Editor's Note: Weissbard submitted a blog for this week. As always, this option is available to anyone. I won't edit or censor too much.
What a start to the season. The Giants actually won twice in a row, and even the same day as Arsenal which I don’t think has ever happened in all my years of being a sports fan. My first full season of gambling has gotten off to a not great start (though as of now I am outperforming Barnard, which doesn’t say much). My fantasy season off to an arguably worse start with one of my starting RBs getting shot and also on the Commanders. Maybe my strategy of “steal Washington players from Marco in the draft only to trade them to him week 7” will finally backfire. But this isn’t my personal diary right? We got a full league of teams to go through. And with our noble commish dealing with slightly more important things in life such as buying a privacy screen cover for his laptop so Vinny Chase doesn’t mock his teams, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the blogging ring.
I’m pretty sure I’ve thrown this disclaimer in any previous blog/trade posts, but I admittedly do not have huge football knowledge (see my point about gambling above). I definitely don’t have any sort of algorithm, metrics, rankings, movie quotes, or anything else even remotely scientific. I don’t even know how I’ll rank the teams. I guess just overall standings ESPN has? That’s part of the excitement, no one, including myself, really knows where this is going to go. Anyway, let it rip (boom, already hit you with a TV quote. Watch The Bear on Hulu if you haven’t, it’s very solid)
1. Zball – Z’s team has been an absolute wagon this year. I don’t know if he actually brought 20 outfits to Austin, but it seems plausible given how much he knew he’d be sweating. It definitely is better than his cryptic “better than 49 top chard” or whatever it was last year. He’s the only team to put up 100+ points in each week so far. 3 points away in week 3 from being high scorer 2 out of 3 weeks. Is this the year Z finally gets to join the champion WhatsApp group??
Looking at Z’s actual team, Russ is so fucking atrocious. J-Rob has been wonderful but Cordarrelle doesn’t excite me (note: he’s currently 5th ranked rb ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) and I think pollard is actually better than Zeke. His WR and Kelce alone can get him 60 a week, but I think needs a turnaround from Russ to be ship-worthy.
2. Barndogs – Not surprising he’s the one to bust out the MS joke. In his defense, Kumpf has made several himself and Marco now throws them out regularly. There probably were better ways to go about it though, the name is incredibly awkward to say and I didn’t get it at first. I thought it was some sort of scissoring with bros/joseph joke or something I dunno. The only other 3-0 team, Barnard is living and dying by his Allen/Diggs stack, which isn’t the worst thing in the world. As long as Chubb keeps Hunt away he can keep up his #1 numbers, but Monty being out isn’t ideal and I honestly have no idea what’s going on with Jacobs. Need to pray that Mitch gets taken out for Freiermuth’s sake and then Theilz has Cousins throwing to him? Meh. Otherwise JuJu stinks, and Golladay may be worse to have on your bench than OBJ. Looking ahead, bills playoff schedule is Dolphins, Bears, Bengals so I think if you make the playoffs (which you should) you’ll get some nice points out of them. Team still doesn’t excite me though
3. BMO? Am I missing something that Joe Buck is supposed to sound like? Go Fuck on these nuts? I think we all know between Bennett and Mejia who made this name. One of the lowest points scored through 3 games and the lowest points against. I know after my finals run last year I can’t complain, but yeesh. I actually don’t mind the team though (starting lineup at least). Mahomes can obviously put up monster numbers each week, Cook when healthy is solid, Javonte can be solid if broncos stop being complete trash and fire their coach already, DeVonta is unfortunately good and scary Terry will be getting lots of garbage time points. That being said, those are lots of “ifs” to happen. Cook already is hurt, Broncos still stink, and Eagles really haven’t played anyone good yet. As with most teams in our stupid 14 team league, the bench isn’t great but I don’t think you’d be happy having to play any one of those players. Pray your players stay healthy and that Gordon gets hurt. Otherwise I see missing the playoffs in your future.
4. Alan – A classic team name from last year that only about 3 people understood but that’s never stopped Alan before. I’m just looking forward to grudge Alan changing the team name to something wildly, aggressively mean. I’m assuming Esco will set him off at some point in the season. Talkin bout Al’s players, he round out the top 3 in scoring. Lamar has obviously been absurd and you have to think he’ll keep playing lights out for that big contract. Even with an injury, Lawrence is a serviceable backup. Some are even saying he’s Waddle-esque. CMC and Fat Lenny are a good 1-2 punch, though you have to assume CMC either gets hurt or baker continues not knowing how to use him. Hopefully for your sake Rhule gets fired. You really missed out by not drafting Josh Allen for the Alan Allen Allen team name, but Keenan’s continuous injuries will be annoying for you. Zay and Wilson are serviceable enough though. I’m predicting a playoff run falling short.
5. Levine – I keep thinking this is Nijo because of the Fulham reference, and because Kimmel 69ers have become a staple of the league for so long. Sad to see Kimmel finally leaving the league, but his 69ing story will go on forever. Cousins is… fine? Breece and Aj Dillon are… good-ish? Tyreek can obviously fuck up a team as I experienced first hand, and Hollywood should only continue to get better assuming the cards figure out how to play football. Kittle healthy and Sutton being the only non-piece of trash on the broncos rounds out an unsurprisingly solid Levine squad. Olave, Bateman, and Hopkins are upgrades for lots of people in the league too. Maybe this will be the year Levine finally uses his depth to trade and improve instead of treating his bench players like they kneeled for the national anthem. Should be yet another playoff run for the Crème pies.
6. Gutman – the first of 3 strip club related team names (I’m assuming Ajay’s is a reference to it). I remember at the draft someone asking Gutman why he spelled champagne that way and he said because he didn’t know how to spell it. Not sure if it was a joke or if that was just oldnew Gutman. Given his team the ole up and down, I’m a fan. Carr is a good backup while Tua recovers, Ek and Mix both should only get better, Brown, Samuel, and Cooks all have high floors and Higbee seems to do well enough for the TE wasteland. Herbert being <100% all season could be not ideal, though it may mean more dump offs to Ekeler. Any rb injury though, and suddenly one of your rb becomes Perine. You should probably trade for Sony Michel to get Ekeler’s handcuff.
7. Nijo – the last of our 2-1 teams. As any good lawyer does, Nijo made sure to push the legal boundaries with ESPN’s new name rules. Like most of his historical team names, the only real reaction you have for it is “gross.” Debatable if gism is more gross than Duesing’s dentures (rip). Looking at his team. Eh? There’s potential for improvement. Rodgers’ WRs should improve as season goes on. Saquon is still the only good thing on the giants offense, even with 8 in the box, and CEH seems to finally be having a solid year after he stunk last year. The rest of the team though… not great bob! Cardinals are a mess so Conner isn’t great, DJ Moore and Woods both haven’t done shit and Falcons apparently forgot they have Pitts. That being said though, like I mentioned they all have some potential to get better and that includes some guys on his bench too. Gordon and Duvernay could end up being solid later in the year.
8. Marco – “there goes the potty” always makes me think of “boom goes the dynamite”. I wonder if that guy is on Cameo? Still don’t really get what Gutman was saying, but maybe once I start potty training Lily it’ll make sense. It’ll be hard to predict Marco’s final position since he loves trades, but looking at the team now, Marco definitely needs some RB help. His accidental Aaron Jones draft may have ended up saving him. Chase, Lamb, Andrews, and Bills D are a solid core to build off of though and a few injuries going his way could leave him with some starters, albeit not exciting ones (ingram, chuba, etc.). Carson Wentz is a bum too.
9. Weissbard – Scooting may have been my favorite activity of Austin. I somehow cut my ankle razor scooter style and had a pretty deep gash, but still well worth it. Team name overall though is not creative and getting the gif to work took an hour longer than I would have liked. My team is the usual boom or bust, no bench. Jalen Hurts has been keeping the team afloat which isn’t great from a personal point of view. Najee has been disappointing but better than lots of teams rbs, and once B-Rob comes back I actually like my trio of RBs. Or can at least trade one. Knox hasn’t been great, and the flex is meh, but Davante and Deebo should help carry the squad. Don’t think it’s necessarily a ship-winning squad yet, but don’t think it’s bottom half of the table team either.
10. Esco – Strip club team 2 of 3. What ever ended up happening with Marco’s card? Did he cancel it? Either way, some good points were earned that night and hearing Marco try and piece together the night Memento-style coupled with Barnard’s shame and Lowe’s allergic reaction/hangover was entertaining. In terms of his team, I’m pretty sure Esco has already texted me 2 or 3 times this season talking about how much he hates his team. And looking at it I can see why. Kyler is 7th ranked qb with some outrageous highlights, but still feels like he’s underperforming. The next bright spot for the team is Christian Kirk and then… yea that’s pretty much it. Kamara is still mentally beating people in Vegas and Wilson will probably get hurt like every other 49ers rb. Pittman and DK should be better, but not much better since both their teams stink. I’m pretty sure this is the only time I’ve seen a team with 0 WR on the bench (not counting Godwin on IR) which I don’t hate because Mattison and Pollard could probably start a bunch of weeks, but Esco will most likely need some trades to turn the ship around.
11. Ajay – Completing the trio of strip club names (I think?). All this time we thought Marco was the butthole king, but seems like Lowe maybe dethroned him this year? I dunno all the details and I’m fairly certain I don’t want to either. Onto the squad, on paper I actually think he has a really solid team. Ajay’s admitted himself though that he’s gotten pretty much every roster move wrong you can make. Even right now, his starting lineup is all top 20 ranked players except TE. His bench has RB potential with some injuries, and Waddle/MT/Jeudy/Cooper is better than most teams’ WR. He’s 3rd lowest in the league in points scored, but if he can get the QB situation fixed I wouldn’t put a playoff run past him.
12. AGD? Already with an early name change. I can only assume Belf thought it would change their luck (which it did). Cortese once again catching strays from this league. I’ll be completely honest too, I don’t know why the I3 instead of a B but I can only assume it’s something offensive. Team aside, you astute readers will notice this is my second use of a question mark after the team name (BMO being the first) because of the shock of seeing them here. Lowest points scored in the league is not a familiar place for Reap and Belf. There’s an anniversary joke somewhere to be made here. On paper the teams not bad, but Brady hasn’t put up his usual numbers, Henry finally broke out for a big game and Herbert should benefit fromD-Mont out. Higgins/Davis/Lockett are all “good”, but also all WR2 on their teams and two of those times have been kinda doodoo. Mooney might be the only WR worse than Golladay and Etienne is being outplayed by J-Rob. With a few WR injuries, they may be able to make some moves for a good RB, but we may be seeing 2 years in a row of Evan taking shots at this rate.
13. Kumpf – I’m going to assume Kumpf’s name is a movie quote or something, and not the Lupe Fiasco song. Either way, this show is definitely NOT going on (see what I did there?) One of the two 0-3 teams, though as Kumpf pointed out he already has a comical lead in points against. At least he knows no one is taking it easy on him for his MS. In fact, much in line with the league, it’s as if teams are actually trying even harder against commish to knock him down a few more pegs. Preseason the team looks great, but loooot of under-producers. Burrow not as high as he could be, Evans missing some time, Williams boom or busting, Rodgers hates Tonyan, and the Swift/Williams situation is no fun at all for Kev. Toss in some bad seahawks RB and Levine laughing every week at having someone else experience the pain of A-Rob and you have yourself a bad time.
14. Billy – Maybe it’s time to get Marshall back and bring back the Big Nutz Black Dick team name. Theoretically, Herbert/Taylor/JJ should be a 50-60 point lock each week. But Herbert has bummed ribs, Colts have been dog water (apparently this is a thing youtubers/gen Z-ers say. Learned it from Ilana’s nephews), and as Billy pointed out to us, JJ has Kirk Cousins. McKissic is rb2, soon to be rb3 on Washington leaving Billy’s other option as a RB either Foreman or Burkhead. CMC I think is actually already hurt, so maybe Billy’s luck is turning. But a concussed Renfrow, and Diontae Johnson with Mitch Trubshitsky (boom roasted) is a lot of low points. Will definitely need some trades/luck/waivers to make some noise.
End of Season Predictions (I wrote the first 10 writeups earlier in the day so I don’t remember what I actually think of each of the teams and these predictions may contradict that. Going to just skim through)
1st – Zball
2-6 in no particular order: Barnard, Gutman, Weissbard, Levine, Alan
Shot spot/relegation – Billy
Finals – Zball over Alan
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