I never really watched those Best Year Ever shows on VH1, I spent most of my TV time in college watching
four straight hours of live SportsCenter and trying to notice the difference in Josh
Elliott’s jokes or Hannah Storm’s wardrobe (miss you Josh!). If I had to pick a
best year ever, it would probably 1999. I was in 6th grade, ruled
the Allen W. Roberts Elementary School playground, danced with a girl for the
first time at a full arm’s-length distance, and dominated the Little League
diamond for the last time. It was also the first time I played fantasy
football, and my life has never been the same since.
The first pick in my first-ever draft was Brett Favre,
because my buddy was a huge Packer fan (he also took Ryan Longwell in the
fourth round). My first round pick was Marshall Faulk, and I won the
championship. Unfortunately, things have gone mostly downhill from there in my
fantasy career. I’ve made it well-publicized that I am the only non-Kimmel
league member who has yet to make the playoffs, and that is what I consider
success in our league. Once the playoffs start, anything can happen. Hell, Alan
or a Yahoo-drafted team could win it all. But if you make the playoffs, you
should be happy with your season.
That’s why this year will be the Best Year Ever: I am
guaranteeing that I make the playoffs. That’s the reason for me anyway. For the
rest of the contenders for the Stevens Bowl, and also Bennett, here are some
more reasons:
Esco Is Commissioner
Joseph’s reign as commish was highlighted mainly by
excellent division names, and there is absolutely something to be said for
that. Ajay’s one-year term was marked by laziness and his team making a surprise
run to the Stevens Bowl thanks to some fortuitous waiver wire positioning
(conspiracy theory?).
With Esco in charge, I feel like we will get more effort
than we got from Ajay and more ethics than we got from Nick. The creation of
our league would be a nice first step considering we’re a month away from the
draft, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not like he can lose
the alcohol exemption for the league.
Switching From ESPN
to Yahoo
After three years in its current format (and at least six
years of Fiji fantasy leagues that I’ve been a part of), FALAFEL will move from
ESPN to Yahoo. There are clearly some upsides which I will discuss a little
later, but let’s not forget what we’ll miss without Yahoo: the generic team
helmet logos, the 20 character team name limits, the player updates that are
3-5 days old, and the only reason to visit a website with an exclamation point
in its name (until Josh Schultz starts his own website that just has this
image).
Alan Has A Girlfriend
In case I need to expand any further, he’s having sex. With
a girl. On the reg. So much that his dick hurts. But also feels good. Because
of all the sex.
Unlimited Length of
Team Names
My team name idea two years ago was
BarnardShavedHisFaceWithAlansBallRazor, which falls into the “funny because
it’s true category,” along with “I never thought my sister would find someone
who cared about what other people thought as much as she did - until I met
Craig.” It never came to fruition, and my team suffered a disappointing 8th
place finish.
This year, there is no character limit on team names, and
therefore no limit to the depravity that can come from our former-former
commissioner. I have very high expectations from this league, so hopefully we
can avoid “ajay” winning best team name in 2012.
Bennett Looks To
Extend His Record 12-Game Losing Streak
This has not gotten nearly enough attention: After winning
Week 1 against AGD, Bennett lost an insane 12 weeks in a row. He didn’t just
lose, he was destroyed, dropping his games by an average of 25 points per week.
I honestly hope we don’t see anything like this ever again, as I respect this
league, but I am interested to see how far Bennett can take this. If I were him
I would skip the draft entirely and trust that ESPN picks a better team.
Free Agent Auction
This is the single most exciting aspect of our league this
year. My baseball keeper league switched to this three years ago, and it has
made the regular season infinitely more exciting. Not only do we remove the
inane process of rewarding the worst team in the league with the best shot at
landing free agents, but we get bidding wars for four months after the initial
auction. This will inevitably lead to Lutz outbidding Zacherman by $1 for Joe
McKnight, and more enjoyably, Barnard dropping $50 for Donte Stallworth as no
one else bids. There is nothing I am looking forward to more than this process…
State of the NFL
…Except maybe this. The top three RBs this year are Arian,
Rice and LeSean in some order. The top five QBs are Rodgers, Brees, Brady, Cam
and Stafford. The top WR is Calvin and the top TEs are Gronk and Graham. But of
these 11 players, who is worth the highest bid? An argument can be made for
most of them. And after that, who’s next at each position? There is a huge
drop-off after each of these players.
The pass-happy state of the NFL puts QBs, WRs and TEs at a
premium, but the lack of workhorse backs makes the top RBs more valuable than
ever. That conundrum will be looming over every bid on draft day, and will
create a bigger gap than ever in our league. Last year 35% of teams were within
a game of .500. Two years ago it was 50%. This year I think we’ll see half the
teams close to 10 wins and half close to 10 losses, depending on the approach
taken during the draft. And as I mentioned earlier, I will be one of those
10-win teams.
I’ll see most of you in Nashville in a month. For the rest
of you, get your priorities straight.
