Week 3 CPP Rankings

I’m still reeling from an especially crazy 36 hours or so that included three huge trades, an epic FAAB war over Ryan Williams, the imminent return of the refs, and the news about Beanie that is likely more relevant to our league than it is to the Arizona Cardinals. That’s why fantasy football is amazing, because a Tuesday and Wednesday can be as exciting as a Sunday.

Last week was an especially weird one that saw Donnie score his most points yet and lose, Nick score his least points yet and win, and each team leave an average of over 20 points on their bench. The CPP is starting to settle down a bit, so from here on out the numbers should act as a true Power Ranking.

Week 3 Rankings

1.       Weissbard – CPP: 170.77, Last Week: 3^rd

Benefitting extremely from picking up Andre Brown as well as playing the most accurate roster of anyone, the little guy takes over the top spot. Unfortunately for Weissbard, he sits at 1-2 because of some tough matchups. The CPP believes in your team, and so do I. Good seeing you at Bruce, hope you enjoyed the tailgate.

2.       New Gutman – CPP: 156.83, Last Week: 2^nd

You’ve won your last two matchups by a combined 1.6 points. Ordinarily the CPP would punish you for such luck, as well as your irresponsible absence from the draft, but I’ve made it too quantitative for that. You may stay undefeated this week, but I see your team destined for a drop-off once Dalton comes back to Earth and Forte steals most of Bush’s work.

3.       Esco – CPP: 154.5, Last Week: 6^th

Losing Beanie for most of the season minutes after trading for him hurts, but I would highly doubt that he was your main target in that trade. I’m not sold on S-Jax by any means, but getting Marshall not only upgrades your receiving corps, it also removes a difficult lineup decision every week, and there is absolutely something to be said for that.

4.       Kumpf – CPP: 146.53, Last Week: 5^th

I won a matchup I shouldn’t have in Week 2, and I probably lost one I should have won in Week 3. Regardless, I think my core of Brady/McCoy/Martin/Harvin/Lloyd/Graham can compete with anyone. And I’ll find out as I go up against Ajay’s stacked but banged up team this week.

5.       Joseph – CPP: 142.57, Last Week: 1^st

I’m shocked and appalled that you won by 20+ while putting up 73 points, but that’s more Zacherman’s fault than yours. I’m a bit confused as to why you have three defenses on your roster, but you’re 3-0 so I guess it’s working. I hope the Party Bus worked out for the rest of the tailgate, and for those who haven’t seen Joseph’s picture of The Boss, it’s pretty sick.

6.       Alan – CPP: 141.8, Last Week: 7^th

If Billy hadn’t agreed to our trade, I likely would have made the same deal with Alan for DMC. I felt bad leaving the Muffin Man hanging like that, but he rebounded quickly and made a move with Barnard within 12 hours. While he clearly gave up the best player, once Spiller comes back Alan’s lineup with be Stafford/Spiller/Gore/Torrey/Desean. He’s pretty fucked at TE and Flex, but after his draft-day disaster, Alan has rebounded nicely.

7.       Ajay – CPP: 134.9, Last Week: 4^th

Your lack of depth will be tested for the first time this week, as Reggie may not play. You’re lucky he escaped without a more serious injury, but the only thing that can keep you out of the playoffs would be if the knees of your RBs don’t hold up. We should have quite the battle this weekend.

8.       AGD – CPP: 131, Last Week: 9^th

I have no idea what happened to you guys two weeks ago. You put up 100+ in Weeks 1 and 3, but less than half that in Week 2. Obviously Charles won’t go bananas every week, but it’s a good sign for you guys that he showed some life for the first time. Even if you lose to Alan this week, getting Forte back soon will keep you guys in contention the whole season.

9.       Bennett – CPP: 116.13, Last Week: 11^th

I gotta say I’m proud of you. Three weeks into the 2012 season and you’ve already doubled your win count from last year, congrats. Even the Tashard Choice roster spot made you look good last week, though you didn’t start him (Chris Ogbonnaya?). With Freddie possibly back this week, you may have a chance of competing with Joseph.

10.   Barnard – CPP: 111.5, Last Week: 8^th

I still can’t believe you got Ryan Williams. Odds are he won’t amount to shit, but on principle it pisses me off. The trade puts you in a good spot because even after getting rid of Desean and Torrey, you still have Stevie and Reggie to package to a receiver needy team (Kimmel) if you so choose. The only issue with getting Welker is that it’s not as easy to refer to him by his first name, which was clearly your strategy while targeting receivers.

11.   Donnie – CPP: 99.67, Last Week: 14^th

Tough loss last week, but the cure to that is always Kimmel. I don’t see a championship team for you this year, but you’ll be competitive every week. You’re also in the odd position of rooting for an injury to one of your own players for the benefit of another. Until that happens, it’s gonna be tough to start J-Stew or D-Will, but the rest of your roster appears to have its shit together.

12.   Billy – CPP: 96.23, Last Week: 10^th

I love the way Billy thinks about trades. He texts me “Give me fifteen minutes. I need to have a beer and I’ll think about it.” He texts me back 2 hours later accepting the trade, which to me means that it took him 8 beers to come to grips with getting rid of Shady. Either way, I think the trade gives him the depth he needs so he can stop starting guys like Andre Roberts and Nate Burleson.

13.   Kimmel – CPP: 83.17, Last Week: 13^th

I don’t think we’ve ever gotten an explanation on your team name. I get that it’s an actual city in Austria, but every time I see it, it makes me think you have something against the country itself. I may be missing a reference here, but for your annual email to the league, I’m just curious what it’s all about. And also you lost again, which is no surprise.

14.   Zacherman – CPP: 78.4, Last Week: 12^th

You gotta hope that this trade rejuvenates your squad, or rather juvenates it, because you’ve shown no signs of life so far. The trade locks down your starting receivers, which is nice, but you still have enormous question marks at RB and TE, and it’s obvious that Cam isn’t playing at the same level he was last year. I have him in another league, so I’m praying that he turns it around, but you will live and die with his performance, and it’s been a slow death so far.

Week 2 CPP Rankings

I think the addition of the Free Agent Auction to our league is the finest moment since we moved to an Auction draft. The way the league sits now, there is literally no way for anyone to have an excuse. Last year, both Esco and myself felt that we were punished by our good start to the season by not having a chance at the top free agents. Conversely, Ajay wouldn’t have even made the playoffs, let alone the Stevens Bowl, without his fortuitous waiver position. None of this was against the rules, and I commend Ajay for his exploitation of a flawed system, but that all stops this year. Every team has a shot at every player as long as they plan correctly, so no one has any excuses like “Kumpf’s email artificially inflated the market for Andre Brown, who I’m relying on because Bradshaw is hurt” (actual Zacherman complaint), or “Why didn’t anyone tell me that Chris Johnson isn’t good at football?” (assumed Kimmel complaint).

One quick note on the CPP before I get to the rankings. This week is the first time the new injury considerations come into play, with Alan, New Gutman, Bennett and Zacherman getting points from Garcon, Jennings, Freddie Jackson and Gates respectively. I almost didn’t give Z credit because he still started Gates, but I’ll assume that was a one-time mistake that can be blamed entirely on marijuana. If those players miss more games, and it appears that only Jackson will be in that situation, then the points received from the injured starters will diminish each week for a month until they hit zero. Next week we will definitely see more players on this list, as Bradshaw and Nicks have already been ruled out and Forte is likely to join them.

On to the rankings…

Week 2 Rankings

1.       Joseph – CPP: 159.1, Last Week: 3^rd

It always sucks wasting a great week when you don’t need it, and I can easily see Nick losing 95-94.9 this week, but scoring 2.5 times more than your opponent is pretty impressive. Doing all that while starting Davonne Bess is downright insane. I can’t believe Tony G has kept it up this long, but more power to him, and to you as you start the best RB combo in the league each week.

2.       New Gutman – CPP: 142.7, Last Week: 5^th

I thought the best part of the fractional point system would be no more ties or arbitrary points after each 10 yards, but I forgot about the fact that now games can be decided by less than 1 point. I’m shocked that it took just two weeks for us to have a .1 scoring differential, but that’s why I love this league. What’s even more amazing is that if you started Dalton over Vick, you guys still would have tied.

3.       Weissbard – CPP: 139.95, Last Week: 4^th

Breaking 100 with pretty much no contribution from your defense or kicker is no easy feat, so congrats on that. You’ve gotta be feeling even better about yourself for winning the Andre Brown sweepstakes after hearing the news about Nicks, and Maclin possibly missing his game too. I’ve liked this team since the draft, and the first two weeks haven’t changed my stance, but I don’t think you’ll be able to rely on double digit points from Pierre Thomas every week.

4.       Ajay – CPP: 131, Last Week: 6^th

If Julio Jones had done anything on MNF, you would have run away with the Week 2 title, but inconsistency is always the issue with Julio. You didn’t even start Celek, who has had a great start to the year, but once you start doing that, I don’t think your team has a weakness. I know I’ll be the one shitting my pants when I go up against you in Week 4.

5.       Kumpf – CPP: 129.7, Last Week: 5^th

I feel dirty that I got a win for that debacle, but luckily Nate Burleson was quiet on MNF. Losing Aaron Hernandez from my lineup hurts, but I get to welcome back Ryan Mathews this week and once we see the inevitable Kevin Smith injury, Leshoure will be worth the $24 I bid on him last week. As for this week, I just can’t wait to beat Off In The Shower.

6.       Esco – CPP: 122.6, Last Week: 7^th

I spent the last 15 minutes figuring out what the score of your matchup with New Gutman would have been if we didn’t have fractional points, and you guys would have tied at 91. I don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse, but I’m glad you take the sanctity of the league seriously. For real though, you need to trade one of your receivers. That lineup decision will be a royal pain in the ass every week.

7.       Alan – CPP: 121.5, Last Week: 12^th

You may have lost again, but you moved up quite a bit on this list, mainly due to the Garcon injury. That inflation won’t last, so you better get your shit together or you’ll be back in Kimmel territory. I think you knew you were going to lose going into MNF, but it sucks that it came at the hands of McGahee rather than Roddy. It also sucks that Garcon might miss another game because you could use some help at receiver with all these Welker rumors and the inconsistency of Alshon.

8.       Barnard – CPP: 102.65, Last Week: 13^th

You did a good job of assembling depth during the draft, and it has paid off thanks to rejuvenated performances by Frank Gore and Reggie Wayne. What you really need is to turn some of that depth into an upgrade at any position. A lot of teams are in dire need of depth, so you just need to hope that they get over their collective disgust at the idea of speaking with you so you can make a trade.

9.       AGD – CPP: 84.15, Last Week: 1^st

There is a clear gap between the top 8 and the bottom 6 in terms of CPP, and it makes sense that AGD is at the top of the bottom. After a great Week 1 performance, the bottom fell out completely and you had a Murphy’s Law week. Actually, based on the lazy research performed by Weissbard and I, we’ll call these Barnard’s Law weeks, where everything goes wrong and you put up an insanely bad score.  The good news for you guys is that Week 2 is over, and in Week 3 you face the last place CPP team.

10.   Billy – CPP: 82.75, Last Week: 8^th

I don’t know how else to say it, other than your team just isn’t very good. You started both Andre Roberts and Nate Burleson, and I would bet a thirty that Alan doesn’t know what team either of them are on. Andre Johnson won’t be limited to 2.1 points every week, but Eli won’t throw for 500+ either. I don’t know if you need a trade, or maybe just a sober week, but if you want to repeat then something needs to change.

11.   Bennett – CPP: 82.6, Last Week: 9^th

It’s fitting that after ending the longest losing streak in the history of fantasy football, you still move down in these rankings. The worst thing about Freddie’s injury for you isn’t that you can’t start him (but Tashard Choice? Really?), it’s that Spiller has played out of his mind while Jackson is out. When he returns, the best case scenario for F-Jax is a timeshare, which doesn’t bode well for your team.

12.   Zacherman – CPP: 72.65, Last Week: 10^th

I don’t have many expectations for you in terms of effort, but starting a player that’s hurt? Unforgiveable. What makes it even worse is that you really didn’t show a sense of urgency in picking up Andre Brown. You might be able to get by with S-Jax and Ridley, but why risk it?

13.   Kimmel – CPP: 70.6, Last Week: 12^th

Hey, look who’s out of the basement! You may not win an actual matchup this year, so you gotta take the little victories when they come. The biggest win for your team so far has got to be the way T-Rich looked last week. His team sucks, and the Bengals D is among the league’s worst, but Richardson looked like Adrian Peterson on some of those runs, so his value in 2013 should be pretty high. Unfortunately you own him this year, so you’re shit out of luck.

14.   Donnie – CPP: 59.4, Last Week: 11^th

You’re at the bottom almost entirely due to your lineup management, which will even out as the season goes on. There is a lot of talent on this roster, so if you can either figure out who to start, or trade depth for upgrades, the playoffs are a very real possibility.

I’ll see a couple of you this weekend where the Giants (and Jets) play the games. The rest of you just have to wish you were there.

Week 1 CPP Rankings

Things are going to work a little differently this year on the blog. Because I’m currently writing for Razzball, FanDuel Insider, as well as your sorry asses, I am unfortunately going to have to limit the size of the posts I do here. I will still put the time and effort into the CPP to ensure that the rankings themselves are fool-proof, but the actual write-ups will likely be shorter. It will vary from week-to-week and even from team-to-team depending on what else I have going on, but fear not, every team will get touched on every week. Yes, even you New Gutman. On the bright side for all of you, Bitching About Kicking will no longer be included this year, as I think we can all agree that kickers are worthless and unpredictable. Having said that, Nate Kaeding’s 18 points are the reason I am in first place overall after one week. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

The CPP will remain the revamped, more objective scoring system that it switched to in the middle of last season. The biggest change is how injuries are handled. Previously I gave each team a point for each injured starter, and accumulated those over the course of the season. This year, I’ll be taking the average amount of points those players scored over the last 4 weeks, and subtracting the points scored by his replacement. This results in injuries meaning nothing in Week 1, taking out possible CPP-boosters in Ryan Mathews, Mendenhall, etc., and also means that when a guy has been out for more than a month, you no longer receive “credit” for his injury. At that time you will have had enough time to replace him in your lineup via trade or free agency.

The other factors all remain the same: Adjusted PPG (removing the highest and lowest weekly score after Week 5), Cumulative Difference Between Actual and Optimal Lineup, Roster Moves, Weekly Consistency, and Actual Wins (times finishing in the top 7 in the league in points each week). For the first week or two, things like Points Scored and Points Left On Bench will skew things a bit, but after that it will even out to give some accurate Power Rankings of the Teams and Owners in this league.

Without further ado, the first CPP Rankings of 2012:

Week 1 Rankings

1.       AGD – CPP: 131

The story of your team all year will be Peyton. If he plays well, you should get 20 points from your QB, and Demaryius should produce as well. If he’s banged up, you essentially lose two starters. So far so good.

2.       Kumpf – CPP: 120

I’m gonna jump on the Trade Campaign bandwagon that Barnard and Weissbard started yesterday. My goal this year was to assemble depth, and after one week it looks like I succeeded, so if you want to deal let me know. Now if only Brady would start breaking 20 points I’ll be in great shape.

3.       Joseph – CPP: 112

You might be up here this week, but with the 30 combined points from your kicker and defense, you’ll need more help from you actual lineup if you want to stay here. Your combo of Rice and Lynch should be formidable every week, and you might have something there in Randy Moss.

4.       Weissbard – CPP: 109

The standings might not recognize your team as winning, but the CPP does. You also got a ton of points from your kicker and D, but I like your lineup overall. It might be bittersweet rooting for Romo each week, but if Ogletree is even somewhat legit, then he’s got the weapons  to be ELIte. At some point your stable of mediocre RBs should pay off in a trade as well.

5.       New Gutman – CPP: 107

Your terrible team name didn’t pay off, as no one beat Off in the Shower (though I have yet to confirm this with Alan). You could use some of Weissbard’s aforementioned mediocrity at RB, as you have nothing after MJD. I like your starting receivers, but with Jennings banged up this week, you’ll be hurting there as well. I guess lack of depth is one of the problems with not showing up to the draft.

6.       Ajay – CPP: 104

Going into the season, I liked your team more than anyone else’s and I’m not even that high on Matty Ice. Week 1 showed that you are absolutely a legit contender, as you won with ease even while AP was on your bench. If Cruz can start catching the ball and Reggie doesn’t succumb to the horror movie that is the 2012 Miami Dolphins, I think you’ll steadily move up this list.

7.       Esco – CPP: 97.6

Kaeding’s MNF explosion made the benching of RG3 more palatable for you I’m sure. Your perceived depth at WR was actually your weakness, as none of them hit double figures. I see a trade in your future, as Kevin Smith will inevitably get hurt, and your backups are worth next to nothing.

8.       Billy – CPP: 91.5

Your bench is an absolute mess, which I attribute to you being wasted for the last two weeks, but I do like your starters. Nothing spectacular, but you’ll be solid every week. I had a team like that last year before losing my QB, and it keeps you in every matchup but ultimately won’t lead you too far once you suffer an injury.

9.       Bennett – CPP: 82.4

You rectified your QB mess pretty quickly, and while New Gutman trade raped the shit out of you, getting AJ Green isn’t a bad haul. Losing Fred Jackson for two months, however, is a different story. What hurts even more is that somehow the third RB on your team is someone named Dion Lewis. You really fucked up your roster during the draft, but it’s not too late to fix it. Until then, you'll continue to extend your record-breaking 13-game losing streak.

10.   Zacherman – CPP: 74.2

I’m sure you’ll flip a shit about this ranking, and after that incoherent email last night I’m not so sure you haven’t lost your mind already, but more than half your lineup was in single digits and it took a vintage performance from the Jets D to win you your matchup. The best news of your Week 1 is that both Ridley and Flacco looked legit and give you more depth than I originally thought you had.

11.   Donnie – CPP: 73.7

Plain and simple, DeAngelo Williams fucked you. He fucked you man. With no J-Stew, he should have feasted on Tampa’s D, and he barely broke even. The toughest choice you’ll have each week is between Meachem and Malcom Floyd, and I don’t envy you on that one. As always, your TEs are strong though so you’ll be competitive if you start the right lineup.

12.   Alan – CPP: 67.2

It’s unfortunate that Alfred Morris tore shit up for me, because Garcon’s performance could have swung our trade in your direction. I’m not sure why Tate didn’t do better, but I think he’s unfortunately your best choice at RB2. Your season will hinge on the performances of Stafford and Welker, who you drastically overpaid for, and who both sucked ass last week.

13.   Barnard – CPP: 55.9

I truly love when you’re in last place, but I think Kimmel may go wire-to-wire on that one this year. The worst part about your performance last week, is that you likely wasted Gore’s best game and a winnable matchup when the rest of your team didn’t show up. You’ll have a tough call at QB and WR2 each week, as well as who to flex, so the CPP won’t be kind to you when you pick wrong.

14.   Kimmel – CPP: 53.8

You spent 60% of your budget on 3 RBs who combined for 75 rushing yards in Week 1. That about sums it up. Your team is actually very intriguing because, if you want to win a game, you’ll have to make a trade. Selling Rodgers or CJ for multiple pieces is really the only way you can compete. Unless you think Stephen Hill and James Jones are legitimate starting WRs, and in that case, you deserve the team you have.

Trade Analysis I

Gentlemen,

With the first game of the season starting tonight, it is only fitting that we also have our first trade to analyze.  Let's get started.

Bennett Gets:
A.J. Green WR CIN ESPN Position Rank 16
Jared Cook TE TEN ESPN Position Rank 15

Gutman Gets:
Percy Harvin WR MIN ESPN Position Rank 8
Michael Vick QB ESPN Position Rank 11

ESPN Winner: With no fantasy points so far we will have to rely on positional rank and Gutman wins in a landslide.

Best Player Involved: It is very likely Vick scores the most points out of any the players involved here but that doesn't necessarily make him the best player.  I would say the over/under on games played for him this year is 13, and I may be a bit generous there. He certainly is an upgrade for Gutman but you have to be crazy if he doesn't scare you as a QB1.  So moving on to the wide receiver dilemma.  I'm really torn on this.  I was attempting to rebid on A.J. Green during the draft but accidentally hit the Pass button which allowed Auto-Draft Gutman to get him so I really believe in his value as a breakout star this year.  However, Percy Harvin might excite me even more. In the last 9 games of the regular season last year he scored 8 TDs, averaged about 80 yds receiving and another 20 rushing.  Do you know what else happened in the last 9 games of last year for the Minnesota Vikings? Christian Ponder started at quarterback.  I think you see where I am going with this.  This could be a monster year for Harvin and especially with AP getting off to a slow start the Vikings might actually be airing it out this year.

Potential Starters Received:
Green and Harvin are both very legitimate starting WRs in our league and both should be in the lineup every week. Gutman also gets a QB that he can actually trust to break double digits every week except the 3-6 games Vick will be injured this year. I assume Bennett will be starting Cook over Miller or trying to platoon based on matchups but until we see more of Locker during real regular season games the jury is still out on how much he can actually throw the ball in the NFL.  However, I am willing to give Bennett the benefit of the doubt here and say both teams get 2 starting players from this transaction.

Conclusion:
As soon as Bennett threw down 30 dollars for Vick and everyone in Dave & Busters collectively burst into laughter we all knew this would happen eventually.  You just can't have 100 dollars worth of quarterback on your team in our league.  However, not even waiting until the regular season to troll for trades puts the rest of the league in a position of significant strength.  If I were in the same position I would have waited several weeks, hoped both Brees and Vick were playing well and then flipped Brees to Gutman for a much bigger haul such as Gronk, Helu and Dalton.  This completely eliminates your TE need, allows you to alternate Britt and Helu in the Flex spot and gives you a modest backup QB for when Vick gets banged up.  But hey, we have to deal with reality, and the trade that happened, is the trade that happened.

I know Bennett is banking on Green having a breakout year, but there are just as many people expecting the same thing from Harvin this season.  So essentially trading Vick for Jared Cook doesn't exactly excite me.  However, if Vick goes down week 2 and Harvin's  migraine issues reemerge then this trade actually works out for you.  So for that, I'll generously give Bennett a C-

As for Gutman, this is a home run.  You significantly upgrade at QB with a potential upgrade at WR as well. And somehow you were able to do it without giving up Gronk or any of your minuscule RB depth. Your team still doesn't do much to inspire fear but I like it overall now.  This trade is a solid A.

2012 Draft Grades

I don’t think my system has fully recovered from Nashville yet, which either means that the trip was amazing or I’m getting too old for this shit. Regardless, I had a great time and I’m already looking forward to the voting for next year’s draft location. Also I love being able to look at my roster, even if I might not remember assembling some of it. Which brings us to Draft Grades.

This is one of my favorite posts of the year, mainly because I can’t be wrong (yet). Last year I handed out quotes from The Hangover as a way to recap the Vegas trip, which I thoroughly enjoyed, so I was looking to do something similar this year. After doing some extremely brief research, it appears that the most famous movie filmed in Nashville is The Green Mile and that’s not exactly the mood I’m trying to set. So I decided to use country music lyrics.

Some of you are staunchly anti-country, which I understand, but I’ve gotten into it big time since moving to Texas. Talking to Weissbard, he said he was embarrassed how much he liked the music when we were in Nashville, so hopefully this list can slowly get some of you on the country train. And if not, then you’re welcome to enjoy this scene. (Note, this was written before the sad news about Michael Clarke Duncan last night. RIP MCD)

Marshall, Bruno, Lowe, Dave-O, Bader, Anson, Woods

Roll into town, step off the bus
Shake off the where you came from dust
Grab you guitar, walk down the street
Sign says Nashville, Tennessee
But I have found
It's a crazy town, full of neon dreams
Everybody plays, everybody sings

- Jason Aldean, “Crazy Town”

I debated giving each of you your own lyric, but in true Fiji fashion I got lazy and decided this was good enough. That doesn’t mean your appearance on the trip was not appreciated. Hell, most of you are more a part of this league than New Gutman is at this point. I hope we’ll continue to have a heavy non-league presence at each draft, I just wish you wouldn’t almost outnumber the league members there.

Billy –

Pour me somethin' tall and strong,
Make it a "Hurricane" before I go insane.
It's only half-past twelve but I don't care.
It's five o'clock somewhere.

- Alan Jackson ft. Jimmy Buffett, “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere”

I have to start with the champ. I have never seen anyone involved in literally every bidding war in the entire auction. Even when you were priced out of players you would try to bid through the chat window. This predictably led to the bottom of your roster containing Plaxico Burress and someone named Andre Caldwell. I don’t want to ridicule you too much because you do have the 2011 Chef Coat, but maybe try drafting with a BAC less than your Auction Budget next year.

Draft Grade: B-

Best Value: Nate Washington at $2. He was the 14^th best receiver last year, and even with Britt and Wright taking away some targets, Washington is still startable in our league.

Worst Value: Andre Johnson at $39. When you say you got Dre and Washington for $41 combined, I like it, but the odds of getting a full season from your WR1 are not good.

Zacherman

Turn the quiet up, turn the noise down
Let this ol' world just spin around
I wanna feel it sway, wanna feel it sway
And put some feel good in my soul
Drink a little drink, smoke a little smoke

- Eric Church, “Smoke A Little Smoke”

Is it bad that I’m not sure if you were high for all or none of the trip? I tend to assume you were, but we didn’t have a random drug dealer walk into our draft so I can’t be sure. You had yourself a typical Z-Ball draft, where you’re loyal to your guys from the year before and then pick some guys that you claim will break out. If any of them hit, then you’re in good shape.

Draft Grade: B

Best Value: Kendall Hunter for $1. He had some value even when Gore played last year, so even with a crowded backfield, you may have found yourself a bargain basement Flex play.

Worst Value: Antonio Gates for $23. I think Gates will fall apart this year without V-Jax taking the pressure of him. With guys like Vernon and Aaron Hernandez going for less than half of what you paid, I think you could have used that money on a second receiver.

AGD

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then

- Zac Brown Band, “Colder Weather”

I’m sure it’s tough on you guys being separated, and it’s going to be even tougher if any of your starters get hurt. A core of Peyton/Forte/Charles/Calvin/Demaryius is great, but you literally have nothing else.

Draft Grade: B

Best Value: Jonathan Dwyer at $2. You guys made this tough for me because I think you paid pretty appropriately for everyone. Dwyer might start a game or two while Mendenhall is down, so you may have lucked out there.

Worst Value: Mike Goodson at $2. You overpaid by two dollars.

Barnard –

Last night I got served a little bit too much of that poison, baby

Last night I did things I'm not proud of and I got a little crazy

Last night I met a guy on the dance floor and I let him call me baby
And I don't even know his last name

My momma would be so ashamed

It started off, "Hey cutie, where are you from?"

And then it turned into, "Oh no, what have I done?"

And I don't even know his last name

- Carrie Underwood, “Last Name”

This song so perfectly described your Nashville experience that when I thought of it on the flight home I laughed out loud before immediately going back to actively trying to not shit myself. Literally nothing about your team excites me. You didn’t have to spend $1 on your entire bench like a lot of us, but that extra money went to guys like Isaac Redman and Daniel Thomas, as well as an $11 backup quarterback. Not a fan.

Draft Grade: C+

Best Value: Donald Brown at $6. If Indy has anything resembling a competent offense, then you got a solid RB2 for $6.

Worst Value: Matt Schaub at $11. I’m still unsure what you were thinking here, for the price you paid for Schaub and Big Ben, you could have just gotten a guy like Romo, Rivers or Matt Ryan. It’s easy to see this was a bad choice after the fact, but you’re used to regretting your decisions at this point.

Joseph

Even though you're a million miles away
When you hear Born in the USA
You relive those glory days
So long ago

- Eric Church, “Springsteen”

It’s tough to assign a country lyric to you, so I’m just using this as a segue into the fact that I’ll be at the Friday and Saturday Bruce shows in a couple of weeks. We’ll have another enormous tailgate so if you want to gorge yourself on burgers and pulled pork let me know. Also I love your team other than the fact that you have no clear Flex starter.

Draft Grade: A-

Best Value: Vincent Jackson at $16. I was so pissed that I lost his auction due to lack of money. The guy has been a top 10 receiver for the last four years and now he’s worth half of what AJ Green is? Josh Freeman isn’t that bad.

Kumpf

Man, if I have one, I'll have thirteen
And they can't get me off the karaoke machine,
The more I drink...the more I drink.
Yeah, the more I drink, the more I drink, the more I drink.

- Blake Shelton, “The More I Drink”

Every year I say I won’t draft drunk, and every year I end up blacking out by the end.  Also every year I end up missing the playoffs so these things may be correlated. I think my draft was interesting in that I drastically overpaid for Brady, Graham and Tate, but also drastically underpaid for Mathews, Hernandez and Decker. So at the end of the day, it’s basically a wash.

Draft Grade: B+

Best Value: Aaron Hernandez at $8. I have ripped Donnie apart for his 2TE strategy the last two years, but then Belichick adopted it and now it’s the thing to do. I think Graham and Hernandez finish 1-2 at TE this year, so they are basically my starting receivers.

Worst Value: Brady at $68. Not only do I have to root for my least favorite player, I had to pay out the ass for him too. But I think he’s about to go 2007 on the rest of the league, and after the Favre/Schaub debacles the last two years, I want guaranteed production at QB.

New Gutman –

These days there's dudes gettin' facials

Manicured, waxed and botoxed

With deep spray-on tans and creamy lotiony hands

You can't grip a tackle box

- Brad Paisley, “I’m Still A Guy”

I was going to write a blurb about New Gutman’s draft, but I’m getting bottle service at this awesome new club in Austin so I can’t be bothered with silly things like fantasy football and friendship.

Draft Grade: F

Alan –

You lie like the man with the slick back hair who sold me that Ford
Well, You lie like the pine tree in the back yard after last month's storm
Well, You lie like a penny in the parking lot at the grocery store
It just comes way too natural to you
The way you lie

- The Band Perry, “You Lie”

To be honest, Alan wasn’t too much of a liar on this trip. Maybe His Alexis is making him a more honest person, but I still know the real Alan. And the real Alan is an endearingly compulsive liar. One of the highlights of my trip was when Barnard pointed out that somehow Alan had spent his entire budget on six players, yet his team wasn’t even that good. It’s going to be an interesting year for the recipient of the 2009 Chef Coat.

Draft Grade: D

Best Value: I guess CJ Spiller at $8? There really isn’t much to work with here.

Worst Value: Wes Welker at $37. I have no idea how this happened. Maybe you were using PPR rankings or something. Also, you paid more for Stafford than Bennett paid for Brees. Fuck it, let’s discuss him next.

Bennett
If it clouds up in the city, the weather man complains
But where I come from, rain is a good thing
Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey
Whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky

- Luke Bryan, “Rain Is A Good Thing”

Country lyrics were hard to come by for you as well. There’s really no songs about ridiculously terrible team names or immediately upping the price from $20 to $30 for your backup QB who you will inevitably want to start over Brees. So I had to settle for a song that mentions your worthless profession.

Draft Grade: D+

Best Value: Kenny Britt at $7. With just a one-game suspension, Britt represents amazing value. But at the time I’m sure you had no clue he was even about to be suspended so I give you no credit for this pick.

Worst Value: Michael Vick at $30. I would like a 500-word essay describing what was going through your mind when you made this bid. I’ve tried to rationalize it for the last week, and I just can’t figure out what the fuck you were thinking. This is literally the worst pick in the history of fantasy football.

Donnie

Back when a hoe was a hoe
Coke was a coke
And crack's what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I'm down with that
Well it meant you had the flu
I miss back when

- Tim McGraw, “Back When”

The Donimal does seem to wish that he lives in a simpler time, but I mainly gave him this quote because it’s sung by Donnie Billingsley’s father, good old Tim “I don’t listen to his music, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that” McGraw. Patrick’s first actual FALAFEL draft was eventful, with him nabbing the consensus #1 overall player, as well as accidentally bidding for Larry Fitzgerald. If he had a legit QB, I’d be higher on his prospects.

Draft Grade: C

Best Value: Vernon Davis at $11. Donnie is employed his usual 2TE strategy, so nabbing Vernon for this cheap was huge.

Worst Value: Robert Meachem for $10. Fitz was a dollar cheaper than Roddy White, so I don’t think you overpaid there. Meachem has never been consistently worth starting, and while that might change in San Diego, $10 is a little pricy to find out.

Ajay

That's something that just don't happen twice

- Kenny Chesney, “Don’t Happen Twice”

This is self-explanatory. As for your team, I’m a big fan. Other than your two fragile RBs and no real bench depth, I think this is as good a draft as anyone had. I just wish you were actually in Nashville so you would’ve been a little drunker.

Draft Grade: A-

Best Value: Quizz Rodgers at $3. You were another team that paid pretty accurately for your starters, making this part tough on me. Some people are high on Quizz this year. I’m not one of them but it’s still good value.

Worst Value: Reggie Bush for $24. I just can’t see him staying healthy for 16 games when defenses have to decide, “Do we put 3 guys on Reggie or worry about Legadu Naanee?”

Kimmel

I ain't here for a long time…I'm here for a good time
So bring on the sunshine to hell with the red wine
Pour me some moonshine

- George Strait, “Here For A Good Time”

In true Kimmel fashion, we saw him at the draft and that’s about it. And it may not sound as funny as it was, but seeing Kimmel and his bald spot peddling along Broadway in a mobile bar was just about the best thing any of us have ever seen. Shifting gears entirely, your roster is absurd. You spent 94% of your budget on 4 players, one of which is on the Browns and currently injured. I can’t even tell who you’re planning on starting at WR from week-to-week. Your playoff-less streak should continue this year.

Draft Grade: D

Best Value: N/A. There is literally no one you have that I would consider a value.

Worst Value: Trent Richardson at $34. Remember that time Mark Ingram was the top rookie RB, went to a high-powered offense and then was useless in fantasy? Well this is the same thing, just with a shitty offense.

Esco

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy

- Billy Currington, “People Are Crazy”

Religious views aside, beer is good and when Esco, Alan and I are together, people are most definitely crazy. We may not have had our Riviera experience, but we still encountered some weird local flavor while waiting for everyone else to arrive. Whether it was the cab driver ripping his sun visor off the car, a girl farting in the elevator, or the waitress at the BBQ place just straight bouncing on us mid-sentence, it’s always an experience I won’t forget. Esco has is predictable deep team, but he can only start 3 of his 4 WRs, and he’s relying a bit too much on RGIII and Cutler for my taste. Should be an interesting team to watch.

Draft Grade: B

Best Value: Dwayne Bowe at $17. The only issue is that you already had Wallace, Jordy and Colston. I see a trade in your future.

Worst Value: Mike Wallace at $37. I know he’s your boy, but he will likely start slow after missing the entire preseason, and with the depth you added at WR anyway, some of that money could have been spent at QB or TE.

Weissbard

It ain't hip to sing about tractors, trucks

Little towns and mama

Yeah that might be true

But this is country music and we do

- Brad Paisley, “This Is Country Music”

This might be a cop out lyric, but I’ve been going on for close to 3,000 words so we need to wrap this up. Upon further review, I want to change my vote for best team name from Alan to you because I just love seeing the word “Shahiarrhea.” I think we can incorporate this into common terminology like we did with Schukkening someone. Along with your team name, I think you had an excellent draft. You held your money for awhile, but ended up with a very solid squad and didn’t overpay for really anyone. Well done.

Draft Grade: A

Best Value: Either Beanie Wells for $11 or Ryan Williams for $5. One of them is going to be the clear starter in AZ by Week 4, and you own both of them for $16 total.

Worst Value: Martellus Bennett for $3. Not only do you have to start “M. Bennett” every week, but you assembled a little too much depth at RB instead of putting a few extra bucks into TE and grabbing someone like Vernon.

GPA Recap:

Weissbard: A

Ajay: A-

Joseph: A-

Kumpf: B+

AGD: B

Esco: B

Zacherman: B

Billy: B-

Barnard: C+

Donnie: C

Bennett: D+

Alan: D

Kimmel: D

New Gutman: F

The first CPP rankings of the season come out next Thursday.