enough be the stud that he could be, and Garcon was never healthy, so you’re sitting at 3-9. But all is not lost, as your consolation prize is a cameo on What Would You Do! This classic Nickelodeon show with Mark Summers will provide you with more Cream Pies than you could ever imagine.

Billy

Everyone saw this coming from the draft, when you were somehow involved in every single bidding war, but apparently won none of them. Since then, you’ve made a nice resurgence, and you’ve actually scored more points than the next kid on this list, but this was a lost year from the start for our defending champ. If you do in fact decide to team up with Marshall next year, I think it would make for one of the more entertaining drafts we’ve ever had, and I’m all in for that. As for your prize, you get to spend a nice long offseason at O’Brien House. Remember, we’re all friends here, and we don’t want to enable you. Except that we totally want to enable you.

Weissbard

I can’t believe I actually liked your team coming out of the draft. There’s really not much to like, and even if all of your players stayed healthy, there’s very little chance you would have made the playoffs anyway. Your consolation prize is an iPod Shuffle. I know you’re into the whole Avicii/Skrillex thing, but when I saw Avicii at ACL, it seemed like he just made a playlist and then was jumping for an hour straight. People seemed to go ape-shit over it though, so maybe you can be the next big EDM star. DJ Gnome-Or-H8rs sounds like one of those ridiculous guys anyway.

Week 12 Rankings

These rankings will be brief for some teams, and complicated for others. Basically, I’ll be outlining what needs to happen for each team to make the playoffs. Just to be clear, if any of the 5-7 teams lose, they’re out. And the AGD/Zacherman game really could swing things for a lot of teams.

1.       Kumpf – CPP: 359.77, Last Week: 1^st

I have already clinched a bye. I can get the 1 seed if I beat Kimmel, Barnard beats Nick, and I outscore Nick by 43.1.

2.       Joseph – CPP: 345.90, Last Week: 2^nd

Joseph has already clinched a bye. He gets the 1 seed with a win or if I lose. If I win and he loses, he needs me to outscore him by less than 43.1.

3.       Esco – CPP: 308.02, Last Week: 3^rd

Esco has clinched the playoffs. He will get the 3 seed if he wins and Ajay loses, or if they have the same outcome and Ajay outscores him by less than 15.6.

4.       AGD – CPP: 278.98, Last Week: 4^th

They need to win to have a chance, but if they do beat Zacherman, they’re in good shape. The only way they win and don’t make the playoffs is if two of these three happen: Barnard wins, Bennett wins and they don’t outscore him by 15.3, or if Kimmel wins and outscores them by 3.8.

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 256.40, Last Week: 5^th

Same situation as AGD, he just needs to outscore them by 3.8 and have the rest of that scenario happen.

6.       Bennett – CPP: 248.45, Last Week: 6^th

Bennett’s points scored give him a leg up on the rest of the 5-7 teams. He still needs to win, but if he doesn’t get outscored by 15.3 or more by the teams below him, then he should be in the playoffs.

7.       Ajay – CPP: 247.11, Last Week: 7^th

Ajay is locked into the 3 or 4 seed, and has basically the opposite situation as Esco in determining that seed.

8.       Zacherman – CPP: 237.27, Last Week: 9^th

This is where things get interesting. Zacherman currently has the 5^th most points of the 5-7 teams, and he can only realistically catch Donnie in points. So he needs to beat AGD, have Kimmel and Bennett lose, have Donnie either lose or outscore Donnie by 10.2, and have New Gutman lose or have New Gutman not outscore him by 27.1.

9.       New Gutman – CPP: 231.86, Last Week: 8^th

How you’re even still alive makes no sense to me with that debacle of a team, and you need the most help of anyone to make the playoffs. You need Zacherman to beat AGD and you need to outscore Z by 27.1, a loss by Donnie or you outscore him by 37.3, as well as losses by Kimmel and Bennett. It would take a Hannukah miracle.

10.   Barnard – CPP: 226.07, Last Week: 10^th

If you win, you’re in. If you lose, you are still in striking distance from Bennett, AGD and Kimmel, so you either need them all to lose, or you need to outscore them by various amounts. Then again, Nick could just throw his matchup with you to ensure weaker team gets into the playoffs, but that opens the door for me to take the Regular Season prize.

11.   Alan – CPP: 220.40, Last Week: 11^th

12.   Weissbard – CPP: 191.44, Last Week: 13^th

13.   Donnie – CPP: 186.69, Last Week: 12^th

The CPP hates you for a variety of reasons, mainly because you’ve suffered no injuries to starters, you have left more points on the bench than anyone, and you’ve made next to no transactions. After all that, you’re in the playoffs if you win, Zacherman beats AGD but doesn’t outscore you by 10.2, and Bennett and Kimmel lose. Crazier things have happened.

14.   Billy – CPP: 156.82, Last Week: 14^th

In addition to your Consolation Prize, you’ve also clinched the James Barnard Memorial Last Place CPP Award. It consists of having to speak to Barnard for 5 minutes without wanting to die.

Week 11 CPP Rankings

It’s Thanksgiving. We don’t have work. I don’t feel like a full write-up. So here are some fun facts and the rankings and I’ll be back with full write-ups next weeks.

CPP Fun Facts:

·         The only two teams who haven’t lost a clear starter to injury are Joseph and Donnie.

·         Weissbard has accrued the most Injury Points with 53.63, followed by Alan and Zacherman, who are both in the low 30s.

·         Joseph has been in the top 7 in scoring a league leading 9 times, followed by Esco, AGD and Kumpf with 8.

·         Billy has only been in the top 7 once (last week), with the next lowest being Weissbard and Alan with 3.

·          Ajay and Billy have been the luckiest teams in terms of matchups, with 2 more Actual Wins than Expected Wins.

·         AGD has been the unluckiest team in terms of matchups, with 3 more Expected Wins than Actual Wins.

·         The three most consistently high scoring teams are Kumpf, Joseph and Kimmel, who have each never scored less than 71.8 points.

·         The three most consistently low scoring teams are Alan, Billy and Gutman, who have each never scored more than 103.1 points.

Week 11 Rankings

1.       Kumpf - CPP: 338.21, Last Week: 2^nd

2.       Joseph – CPP: 334.78, Last Week: 1^st

3.       Esco – CPP: 308.86, Last Week: 3^rd

4.       AGD – CPP: 281.02, Last Week: 4^th

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 263.93, Last Week: 5^th

6.       Bennett – CPP: 254.22, Last Week:  8^th

7.       Ajay – CPP: 249.34, Last Week: 6^th

8.       New Gutman – CPP: 242.64, Last Week: 7^th

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 219.28, Last Week: 9^th

10.   Barnard – CPP: 215.77, Last Week: 12^th

11.   Alan – CPP: 208.22, Last Week: 10^th

12.   Donnie – CPP: 192.11, Last Week: 11^th

13.   Weissbard – CPP: 174.06, Last Week: 13^th

14.   Billy – CPP: 143.03, Last Week: 14^th

That’s all this week, Happy Thanksgiving assholes.

Week 10 CPP Rankings

No time for small talk this week, on to the rankings.

Week 10 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 315.11, Last Week: 1^st

If there was ever a week for Nick to fall from the top spot in the actual standings, it would have been last week against me. Even if he lost to me, he still clearly has the best team, so he owns this spot in the CPP for the rest of the season as far as I’m concerned. Despite getting next to nothing from his receivers, Nick’s trio of RBs and the ageless Tony G would have been enough to get past most teams in the league by themselves. And if he had started his “optimal” lineup (which would have included Cecil Shorts and Tampa’s D), he would have had nearly 150 points. You have clinched the playoffs, and your Magic Number for clinching a bye is 2. Playoff Odds: 100%

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 312.33, Last Week: 2^nd

I may have lost to Nick, but I put up nearly 100, which allowed me to somewhat keep pace with Ajay in the battle for the second bye. I’m not making excuses, but being without Harvin, Cobb and Hernandez was less than ideal and hopefully will not be the case in a possible Stevens Bowl re-match. Additionally, my guarantee of making the playoffs for the first time this year is complete, and I will likely start resting my guys for a deep run. Playoff Odds: 100%

3.       Esco – CPP: 283.37, Last Week: 3^rd

Esco had an impressive performance against Donnie last week, highlighted by Joe Flacco’s breaking 30 fantasy points for the first and last time in his career. The only real weakness on your team is TE, where the twice-concussed Brandon Myers is your only player rostered. Outside of that, this is a legit contender, with solid starters at every position when they’re healthy. I have a weird feeling that you’ll make a nice playoff run, only to lose after RG3 gets hurt in the first quarter against the Browns. Playoff Odds: 87%

4.       AGD – CPP: 253.58, Last Week: 7^th

My favorite part of the compiling the CPP each week is to see where you guys end up. One week you break 110 and end up in the top 5, the next you don’t even hit 60 points and fall to 11^th. Your remarkable inconsistency is truly awe-inspiring. Last week you destroyed a hapless Barnard team thanks almost entirely to Calvin, Peyton and Demaryius. To make the playoffs, you’ll need more consistent performances from your RBs, and you need to jump Bennett as well as Kimmel or New Gutman. It won’t be easy, but your schedule isn’t too rough. Playoff Odds: 45%

5.       Kimmel – CPP: 252.72, Last Week: 4^th

After a nice stretch where you won 5 of 6, your playoff quest came to a screeching halt thanks to Alan last week. No one steals an Alan-69 and gets away with it! I have to commend you on the Chris Ivory pickup, as he gives you a chance without CJ this week. If you had listened to me and made a trade for a receiver earlier in the season (or even now), I would be more optimistic about you finally making the playoffs. But with Stephen Hill and Emmanuel Sanders starting for you, and games against Esco and myself on tap, I can’t kid myself. Playoff Odds: 40%

6.       Ajay – CPP: 249.61, Last Week: 8^th

I know you think the CPP hates you, and I understand why, as you’re in third place in the standings and you just clinched the playoffs. Looking at the data, the factors that hurt you are your lack of trades, and the fact that you’ve been in the top 7 in scoring just 6 times, which is less than 4 other teams, suggesting you’ve been a bit lucky in terms of the schedule. Regardless, you’re only 4 CPP points out of 4^th place, and as I said, your only concern now is if you can get that second bye. Playoff Odds: 100%

7.       New Gutman – CPP: 236.34, Last Week: 5^th

When I typed your name in the AGD section earlier, I forgot to include the word “New” and Microsoft Word put a red squiggly line under your name. I was shocked that Word had learned me so well as to know that you are in fact only referred to as New Gutman at this point. When I fixed my error, there was still a squiggly line under your name, but I was happier. I mention all this because your team is a mess right now. Decker and Austin will get back on track, but you started Shane Vereen, Donald Brown and Chaz Schilens last week. This team is moving the wrong way, and you’ll need to win 2 of 3 to make the playoffs. Playoff Odds: 40%

8.       Bennett – CPP: 235.07, Last Week: 6^th

That was a season-saving win for you last week, but you still aren’t in great shape. Fred Jackson had a huge game, but he’s concussed and just not as good as Spiller, so I expect him to be useless from here on out. That leaves you with Joique Bell and LaRod Stephens-Howling as your RB2 options, also known as “backup runningbacks.” The only chance you have is because Drew Brees is amazing and has single handedly kept the Saints alive. He might be able to do the same to your squad. Playoff Odds: 25%

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 223.20, Last Week: 9^th

On the surface it was a tough loss for you last week while putting up 95 points, but looking deeper you were lucky to have it be that close. You got an absurd 27 points from the Broncos D/ST, and if they had put up even 15 points, still a great number for a defense, you’re back in the 80s. Looking ahead, you face a trio of 4-6 teams, two of which you’re clearly better than. If you win the games you’re supposed to, and then upset AGD, you’re in the playoffs. Better hope Jordy, Mendenhall and Bradshaw are healthy because you’ll need them. Playoffs Odds: 30%

10.   Alan – CPP: 206.42, Last Week: 10^th

We may have found our spoiler team of 2012. Though his odds of making the playoffs are next to nothing, he gets the chance to fuck with the seeding of Esco and myself, and possibly eliminate New Gutman in Week 13. This after avenging the 69 that got away, and with CJ Spiller starting. You may not be headed anywhere this year, but at least you have something to play for these last three weeks. Playoff Odds: 2%

11.   Donnie – CPP: 184.01, Last Week: 11^th

After the draft, I thought your 2-TE strategy was smart, so smart that I mimicked it. Turns out you just chose the wrong guys. If either Vernon or Jermichael lived up to their potential, or even their Madden ability, this year, I think you would be in a much better place. Instead, you have to go through me and Ajay, as well as New Gutman, in your last three weeks, needing to win 2 of 3 at least. Unless there is a little-known rule that turns these matchups into Movie Games, I think you’re out of luck. Playoff Odds: 15%

12.   Barnard – CPP: 181.15, Last Week: 12^th

What is it about your fantasy teams in general where you always end up scoring under 70 points multiple times per year? Do you pick your bye weeks wrong? Do you draft based on Madden speed? Are you for some reason sold on Dexter McCluster? Regardless, you need to win out to make the playoffs, and you have Nick the final week of the regular season. Maybe he’ll take it easy on you. Playoff Odds: 10%

13.   Weissbard – CPP: 167.35, Last Week: 13^th

You got a win while scoring 64 points. That will never happen again, unless you face Billy in the playof..well, nevermind. Sitting at 4-6 and with three 4-6 teams left to play, you’re actually pretty close to controlling your own destiny. The only problem is that your team is terrible. It was nice to see Nicks and Maclin looking good last week, and it appears that Andre Brown is startable every week, but outside of that you don’t have much. Playoff Odds: 5%

14.   Billy – CPP: 118.33, Last Week: 14^th

Come on Billy, you’re better than that. Leaving multiple bye week players in your lineup last week? That’s some Chris Long shit. What’s that? You started an actual roster and it only scored 42 points? Then that’s some Barnard shit. Players I would have dropped instead of Sproles: Brent Celek, Nate Washington, Dan Bailey, Dennis Pitta, Andre Roberts, Shaun Draughn, Jackie Battle, Titus Young, Saints D/ST, Taiwan Jones. That’s correct, our defending champ straight up dropped his sixth best player. Look out for your consolation prize next week. Playoff Odds: 1%

Week 9 CPP Rankings

I want to start by thanking everyone for all the congrats and whatnot for my engagement last weekend. I won’t bore you all with the details in this sacred space, but it was pretty much your standard liquor-store proposal.

Back to football, this week we get a matchup that will likely determine the #1 overall seed in the playoffs, as well as the possible elimination of Billy and Alan. Let’s not waste any more time.

Week 9 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 292.55, Last Week: 1^st

Nick has been holding this spot down since Week 4, when he took over for Weissbard of all people. He owes this to an extremely solid draft, but mostly to the absurd play of the Bears D/ST. They rank as the 15^th highest-scoring player in our league, and have nearly doubled up the second best defense. The best part about all of this will be Alan’s $10 auction bid for them next August.

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 289.94, Last Week: 2^nd

The matchup of Houston and Chicago this week lines up nicely with the Kumpf/Joseph matchup, as it puts the two best teams in the real and fake leagues up against one another. The bye for Cobb and possible injuries to Harvin and Hernandez leave me a bit short handed, but the Pats/Bills matchup could give me 100 points by itself. And then there’s Doug Martin, who has averaged a cool 43.3 points per game the last two weeks, and who I would trust with my life at this point.

3.       Esco – CPP: 256.96, Last Week: 4^th

Welcome to the top 3 commish. As you can see, and as you probably already know, there is a large gap between the top 2 teams in our league and the rest of you guys. Nick and I likely have the byes wrapped up, so all that matters for everyone else is being in the best possible place come playoff time. Of the contending teams most likely to be in that place, I like Esco’s chances the most. He’s been over 90 points in 4 of the last 5 games, and odds are that DeMarco Murray comes back at some point this season. I would not want to face Esco and Sir Robert in the second round.

4.       Kimmel – CPP: 244.44, Last Week: 5^th

With the current slides of Ajay and New Gutman, we’re left with Kimmel in the 4-spot. With your receivers, I am still shocked that you have been as dominant as you have been.  You have 3 of the top 17 RBs in scoring which is impressive, but only one receiver in the top 40. The trade deadline is still two weeks away, and you’re likely getting killed this week without your Packers, so you need a trade more than anyone to stay in contention for the playoffs.

5.       New Gutman – CPP: 233.57, Last Week: 3^rd

Speaking of trades, you have one of the most interesting situations of anyone. With MJD rotting away on your bench, and your clear needs at pretty much every position but WR, a trade with a team that looks like a playoff lock could save your season. If not, have fun starting Chaz Schilens and Delone Carter.

6.       Bennett – CPP: 230.22, Last Week: 8^th

Last week Bennett got to be the token “Guy Who Played Against Doug Martin” in our league, and that couldn’t have bene more perfect. I think it’s punishment for you not changing your team name, which was terrible in August and now is just sad. Outside of Brees and AJ, and occasionally Dez, your team really has no starters you can be confident in. I was trying to figure out where you went wrong, but it’s the same answer now as it was in August: That obscene $30 Vick bid basically ruined your season. Gutman offered you some relief in the way of a trade, but you’ve had no chance since you hit “Bid.”

7.       AGD – CPP: 229.04, Last Week: 7^th

I was talking with Barnard yesterday and we both agree that you two have the most terrifying team out there. Your top 5 players are probably better than anyone else’s, and if it wasn’t for the shitshow that is the Chiefs, you’d likely be higher on this list. Instead you’re left likely needing to win out to make the playoffs, but the schedule gods have been nice as you get no teams that are above you in CPP. At this point, your matchup with Z in Week 13 has the looks of an elimination game.

8.       Ajay – CPP: 220.89, Last Week: 6^th

Your CPP trend has matched your win-loss record in going downward, but the fact remains that, barring a 2009-Barnard collapse, you’ll be in the playoffs. Matty Ice and Julio should be fine, and despite a rough schedule, AP is the best back in the league, but after that there are a lot of questions. Nicks still hasn’t come back at full strength, but Cruz doesn’t look like the force he did even three weeks ago, Antonio Brown could be out a month, Reggie is getting a reduced workload, and it feels like Kyle Rudolph hasn’t caught a pass in weeks. Amendola to the rescue?

9.       Zacherman – CPP: 204.02, Last Week: 9^th

Your team has been toiling away at .500 all year, and while it’s not exactly a fun position to be in, you’re still very much in the playoff race. Injuries to Mendenhall and Jordy really hurt, but at least you have Redman as a handcuff, and Blackmon actually found the endzone last week. As always, your chances come down to Cam, and after Denver this week, the rest of his games are against some pretty weak defenses. I’m not counting you out yet.

10.   Alan – CPP: 187.84, Last Week: 10^th

Your record is not indicative of how your team has actually played, and in terms of points per game, you’re not that far off from New Gutman. But this is Alan we’re talking about, and much like you were the victim of an insidious gas-siphoning scandal during Hurricane Sandy, you can’t catch a break in fantasy either. Having said that, your starting lineup is still legit when Ballard is the starter, so you’ll put up a fight against anyone in the Bottom-12.

11.   Donnie – CPP: 179.20, Last Week: 13^th

Look who’s on their way out of the basement. All year I’ve said that if you ever choose the right lineup, your team can hang with anyone. Lucky for you, a combination of byes and interesting choices (Ronnie Brown?) moved you to a game below .500. On the downside, the schedule is rough from here on out, and you’ll have to win three out of four if you want the playoffs. Good luck.

12.   Barnard – CPP: 178.64, Last Week: 11^th

I swear that I don’t rig these formulas against your team, but it seems like even when your roster is solid, the CPP hates you. Maybe it can just see through your bullshit. At 4-5 and with a formidable AGD waiting for you, you’ll need to really put your best foot forward this week. What’s that? You’re starting Michael Bush and Dexter McCluster? I might as well give you a consolation prize right now.

13.   Weissbard – CPP: 163.96, Last Week: 12^th

I don’t usually feel bad for people in fantasy other than Alan, but this has been a rough year for you. Injuries have fucked you, and you’ve really had no trade bait all season that wouldn’t have been selling absurdly low. You have the rare team that has no players that are having a good season. It's happened to all of us. Well, not really. But I’m sure it’s happened to someone before.

14.   Billy – CPP: 121.28, Last Week: 14^th

Billy is actually on a 2-game win streak, believe it or not. His 91.5 points last week were his most on the season, yet were still only good for 9^th in the league in Week 9. The CPP counts a week where you are in the top-7 in scoring as a “win,” and amazingly enough, Billy has yet to do that. Every other team has at least two “wins” with Nick leading the way with 7. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Don’t Drink and Draft.

Week 8 CPP Rankings

Another busy week for me, so no write-ups again. I hope all of you East Coasters are making it through this Sandy bullshit okay.

Week 8 Rankings
1. Joseph - CPP: 263.76, Last Week: 1st
2. Kumpf - CPP: 260.20, Last Week: 2nd
3. New Gutman - CPP: 233.05, Last Week: 4th
4. Esco - CPP: 227.94, Last Week: 3rd
5. Kimmel - CPP: 220.25, Last Week: 7th
6. Ajay - CPP: 213.17, Last Week: 5th
7. AGD - CPP: 208.58, Last Week: 8th
8. Bennett - CPP: 205.51, Last Week: 6th
9. Zacherman - CPP: 198.70, Last Week: 9th
10. Alan - CPP: 181.98, Last Week: 10th
11. Barnard - CPP: 178.82, Last Week: 12th
12. Weissbard - CPP: 162.95, Last Week: 11th
13. Donnie - CPP: 157.45, Last Week: 13th
14. Billy - CPP: 108.19, Last Week: 14th

Back with full write-ups next week.