Week 5 CPP Rankings

Busy as shit this week and I'm off tomorrow for ACL, so here are the rankings with no write-ups:

1. Joseph - CPP: 205.03, Last Week: 1st

2. Kumpf - CPP: 187.67, Last Week: 3rd

3. Ajay - CPP: 172.38, Last Week: 4th

4. New Gutman - CPP: 171.95, Last Week: 2nd

5. AGD - CPP: 157.31, Last Week: 9th

6. Esco - CPP: 153.89, Last Week: 7th

7. Weissbard - CPP: 143.74, Last Week: 6th

8. Alan - CPP: 141.72, Last Week: 5th

Now for a slight break. Some of you may have noticed that my award-winning team name has changed. With Alan being single once again, I only had one Alexis to work with, thus ruining the point of the team name. Luckily for all of us, when Barnard asked Alan what he missed most about being in a relationship, he responded "the creampies." Assuming Alexis wasn't an expert baker, we all now have a fantastic image in our heads, and I have a new team name. Back to the rankings...

9. Zacherman - CPP: 136.89, Last Week: 10th

10. Bennett - CPP: 131.37, Last Week: 8th

11. Kimmel - CPP: 128.22, Last Week: 11th

12. Donnie - CPP: 110.13, Last Week: 13th

13. Barnard - CPP: 107.04, Last Week: 12th

14. Billy - CPP: 90.85, Last Week: 14th

Back next week with a full set of rankings.

Week 4 CPP Rankings

I was about to settle into a night of writing these rankings and watching the Yankees clinch the division, when two things happened. First, Barnard bent over and let Nick penetrate the shit out of him, putting our former commissioner in the driver’s seat for the Stevens Bowl. That news was immediately followed by the news that I had to go to a Debate Party instead of watching the Yankees, and I could only hope that it’s a lot like it was in Old School.

Overall a shitty afternoon thanks to Barnard and Obama. Anyway, on to the rankings.

Week 4 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 175, Last Week: 5^th

The rich get richer. You already had the top RB duo in the league by a long shot, and after your trade goes through, your receiving corps becomes V-Jax, Reggie Wayne and Stevie. Not too shabby. You are essentially a playoff shoo-in at this point, and the only downfall you’ll see is deciding which QB and TE to play. Not a bad position to be in.

2.       New Gutman – CPP: 172.58, Last Week: 2^nd

If it wasn’t for an absurdly late scoring change last week, this autodrafted team would be undefeated. It is also the only team that has finished in the top 7 in scoring each of the first 4 weeks, a fact that is not overlooked by the CPP. If only its owner gave two shits about this league or understood the FAAB value of replacement players, I might actually respect this team.

3.       Kumpf – CPP: 168.95, Last Week: 4^th

The most ironic thing about my loss to Ajay by .6 points is that it was entirely my own fault. If you’ll remember, Garrett Hartley made the “game-winning” FG against the Packers late in the fourth quarter, only to have it called back by a bogus holding penalty. He missed the ensuing FG attempt, causing me to lose 1 point thanks to a rule that I lobbied for years to include. I guess karma came back to haunt me, but I’m not ruling out another Friday win.

4.       Ajay – CPP: 155, Last Week: 7^th

This might be because I lost to your team in part due to the absurd score from the Texans D/ST, but I think we need to curb D/ST scoring. In a 10-team league, it’s okay to have defenses break 20 points because the rest of a team’s roster is also stacked. In our league, a huge defensive week that could come from a play like this can completely change a matchup. I think we should at least have the discussion at Winter Meetings. Props to Ajay for winning while Julio and Rudolph combined for 3.8, that is no easy task.

5.       Alan – CPP: 146.1, Last Week: 6^th

Look who’s cracking the top 5? Your team has slowly improved through trades, and a healthy Garcon gives you the look of a possible playoff contender. I’m not sure if Stafford will stay in his funk all year, or if Spiller will return to his Week 2-3 production, but I no longer laugh while looking at your roster. After the draft you had, you deserve recognition for that.

6.       Weissbard – CPP: 146.1, Last Week: 1^st

That was a rough one. But if you want to look at it positively, on a week where you were hurt by injury and all-around terrible production, your opponent dropped 120 so you likely would have lost anyway. If you want to look at it negatively, you are the first person Kimmel has beaten since October of last year.

7.       Esco – CPP: 142.83, Last Week: 3^rd

It always sucks losing by less than 5 points when your team just doesn’t produce as well as it should. I seriously question your decision to start Ogletree over Colston, but other than that you started your guys and they didn’t show up. Things should get better, and at least you won’t have to start Lamar Miller ever again. Seriously, drop him just so you’re not temped.

8.       Bennett – CPP: 138.65, Last Week: 9^th

I think you are the only person in America who started Brian Hartline last week and lost. He was a previously shitty receiver playing for a terrible offense going against the best defense in the league. Even if he did go off, that you had no better options on your bench is inexcusable. Why do you have two kickers? Why do you have multiple Browns? Lay off that Korean Poon Goo and get your shit together.

9.       AGD – CPP: 126.5, Last Week: 8^th

I gotta say I really like your team. I’m still not totally sure about Peyton, as I’m sure you’re not either, but you guys are set up a lot nicer than some of the teams above you. Denver’s bye week will be rough, but other than that, this team will be competitive every week as long as Peyton keeps it up.

10.   Zacherman – CPP: 115.93, Last Week: 14^th

Finally a big week from Zacherman. A win is always nice, but seeing how well Cam played had to give you some hope for the rest of the season. Outside of him and Marshall, I’m not sold on any of your players, in fact I’m low on most of them, but if you get one or two of them to go off on a given week, you’re probably going to win.

11.   Kimmel – CPP: 114.58, Last Week: 13^th

Congrats on the win. Much like Zacherman and Cam, you had to like seeing your three RBs and A-Rod light it up last week. Considering they are literally the only players you spent draft dollars on, you need them to play like that every week to have a chance. I still think it makes sense for you to trade one of the RBs for some help at receiver, but if you think you can guess right between LaFell, Hankerson, Manningham, Jones, Avery and Royal, more power to you.

12.   Barnard – CPP: 105.73, Last Week: 10^th

I can understand that it’s difficult to pick between Reggie Wayne and Stevie Johnson for your flex each week. Those types of decisions suck. So trading them for a receiver upgrade makes sense to me. Someone like Fitz or Andre who has a much higher upside than either of your guys would make your team look really good. You chose Miles Austin. While I think you’re buying high on him right now, and Dez and Witten will end up stealing his looks later in the season, if you think he’s your guy, I can’t fault you. Why you included the enormous downgrade of Witten for Scott Fucking Chandler is beyond me. Witten has 10 years of production as a TE1, and looks to be over the spleen injury that slowed him to start the year. Chandler is 21^st in TE receptions (Witten is 4^th), 14^th in TE targets (Witten is 5^th), and 17^th in TE yards (Witten is 13^th). Yeah he’s got 4 TD receptions compared to Witten’s 1. Guess who has 3 TD receptions. Dante Rosario. Exactly.

13.   Donnie – CPP: 91.25, Last Week: 11^th

Between Palmer/Smith, D-Will/J-Stew/Ingram, Floyd/Meachem/Denarius/Crabtree, and Jermichael/Vernon, you have some tough lineup decisions to make every week. You can handle that by voluntarily taking Nick’s dick up your ass like Barnard did, or you can be patient and make a responsible trade. If you don’t, you’re going to drive yourself crazy every week making these choices.

14.   Billy – CPP: 90.925, Last Week: 12^th

Quite the fall for our defending champion, which serves as a Public Service Announcement for the “Don’t Drink and Draft” movement. The Ryan Mathews/Jackie Battle situation is troublesome when making a lineup decision (I have to deal with it in other leagues and it blows), but you still have a solid team. If you can find a consistent WR2, you’ll look a lot better.

Week 3 CPP Rankings

I’m still reeling from an especially crazy 36 hours or so that included three huge trades, an epic FAAB war over Ryan Williams, the imminent return of the refs, and the news about Beanie that is likely more relevant to our league than it is to the Arizona Cardinals. That’s why fantasy football is amazing, because a Tuesday and Wednesday can be as exciting as a Sunday.

Last week was an especially weird one that saw Donnie score his most points yet and lose, Nick score his least points yet and win, and each team leave an average of over 20 points on their bench. The CPP is starting to settle down a bit, so from here on out the numbers should act as a true Power Ranking.

Week 3 Rankings

1.       Weissbard – CPP: 170.77, Last Week: 3^rd

Benefitting extremely from picking up Andre Brown as well as playing the most accurate roster of anyone, the little guy takes over the top spot. Unfortunately for Weissbard, he sits at 1-2 because of some tough matchups. The CPP believes in your team, and so do I. Good seeing you at Bruce, hope you enjoyed the tailgate.

2.       New Gutman – CPP: 156.83, Last Week: 2^nd

You’ve won your last two matchups by a combined 1.6 points. Ordinarily the CPP would punish you for such luck, as well as your irresponsible absence from the draft, but I’ve made it too quantitative for that. You may stay undefeated this week, but I see your team destined for a drop-off once Dalton comes back to Earth and Forte steals most of Bush’s work.

3.       Esco – CPP: 154.5, Last Week: 6^th

Losing Beanie for most of the season minutes after trading for him hurts, but I would highly doubt that he was your main target in that trade. I’m not sold on S-Jax by any means, but getting Marshall not only upgrades your receiving corps, it also removes a difficult lineup decision every week, and there is absolutely something to be said for that.

4.       Kumpf – CPP: 146.53, Last Week: 5^th

I won a matchup I shouldn’t have in Week 2, and I probably lost one I should have won in Week 3. Regardless, I think my core of Brady/McCoy/Martin/Harvin/Lloyd/Graham can compete with anyone. And I’ll find out as I go up against Ajay’s stacked but banged up team this week.

5.       Joseph – CPP: 142.57, Last Week: 1^st

I’m shocked and appalled that you won by 20+ while putting up 73 points, but that’s more Zacherman’s fault than yours. I’m a bit confused as to why you have three defenses on your roster, but you’re 3-0 so I guess it’s working. I hope the Party Bus worked out for the rest of the tailgate, and for those who haven’t seen Joseph’s picture of The Boss, it’s pretty sick.

6.       Alan – CPP: 141.8, Last Week: 7^th

If Billy hadn’t agreed to our trade, I likely would have made the same deal with Alan for DMC. I felt bad leaving the Muffin Man hanging like that, but he rebounded quickly and made a move with Barnard within 12 hours. While he clearly gave up the best player, once Spiller comes back Alan’s lineup with be Stafford/Spiller/Gore/Torrey/Desean. He’s pretty fucked at TE and Flex, but after his draft-day disaster, Alan has rebounded nicely.

7.       Ajay – CPP: 134.9, Last Week: 4^th

Your lack of depth will be tested for the first time this week, as Reggie may not play. You’re lucky he escaped without a more serious injury, but the only thing that can keep you out of the playoffs would be if the knees of your RBs don’t hold up. We should have quite the battle this weekend.

8.       AGD – CPP: 131, Last Week: 9^th

I have no idea what happened to you guys two weeks ago. You put up 100+ in Weeks 1 and 3, but less than half that in Week 2. Obviously Charles won’t go bananas every week, but it’s a good sign for you guys that he showed some life for the first time. Even if you lose to Alan this week, getting Forte back soon will keep you guys in contention the whole season.

9.       Bennett – CPP: 116.13, Last Week: 11^th

I gotta say I’m proud of you. Three weeks into the 2012 season and you’ve already doubled your win count from last year, congrats. Even the Tashard Choice roster spot made you look good last week, though you didn’t start him (Chris Ogbonnaya?). With Freddie possibly back this week, you may have a chance of competing with Joseph.

10.   Barnard – CPP: 111.5, Last Week: 8^th

I still can’t believe you got Ryan Williams. Odds are he won’t amount to shit, but on principle it pisses me off. The trade puts you in a good spot because even after getting rid of Desean and Torrey, you still have Stevie and Reggie to package to a receiver needy team (Kimmel) if you so choose. The only issue with getting Welker is that it’s not as easy to refer to him by his first name, which was clearly your strategy while targeting receivers.

11.   Donnie – CPP: 99.67, Last Week: 14^th

Tough loss last week, but the cure to that is always Kimmel. I don’t see a championship team for you this year, but you’ll be competitive every week. You’re also in the odd position of rooting for an injury to one of your own players for the benefit of another. Until that happens, it’s gonna be tough to start J-Stew or D-Will, but the rest of your roster appears to have its shit together.

12.   Billy – CPP: 96.23, Last Week: 10^th

I love the way Billy thinks about trades. He texts me “Give me fifteen minutes. I need to have a beer and I’ll think about it.” He texts me back 2 hours later accepting the trade, which to me means that it took him 8 beers to come to grips with getting rid of Shady. Either way, I think the trade gives him the depth he needs so he can stop starting guys like Andre Roberts and Nate Burleson.

13.   Kimmel – CPP: 83.17, Last Week: 13^th

I don’t think we’ve ever gotten an explanation on your team name. I get that it’s an actual city in Austria, but every time I see it, it makes me think you have something against the country itself. I may be missing a reference here, but for your annual email to the league, I’m just curious what it’s all about. And also you lost again, which is no surprise.

14.   Zacherman – CPP: 78.4, Last Week: 12^th

You gotta hope that this trade rejuvenates your squad, or rather juvenates it, because you’ve shown no signs of life so far. The trade locks down your starting receivers, which is nice, but you still have enormous question marks at RB and TE, and it’s obvious that Cam isn’t playing at the same level he was last year. I have him in another league, so I’m praying that he turns it around, but you will live and die with his performance, and it’s been a slow death so far.

Week 2 CPP Rankings

I think the addition of the Free Agent Auction to our league is the finest moment since we moved to an Auction draft. The way the league sits now, there is literally no way for anyone to have an excuse. Last year, both Esco and myself felt that we were punished by our good start to the season by not having a chance at the top free agents. Conversely, Ajay wouldn’t have even made the playoffs, let alone the Stevens Bowl, without his fortuitous waiver position. None of this was against the rules, and I commend Ajay for his exploitation of a flawed system, but that all stops this year. Every team has a shot at every player as long as they plan correctly, so no one has any excuses like “Kumpf’s email artificially inflated the market for Andre Brown, who I’m relying on because Bradshaw is hurt” (actual Zacherman complaint), or “Why didn’t anyone tell me that Chris Johnson isn’t good at football?” (assumed Kimmel complaint).

One quick note on the CPP before I get to the rankings. This week is the first time the new injury considerations come into play, with Alan, New Gutman, Bennett and Zacherman getting points from Garcon, Jennings, Freddie Jackson and Gates respectively. I almost didn’t give Z credit because he still started Gates, but I’ll assume that was a one-time mistake that can be blamed entirely on marijuana. If those players miss more games, and it appears that only Jackson will be in that situation, then the points received from the injured starters will diminish each week for a month until they hit zero. Next week we will definitely see more players on this list, as Bradshaw and Nicks have already been ruled out and Forte is likely to join them.

On to the rankings…

Week 2 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 159.1, Last Week: 3^rd

It always sucks wasting a great week when you don’t need it, and I can easily see Nick losing 95-94.9 this week, but scoring 2.5 times more than your opponent is pretty impressive. Doing all that while starting Davonne Bess is downright insane. I can’t believe Tony G has kept it up this long, but more power to him, and to you as you start the best RB combo in the league each week.

2.       New Gutman – CPP: 142.7, Last Week: 5^th

I thought the best part of the fractional point system would be no more ties or arbitrary points after each 10 yards, but I forgot about the fact that now games can be decided by less than 1 point. I’m shocked that it took just two weeks for us to have a .1 scoring differential, but that’s why I love this league. What’s even more amazing is that if you started Dalton over Vick, you guys still would have tied.

3.       Weissbard – CPP: 139.95, Last Week: 4^th

Breaking 100 with pretty much no contribution from your defense or kicker is no easy feat, so congrats on that. You’ve gotta be feeling even better about yourself for winning the Andre Brown sweepstakes after hearing the news about Nicks, and Maclin possibly missing his game too. I’ve liked this team since the draft, and the first two weeks haven’t changed my stance, but I don’t think you’ll be able to rely on double digit points from Pierre Thomas every week.

4.       Ajay – CPP: 131, Last Week: 6^th

If Julio Jones had done anything on MNF, you would have run away with the Week 2 title, but inconsistency is always the issue with Julio. You didn’t even start Celek, who has had a great start to the year, but once you start doing that, I don’t think your team has a weakness. I know I’ll be the one shitting my pants when I go up against you in Week 4.

5.       Kumpf – CPP: 129.7, Last Week: 5^th

I feel dirty that I got a win for that debacle, but luckily Nate Burleson was quiet on MNF. Losing Aaron Hernandez from my lineup hurts, but I get to welcome back Ryan Mathews this week and once we see the inevitable Kevin Smith injury, Leshoure will be worth the $24 I bid on him last week. As for this week, I just can’t wait to beat Off In The Shower.

6.       Esco – CPP: 122.6, Last Week: 7^th

I spent the last 15 minutes figuring out what the score of your matchup with New Gutman would have been if we didn’t have fractional points, and you guys would have tied at 91. I don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse, but I’m glad you take the sanctity of the league seriously. For real though, you need to trade one of your receivers. That lineup decision will be a royal pain in the ass every week.

7.       Alan – CPP: 121.5, Last Week: 12^th

You may have lost again, but you moved up quite a bit on this list, mainly due to the Garcon injury. That inflation won’t last, so you better get your shit together or you’ll be back in Kimmel territory. I think you knew you were going to lose going into MNF, but it sucks that it came at the hands of McGahee rather than Roddy. It also sucks that Garcon might miss another game because you could use some help at receiver with all these Welker rumors and the inconsistency of Alshon.

8.       Barnard – CPP: 102.65, Last Week: 13^th

You did a good job of assembling depth during the draft, and it has paid off thanks to rejuvenated performances by Frank Gore and Reggie Wayne. What you really need is to turn some of that depth into an upgrade at any position. A lot of teams are in dire need of depth, so you just need to hope that they get over their collective disgust at the idea of speaking with you so you can make a trade.

9.       AGD – CPP: 84.15, Last Week: 1^st

There is a clear gap between the top 8 and the bottom 6 in terms of CPP, and it makes sense that AGD is at the top of the bottom. After a great Week 1 performance, the bottom fell out completely and you had a Murphy’s Law week. Actually, based on the lazy research performed by Weissbard and I, we’ll call these Barnard’s Law weeks, where everything goes wrong and you put up an insanely bad score.  The good news for you guys is that Week 2 is over, and in Week 3 you face the last place CPP team.

10.   Billy – CPP: 82.75, Last Week: 8^th

I don’t know how else to say it, other than your team just isn’t very good. You started both Andre Roberts and Nate Burleson, and I would bet a thirty that Alan doesn’t know what team either of them are on. Andre Johnson won’t be limited to 2.1 points every week, but Eli won’t throw for 500+ either. I don’t know if you need a trade, or maybe just a sober week, but if you want to repeat then something needs to change.

11.   Bennett – CPP: 82.6, Last Week: 9^th

It’s fitting that after ending the longest losing streak in the history of fantasy football, you still move down in these rankings. The worst thing about Freddie’s injury for you isn’t that you can’t start him (but Tashard Choice? Really?), it’s that Spiller has played out of his mind while Jackson is out. When he returns, the best case scenario for F-Jax is a timeshare, which doesn’t bode well for your team.

12.   Zacherman – CPP: 72.65, Last Week: 10^th

I don’t have many expectations for you in terms of effort, but starting a player that’s hurt? Unforgiveable. What makes it even worse is that you really didn’t show a sense of urgency in picking up Andre Brown. You might be able to get by with S-Jax and Ridley, but why risk it?

13.   Kimmel – CPP: 70.6, Last Week: 12^th

Hey, look who’s out of the basement! You may not win an actual matchup this year, so you gotta take the little victories when they come. The biggest win for your team so far has got to be the way T-Rich looked last week. His team sucks, and the Bengals D is among the league’s worst, but Richardson looked like Adrian Peterson on some of those runs, so his value in 2013 should be pretty high. Unfortunately you own him this year, so you’re shit out of luck.

14.   Donnie – CPP: 59.4, Last Week: 11^th

You’re at the bottom almost entirely due to your lineup management, which will even out as the season goes on. There is a lot of talent on this roster, so if you can either figure out who to start, or trade depth for upgrades, the playoffs are a very real possibility.

I’ll see a couple of you this weekend where the Giants (and Jets) play the games. The rest of you just have to wish you were there.

Week 1 CPP Rankings

Things are going to work a little differently this year on the blog. Because I’m currently writing for Razzball, FanDuel Insider, as well as your sorry asses, I am unfortunately going to have to limit the size of the posts I do here. I will still put the time and effort into the CPP to ensure that the rankings themselves are fool-proof, but the actual write-ups will likely be shorter. It will vary from week-to-week and even from team-to-team depending on what else I have going on, but fear not, every team will get touched on every week. Yes, even you New Gutman. On the bright side for all of you, Bitching About Kicking will no longer be included this year, as I think we can all agree that kickers are worthless and unpredictable. Having said that, Nate Kaeding’s 18 points are the reason I am in first place overall after one week. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

The CPP will remain the revamped, more objective scoring system that it switched to in the middle of last season. The biggest change is how injuries are handled. Previously I gave each team a point for each injured starter, and accumulated those over the course of the season. This year, I’ll be taking the average amount of points those players scored over the last 4 weeks, and subtracting the points scored by his replacement. This results in injuries meaning nothing in Week 1, taking out possible CPP-boosters in Ryan Mathews, Mendenhall, etc., and also means that when a guy has been out for more than a month, you no longer receive “credit” for his injury. At that time you will have had enough time to replace him in your lineup via trade or free agency.

The other factors all remain the same: Adjusted PPG (removing the highest and lowest weekly score after Week 5), Cumulative Difference Between Actual and Optimal Lineup, Roster Moves, Weekly Consistency, and Actual Wins (times finishing in the top 7 in the league in points each week). For the first week or two, things like Points Scored and Points Left On Bench will skew things a bit, but after that it will even out to give some accurate Power Rankings of the Teams and Owners in this league.

Without further ado, the first CPP Rankings of 2012:

Week 1 Rankings

1.       AGD – CPP: 131

The story of your team all year will be Peyton. If he plays well, you should get 20 points from your QB, and Demaryius should produce as well. If he’s banged up, you essentially lose two starters. So far so good.

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 120

I’m gonna jump on the Trade Campaign bandwagon that Barnard and Weissbard started yesterday. My goal this year was to assemble depth, and after one week it looks like I succeeded, so if you want to deal let me know. Now if only Brady would start breaking 20 points I’ll be in great shape.

3.       Joseph – CPP: 112

You might be up here this week, but with the 30 combined points from your kicker and defense, you’ll need more help from you actual lineup if you want to stay here. Your combo of Rice and Lynch should be formidable every week, and you might have something there in Randy Moss.

4.       Weissbard – CPP: 109

The standings might not recognize your team as winning, but the CPP does. You also got a ton of points from your kicker and D, but I like your lineup overall. It might be bittersweet rooting for Romo each week, but if Ogletree is even somewhat legit, then he’s got the weapons  to be ELIte. At some point your stable of mediocre RBs should pay off in a trade as well.

5.       New Gutman – CPP: 107

Your terrible team name didn’t pay off, as no one beat Off in the Shower (though I have yet to confirm this with Alan). You could use some of Weissbard’s aforementioned mediocrity at RB, as you have nothing after MJD. I like your starting receivers, but with Jennings banged up this week, you’ll be hurting there as well. I guess lack of depth is one of the problems with not showing up to the draft.

6.       Ajay – CPP: 104

Going into the season, I liked your team more than anyone else’s and I’m not even that high on Matty Ice. Week 1 showed that you are absolutely a legit contender, as you won with ease even while AP was on your bench. If Cruz can start catching the ball and Reggie doesn’t succumb to the horror movie that is the 2012 Miami Dolphins, I think you’ll steadily move up this list.

7.       Esco – CPP: 97.6

Kaeding’s MNF explosion made the benching of RG3 more palatable for you I’m sure. Your perceived depth at WR was actually your weakness, as none of them hit double figures. I see a trade in your future, as Kevin Smith will inevitably get hurt, and your backups are worth next to nothing.

8.       Billy – CPP: 91.5

Your bench is an absolute mess, which I attribute to you being wasted for the last two weeks, but I do like your starters. Nothing spectacular, but you’ll be solid every week. I had a team like that last year before losing my QB, and it keeps you in every matchup but ultimately won’t lead you too far once you suffer an injury.

9.       Bennett – CPP: 82.4

You rectified your QB mess pretty quickly, and while New Gutman trade raped the shit out of you, getting AJ Green isn’t a bad haul. Losing Fred Jackson for two months, however, is a different story. What hurts even more is that somehow the third RB on your team is someone named Dion Lewis. You really fucked up your roster during the draft, but it’s not too late to fix it. Until then, you'll continue to extend your record-breaking 13-game losing streak.

10.   Zacherman – CPP: 74.2

I’m sure you’ll flip a shit about this ranking, and after that incoherent email last night I’m not so sure you haven’t lost your mind already, but more than half your lineup was in single digits and it took a vintage performance from the Jets D to win you your matchup. The best news of your Week 1 is that both Ridley and Flacco looked legit and give you more depth than I originally thought you had.

11.   Donnie – CPP: 73.7

Plain and simple, DeAngelo Williams fucked you. He fucked you man. With no J-Stew, he should have feasted on Tampa’s D, and he barely broke even. The toughest choice you’ll have each week is between Meachem and Malcom Floyd, and I don’t envy you on that one. As always, your TEs are strong though so you’ll be competitive if you start the right lineup.

12.   Alan – CPP: 67.2

It’s unfortunate that Alfred Morris tore shit up for me, because Garcon’s performance could have swung our trade in your direction. I’m not sure why Tate didn’t do better, but I think he’s unfortunately your best choice at RB2. Your season will hinge on the performances of Stafford and Welker, who you drastically overpaid for, and who both sucked ass last week.

13.   Barnard – CPP: 55.9

I truly love when you’re in last place, but I think Kimmel may go wire-to-wire on that one this year. The worst part about your performance last week, is that you likely wasted Gore’s best game and a winnable matchup when the rest of your team didn’t show up. You’ll have a tough call at QB and WR2 each week, as well as who to flex, so the CPP won’t be kind to you when you pick wrong.

14.   Kimmel – CPP: 53.8

You spent 60% of your budget on 3 RBs who combined for 75 rushing yards in Week 1. That about sums it up. Your team is actually very intriguing because, if you want to win a game, you’ll have to make a trade. Selling Rodgers or CJ for multiple pieces is really the only way you can compete. Unless you think Stephen Hill and James Jones are legitimate starting WRs, and in that case, you deserve the team you have.